[darkpurplesecrets]

Triggering----triggering----------------

I feel a feeling of fear so thick it is almost swallowing me in its depths. My head it hurts with a pain I have never allowed myself to feel. A feeling I did not even know existed or at least one I have never acknowledged. A feeling that feels I have known it yet it is so far away but for the first time grabbing me. A feeling I have known somewhere yet closed off to me. I am not supposed to need anyone----no one at all.

That was the rules, the way. To feel this much makes me feel too vulnerable. I do not belong anywhere with anyone. I was left alone, told no one needs anyone, that I was a problem, that I had no worth, that I was the biggest mistake ever made, that I was just to perform, that my own worth was nothing. I have never needed no one for a nothing----never needs, never wants, never feels, never tells. Nothing is----nothing, an empty shell void of all. Nothing means----nothing. And no one needs a nothing for they have no worth, no reason for being, for nothing cannot be heard for it has nothing to say nothing of importance----nothing at all.

I have always known I was nothing. So where is this coming from? I did things with nothing showing----no feelings, no emotions, and no thought, just did----where is this coming from. Where? I was told how to feel, how to react, how to think, what to do. I felt what they allowed me to feel and I knew to not feel anything else and really there were no other feelings, for when there were there were beatings, punishment, lights, pain. It was not worth feeling or even knowing they existed.

It was okay for me to hurt, to be hurt, to hurt myself, but I never wanted anyone else to hurt. It was always my fault if they did and I had to somehow take that pain and hurt from them. Sometimes I could but many times I paid a price for them hurting. This is why they did what they did because I made them. I asked them to hurt me and I thanked them for their punishment. Then it became my fault----always my fault. No one but me----just be good and then no one hurt and they would not have to punish me. See, it hurt them to punish me they said----it hurt them more than me. Yet, I was the one that needed it no one else.

Somehow if I could hurt badly enough it would make up for everyone else hurting, I always felt that was my job, my duty. I push and push for everyone to get mad at me and hate me because I feel I deserve no one. I feel if I push everyone away first then no one is ever hurt by me. If no one cares then I have done my job----do not feel, do not talk. Somewhere over these last three years some part of me came alive, a part I did not know existed, a part that is not supposed to be.

Others hurt because of me, others got sick from the simple fact they knew me, everyone walks away because my wall does not allow anyone that close. But the wall is crumbling and I do not know what to do. I never felt this before and I never knew I could or even had the ability to. This pain is real and for the first time it is my pain. For the first time I realize that even a nothing feels something, deep, deep inside.

Even a nothing needs to be loved and wanted somewhere in this world. I feel so cold, so alone, so hurt. For the first time I feel. For so long I was oblivion to even my own self. I moved in motion knowing it was okay to feel for others but no one could feel for me. I had to block away everything and denied everything. No feelings, not really, no thoughts, or at least not really known. And I am terrified. I do not know how or what or why but I know.

For the past several months now something has been happening. Somehow feeling and needing would sneak in and I tried to shut it down and push it back. Some part of me was not supposed to know, some part of me was and is supposed to stop this. Some part is trying. I am torn and fighting for my life, literally. A feeling that I am to end myself is screaming at me and getting stronger. To realize feelings is to die. I do not want to die, somewhere inside. I feel I am moving in motions with something foreign yet dangerous. I am really afraid.

Maybe I should not be writing this but then maybe again maybe I should. I have tried so hard to keep to myself. I have tried not to bother anyone. I do not know if it is okay or if I am closing myself off in this fear. I cannot seem to find the words to say what I want so much to say. I am afraid, as is everyone. I am trying to open up trying to reach out from this darkness and make some sort of sense to someone. There is crying and screaming within and my own self without. I am so afraid of what is taking place both within and without.

How do I connect the dots that have no connection? It is loud and my head hurts. I want to scream and I feel very anxious like I cannot really breath very well. I want to hurt but yet I fight. I feel so alone here and so little. Nothing makes sense as I grasp for a way to let out what I feel, this pain that is tearing me apart. I am afraid----something that I keep saying. Am I losing myself? Am I becoming that little one who really does not know anything or anyone? I can feel scared----I can connect the dots to that feeling. It is known and a real part of who I am.

