Long and Painful

I am having huge issues and problems with my partner....and I'm not even sure if he is my partner any more.

We have been going out.....on and off for 7 yrs....he's put me through hell and back..ie not supporting my pregnecey. which has caused my total melt down.

He has had a knack of getting into my head and making things look as if its all OK........Its not.

Now further down the track he has started a new business with bikes and has a new group of friends. His ego is out of control and I think he just whats me out of the picture. I feel so hurt and betrayed after all the sacifices I have made. I am so angry.

What do I do.............except it and look to the future.

Thoughts and comments please

Hello, Springstar, and Welcome to PC!
You have come to the right place for lots of good feedback and support. This is a caring community here.
I am sorry you are feeling bad. It sounds like you are having a hard time with this "partner." Does he support you financially? Does he participate with you and your child like a father and husband? It sounds like not, but these are questions we should know before further comments.
Do you life together?
If you feel he is wanting you out of his life, what are your options?
Patty

Thanks Patty

12mths ago we were living together and he was a great male role to my children and contributing to the house hold.

They we invested in the business which is 3hrs away and things have gone really pear-shape.

He is not as interested in our lives and I feel that he is always in a hurry to get off the phone.

I was travelling down every weekend for the first three months.

Then an instance happy which didn't make me very happy and I found out about it on a forum...he still has contact with this female.

I'm so confussed.........I think I Love him but I am just feeling so much pain.

My options........ I'm still young enough and I own my home and I work full time......... maybe there is someone else out there for me. But it hurts even when I think of that.

Deep down I think he has already moved on. I'm in shock and I really don't understand it

Oh, dear, so he has moved three hours away?
And you feel he has already moved on, so to speak....

Well, I know, truly understand, that you are hurting.
It does sound, though, from what you have shared, that this man is not being good to you or for you...and your children.

I am glad to hear that you are employed, and have your own residence. Did you invest money with this man in his new business? Not sure what this means legally in regard to your situation, but I hope you didn't give him lots of money.

The only advice I can give right now..is to take care of yourself and your children first. It sounds like you have already been hurt by this man previously, during your pregnancy, so you know the score regarding emotional pain and recovery. It takes precious time, but in the end you will ultimately become stronger and wiser for it.

Others here will have even wiser and more insightful feedback for you...I'm certain of this.
Hang in there and be well.
Love
Patty

Thankyou so much.

It's nice to know that I can still trust my instincts and gut feelings.

And Yes my children and I come first.

I guess I will have to learn to deal with the shock and lonelness that comes first.

Troubled waters and lost of sleep here I come.
Lucky I have a good rudder to stear me though the huge waves....

Looking for safe land.

Just got the phone call that he is off to "Beers and Pool" with his new mates...both male and female. He asked if that was Ok and told him how I feel..."i feel that his pasona changes when he is with that crowd and that I think that i didn't feel comfortable with him going'.

He got very very angry, I told him that he is changing ie looking up girlie pic and speaking about women in a manner that I don't feel comfortable with. He got very very very angry and told me that I don't trust him and that I make his life difficult. I spoke calrmly and continued to get angry and say hurtful things. I then said if you want my wishes to go then go. He said I will and hung up.

I am now taking lots and lots of big breaths.......while my head is spinning. Should I be concerned that he is spending time with people that see women only as sex objects or should I show a bit of faith in him.

My may concern was this is how his second marriage ended. He would spend hours at the casino talking, flirting and bedding other women while his wife was at home with the children. How do I know if he has learnt his lesson...?

Does a leopard never change their spots...?
Does it mean anything that I have told him how I feel yet he is still desparate to go out for beers and pool.

Some responses PLEASE

Hello and Welcome to PC.

I think has some good insights and so do you. Go with your gut. If you have invested money in this business, I hope you have contractual protections to get it back.

So glad you have your own home and can provide for your children without him.

Yes he was all happy that he had been to "beers and pool" and did phone me 3 times during the evening.

