[AShadow721]

I posted this thread yesterday I believe...I was writing about a memory that I only remember pieces of. I believe it was a trauma from what I can remember. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=137560 Since, soon afterward....(matching up the year a movie came out on video and the age my mother first put me in therapy out side of school), I began rolling around fretting on the floor, washing my hands excessively, and locking myself in the bathroom (and possibly using this voice, that my mom reminded me off months ago). Well, when I was writing this and re-reading it over and over, I went into this different voice again. And normally, I would stop thinking about the memories I remember and try to block it out again. But yesterday, I was obsessing about this memory and wanted to know EVERYTHING a.s.a.p. I even watched the trailer to the movie Jurassic Park which I was forced to watch before this incident, just to try to induce memories. I just became panicky and manic....

I didn't really remember anything more. And in this trailer, the kids were running away from the dinosaurs, and a man said something like do you think they get to us? And the woman said, only if they learn how to open doors. And then the dinosaur opened the door. (For a long time I've said dinosaurs don't exsist, since the Bible doesn't say anything about them...pretty sure this started after this incident) This is something that happened to me many times. I try to hide, but someone gets the door opened. I watched that part a few times. I wondered if maybe that was the only reason we were so scared. But the after effects show otherwise.

Anyway, I've had this voice come out before a while ago while reading another thread I posted. I even posted about the voice. I know with DID, a switch would come easily and I wouldn't have to focus on completely switching. So what is going on? If this is an alter, why can I not switch to the alter completely? Or am I just switching slowly and noticing the switch and not noticing that anything is different once I get to the otherside? I'm so confused. If this is an alter, it seems like he (I would call it a he since the voice is masculine) holds all the memories to my traumas and WANTS to remember. But then, why can't I remember it all?

[AShadow721]

Not really confused anymore, just not understanding what I'm going through....I always wanted a brother, so that he could protect me. So now I call this voice my older brother. I'm not sure if it is an alter or if it is only my imaginary brother I made up as a child to feel more safe. But whatever it is, he doesn't think I'm ready or well enough to know the truth. He's protecting me from my own memory and at this point, I think I should stop battling with myself about it. But my older brother, is very emotional. He's depressed and what's someone to listen and answer him. I've never felt such an intense feeling of desperation. I want my brother to go away, so I can relax. This just feels weird, I'm not myself.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

I posted this thread yesterday I believe...I was writing about a memory that I only remember pieces of. I believe it was a trauma from what I can remember. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=137560 Since, soon afterward....(matching up the year a movie came out on video and the age my mother first put me in therapy out side of school), I began rolling around fretting on the floor, washing my hands excessively, and locking myself in the bathroom (and possibly using this voice, that my mom reminded me off months ago). Well, when I was writing this and re-reading it over and over, I went into this different voice again. And normally, I would stop thinking about the memories I remember and try to block it out again. But yesterday, I was obsessing about this memory and wanted to know EVERYTHING a.s.a.p. I even watched the trailer to the movie Jurassic Park which I was forced to watch before this incident, just to try to induce memories. I just became panicky and manic....

I didn't really remember anything more. And in this trailer, the kids were running away from the dinosaurs, and a man said something like do you think they get to us? And the woman said, only if they learn how to open doors. And then the dinosaur opened the door. (For a long time I've said dinosaurs don't exsist, since the Bible doesn't say anything about them...pretty sure this started after this incident) This is something that happened to me many times. I try to hide, but someone gets the door opened. I watched that part a few times. I wondered if maybe that was the only reason we were so scared. But the after effects show otherwise.

Anyway, I've had this voice come out before a while ago while reading another thread I posted. I even posted about the voice. I know with DID, a switch would come easily and I wouldn't have to focus on completely switching. So what is going on? If this is an alter, why can I not switch to the alter completely? Or am I just switching slowly and noticing the switch and not noticing that anything is different once I get to the otherside? I'm so confused. If this is an alter, it seems like he (I would call it a he since the voice is masculine) holds all the memories to my traumas and WANTS to remember. But then, why can't I remember it all?

there is no way for us here to tell you what is an alter of DID for you or not because there are so many other mental and physical health problems that can share, mimic having the same symptoms and reactions as being DID. Talk with your therapy people and they can tell you if what is gong on is having an alter with DID.

