For the first time with T

I almost dissociated in T yesterday. I have been seeing her for 3 years and for the first time I almost dissociated right in front of her....something I have never wanted to do because I don't want to scare her.
She could tell I was starting to have a hard time staying "present" so she brought out a game that I like to play, but it wasn't helping.

I was starting to think about someone from my past that abused me and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I was playing the game, but wasn't totally there. I told her and she asked me what I needed to stay present, but I didn't know. She brought out her chocolate tea container that she always has in her office because it usually helps when I get anxious, but it didn't work.....I started slipping.

So....she held out her hands for the first time. I was hesitant to reach out and grab them, but I did. As soon as I did it was like a whoosh of feeling came over me. It was weird. I grabbed her hands really hard. She asked me about my safe place...the beach. I went there. We talked about the sites, smells and sounds. It brought me back and I felt so much better.

I have never been that far gone with her and it scared me. I don't know why it scared me so much, but it did. I didn't want her to see me like that. I know that she has dealt with DID and dissociation before, so it's nothing new to her, but it's different because it's ME.

Anyway, is anyone else afraid to dissociate in front of T or have you had a hard time doing in with T and what has your experience been like?

It sounds like you have a very nice T. and a good relationship with her.

I don't think I have control over when it happens.... that's what I hate the most.

I've been asked in the past in a session-- "FINS, where were you!?".... and then I get a sick feeling in my stomach....(the realization of no control-- like when your car is spinning on ice!)

I don't worry that I'll scare T. -- I worry how I appear to T. I hate it so much..... I don't like to talk about it....
but, since you asked - I thought I'd, just this once, allow others to see a bit of how it is for me. (now I will go hide again)

much inner peace to you

fins

Thank you for sharing that, fins. It helps to know that I am not alone and what others go through.
My T is very nice and caring. You are right, I think it is more about how I appear to T.
Don't hide. I like that you shared!

Ive never been afraid of dissociating during therapy. probably because I didnt know I was DID until after I was in therapy and my therapist saw me dissociate, which in turn is what made my therapist suggest psychiatric testing.

but once I was diagnosed and after my therapist, psychiatrist and I had been working on things for a few years and I was able to notice things, I became self conscious "after" I came back from where ever I went and alters popped out. it was like where do I put my hands now, what do I say, Im still sitting here so I know it wasnt the wanderer alter, shes looking at me what does she want me to say about this..LOL

eventually my therapist noticed the coming back in front of her was a bit un nerving for me so she would make excuses to leave the room or get busy so as to allow me to pull myself together. LOL

it took a while but I was eventually able to get past that initial coming back uncomfortableness and being self conscious about it.

i no self conscious any more cause between low blood sugar incidents, seizures because of low blood sugar, dissociating stop being a big deal. what is scary to me is not being able to get back....scared i going to slide down a hole and not ever be able to come back. But now that i think about it...that could be why eye contact is hard sometimes after some sessions...hmmm.

((((onlymedid))))

You are not alone. Many times when others have come out I am lost as to what has been said or done, even outside of ts office. When someone comes out and I come back I get these terrible headaches and that is how I know I have been gone. Nothing can stop them and they cannot be medicated either.

I am learning that it is okay to allow them to come out with t for the first time really. I have for a long time tried to be the one out even though at times they are and I do not know it. T wants to hear them and listen so I know that it is not a problem but it is hard when I come back and am lost as to what has happened or what has been said.

I find myself getting upset and uncertain when it happens, afraid of what may or may not have been said and if I even know about it. I too have that spinning feeling at times and it scares me. Sometimes I feel like I am falling to one side or not sitting straight up which also tells me that someone has either been out or is very close.

It is very hard for me to dissociate in front of t and to come back is even harder. Wondering what he is thinking and sometimes wondering what is taking place while I am away. Often I find myself crying and wanting to hide, scared to know what just happened.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone and not the only one who feels scared. Thank you for asking and sharing. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

I can empathize with you not wanting to change into an alter in front of your T. I am also scared of changing in front of my therapist. I don't want to feel as if I have lost control of my alters. I have changed once into my little girl. My T and her made an agreement to call her if I wanted to over-medicate, and she does. This keeps me safe from myself and my other alters. It was scary at first because I did not remember the original conversation between the two of them. I wondered why my T was calling at exactly the right time. My little girl has eventually shared the conversation with me. My T has also shared the conversation with me.

I know that you don't want to feel left out, especially not remembering the conversation. It's scary when someone else takes control, especially in front of someone as skilled as your T.

But if you really think about it, it might just be the safest place to change. Your T should be accepting of you and all of your alters.

Thanks everyone for sharing. It really helps to hear what everyone else is/has gone through. Maybe switching isn't such a bad thing with T.