I just don't know what I am

I have had much therapy; lots of traumatic childhood abuse! i have remembered a lot of traumatic events.

I don't know if I'm DID because as a child I did have alters, I remember having other parts back then and I remember losing time back then (as a child).

And now when I am just awaking from sleep, sometimes I hear two voices, not me for sure, inside my head, having a conversation,and they become silent as I become fully awake.

But though I am sure that I'd have fit the diagnosis for DID back when I was a child, aside from hearing those voices when I awake, I don't lose time at all during my waking hours. Of course I can't tell you if I switch when I'm sleeping; how could I know this?

So I have gotten lots of memories back but not so many of the accompanying emotions. I have this sneaking suspicion that there are parts/alters within me who I just have no contact with and don't know at all.

But I'm not really sure. Of course I'm sure I have some kind of Dissociation disorder and post traumatic stress disorder, but thinking, based on childhood evidence I know I had DID, so mustn't I still have it?

But then why do I not switch and lose time in my daytime hours at least?

thanks
Tayra

Hi Tayra

I think DID comes in many forms. Like you I have memories of losing time in childhood. I have had 4 years of therapy, and it is only through this that I have discovered my various parts. Often I dont remember any of the therapy session, although I know that other parts have been present. Nights are the worst for me. If I get "stuck" in a memory, many hours can pass, although it only feels like ten minutes. During the day I function relatively normally - I go to work, have friends, etc. It has taken a long time to accept the complexity within myself, and I still have a lot of resistance. Good luck on your healing journey. Do you have a therapist?

Hi kindergirl,
Thanks for replying; I appreciate it.
I'm very frustrated because I have had about 9 years of therapy!! I uncovered a whole lot of memories of the childhood abuse, but my therapist just didn't know that I have DID. She knew I had dissociation, but at the time I had been in denial of the alters I'd created as a child and the lost time. It wasn't the therapists fault, I think, that she didn't know because I guess I was too much in denial of it for it to show? Although the therapist knew about the ritual and cult stuff so I'm now thinking maybe she should have suspected DID?

Ok here's my frustration; I'd thought I'd come so far in therapy; I thought I'd uncovered about 80% of what I'd gone through, but now I realize I do have alters and parts and they've probably only shared, in form of memories, and not so much feelings, only about 40 or 50% if I'm lucky!!

So now I realize I need therapy for DID, BUT I am not so trusting because of the cult stuff and so it's really going to be hard to find someone who i can trust, number one, and number two I'm super strapped for money and don't have health insurance so I may not be able to afford therapy.

On the positive side though, I'm very good at the self-help stuff cause I majored in psychology and even have lots of grad school psychology.

I'd prefer a therapist, but don't think I can afford or trust one. Some of them are not sincere.

Tayra



[quote=kindergirl;1227708]Hi Tayra

I think DID comes in many forms. Like you I have memories of losing time in childhood. I have had 4 years of therapy, and it is only through this that I have discovered my various parts.

[QUOTE=Tayra;1228069]Hi kindergirl,
Thanks for replying; I appreciate it.
I'm very frustrated because I have had about 9 years of therapy!! I uncovered a whole lot of memories of the childhood abuse, but my therapist just didn't know that I have DID. She knew I had dissociation, but at the time I had been in denial of the alters I'd created as a child and the lost time. It wasn't the therapists fault, I think, that she didn't know because I guess I was too much in denial of it for it to show? Although the therapist knew about the ritual and cult stuff so I'm now thinking maybe she should have suspected DID?

Ok here's my frustration; I'd thought I'd come so far in therapy; I thought I'd uncovered about 80% of what I'd gone through, but now I realize I do have alters and parts and they've probably only shared, in form of memories, and not so much feelings, only about 40 or 50% if I'm lucky!!

So now I realize I need therapy for DID, BUT I am not so trusting because of the cult stuff and so it's really going to be hard to find someone who i can trust, number one, and number two I'm super strapped for money and don't have health insurance so I may not be able to afford therapy.

On the positive side though, I'm very good at the self-help stuff cause I majored in psychology and even have lots of grad school psychology.

I'd prefer a therapist, but don't think I can afford or trust one. Some of them are not sincere.