It is that little part that is NOTHING. Trained and taught----bad and worthless----made for them----and once again I can see the dots connect there. These I know and they are part of me that seems to be there----ever present.

How do I write the loudness that is piercing? I try to speak it out in words but the silence is better because no one can hear this craziness. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are so loud that someone hears. At times it is like no one would understand yet at times maybe they would. At times it pierces my head and feels like someone is hurting me. But I do not say that because no one is here. I do not want to say that very loud, the voices only get bigger. Is this what it is like to go insane?

Sometimes I do not know what to do. I stare thinking you should know but I cannot connect the dots of what it is. My head is hurting and I do not feel real yet I watch in amazement words coming across this screen. What you must think. I feel scared and lost and I wonder what will happen if I remember, if I allow anyone to really see what I am holding. Writing I feel conflicting feelings, part wanting to scream out this anguish part wanting to shut down out of fear of rejection or being in trouble. I feel right now that I am being swallowed up but it is loud. Maybe if I keep writing something will break. That somehow I will release some form of what is happening and feeling.

Time just keeps ticking but it feels as though this night will last forever. I feel like some sort of puzzle that is never complete----you can have some idea of what it looks like but it is never for sure. These feelings are real and I am feeling them but terror is too. Does anyone hear me or does it even matter.

Right now nothing makes sense and the pain pushes on and fear radiates every part of my being. Sleep does not come and silent screams continuously scream but no one hears no one knows. The memory I am seeing and feeling does not go away. How does one tell anyone of what lies within silent screams that echo only within myself and those within? How do we release these very feelings that are so unknown and terrifying as I sit here feeling anything but okay.

My heart hurts and tears falls down like sheets of rain. I am feeling cold and unsure of even this room or these words. All I know is it hurts and I need anyone right now to hear what I cannot seem to say. But I am reaching and trying. Please. I am scared. Even though this night is not the night from long ago it feels just as real and as strong as if it were happening all over again. And I do not know how to feel this and I am so alone. And I feel that terror once again.

dps

[Gr3tta]

dpsWe hear you!! You are real, you are here in the world, and we hear your words. You are not nothing. You deserve to feel, not just pain and fear, but joy and contentment. You deserve to want, and to need, and to have your needs met. We understand your feeling alone and scared, but we do hear you, and care for you.
~Emma

[Onward2wards]

Taking ownership of our feelings when we have had them invalidated so much by others is a big step. What I am understanding is that you are coming to terms with your own feelings and struggling against the old lies you were told that you have no right to them.

I have self-doubts and fears myself so I can relate that much, but you have had to fight so much more for your own right to be yourself than I ever have. I can see you trying so hard to encompass your hurts, your fear of being punished for acknowledging them, trying to just be your own self when you remember so strongly being told you had no independent worth, and the urge to just shut it all off and have no feelings at all. It must be difficult to process all this, to connect the dots as you phrase it so well. I admire your strength ... I see a lot of persistence and tenacity behind your self-expression here.

It may help to remember: you do have worth as your own person, with your own needs and feelings, with no obligation to anyone except as YOU choose. You were lied to, at an age when none of us expect that because we are so absolutely trusting. It wasn't the fault of that person inside that processing the message of having no intrinsic worth, and having awful experiences, was beyond their capacity to recognize as just lies and abuse at the time it happened. It's not your fault now that it still haunts you so strongly. I like to offer whatever support and acceptance I can to others - talking with you I feel I am getting better at doing that, and gain acceptance myself. You are doing good, you really are. The world is a better place with you around! You DO have value, just by being you. And yes, I am going to be a royal pain and repeat that as often as possible.

I wish you all the best with this. ((((((DPS))))))

[Nupoet64]

DPS, I hear you and weep. I can relate on many levels and you have done a wonderful job putting it into words...many safe hugs...

