[justdontknow]

It seems that for every small step that I take forward, I fall backwards off a huge cliff. It seems like I am not making any headway on being better. When I think everything is going well, things start to break apart again. I have been dissociating more and more and have been sinking back into that bad place. I know it is happening, yet I feel powerless to stop it. Our counselor says that it gets worse (sometimes much worse) before it gets better, but how do I make it through the "worse" parts without resorting to SIB or thoughts and actions that cause me to get into trouble or thrown into a psych ward? I feel so helpless right now and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright, but I can't stand being touched. How is that possible? I want something I cannot have because it is too painful. Touch is so toxic right now, but I want to feel it. I want to feel safe, loving hugs. I know that others inside feel my sadness and my other emotions and I cannot stop the flood from engulfing them. How come is it that I always seem to make myself sound so selfish? I want this, I want that...blah blah blah. I just want to feel like there is hope and it will get better. Hopefully this post is ok with community guidelines...I have forgotten what they are. Sorry.

Cris

[Luce]

Yes, it will get better. Along the way you will likely fall back off that cliff many, many times - it is a part of the journey. There will probably be times where you feel like you are right back where you started, and all your old coping mechanisms come back into play because right at that moment they are the only thing you know that helps.
But you are learning and growing and changing all the time, even in those times when you feel like you have not changed or learned or grown at all.
All of those tiny steps forwards take you to a place you have never been before, even when they are immediately followed by yet another fall back into those dark places. Every time you emerge out of those dark places you are able to inch forward yet another step, moving slowly but surely ever closer to the place you eventually want to be.
The journey may take you to the highest of peaks and the lowest of valleys and, at at times, around in circles, but the most important thing about the journey is this: You are on it.

Keep going. You will get there.

[Lillyleaf]

Cris,
I can tell you, yes it does get better. Sometimes it has to get worce yes! In fact it can get worce before it gets better. How do you know you can make it trough? because of the I want. The I want is what will make it through. You are a very very stong person and you can make it trough anything. Can you? Yes. You have your life in frount or you and right now where you are is looking back and saying it will be ok. This reminds me of a post I posted once. Right then I felt like it was the end. and I believed it too. But here I am a year later still holding on. Yes I still go through hard time but what makes the hard times easyer is you are now a stronger person. It gets easyer. It really does. Right now unlike last year I know I can count of friends. I know all these things that make it easyer. Yes it is better. It isnt the perfict life no ones will ever be. But the life that you can have. and if you keep working will have is one that you will want to live. Life throws at you ups and down frowns and smiles, tears and laughter but all the same you will have the life you want to live. or more realisticly the life worth living.

It is ok to want things. Everyone wants things. The diffrence is what you will do to get those things. It is ok to want.... hang in there it will get better I promise

life is a rode. Sometimes you are on the high peeks looking down and other times you are on the low peeks looking up. But the diffrence is next times you run into a river in the vally you can cross it because you have already done it! but sometimes it will take you a while to refiguer out how to cross the river because it is deeper. Still you will and are more prepared for this new one then you where for the older one.

I want the sun to come out tomorrow but I am scared that it will be to bright. If you ever want the plants to grow you have to risk them running out of water. It is ok to be scared but dont let it let you give up!

Life is a maze and although you really dont want to when you run into a dead end you have to just turn around and talk back so you can go fowards.

Cris I wish you the best. I know you will get there one day wether that day is tomorrow, a week away, or a decade you will get there and it will be worth it. Hang in there!!

[brittfly]

i too know it can feel bad before it gets better.... for me it has been a rough year with a couple of months of freedoms and life i have never felt every before in my life... then back to the darkness and then to find that same bright light came after it. I will fight any darkness to feel a light i have never felt.... i have been doing this a long time... every year the light days or months are different but so much better after a darkness... go for the fight.. go to the dark... u will find a light ad each time that light will become brigher... i promise...

[Crew]

(((((((((Justdon'tknow)))))))))))))))))

It doesn't seem to matter what exactly all that are working on themselves has to ask that question, am I really getting better.

I know I asked that question so many time cause yes it did seem like you take 1 step ahead and then you slide back 3 steps. We so get that. Having to realize that my T was only my guide of which I was giving the tour, that ! No, if there is nothing else anyone gets as to why I am here it is to know that I am living proof that, that light at the end of the tunnel it's there and also to those that feel they are sliding back as I have, during those times between those really rough times and the think your going backwards, In My Opnion, I don't think you or I are sliding back as far as we always gave credit to the sliding back....because if that were true in my opinion then I know I couldn't tell you that there is this light that is at the end of the tunnell....

Yes, there are still things I need to learn yet It seems from things I have read here at PC, It helps reading knowing I wasn't alone....
Ya know,

we just want you to know it really does get better! IMO

We wish you Peace.....
Crew (hopefully ok w/ hug)