I can tell you my first impression when I read your post. the rolling on the floor, washing hands obsessively, obsessive thoughts, hearing and talking in voices my thoughts was OCD. some kids with OCD do repetative rolling rocking and talking in voices that are not their natural voices as a way to comfort theirself so do children with autism, some children who just want the attention of those around them do these things too when the adults happen to be busy. I also know people with other mental disorders not related to DID that have these same problems. So Im going to have to stick with my first thought of what you can do - talk with your therapist and let a qualified professional diagnose the problem.

[AShadow721]

I spoke to an old T about some of my symptoms that resembled autism and OCD. He said they were all most likely from abuse. He didn't think that it was autism, because I recognized my second cousin was autistic when he was only 12-13 months old, he was only diagnosed at 18 months. My uncle was also autistic, so that gene (if there is such a thing) is in our family. Also, my grandfather has OCD, but we believe he developed it after he stopped drinking. I was abused since I was a baby, this I know. And I have all kinds of problems because of it. And since I do dissociate daily and have had dissociative amnesia, I would not be completely suprised, if this truly is an alter. Even now, I feel much better and myself, than from when I was writing before. I don't really care if someone else responds. I mean I would like someone too, but before I had this feeling of someone respond right now!!!, I'm going crazy!! If someone doesn't respond, I don't know what I'll do!! This is when I believe the alter came out. After that I read about how to communicate with one and I wrote to him and he yelled and cursed me out for trying to remember this trauma. I'm only trying to remember this one incident and hope that it could answer some questions. But this part inside me, won't let me. He almost forbids me to. It's okay. I know I'm not ready and I need to speak to a T about it.

[possum220]

Yup talk with a therapist and get them to check it out.

IF it is an alter I found that each one came out in its own sweet time. It took months b4 some showed up. And I have no idea if I have met them all yet either.

Whatever is happening the best thing you can do is try and relax and let the anxiety go.

Take Care.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((((AShadow721)))))))))))))) I so understand the cursing toward self. There is a part here who seems to have the sole job of calling me names and/or putting me down. It especially happens if I look in a mirror, but it happens other times as well. For me, this part of myself is mostly a chant of names (very not nice ones). T said it is probably names I was called as a child. Now that I have a better understanding of what goes on for me, it's a little easier for me to ignore it, although sometimes it's so loud that it's hard to deal with. I'm sorry you were cursed at. I know it's hard.

I guess my advice would be to not dig too hard. Outside of recent times of stress and traumas that caused my brain to open up and have chaos, my brain holds tightly to secrets that needed to be set apart to survive (and it seems that after those times, the information gets pulled back and I only have a memory that I had memories afterward). As I become more aware and stronger, little things come out into the light. Personally, I don't want to know anything about my past but I think as I need to know or am strong enough to know, my brain will allow it to happen.

Please take gentle care. I'm glad you have a therapist that you can talk to about this.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((AShadow))))

Thank you for posting. I am not sure whether it is an altar or not. Please talk to your therapist about it for only you and they can make that call. I know for me that sometimes they come out and I cannot make them come. When they are ready they will let you know they are there. I have not had co-consciousness for a long time but have been working on it for a while now.

Now after years of work and accepting slowly those within, we have co-consciousness and awareness and there is collaberation taking place. But before until I was ready and they were ready you could not push it. There are many times they would come forth and I did not know or connect to it. It is how we took care of those things that had to go somewhere for safe keeping.

Until they feel safe and you are in a place of really hearing they will hold close those things they were created for. Sometimes it takes a long time and sometimes not. It is different for everyone. Be patient and try not to push because it can only cause more harm to all of you. It will come together in time.

Please remember to breath and to take care of yourself. Know that we do care and we are listening and we do hear you. We are sitting quietly with you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps