don't know why

Possible trigger? I don't know. It might be but I don't think it is.



I don't even know why I should give those voices in my head the time of day since they technically aren't even real. Most of the time I do, whether I'm nice or not really depends. Whenever I think this post in my head it makes me really cold. I hate that.

I also don't like how when I go to bed it feels like I'm sinking deeper into myself and my head feels like it's going crazy like this energy is bouncing around from my eyes and it bounces all around my head. It also aides that sinking feeling. Like, I should be seeing something, like, before whenever I'd get the feeling like I was just below water looking up and I'd try to go deeper but I would just float back up... now I just keep getting dragged under. I guess if it was actually meaningful it wouldn't be so bad but nothing ever happens. I guess I just feel like shouting if you are going to do something then do it! Don't be so coy. I'm not playing around anymore.

If you can understand this:

1. good for you (I figured my friends here at DD are the only ones that really could)
2. please respond, all responses are depreciated but I always love input of people's thoughts on the matter

okay... off to bed now, that post has just been floating in my brain for awhile.

Kaika,

Thank you for feeling safe enough to post. I do understand some of it. The sinking feeling is the worst. Sometimes I feel as if the air of life is being squeezed from my lungs because I keep getting dragged deeper and deeper, not literally but figuratively. I am not sure if this is truly what you are talking about but this has been my experience. Everyone here is listening and sending positive thoughts and warm fuzzies your way.

Cris

(((((Kiaka))))
What is real and true to one person is not always true to anothere.
We are sitting here with you. May those within know that non of you are truely alone no more. We send safe hugs to those with in from all of us.

weird because it doesn't happen every night... it didn't last night but then again it took me a long time to fall asleep since my mind was racing me around

How do you feel tonight? Are you doing ok? Just sitting here wondering and hoping you're doing well.

I dunno, I'd have to go to bed to find out since it always happens when I'm falling asleep. As far as the other stuff goes... I think it went ok

I am struggling again tonight
over the reality of reality

(((Kaika)))

We are sitting here thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and hugs from the hotel. Take care of yourself and know that we are here sitting and listening. We are here for whatever kind of support you need and we are able to give. The youngers/littles are sending you all warm fuzzies. Krista and PJ would like to send you Bunny and Dmitri (their stuffed animals) for a while too.

Hotel Cris

((((((Kiaka))))))
just know that we are here with you. taken it one day at a time.
the reality of our lives can be quite stress full.

I am vaguely wondering... if opening up internal communication again would make things better. Since I think I killed them. Or suppressed them. For awhile. But... I think I'd just cause trouble. I don't think you'd want me here.

((Kaika))

You do what you feel like you need to do and that will be the best thing for you. It doesn't really matter what other people think really. We will be here for your support. If you need to open up communication inside again, maybe that will will help you. You won't know until you try though. We will always be accepting of who you are without reservation because we need others to do the same for us. Don't hesitate to do the things you need to do to help yourself achieve better mental health.

Sending gentle hugs,

Cris

(((Kaika)))

((((((((((((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))))))))) You are welcome here.

BB

just an update that I've decided against it. I mean, they'll come back in their own time whether I want them too or not. Now is not a good time.

I think you are referring to opening up internal communication? That you have decided against doing that?
Only you can decide that. So if you are not feeling good about it or strong enough for it, then you have made a good decision. Sometimes making any decision, right or wrong, can make you feel better. Just having that particular weight lifted. When and if they do "come back" I wish you much success in communication at that time.
Until then, I wish you to feel as good and strong and safe as you possibly can on your own, just for you! Thank you for sharing, and for the update!

yes, you thought right. I'm enjoying my days without internal drama and ptsd symptoms very much. Well, except for last night when kept hearing footsteps and feeling like someone was there even when nobody was. (amongst other things) but I did fall asleep eventually and I'm fine now

Thanks for the update Kaika! I am glad you are enjoying the internal peace. If you are free of a lot of your symptoms, at least for now, I am glad you can relax and savor it. I'm sorry you've still been troubled by some things (like the footsteps) but it sounds like you have thus far been able to deal with it well. I hope you continue to be able to get sleep, and feel fine.

(((((Kaika))))))



.

many times I want to tell people things but there aren't any words for it to say. it's times like this I wish I could explode.

I hate that feeling! I know some people find it easier to communicate with artwork or music, when there just don't seem to be any words, maybe you could try that? I hope you can find an outlet!