what am I doing?

I don't know. I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and getting more and more stuck. I am not dealing with inside stuff at all. I don't have the time. I know it is a recipe for disaster yet it is as though I can do nothing else. I am working everyday but have nothing to show for it. Oldest needs soccer cleats as his broke and he plays on the high school team so pretty important. Daughter is wearing clothes that don't fit. I am so tired of seeing her shorts longer than her skirts. Plus this is her first year in high school and she is trying everything. I don't mind but her grades are suffering. And I do mean everything...she is in ROTC, mariachi, photography, and the black student council (that is their official name so please noone take offense). She has tried step and auditioned for the school play and the school talent show.My husband's car just underwent $900 in repairs. I get paid later today and he is expecting me to pay the utility bill which was over $300 and my phone bill of $47. I am so scared because I really need to get some things for the kids. They are not a priority to him and I really need new glasses. I went and got the prescription but cannot afford the glasses yet so I am having to see using my prescription sunglasses. It is not easy for me to drive in the dark with them. And there is work...it is not the most supportive place. I mentioned in an email to my principal that I wanted to advise the SAVE (Students Against Violence Everywhere) club as I was raped as a teen and also molested by a school staff member in high school. The email program we have has a history feature and it show she forwarded it three different times. Aaaggggghhhhh. I have no way of knowing if she edited it before sending it so now who knows who knows. I am not ashamed but it is not somethimg I go around sharing either. I had shared with her, wanting her to know my heart. And church is kinda getting on my nerves. We have services twice a week in our home. I am tired of always trying to prepare for company and then some members make themselves right at home to the point of getting things out and not putting them up. I guess I have really vented and ranted enough but I honestly feel so tossed about. And this is a bad time of year for me. Plus my assistant at school came to me last week talking about this show on Oprah she watched where one lady had 93 personalities and one just 13 and how it impacted their families and on and on. I was at a loss of how to respond. And I was wondering...does she see it in me? I think I do ok but am I really fooling anyone?

dear silentwhisper,

this is a poem posted by another member here (SophieG if i remember correctly). i hope it may offer you some hope. i wish you well. you sound so overwhelmed. sending gentle (((((hugs))))

[begin quote]

Don't quit when the tide is lowest,
For it's just about to turn;
Don't quit over doubts and questions,
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn;
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won.
Don't quit when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is amost nigh;
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Unilt you fail to try.
-Jill Wolf

Dancing Alone,
Thanks for sharing. I am very overwhelmed. Cannot sleep and have stress rashes all over.

(((silentwhisper)))
I am sorry things are so hard for you right now.
Keep posting... we are here to support you.

Please listen to this:


I feel for you...



You can do it! You'll find the strength to go on! In the meantime... 'use' your friends here on PC!

Gentle hugs

HW

Wow...what a powerful message in that song...thank you

I know that song wasn't posted for me, but I just wanted to say that it was just what I needed to listen to tonight... and more.

Just listening to the song, it's beautiful. Thanks HeartWhispers.

Here reading you ((((( Silent Whisper ))))). Sorry I've not been too supportive lately. I just had an older part require a fair amount of our time and effort...some personal stuff to attend to.

Seems like sometimes we feel so exposed and other times we feel really invisible ((((( Silent Whisper ))))). It will be different someday but thankfully you have people here who understand.

We just have to go one day then the next and the next, hour by hour.

It is great your daughter is so curious about seeking what she might want to do and be in high school. Is there some way she can do a little job somewhere to help out with getting money for stuff if she chooses to be so curious, lol. I'm not sure how old kids are in high school there where you are. My daughter worked at the dreaded McD's for a short while and disliked is so much she found something else. She was 14 though.

Also, sometimes students who have moved on want to sell stuff for certain groups she may want to join, so that was a big help for us. Also, I was pretty grateful for the gently used clothing that we, well she, was able to find. It just happened to be in style, thankfully. I think it can still be a good place to check out. You should not have to do this alone (((( Silent Whisper )))).

