[WePow]

Was not sure what to title this but I know I need to reach out to you guys here for a bit of help or advice. So thank you in advance.

Today I saw T. I have to see him again Wed to get my work clearance. I WANT to go back to work very much. I am so exhausted from therapy and working on me. I want to go to work and get lost in that world again. I had a total burnout and such and have been off work for mental healing for 2 1/2 months now.

A whole lot of great healing has happened. And I have processed the trauma for almost everything I think. It has been a crazy ride. And I am so anxious to get out of this emotional bumper car. I compare it to a bumper car ride because I think I am in control and have mastered all the stuff I need to master - I will be buzzing right along getting all my ducks in a row - and then WHAM! I run into another car or the wall or something and it jerks me around.

I have blended most of the memories and my alters are almost all silent and they have been heard and told their stories. My dissociation is not running my life now. I think I can go to work and not totally loose my mind. And I am working on anger management issues so I will be able to handle that. I want more than anything to be well NOW. I want MY life back.

But today, the alter Andy who had the heart of Mick - she had a lot of alters inside her that she was protecting me from - but Andy came forward when I was running an errand by myself for the first time since my nuclear meltdown. He wanted to go jump on a plane and just leave. I ended up talking with him and saying "Sure" - that we could leave anytime we want to leave. But that there was a price to pay in friendships and an even harder time because we would need to find a new job (not easy in the economy we are in) and we would hurt people we love and care about.
That Andy part of me got very quiet after all that but felt defeated. I wrote T and was excited because I think it was a major breakthrough in my thinking and catching my mind on things like this. I was so happy because of that!

Now I am lower than I have been in a very very long time. It is a deep sorrow. I was trying to talk with my Andy part but there is no answer. Probably because I have blended so much and told myself it is just me talking to myself that I am either blocking him out if he is still there - or something else is going on. For some reason he hates T more than Mick disliked T when we started therapy. I think it is because Andy part of me wants to be dissociative? He told me T said that I wanted to be this way. But I don't remember T saying that at all and it does not sound like T. Andy is also a part of me that had to lie and steal. So I think that is a lie. Do you guys have an alter who does that? Also, when I did talk with the Little One part of me the last time (been a little while now) - but she said Andy told them to hide from T because T was mad at me for having alters. I just think I am blended though and my mind is doing something odd to try to hold onto the old pattern? IDK!

I'm not sure what this low stuff is about. It is mixed with anxiety. It feels like an anxiety attack that has lasted now for over an hour. Mine usually only last about 5 min when they happen. It should pass.

Just needed to write I think.

[fadedspirit]

I'm working through something similar as well. I'm finding out that even while we feel we are blending well, there's still some unresolved or residued issues that maybe the other parts don't want to hear, so they in turn give me the silent treatment. I'm also finding out that saying what needs to be said internally whether anyone is listening or not seems to help me feel better as a person. I guess it's kind of like a reasoning skill.
Andy may just be afraid of the unknown or doesn't understand what is happening. Open, internal, communication is very important I believe. Just let them all know what's going on and how you feel about it even if there is no reply. That's what has helped me calm my own anxieties and lows. It's good to hear you're healing. Hope I've made a little sense that may help.

[justdontknow]

WePow,

Usually Faith writes the responses for many of us but I feel like I need to write back to you instead of her. I too have been having lots of odd emotions and feeling lost and confused. I also went to see T (actually he's a counselor so I guess I should say C) today. He mentioned to me that he has never seen me so distant and so disconnected and so confused. Things have been very weird at the hotel lately. There is an alter, maybe an introject of evil abusers, that lies to me constantly. She tries to tell me lies about my C and about everyone else in my life outside of the hotel (we all live in a hotel inside). She tries to brainwash me into thinking odd things and believing that I am bad etc. Just everything that is completely opposite of what is really the truth. I had a hard time distinguishing between the two. I just felt so lost and confused and have been having a really tough past two weeks.

I have felt great sorrow because my protector CE has been quiet and not talking to me. She says it is because I need to learn to handle things on my own, but when she, who has been with me for so long, suddenly went silent and was not around, I felt a great loss. One that hit me like a ton of bricks. When I first learned about her and all the others living in the hotel, I tried to deny it. I tried so hard to make it not be true. I did not want that to be my reality. But now that I have accepted that truth and been working through all the pain, now as she is backing off and soon going to reintegrate, I feel the loss. I don't want her to leave me. I don't want her to be gone. I didn't want her in the first place and now I don't want her to leave. My C is trying to convince me that once she reintegrates she will become a part of me and not be lost or gone at all, but I am still having a hard time with that. It has brought me to a very low point.

There are other things that are contributing to my sadness, but these have been some of the biggest ones. I just wanted to tell you that I am having a similar (at least it seems similar to me) experience and I want you to know that you are not alone (it was so good to see your post and see that I am not alone as well). There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to take your life back, to take your power back, to want to move in that healthy direction. That is very positive and empowering. But as my C keeps reminding me, it is not without its challenges. He told me that it sometimes feels like it gets worse before it gets better and I need to be patient.

