[kimmydawn]

where you're around seeing and feeling? you're not aware of the massive influence at the time because you're being so heavily influenced. it's all very foggy. apparently, we were triggered and it just went crazy from there.

i'm new to this. i usually completely check. it's very confusing and hard. it's embarassing. i'm left feeling ashamed.

it's like there was me and another at the same time...both acting. it was total chaos though. it was miserable. now, i feel nothing but shame.

can anyone relate?

thanks,

kd

[Monty_girl]

KD, You may feel ashamed or embarassed, and it's OK to have those feelings. Sounds like it was very overwhelming for you. Just take a breath and know that it's alright.
Let me know if I'm wrong on this or not. But was it like you could see things happening and your body doing things, but you really didn't have much control over your actions or words coming out of the mouth? Just like you were in this fog and can't see everything to clearly? KD, sounds like maybe the start of co-consciousness? Especially if you didn't completely "check".
There are times that I see myself doing things and is like I'm under water and just can't reach the surface to stop myself from what ever it is I'm doing at the time. Is very frustrating because I want the control and just can't seem to get it.
I understand how it might feel like total chaos and complete lack of control for you. But it sounds like a start to being co-conscious. It's a step forward. May feel horrible right now, but it does get easier with time. Now that you have experienced it, you will know the next time it happens that, "Hey this is Ok and I'll be OK". It's just very scary when it happens for the first time. A lot of unknowns. But you are Ok, we are all here for you. Love ya (((((((((((((((((( KD ))))))))))))))))))))), it's OK hon.
Monty

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))))))))) thank you. you know what i'm speaking of well. i could also feel...very intense feelings.

i was just along for the ride then other times, it was me and the other was back. like we were trading off? i don't know. it's so strange. i've had several instance of "watching" lately. this was different...but similar. ugh

(((((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))))))))

love ya,

kd

[Kathyanita]

Kimmy-

I tried talking about that feeling until it excellerated to the point of just brain hash . But to explain to another I said it was like having more than one current real time reality playing at once

or like projecting onto a screen several films running and all are the same vivid current reality and Im the films and also the screen on which they are playing.
So being real running time and being apart as the screen onto which its playing. . .and now im afraid I'll cause you confusion with my relating because theres no good apt vocabulary for thr real unrealness of it. Like I think clinically speaking it would be considered progress to not be able to have one part cancell out another but its also projections and current-time realities that come unedited for content and so can spin into a disturbing disruption.
Hows that?

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((kathyanita))))))))))))))) how well you understand! how well you explained to me that you do understand.

yes, it's like two separate realities playing at the same time. i've never quite experienced what i did yesterday. not will all the feelings involved. further, it was like an unspoken fight going on inside. it was yucky.

here is was...half seeing/half feeling what was going on, and trying to reason and calm it all away. there was no reasoning. there was no calming. someone was triggered. i could see the overreacting, but couldn't do anything about it. reasoning didn't work. ugh.

thank you for understanding and relating.

kd

[Monty_girl]

Sorry to hear that you were just having intense feelings. Sometimes any feeling are just to much to deal with. Do you think that maybe when you started to have these intense feelings that this is when the other step in? And maybe that you both were sharing the feelings that were happening at the time? Maybe like it was to much to handal for just one of you, so you all had it share it. Like with going in and out. You felt it for a little while and then they took it.

[kimmydawn]

yes, insider was triggered. that much i know. it's as though i felt this insider's massive, massive defensiveness. i felt it and i understood it, but just to a point. insider was reacting to trigger. i wasn't, but understood. does that makes sense?

i was upset but for different reasons. it was very confusing. however, i could feel some of what insider was feeling. it was intense! it was so very confusing. i'm just glad to be back. however, now i feel shame and embarassment.

now, it's quickly becoming a blur. the thing is...now, i can barely connect with any of the feeling or reasoning from yesterday...none of it even makes sense anymore. ugh.

thank you (((((((((((((((monty))))))))))))))))))

kd

[Kathyanita]

may be insiders giving a titrated dose for testing how much is ok and what will you all do with or make of the experience as a whole. Like exposing to a virus in order to build immunity or test for allergic reaction - to put it physical terms cause it has physical feelings to it also. To me anyway.

[Monty_girl]

Makes complete sense. Maybe you were upset about this others feelings and them being triggered. Even though you weren't triggered you felt how upset the other was and that caused you to have your own feelings about their feelings. Having feelings about feelings. Sounds confusing, but I think I understand. Is like sometimes I have those intense feelings just under the surface. I can feel them, but they aren't my feelings, but it causes me to have feelings about what I'm feeling.
Have you journaled any of what you remember about yesterday?

[kimmydawn]

that's true, kathyanita. i feel i've been tested alot recently...given memories, etc. very true....

thank you,

kd

[kimmydawn]

monty, yes i think that was it. i was feeling this other's intense feelings and felt for them. also getting feelings of my own because i understood what was going on but it was out of control for me.

thank you both so much for understanding. i don't feel such the freak now.

kd

[kerria]

((((((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))))))))

The work that you're doing in therapy probably is making you aware of other parts- i think it's progress but i know it feels so confusing.
maybe one of your parts was triggered and you were aware of it. Were you also trying to comfort at the same time? i've had things like that happen. Be careful and gentle with you all, you've been through so much lately.

Take care,
kerria

vicki revealed stuff at the last therapy session and i really felt for her. i came home and felt sick all day. i had the memories, but they were like fleeting visions. they don't seem like they really belong to me. they are still Vicki's and i really don't feel anything. sad for what Vicki went through, but no real association with it having had happen to me. don't understand that at all. anyone???
w_i