When he got there, when he left and when he got home. I think that is a good sign...

However I have been informed by our trusted employee that this female has purchased two tickets for a show to give him. The show is two days away and he hasn't told me of this event.

Question 1. Has he received the tickets?
Question 2. If so who will he be taking.?
Question 3. If he hasn't told me is he planning to take her or someone else.?

I have certainly made it clear that I am available this weekend. He is indicating that it isn't nesscary for me to come down this weekend......Does he have other plans..? and how should I react to this.

Yes I have invested time and money into the business. Which is another reason why I keep travelling 3hrs to do the book work and see how much money we are making.

Once again I am taking deep breaths just trying to get me head around things.

Our plan was to build up the business and sell it to gain a bit more financial freedom. I didn't antispate the new relationships that he would make.

Having said that he still talks about selling the business as soon as he can to come back home.

I don't know if I am getting mixed messages or that my imagination is playing tricks on me.

Should I just show a bit of faith...? He is 10yrs older than me and has always said that I'm his little minkxs.

Responses PLEASE

Whew, this is a tough one for sure.

The relationship needs a LOT of work but it's a long-distance relationship where work needed can't be done. Then with a relationship in crisis, miles add to upset and distrust, leaving alot of availability to act out in the crisis...causing more distrust.

If the relationship has a chance, even if the business has broken even at this point, or wouldn't have a huge loss of start-up funds, I'd attempt to work on the sale now.

Some things are worth the money...some not. I guess that's maybe what you guys need to look at at this point.

Is there a way you can visit without children to do some hard talking? Know what you're going to say before you say it, and I wouldn't do it over the phone.

I would talk about the relationship prior, and make clear distinctions to where it's gone and ask if he, like you, wants it back. If so, try to give solutions to rectify that...like selling out now or take time with him on the visit to think of other solutions?

I would not "settle" with things they way they are now. It sounds like you're doing alot of settling and only you can decide whether or not you're willing to do that.

I wish you luck and please keep us informed.

KD

Hi, Springstar, Hun!
I'm going to say some things you may not like hearing...
This man sounds like a child in a man's body. Even if you should manage to sell this business, will you be happy when he starts going out for "pool and beers" while living with you. You've related that he had already done this in his previous marriage, leaving wife and children at home alone.
The other thing which occurs to me as I read your last postings: You are a little encouraged by his calling you throughout the evening while out for pool and beers, even when he got home. I guess that was a bit of a comfort to you, and I can certainly empathize with your confusion. But...when we are entangled with someone, our thoughts are truly conflicted. If you love this man, you want to believe!!! I am going to say here, though, that he is not behaving lovingly toward you. Now...you are wondering if he has plans for a concert, and then he tells you that you needn't come to him this weekend. This kind of thing produces anxiety, lack of trust, and emotional pain for you.

Is this guy worth it?!!!
Love,
Patty

I'm concerned about how he reacted to how you felt about the situation of going out. If he didn't want the answer he shouldn't have asked. His anger is not generally a good sign.

If you disagree with something - be assertive like you were...Don't at the end give in "I then said if you want my wishes to go then go". Stand your ground.

Thanks so much everyone............

I feel so pathetic sometime.....I really want to see the best in him.............but my gut won't let me.....

Its funny how the body can tell you whats wrong...the problem is convincing the mind................which equals so much worry, anxiety, stress and depression

Yes, Springstar...
You must learn to trust you "gut!"...something I ignored for years, while experience much anxiety and physical manifestations.
Also, trust your "inner voice!"
Love
Patty

Thanks Patty

Just really nice getting thoughts on my situation....I don't know what to do...I stayed home this weekend and spent time catching up on the "lovely" house work. I went to the opening of an exhibition were I work and tonight I have a trivia night for our community's preschool. I feel good...I'm haven't heard from my partner much and he hasn't mentioned the concert.

I'm a bit numb when I think of it..........so just trying not to worry...........I almost feel like "who cares". I do feel very lonely..........