There might be some inside that are very resistant to change. I have a 17 year old part that has known nothing but abuse as her reality and now that it is gone (there were evil introjects that had continued the abuse for a very long time), she is looking for something to make it come back because that is her "normal". To her the change hurts and she doesn't want the hurt even though it is healthier than her past. She has been doing everything in her power to resist me/us getting better and slowly we are still moving in that direction even though she would rather not. I know that right now she hates me and especially hates C. She is one that I constantly struggle with, but also one that needs the most healing. I try to do my best but sometimes it just feels like it is not enough.

As far as your mind doing odd things to try and hold onto that old pattern, it is something that C calls repetition compulsion. He says that it is something our minds/bodies do because it is our "normal". It maybe very unhealthy or maybe viewed as sick or whatever, but it is what we are used to, what we are familiar with and most all human beings stick with what is comfortable even if it is very destructive or unhealthy. He says that when our bodies and minds try to recreate that we are just trying to feel comfortable. Change is very difficult and my body and mind are resistant to it, but it has to happen if I am to be healthy. I am not sure that I have ever been healthy in my entire life, but that is what I am striving for and some of me does NOT want that (especially the evil introjects).

I do not know if I answered any of your questions, but I hope that you can draw some comfort from this response. I know it has been very healing for me to read your post and then respond so I thank you for feeling safe enough to post this here. I draw strength from you WePow and I hope you do the same if it is safe to do so. Everyone at the hotel is with you. We hear you and we are within hugging distance when it feels safe. Take as many hugs and warm fuzzies as you need or want from the hotel. We find that for every hug or warm fuzzy that is taken, two more replace it. So when we help others by offering them, we help ourselves as well. Thank you for this WePow. It has touched me deeply and helped me in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it. Know that you are loved and needed.

With gentle hugs,

Cris

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Wepow))))

Thank you for posting my friend. Your words do make sense and what you are feeling is okay. You are bound to be exhausted for what you have been doing is exhausting work. Healing is not easy but it is rewarding in the end and along the way. You have made so much progress and I am amazed at your strength you have shown. So thank you for allowing us to be a part of all you have done. It is an encouragement to us all.

Taking back your life and being whole is the goal we all are working for. Whether in blending or just coming together to be able to live a functional life that we have some control on. Being able to communicate and gain the strength of all within and knowing that it is okay for all those within have been brave and carried things that have made us who we are.

I am so sorry you are feeling so low and that you are lost. Listen to Andy and comfort him for he is part of you and part of the whole. In comforting him you are comforting you. Maybe he needs to just be heard for trust for all is something that has to be learned and it is hard sometimes to take place. I know that it is confusing but you will work through this in time also. It is a process and you are doing just what you need to do as you are listening and talking with him.

I am so glad that you wrote and if that is what you need to do then please allow yourself to do that. We are here to listen and to support you in whatever way we can. Sometimes it takes us a little time to answer but we are here for you and we care. Keep reaching and talking. Listen to yourself and follow your heart. And above all else know that you are a survivor and you are important.

Thank you again for posting wepow and know that we are here for you. Keep writing whenever you need to. We love you and we care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[WePow]

All - thank you from the bottom of my heart for your replies and help.
I can not write much at this time. I am recovering from last night and too low of SU thoughts. But I made it through. Had dream about my house - where the alters lived. My mental house. And my dream was T had hired someone to condemn the house and I looked at it and it was not the same beutiful house it once was. It was shambles. So they were placing explosives all over in the rooms. I hid in a dumpster and was trying to not be seen. They were getting ready to blow up the house when I woke up. Now I am just blank.... Again. Thank you for the hugs.

[Hunny]

The Hive greets the ever present, important, special and wanted House of WePow.

I never want to lose her House. I always want to know her House and be able to say goodmorning WePow and the House of WePow. Please always say Hi back if you can.

Lots of Love,
Hunny
The Hive

[WePow]

(((((( Hunny ))))))) Hi back. :-)

[anderson]

((((Wepow)))))
What the others said is true when a part of you has always lives a certain way it is hard for that part to change and to trust something that they have not exsperenced for them selfs.
In the begining We were so scared that we would switch and not finish some thing or not be able to do something so that when an alter felt the need to do something we tried not to stand in that parts way most of the time it was getting art supplies or even just going for a walk. The worst fear was that Each of us would no longer be. That we would wake up one day and not have that part with us. When said in a past post that these where the only friends and family you have every truely known. That was the same for us in so many ways. But as time went on and we remember more of our earlier training each of us has learned that there is more then one way of "being". That we no longer have to keep secreats from each other. The new house that you are trying to build is a house of openess and trust. In a way it is like building a glass house so no one can hide from each other. Just give Andy love and let him know that he no longer has to hide to protect you. Each of us inside of us thought that the others could not, would not like us, if they truely saw who and what we are. But when you look at those memiors with the emotions and understanding that each one protected you for a time from the memiors and abuse then they to will start to understand that they are an honored warrior not what the abuser wanted them to think and feel. WE are here with you remember that.