My daughter is also 14. Thing is she is running herself into the ground. She often comes home, goes to bed, and doesn't get up until the next morning. She has not ate supper several nights this week. I really need to take her in for a check-up to see if the cyst on her brain is growing but we have no insurance and the hospital put a lein on our house from her last hospitalization. I appreciate your ideas and will look into that more.

I am so worried as I can already tell inside activity is increasing and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with it.

I need those hugs.

((((( SilentWhisper )))))

Yes, we eventually did lose the house through everything but on the bright side we no longer had the burden of it.

Thing is she needs to eat. Since the kids were so busy we intentionally insisted they take the banana and apple for after school projects and little yogurts. We especially purchased easily carried and opened things in order to 'keep it simple'... it was 'a no choice matter', they took it or weren't allowed to join in the groups or stay after school. The kids at that age do keep extraordinarily active. It seems the biggest characteristic of this age. You may not want to deny her this even with the cyst. I'd be surprised if you could restrict her. They do tend to burn out but if she eats at the group she is in then maybe supper is less important. Adjust and be flexible... what other choice do you have?!

My H. has a brain 'injury' so we know some of what you are up against.

We are listening...find some soft sounds and a quiet place for yourself S Whisper... find a place...even if you have to stay up late or get up earlier.

I am staying up a bit tonight...not doing the work I know I need to do. Right now I have this overwhelming urge to quit.

crying already today

I am sorry things are bad for you too. I wouldn't worry about your principal, if she has sent it to the wrong people or edited it in any way you will soon find out.

As for fooling people (your words, I would have chosen other words), I think you do really well. Holding down the very particular job you do teaching Autistic kids who are very particularly difficult to teach.

I've said this to you many times before, stop stressing and get extensions on utilities, & paythem an amount each pay day so you have more for what you need to do for the kids; just be organised and you will find that things will drop into place.

I really wish you luck with this, but I know you will manage well if you are able to calm your anxiety somehow and get with the program. I really do understand what is happening and there are ways of getting around problems like power bills and phone bills if you call the companies I'm sure they will be helpful,

Rhiannon

Reading you ((((( SilentWhisper ))))).

For some reason we needed to be awake later last evening, finishing a drawing and up early today. I love the quiet times but of course I can't do it on an ongoing basis everyday or I'd be a wreck.

Can I ever get better, yeah, its taking take time, can't always put the healing on hold. Where do ministers go for healing? The rational is you don't count, a book doesn't always make the difference not even a prayer cause sometimes it is a distraction rather than doing what needs to be done. That doesn't mean I don't read or pray. So, the Centre is firm, but we too are afraid at times, too. We need strength and safety, and lots, and lots of love (but not smulchy love, yech.)

(((silentwhisper)))
Thinking about you...

Thanks...I really appreciate your encouragement and praise. I appreciate your caring in spite of me...I love the kids but the secondary school system is driving me crazy.

today was ok and my students are really great but i feel i am fighting an uphill battle with admin...why do they trust me with precious students but not to spend the money set aside for my class????
and my own kids are just making me wonder where i have went wrong
and I am so frickn tired of bedbugs...we have paid thousands plus did all sorts of stuff they said to and still...i itch all the time...feel like trash

(((silent)))
thinking about you...
I hope things improve for you very soon.

i want to quit

(((((Silentwhisper)))))...listening and thinking of you. I am sorry things are so difficult for you. Many prayers and hugs for you...

I cannot stop crying. I am such a stupid failure. Spent money I did not have on entertainment tonight only to find out husband's car repair will now be an additional thousand so he is having to borrow money and I just cannot handle all this work and nothing to show for it. I am not so good with money but I don't want to hand it all over to hubby either so that I can never do things for myself yet I waste it while we have such great needs...like tp and rice and stuff. Sigh. I told hubby how I was feeling but he cannot handle me.

((((Silentwhisper))))

Reading and caring but so tired so will just say...coming alongside.

Working, saving, money going *poof*. I can relate!
((((( silentwhisper )))))

sending you more hugs silent!

i need the hugs and encouragement...i feel i am barely standing on my own two feet