Tayra



maybe the therapist did know, but because you were in denial she didn't bring it up. all the therapists that I have seen knew what I had but did not approach me with a specific diagnosis until I was ready to discuss even the possibility of having DID. They told me not to worry about "what" I had just take care of the problems that I was having flashbacks panic attacks overwhelming sadness, moodiness, losing track of time, having a poor memory associated with abuse and certain times of the year. years later when I received copies of my therapy files it was noted time and again things like "Amandalouise has MPD but at this time it would do no good to bring up the subject due to her denial and and fear of being considered "crazy" I am also unsure of the full extent without proper testing which cannot be done at this time due to her extreme denial and fear would only interfere with the testing results."

don't worry about whether or not you have DID and whether or not they should have caught it in the past. just work on your problem areas you have now and someday when you are ready there are tests that a psychiatrist can do with you to determine what your mental disorders are called.

Tayra each of us are same yet different. Our parts were created to help us survive with the skills necessary to survive the abuse that we endured and to keep the body alive.For us we had no lost of memory when we were not being physical abuse. All our parts shared a common memory. but the parts that were designed to keep the emotional and physical memory's were kept separated until we were strong enough to endure the recall process . So please be kind to yourself and your parts they kept you alive when few could have endured the trauma of the past. Walk genitally into the future my friend, genitally.

Hi Amandalouise,
I think you make lots of sense because whatever the diagnosis is I still do know what I need to do to heal from the trauma. I think I'll just relax and continue as I have been because it's worked so far.

Hi Anderson,
Yes, I think the only parts split were those to handle traumatic events. Otherwise I didn't split and lose time in general; just during abuse. I'll have to be patient and not freak out about how much more there is to learn and heal from.

Thanks to everyone who responded!

Tayra

Tayra,

You are who you are, thats what you are!

This quote of yours stood out for us:

"...alters and parts and they've probably only shared, in form of memories, and not so much feelings, only about 40 or 50%..."

lots of work...sometimes it seems so long, for us it's also 9 years going into 10. Revealing memories is one thing, working through the feelings takes all the time.

We wish we could make it go magically go faster, disappear or at the very least have things taken care for us while we work throught it. Till then we and people like us will be here beside you while you walk through it.



[QUOTE=Tayra;1228069]Hi kindergirl,
Thanks for replying; I appreciate it.
I'm very frustrated because I have had about 9 years of therapy!! I uncovered a whole lot of memories of the childhood abuse, but my therapist just didn't know that I have DID. She knew I had dissociation, but at the time I had been in denial of the alters I'd created as a child and the lost time. It wasn't the therapists fault, I think, that she didn't know because I guess I was too much in denial of it for it to show? Although the therapist knew about the ritual and cult stuff so I'm now thinking maybe she should have suspected DID?

Ok here's my frustration; I'd thought I'd come so far in therapy; I thought I'd uncovered about 80% of what I'd gone through, but now I realize I do have alters and parts and they've probably only shared, in form of memories, and not so much feelings, only about 40 or 50% if I'm lucky!!

So now I realize I need therapy for DID, BUT I am not so trusting because of the cult stuff and so it's really going to be hard to find someone who i can trust, number one, and number two I'm super strapped for money and don't have health insurance so I may not be able to afford therapy.

On the positive side though, I'm very good at the self-help stuff cause I majored in psychology and even have lots of grad school psychology.

I'd prefer a therapist, but don't think I can afford or trust one. Some of them are not sincere.

Tayra

I agree with what others are saying here. There is a great truth to the saying about being true to yourself. In my case, the DX is just a label to help others describe what is my reality.

Maybe you don't switch or lose time because you may not feel so vulnerable.

You are right to relax on this journey. And maybe the emotions are just buried with your alters, in order to keep you safe, like they always have.

You are you....... DX or no DX so try not to get worried about that.

Often therapy can be just talking with a person that you trust and a person who is not going to judge you. Maybe it would be a good idea to get a second opinion or just talk to your current T about what is happening for you.

Hi everybody,
Thanks for all the wonderful support. I notice everyone agrees that I don't have to worry about the diagnosis.

I guess the label doesn't matter so long as I know what I need to progress further in healing.

thanks again,
Tayra