I do think that this man had hurt me alot in out relationship and maybe I should just be kind to myself..........my mums pretty concerned as she knows that I'm missing my sparkle.

I really don't know what and how to feel at the moment.

I'm a bit angry..........

The relationship is over......I'm kind of relieved........ His reasons were pathetic.

However I'm a bit angry because I feel that I had turned in to him.....

I was a lot younger when i meet him and 18mths out of my divorce. I was kind and nice and sweet and loving and giving and considerate....etc.....He was all growly and angry and hurting and funny and Ohhhhhhhhh so smooth.

And now when I reflect back........we seem to have changed roles... Is this possible.....????

I do know were I have to be.......it just seems so weird and makes me a bit angry...that he sucked all my goodness and now I have to re-grow it all again........

Does any of that make sense...?

I'm sorry it came to an end...

It sounds in a lot of ways you prepared yourself for it.

Based on you comments I really don't think you switched roles - I think you just became painfully aware of his character...

I think I need a hug............Please

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Thanks guys....

I don't like this time of despair and shock...the unknown

These's this feeling of hopelessness.........Will soldier on, I must..!!!

Its been a couple of days now since the brake up.....

I have decided to cut all communictions, so I can adjust to the situation.......(easier said then done) I keep checking my phone to see if he had rung or left messages. Just part of the process I guess.

He did ring the other morning....after being out with his new mate for "pool and beers".... I just asked him "Why are your ringing?' He said If your going to be like that and hung up.

That evening I got a text telling me how much he care for me and the children...? Yeh....whatever....

I deleted text.....continued no contact from me.

This weekend is going to be extremely hard, I have a four day weekend the kids are away and I had plan spending the time with him as it is his birthday.....two months ago I was orgainsing a surprize party for him....but I have had to contact everyone to say the party is off...because other arrangment have been made..........Oh the pride and ego hurts.

Funny thing is most of the people were his new friends and he is probably going to have a party with them anyway.....!!!!

Oh well must keep myself busy this weekend and no contact.

Here's to a good weekend.

Cheers

SpringStar

You are being very smart, strong, and brave! Yes, it will be lonely over the long weekend, but try to focus on how much better off you will be, how much more content without this man who has hurt and mistreated you!
Be strong and take care of yourself !!
Love
Patty

Friday evening and it is his birthday today.....I had made huge plans to celecbrate it with him, and I find myself home alone.

I have been to our club and had a couple of drinks and played the pokies...but got myself away from that environment just in time. I am now at home knowing that he is having a good time with out me........ouch ouch that hurts...is it pride or ego or loneliness or missing him.

My mind is spining...I'm so angry...Why Why Why Why did he choose them and not me....!!!!

He should be here with me...NOW. God I'm angry and normally I am a carm rational person...(not really rational...but I like to pretend.)

How dare he treat me like this.
Should I
Should'nt I

Should I
Should'nt I

Should I
Should'nt I

Should I
Should'nt I

Ring him...I know I will only be angry and he will hang up and I will still feel empty.

How I love his touch his tender loving hands and his total devotion to me and I to him...................it's not fair WHY WHY WHY.......!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I'm going total banana's about this how dare he call it OFF when I have given so much to him.....were is the respect and loving that we use to share.

SO SAD...........I need a hug

I agree with seeker...

"I have decided to cut all communictions, so I can adjust to the situation.......(easier said then done)"

Yes, stay strong...

Hi, Sppring...
I am thinking of you as you face this weekend alone...I really DO know what you are going thru, and it is intensely hard at this time. Even if you call the man, or text him, don't be too hard on yourself. It is part of the process, in my experience. The bottom line to remember, however, is that this man has not been good to you or for you, has done this in his previous marriage, is likely to continue his player lifestyle with or without you. YOU must decide if missing him right now outweighs all the crap you've put up with!
I honestly look at this as an addiction, not love, as I've been there totally, and understand. It can take a very long time to recover from such a thing, but in the end it's worth it!
Love
Patty