[Fox]

I met my new T today.

I don't know if he'll be able to continue to see me though cause he's not qualified to work with DID. I saw him for FIVE HOURS straight. It's exactly what I needed though. He asked me several times if I'm still Fox. He met a few of my alts apparently, I don't remember. He said my first switch was like a forced effort like I was spacing out and concentrating hard, I think I remember that. I was trying to not switch but unsuccessfully I guess. I told him about the abuser that is still a threat but hasn't touched me in almost two years. He kept asking if he's still a threat and made sure that I'm safe. He wants to call the cops but I was like "what he did do wasn't all that bad and what he wanted to do never happened and I'm safe now cause I'm not letting myself be alone with him anymore."

He gave me his phone number, I told him I have a phobia of phones but apparently SOMEBODY called him before so if we need him somebody will call again.

His supervisors don't believe in DID so we'll see what happens now. He said it could be just some elaborate game so I was like "do you think that I'm pretending? Cause I feel like I am sometimes." And he said "no, no just trying to figure things out."

So now I'm worried I'll be called a liar but eh, I'll survive right??

[anderson]

(((((FOX))))))) we all fill like that from to time but we are here for you. we hope that you have found an angel out of no where the people here are my angels from no where. Good Luck!

[Miracle1986]

((((Fox))))

[Carryonall]

^i^ Fox ^i^
a wish you find your angels

^i^
cary

[fadedspirit]

Many times we feel like this too Fox. We also hope that you have found an angel.

Whether we are pretending or not, it's still seen as real to us. The only way we can truly find out if what we do or feel is real or not, is by talking to someone, making notes, and sincerely studying ourselves, even if we are confused and things don't make sense. We all may find healing in different ways. It may sound rude, but just because a group of people doesn't believe in something, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

We see and understand that what you have found and learned from this person, you have received a great help for something you needed. We wouldn't worry about labels that others give us, because we know what
is true in our heart. We think you are a very brave person and should be proud for trying to better yourself, nobody can take that away from you.
We wish you lots of hope and care.

[Fox]

Thank you for your kind words everyone <3

Faded there's just a lot riding on getting this to be an official dx. I need more on my records for trying to get on disability.

[Fox]

I'm so dog tired. I just want to curl up and sleep. I came home MUCH earlier than usual tonight. Usually I'm out till past midnight at my friend's house just enjoying the company and low demand. I was nearly passed out on their couch and decided to come home early so I can get a good night's rest. So now I'm laying here and though my eyes are so heavy and my body is tired, my mind is wide awake. I can "hear" and "see" a commotion inside stirred up still from yesterday's session. I almost wish my T would join PC so he can be here encouraging me telling everyone that they're safe and okay and that Max and whoever else he met yesterday did nothing wrong by sharing with him. I'm glad we found someone that they're comfortable with. I have so many mixed emotions coming from within. Not really "my" emotions, but theirs. I feel so crazy. Someone wants to do harm but they don't want to make me start over. It's kind of weird. He said my tracking my self-harm issues is like what they do in AA and that I should be proud for going 1 year and 3 months of being safe. I just feel like since I rewarded myself and everyone with buying a pocket knife, it might just be too strong of a temptation for everyone. But so far we've carried it everywhere since we got it and have stayed safe. I know they can keep on staying safe and won't harm me. I have a lot of faith in them. I just worry that maybe it's too soon yet.

I also am faced again with this intense feeling that I'm not the original host personality. I sometimes have glimpses of a small girl locked away hidden from the rest of the world and wonder if that's not the original one. The one who enjoys doing girly things and dressing up and being pretty and was safe doing so. But I dunno. Maybe that's just part of having an active imagination.

I wish to know so much but then Max gets really hurt when I try to get answers. I think he and others feel they'll lose their purpose if I find answers. Does this make sense to anyone?

[possum220]

fox,,,,,,,
I wouldnt worry too much about your T needing to DX you with actual DID to get disability. He will be able to put lots of psychological things down that will meet the criteria. Even if his supervisors don't believe in it, they gotta believe that something is quite wrong.
Sounds like your T cares a lot considering the amount of time he spent.

As for being concerned about who is the host........ try and relax. The host is the host until the aren't if you know what I mean. Just get some rest hun.

All of your parts still have a purpose.

[Hunny]

Fox,

Here is hoping you got some rest this weekend. Keep safe friend by doing some lovely things for yourself and some really good grounding things. Also, agree so much with Possum.

Luv
Hunny



.

[Fox]

{hugs possum and hunny}

Still so tired but every time I lay down I'm wide awake again

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((((((((Fox))))))))))))))))

We don't know who our original host is either... like so many other things we don't understand. I feel like it, but know that I'm not. And who I think is says she's not too. We have had a single host for about four years between 2004 and 2008, but she's now so far away that we have don't have contact and don't know why she came or why she went away. But as our wonderful friends here on PC say, don't push, don't rush, the answers will come.

I can relate to all you have written, including the sense of lack of purpose if secrets are divulged by others. So glad you've found a T though, and now your 'in the system' hopefully if he can't help you, he'll be able to put you onto someone who can.

