[invisigirl]

last night during a conversation with a friend, apparently I ... switched. I was unaware until she said something later. and I had not told her anything about my *issues* until after it had happened.

this would be the first time, that i know of, that an alter has spoken up without me knowing. it was brief. i was sober. I guess my friend and I had been talking about sex (we often do.. have similar pasts, were both sa as kids, etc) and at some point my demeanor changed and I said very adamantly 'I hate sex.' I don't know if I said more than that or why I said it or what it was in response too.. but I have NO recollection of it happening. very disturbing to me.

i don't know what to do or how to feel. i have spent a lot of time looking for ways to convince myself that this isn't real. trying to find ways to explain it away. i'm running out of excuses.

yet still, there's one inside who tells me i'm a liar and a faker and an idiot. tells me i'm lying to myself. now tells me other people are lying to me.

i don't know if i will bring it up with T. i don't know if i'm ready for that.. part of me is scared, i suppose that she will agree with the one calling me a faker and i will look like and idiot. and part of me is scared that she will realize i'm not lying and then i will have a dx to deal with.

i was kind of just hoping it would all just go away..

[Bmee2]

Sweetie, no matter what you should ask your T what if you are a liar what does that mean? If I am not a liar what does that mean? What if you made everything up...then what?

Apparently, "we" go through the same questions and panic every now and then. i feel scared and crazy and panicky all at the same time. i feel very confused and distraught. Why we all do not remember going through it over and over is beyond my imagination or explanation. It will all go away i think, but it will come back, and your friend is not likely to forget. So then what? Take everything a part and deal with each thing separately: If you are a liar...can T help you change and stop? If you made everything up....how can T help you fix those made up stories/beliefs? In this way no matter what the outcome of the true answers you can handle it. Just take one step...one question at a time. AND REMEMBER TO BREATHE deeply and slowly.

Okay now you have my 2 cents worth of wisdom. As soon as i find my mind...i will give you three cents more.

[invisigirl]

thank you, bmee.

i may try to bring it up in T... i just don't know how. i always let her carry the conversation and mostly answer questions. if it goes in a direction that leads to me opening up about something, i do my best to go with it. but i don't generally bring up things to discuss.

still, i suppose when she asks me how i've been doing since our last visit, i could say something then...

i think part of why it seems so much easier for others to accept this about me and believe it is because 1) it makes sense and 2) it's not them dealing with it.

i don't know.

one says 'you're a liar!' but i say 'no, i'm not' - honestly, the one who calls me a liar sounds a lot like my parents. calling me a drama queen and saying i just want attention and all that bologna.

who do i trust?

[justdontknow]

invisigirl,

I encourage you to bring it up with your T. It sounds like you are on the verge of being brave enough to do so. I know that sometimes when I go to counseling and have a hard time speaking up, I write things down first before I go that way I have my agenda in front of me (after all I am the one who is paying and it's my dime so why can't I talk about the things I need to?). I usually let my counselor guide our sessions too, but if there is something really important I write it down and tell him that's what I need to work on. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell him out loud, so I write it down and have him read it and go from there. Usually he has questions for me and that leads into our session. I encourage you to write down your feelings about what is happening with you. Also make a record as to what went on. If you feel safe enough, share it with your T. I had a hard time coming to terms with my DID dx, but now that I accept it, it has made life easier. A dx is just a label that describes symptoms and for me it just gives my providers something to work with. I don't let it get to me and even though it is a part of my life, I still move on. My life is not defined by my dx (that's how I feel). Even though my dx is a huge part of my life right now, I have my own things to enjoy and be happy about. I don't even know if this is making any sense anymore, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and I hope you find some peace soon. Sending positive thoughts your way,

Cris from the hotel

[invisigirl]

that does make sense, Cris. thank you. I like the idea of writing down some notes and just giving them to her to let her bring them up in the session. i think that could work well for me.

[krazy_phoenix]

My T has a public email address. Between our visits, I can email her a topic or issue that is concerning me in the moment that can then be bought up next time we meet. The emails aren't in depth, just like a bullet point. This has worked well for us. What usually happens for us otherwise is that, for eg. during the week, Jenni might have had some big things come up but Ronnie is out during appt so Jenni's stuff doesn't get a mention leaving Jenni still upset/confused/etc. This way Jenni can email T about her issues, so T can mention it at appt and then it is weighed up against what Ronnie wants to talk about. Does that make sense?? Why is it so much harder to articulate in type??
I guess what I'm trying to say is, does your T have an email address that you could send her what you would like to discuss before you go so that you feel more comfortable?
kp

[invisigirl]

yes, that does make sense. that's a good idea.. I don't have any idea if my T has an email.. perhaps I will check with her when I go back.

[Bmee2]

no sure...but maybe i was too preachy...too pushy...too loud. So very sorry. did not mean to be offensive.

[invisigirl]

Originally Posted by Bmee2

no sure...but maybe i was too preachy...too pushy...too loud. So very sorry. did not mean to be offensive.

not at all, Bmee!!

we loves you.

[invisigirl]

realized today when talking to the friend I mentioned earlier... I can no longer DENY that there could be more than one of me... that is a strange thing to admit. I mean, before I might not have been able to deny it to myself, but at least I could deny it to others. you know? it feels a little strange... but it also feels kind of.... good. freeing.

hmmm..

[Hunny]

Invisgirl,

I know this feeling of 'freeing'. It is so strange to feel so free about it all and yet so 'good'. It makes me want more freedom. So, this is what it feels like to not hide, pretend, etc etc.

Well done Invis.