Do you ever feel you want to do this to your others? It's how I feel now.

Bury them deep in the ground
Let them have not room to stir
No room to breathe
No tombstone to mark the spot
Deny their existence - they never were

sure did. Its impossible to kill them off, force them away and so on but if you are going into your memory states during therapy your therapist can help set the problems you are having straight by explaining to you while you are in those states what to do instead of what you are doing while in those memory states. For example I would become aware and find that while in a memory state I had cut myself. It took some time but finally through elimination my therapist figured out which memory state I was in when I cut unaware. She said after she figured out which one it was she told them among other things that she was afraid I would cut too deep and end up in the hospital er resulting in involluntary committment which would result in termination of my parental rights by the DHS case worker. Which of course would shut off the visitation plans that everyone on the case is working towards. She asked (and recieved) a strong promise that no more cutting without talking to her first. Once my therapist did this I noticed that me becoming aware and being cut slowed down and now my cutting while unaware is rare. It still happens but I can now go months before it happening whereas before it happened on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day. Hang in there it does get better.

Thank you myself

No, my counsellor can't help me with this I do go into my others at times but she doesn't recognise who is there at the time. Even if it is others which it may not be i know.

I no longer believe it will get better. It feels like the only way that can be is to go back to before and not admit their existence. Or maybe not to exist myself.

[allthegirls6]

Caroline, It does get better. Here the story. I spent years thinking I was crazy. Doing this, thinking that, turning up here, ending up there. All disjointed and not sure what happened exactly when. Then I find ive got people inside me and that was awful. Fighting, people arguing, hate campaigns against each other, lonlieness, confusion, people crying, people wanting to hurt ithers and doing it. Then cam acceptance. Listening. Slowly we all started to talk to each other. My god it was hard becasue the slightest thing was a big set back. But now, 5 years down the line I have a certain amount of "working together" going on. My life is managable without the huge daily ups and downs i used to have. Yes Ive got problems still, a quite serious one at the moment but its not as bad as it was in the dark days when we all hated, ignored and worked against each other.

So please Caroline, hang on. Work at it. Things do improve.

Allthegirls

how do i work at it when i don't know how to work at it or even if there is anythign to work at? It could all be in my mind and nowhere else, an invented thing, an attempt to explain the inexpliable. How do i find the way without a map or a guide?

[allthegirls6]

Its not easy. How do you work at it?,,,,,,,,, Mmmmm....... I dont have an aswer. I talked and talked and talked to my therapist. Ive cried, bargained with god, even the devil and every day just kep trying to make it make sense. Its awful, but everyone works differently. I dont think there is a map Caroline. Its just something that you have to keep plugging away at. I wis I hd an answer. I wish Caroline I could say here it is, do this and all will be fine. But Caroline you need to trust what you feel and what you think. I trust you to find the answers and find away to work at it. Please dont give up, or walk away or try to bury them cos its only going to bring you more heart ache.

All the girls

Don't trust me. I'm not worth trusting.

I'mseriously struggling here. It's too much for me. I have a week before I see the psychiatrist and I don't even know how I am going to get there let alone talk. I am increasingly fragmenting myself into the "social" me and the "real" me. The "real" me is lost, alone, afraid. If only I can find the way to close her down, to only have the social me, maybe I will survive. And yet I am scared that I will see the psychiatrist and convince him / her that there is nothing wrong with me.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are in this place in your life. Your T CAN assist you, greatly in fact, when you are ready. It's been found that there is always some part that becomes an organizer, or who knows everything about your "system." You and your T need to agree to some way that the T can ask or be told WHO is speaking and feeling at the time... often just a simple Hi from a "new" part being out is enough... the T can begin to put together the aspects of each part of you that way...

You can have your own system map, if it's currently allowed by your system. I think many with DID find having a myriad of writing and coloring tools and paper has helped them communicate with their other parts. Journaling is another good way. Be sure that you make it clear - to yourselves- that anyone who , say, writes in this particular journal or uses this particular paper can say or write or draw ANYTHING and no one else will destroy it or laugh at it or something to that effect. This will help those parts of you who might not feel safe now, feel ok with sharing.

Remember, singletons also have parts... the difference is the communication and sense of continuity between our "aspects" that we have that those with DID don't have automatically. Therapy can build that communication bridge. tc

Thank you sky but the reason I said my T can't help is because she ahs told me this. She doesn't feel able to and is referring me on. I have the appointment now but can't face trying to explain something which is so alien to me and (it seems0 to everyone else. Even my GP had to ask me what DID is. My counsellor is away on holiday (I think she returns on Monday) and my next appointment with ehr is at the end of this month.,
Thanks for the response. I just don't feel I can keep on with this alone.

[(JD)]

Well, Caroline, remember you have the members here to help you through this time inbetween Ts.. It's a good thing that your T was able to realize she isn't qualified, and she has done a good thing for you, by referring (as I'm sure others can attest to.) You don't HAVE to explain or describe all this ... your T will for you (to your newer T.) You just be you, who you are, feeling what you do...

Caroline you can find info on how to work on your DID in my thread at NAMI the subject line is DID. It has the things my therapist and I worked on and the things I did on my own, theres also info on DID, diagnostic procedures, and a resource list. I also posted the resourse list here on this site. Don't lose hope. it does get better.

[Zorah]

Yes, bury them deep & all pretend to be bigs & the same big, if you want to survive irl.

Don't let them out unless you have time & money & no responsibilities irl.

(((((((((Zorah)))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel this way too.

Caroline