Different people know different alters... and have different expectations.

Hi. I'm Melanie. I have a problem that I'm not sure I understand, and I hope you can help me. For a long, long time, I didn't want to admit I had this problem, and I guess I really still don't. I thought I didn't fit the symptoms of D.I.D. enough for it to really be a problem in my life - I don't black out, and I only have one alter, who I thought I got along with just fine. He does take over, but I thought I was aware enough during to be able to stop him from doing anything that I wouldn't do... but it turns out that's not the case.

He, a straight man, got an internet girlfriend who is quickly become a real-life girlfriend, and both he and she want to make the relationship monogamous - as in, I, a straight woman, may not date ANYBODY. Because it would hurt her feelings. This girl who I've barely spoken to for more than fifteen minutes in their three year relationship. She knows I exist but he hides me from her, and I guess I hide from her too. I don't know how to talk to her.

I don't want to ruin their happiness. I know I must be benefitting from it somehow - we must be the same person, he and I, on some level - but I don't think it's fair that they just completely butted me out of this. The girlfriend thinks I'm evil or something because he keeps inviting her over or doing things with her that I am not okay with, and so the few times I've spoken to her, I've sort of yelled at her in a panic - it's not because I hate her, it's because I'm extremely upset at what's happening.

I really don't want to ruin their happiness, but what am I supposed to do? Am I just supposed to pretend I don't exist? That's what they want me to do, I think! ... I'm scared. I know this girl is his happiness, and when he's not happy, I can't be happy. But I don't know if I can live with being a nonentity in my own life.

I need some advice from people who know what it's like to live with alters... please, what can be done in this situation? When I think about it I just get so confused. I know that he must really just be another part of myself, but I can't think of him that way, and he does things I would never do. (I didn't think he would... but he did. He's broken promises I've made, promises I never wanted to break.) I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, or if I've offended you - I don't have a diagnosis of D.I.D., but this is something I've been living with for years, and I don't think I'm faking or deluding myself some how. Or if I am, it's gotten out of my control. I just don't know what else to do.

Welcome, Selete. I hope you find what you are looking for here on PC.

I am also relatively new to the forum, and have not been diagnosed (although I have been diagnosed with other things), and have learned that what I experience best fits within the realm of DID. I am almost 100% conscious of what my "alters" do, but I do lose some in translation, and with certain alters, I lose it completely. But that has improved with my learning to control "them" over the years.

That being said. I don't actually have any advice for you. Only to say that I hope someone does have some, and that we send our love and greetings.

Thanks very much, Loveregardless - it really helps to know there are others out there like me. I guess that's a big problem with having this, in particular. If I had some other life drama, like a cheating boyfriend or a sick friend, I would be upset, but I would know it's normal. But when this happens, it's almost as if it can't be a valid problem to have because so few people have it.

It really helps to know I'm not alone - thank you.

There is a lot of good stuff here on PC. Great people, VERY helpful chats hosted weekly, check your top left hand corner for info on peer-led chats. And you are absolutely not alone. (((( Selete )))) <--- that's a hug btw

Selete may I suggest that you go and see a therapist/p'doc that works with those for DID. They may be able to help you in real life.

Take Care

when my alters were separate from me I didnt have the problem of a female body with male alters or vice versa. I did on the other hand have alters the same gender as I am and some liked different preferences - different types of guys, gals, sexual activity preferences. I also know folks that have had this problem. the only way they were able to take care of this situation was to locate a psychiatrist, go through diagnostic testing and then enter therapy. working with their psychiatrist and therapist they were able to get through to the alters and get everyone working together as one team. it took years to do it but it is possible. for me after we were all integrated and working as one team The prevalent (strongest) preferences - type of love interest, sexual activity are what I go by just like a non dissociative person is heterosexual vs homosexual. Some of my friends have chosen to be bisexual - their intimate interests include both male and female partners, and one has found her life time partner and they are going to go to one of the states that allow gay marriages so they can marry in June. Another friend of mine who had alters that were the opposite gender of himself at first didnt like who the alter chose but after they were together as a team he discovered he did indeed like that person they have been together for 5 years now. A person in the therapy group I attend recently integrated and they as one team that they did not like the one that one of the alters chose and dumped him.

What Im saying is in the end it will all work out. find a therapist and tell them whats going on and they can help you get everybody working on the same page. then when everyone is working together you and your alter can decide together about your sexual preferences, love interests.

It is common at the early and yes sometimes later stage of intergration for this type of situation to occour. but seeing a T or doing communication logs with each other should help each other out. It appears at a glace that you do talk to each othe but carry out sperate live. the fact that you share the same body is not being honored or taken into acount whether the body is male of female is really not an issue but how you can live together in harmoy with out hurting each other. if this outside person is aware of what is happening maybe even have a joint talk with her. To see if there can be a compremise for what is going on in all of your lifes. safe hugs until that peace is found. IN my youth we were not so worried about these things because we (MY internal partners accepted a space of freedom for each other) What is happing to you was not an issue for me but as we aged we agree that one man was best for the whole body but that is hard to find a person that makes the whole happy. Even to accept us as we are. So if you can find someone that fits the bill be happy for each other.

The best advice I can give you is to speak with a professional about what you are experiencing.
Best of luck and welcome to the DD forum and to PC!

Welcome to PC! I am so glad you found us.

It can be hard to sort through all that you are going through as things can get very complicated. You may consider seeing a professional to help you work through everything. I am glad you shared with us and I look forward to hearing how you are doing.

BB