Big safe hugs to you , hope you have managed to rest.

kp

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Fox)))))))))))))) That's wonderful that you were able to see this T for so long. I hope it will work out with him and you can get the help you need and deserve. It's so hard to work through things, but worth it in the end (so I'm told, lol). My T and I often have long sessions because I also tend to get lost inside my brain and it takes time for me to get grounded again in order to leave safely (though sometimes I don't remember leaving either so I guess it doesn't always work). We've found that having that extra time is very beneficial for what goes on for me.

I'm sorry you are having trouble sleeping. I have trouble with that sometimes too, especially if the noise in my head gets louder. Sometimes it helps me to do small things that might quiet my head so I can fall asleep. Sometimes a small snack will do the trick and sometimes I have to take a bit longer and try other things.

Take your time as you go through healing. Things seem to come out when it's time to deal and even then, it can pretty pretty hard. Take gentle care and keep us posted. We care.

[Fox]

He said a couple times he didn't want to retraumatize me. I don't understand what that means.

He's going to call me after work today. He said he talked to some people about what they can do for me. I'm kinda scared that they're going to lock me up or something. I feel like I must be crazy.

2bpainfree's hubby talked to mom about my alters yesterday. She was wondering why most of my alters are male and thought it has to do with me wanting to have been a boy since I was little myself. Also after he told her that Yul is my angry one and he's never met him just heard about him, she said that he's ALWAYS at home. Which that always part can't be true of course, but I highly doubt he's out at all at home. If he was I think there'd be physical signs. Like a broken fist from pounding the crap out of stuff. Just going off of how he talked in chat once when he was triggered out. I keep getting lectured for my "attitude" so I'm thinking maybe it's a teen that's out most of the time? Probably female since it's an "attitude". It just bothers me when mom tries to understand. She keeps asking about my imaginary friend Rocky. No mom Rocky's imaginary and not an alter. He's not real just someone who kept me from being lonely when we lived in total isolation from the rest of the world in California. I miss that place but oh wells.

Last night 2bpainfree asked me a question I wasn't sure how to answer. I wasn't sure what the answer is actually. I "know" that DID isn't formed in adulthood but can events in adulthood make DID more complicated and disturb the inside way enough to make it noticeable to the host? Her question was about trauma that happened 2 years ago, if that caused my DID or if it just made it worse? I'm thinking it just made it worse but I don't know if that's what made it noticeable or if it was the inability to meet the demands at work emotionally that brought it to my attention that something isn't right. I've always been depressed and just well "me", what that "me" is I still don't know lol (I've been labeled as having identity issues by T's who don't believe in DID) and I had found PC when googling "am I crazy?". Does anyone have the answer to pain's question?

[anderson]

((((FOX)))) In my case an event in my adulthood did cause me more problems. It was pritty hard on me going to a T telling him that I needed help because I known parts where not communcating. And that this is what happened to me can those parts get T so that we can be rejoined together. In my case the coping mecanisim that I had develope as a child still worked that way. The trauma that a person goes through regardless if it was during the childhood or adulthood still hurts a person soul and heart. We hope the angel you have in this T will be able to understand that.

[Fox]

In a moment of co-consciousness with Max (I'm usually not co-conscious with him but he's the one I'm co-conscious with most of any time I have achieved co-consciousness however fleeting) I heard him telling the T that all he wants is stability and for everyone to work together as a whole instead of being divided according to how good or bad they are. Apparently there's not a lot of communication even within between parts. I guess since we're new to all of this it's probably normal there's such a separation, right?

{hugs Anderson back}

[wanttoheal]

T said parts here were created during childhood trauma. When I was an adult, however, I faced some major trauma events, which actually made what seemed to work before not work any longer. My world kind of fell apart. I did ask T about it once, wondering if some of the adult trauma times created new parts. For me, the answer was no. She said that for me, the events as an adult triggered parts created as a child. From my understanding, parts that dealt with certain kinds of stuff as a child just automatically took over during things as an adult.

Based on that, I'd say that the trauma you dealt with a few years ago was handled by parts created when you were a child, but everyone is different so I can only go by what went on for me. Hopefully the new T will be able to help you understand what goes on for you.

[Fox]

{hugs heal} That actually makes more sense than new parts being made. As we get older, new connections aren't made in the brain so maybe it's similar for part making. My new T says that we are what we think. He doesn't know much about DID at all and said that . . . great I forget now. I'm suddenly shivering and cold. I'll come back to this tomorrow when I'm not tired. Take care and have a good night everyone. Sorry to leave you guys hanging midstream like this. *sends safe hugs to everyone*

[anderson]

(((((FOX))))) and please keep us posted my inner parts are listen and we are hoping that things work for you. What Wanttoheal said is true to our understanding. That parts from childhood design to handle situations come forward to do their job. The back lash is now you have more parts to share day time with instead of them doing down time in the back of your mind we hope that makes seance to you and thank you for giving us hope that there is good T/Pdocs out there.