[lynn09]

(((((dps))))) Your true self has been held prisoner by your abusers' lies from the very beginning. What your abusers told you is the very same thing that all abusers tell their victims - my own brother's favorite words, echoing what our parents said to me my entire life, "You're nothing. You're nobody. You don't have any rights." Abusers are unable to assign value to themselves and must rely on how others perceive and assign value to them - this is the damage inflicted on their identities by their own abusers, and the damage they inflict on their victims to enslave them - to make their victims dependent upon them for acceptance - they will define and forcibly impose on their victims' identities that serve their own self-interests - they will control how their victims are portrayed to and perceived by others to justify abusing their victims and to manipulate others into abusing their victims for them. The ultimate goal of all abusers is to control everyone's perception of reality in order to enhance how they are perceived and assigned value by others to validate their own right to exist, believing that truth and reality are mere products of perception; i.e., "I can deceive and manipulate others into perceiving me as thus, therefore I am" and "I can deceive and manipulate others into perceiving you as thus, therefore you are."

But, in your intense pain and fear, dps, I hear something very positive. Your words sound so much like "labor" - your true self still trapped in the "womb" and struggling to be born so that it can live. All of life is birth and death - when we are born physically, we die to the world we have known since conception and are born into a new reality; and throughout our life experiences, we die to one set of circumstances in order to be born into another.

Your true self is struggling and fighting so hard to be born, to finally achieve a state of being, so that you can live the full, rich, worthwhile life that is intended for each of us - it's not about what we and/or others think we "deserve," but what we NEED to become healthy, strong, fully-functioning individuals able to create worthwhile lives for ourselves and to be a benefit to others. For your true self to be born into such a life of potential and possibility, it must die to the world of your abusers' lies where it has been trapped for so long, where it feels a sense of "comfort" only because of its familiarity. Of course it is terrifying and excruciatingly painful to die to the known and be born into the unknown; hence the pessimistic viewpoint, "Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know;" but, truer still is the optimistic viewpoint, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

You are so much stronger, dps, than you realize - just look at all that you have already survived and accomplished - and give yourself credit. The very fact that you have continually reached out to others for help, and even to help others, despite your abusers' corrupted programming and the damage they have inflicted upon you is irrefutable proof of your tremendous courage, strength of character, personal integrity, veracity, tenacity, determination, compassion, empathy, etc. - qualities that more than justify your existence and validate your right to live - your right to die to the world of your abusers' lies in order to bring your true self into a state of being - your right to be who you choose to be and to live the life you desire.

Be proud of who you are, dps; I am, and I'm honored to call you "Friend." lynn09

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( dps ))))))))))))))

[Jewels]

(((((((((( dps ))))))))))

we hear you loud and clear...we know this is a difficult time for you, and know that many things seem to be flying in your face atm. Take a step back, and do some deep breathing. Calm yourself so that you can look at this and see that you are beginning to get to the heart of what is going on, and then you will be able to begin to work on it, which I know you are doing now. Let me offer my hand and sit with you right now, and be there for you. I will sit with you as long as you need me to. I love you my friend, and whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to be with you, I'm there. As much as I can be. I know you are strong, and you are stubborn. I know this about you. It's what has helped me in times when I wanted to give up. You always said something to me to help me hold on. Now I want to be there for you. I know you will come out on the other side, whole, and in complete control. I know you will do it. I have faith in you. And I have faith that your therapists will work with you to get strong as well.

Know that I love you. Know that you can do this, know that you will make it because you are strong. You are strong. Hear it...you DPS are strong. You are strong. Believe it.

Love and hugs,

Jewels

[Crew]

((((((dps)))))))))

We so can relate ...! We feel you and just keep on writing, please! The words you write are healing people today as well as you... I believe those words that are raw feelings now will play a huge part in your healing now and down the road. Just keep writing, just keep writing...ok?

With all our caring, warmth, healing and friendship,
Keep up your healing ((((dps))))))) we think your on a great path and as scary as it is for you guys things are working themselves out!

Good Luck!
Crew

[Miracle1986]

(((dps))))