[MissManic]

I say 'think' because I've never been diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms..and a rather 'real' second personality.

Her name is Selene, and I've found lately that she's taken up most of my life. I tried keeping a journal the other day, and I found that I was writing it as HER.

I have a couple of friends that I met online (safely), but I met them as Selene, so they aren't really my friends, they know me as HER. They are her friends, and I talk to them about things going on in her life that aren't even real! I am so messed up

But they are perfectly nice, kind people, so I keep talking to them as Selene, but I know I am just fooling myself because I don't have any real friends in MY life. But she does. She has lots of friends, and they all have names and personalities. She's popular, pretty, and happy.
She talks to me sometimes, in the mirror, she's usually mean..but she cares about me. It's hard to explain.

My closet is split halfway between her style and mine, I'm not sure which is which anymore.
I'm just so tired of being someone else. I don't want her in my head, but I can't do anything about it, I feel like I have no control, and I'm seeing myself from the outside, like a movie, all the time.

What can I do? My mom doesn't know anything about this, I'm only fourteen, and I'm homeschooled so I can't talk to a school counselor.
I avoid all social situations, so despite my mother's efforts to get me into groups so I can make friends, it never works out, and I know that's my own fault.

I tried last year, going back to school (after 3 years of homeschooling), but I was on the verge of crying the whole first day, and I couldn't bring myself to go back.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I blame myself, for all that's wrong with me, I just don't know how to fix it.

I want help, but I don't know how to get it. I only leave the house when I go to the grocery store with my mother, other than that I only leave the house every few months.

When I'm not Selene I feel like my life is empty and worthless. All I have then is books and music, and a lot of the time I will lose myself so completely in a story that when it is over I start to cry because it's not MY life.

I think I may have Bipolar Disorder too, I have constant violent mood swings, and I feel depressed a lot. I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I have self-harmed before..not recently, but I've thought about it.
But I don't have any of these thoughts or feelings when I am Selene.
I know I need help, but I don't think my parents could afford, or would even get me, therapy. I say afford because I'm not sure if their insurance covers that.

Anyway, that's all I have to say, thanks for listening No judgement, please

[Irine]

Of course no judgment! we are all here in the same boat. Nice to meet both you and Selene...

Can you tell me something: MissManic: when you are selene - are you concious? Do you remember what you are doing? or do you have these actions like making online friends only from later flash backs?

Everything you say about Selene really reminds me about Vinera....oh well....the dressing style....many other things...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by MissManic

I say 'think' because I've never been diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms..and a rather 'real' second personality.

Her name is Selene, and I've found lately that she's taken up most of my life. I tried keeping a journal the other day, and I found that I was writing it as HER.

I have a couple of friends that I met online (safely), but I met them as Selene, so they aren't really my friends, they know me as HER. They are her friends, and I talk to them about things going on in her life that aren't even real! I am so messed up

But they are perfectly nice, kind people, so I keep talking to them as Selene, but I know I am just fooling myself because I don't have any real friends in MY life. But she does. She has lots of friends, and they all have names and personalities. She's popular, pretty, and happy.
She talks to me sometimes, in the mirror, she's usually mean..but she cares about me. It's hard to explain.

My closet is split halfway between her style and mine, I'm not sure which is which anymore.
I'm just so tired of being someone else. I don't want her in my head, but I can't do anything about it, I feel like I have no control, and I'm seeing myself from the outside, like a movie, all the time.

What can I do? My mom doesn't know anything about this, I'm only fourteen, and I'm homeschooled so I can't talk to a school counselor.
I avoid all social situations, so despite my mother's efforts to get me into groups so I can make friends, it never works out, and I know that's my own fault.

I tried last year, going back to school (after 3 years of homeschooling), but I was on the verge of crying the whole first day, and I couldn't bring myself to go back.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I blame myself, for all that's wrong with me, I just don't know how to fix it.

I want help, but I don't know how to get it. I only leave the house when I go to the grocery store with my mother, other than that I only leave the house every few months.

When I'm not Selene I feel like my life is empty and worthless. All I have then is books and music, and a lot of the time I will lose myself so completely in a story that when it is over I start to cry because it's not MY life.

I think I may have Bipolar Disorder too, I have constant violent mood swings, and I feel depressed a lot. I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I have self-harmed before..not recently, but I've thought about it.
But I don't have any of these thoughts or feelings when I am Selene.
I know I need help, but I don't think my parents could afford, or would even get me, therapy. I say afford because I'm not sure if their insurance covers that.

Anyway, that's all I have to say, thanks for listening No judgement, please

fourteen is such a hard age sometimes and some of the problems teens have can mimic all kinds of mental disorders including dissociative disorders. the only way to know for sure what is going on and get the help you may need is by telling an adult what is going on and see your doctor. most doctors around here will see a teen ager without their parents in the exam room with them.

here at this website we cant diagnose you. but we can say what we think it may be and Im sorry going on just what you posted theres no way to narrow it down without your seeing a doctor. theres just too many things this could be.

my first suggestion is take it easy and dont just assume you have a mental disorder, it could be normal growing up things where consciously or unconsciously you are trying to define your identity (which is normal) or it could be any number of mental and physical health problems.

my second suggestion is get in to see your doctor. even home schooled kids need to see their doctors for all kinds of reasons.. physicals, growing pains, colds flus infections, medication follow ups, girl problems, boy related problems and many other reasons too.

go see your doctor and let them know whats going on. they will talk with your parents and work something out so that what ever this problem may be can be diagnosed and treated before it becomes worse.

[MissManic]

Thanks ladymacbethadmunsen When I am selene..I'm never conscious that I am her, such as when I wrote the journal, not until I read it again days later did I realize that it was written as her. With my online 'friends' I didn't realize that I had them until one of them sent me an email calling me Selene, and then it just got worse from there.
Sometimes people tell me that I did things that I don't remember doing, same with some of the things I say, or places I've been.
Such as my last birthday, it was in december, my mom asked me a few days ago if I liked the restaurant that we went to for my birthday and I had no recollection of celebrating my birthday at all :\
I aslo have no memories of my childhood before I was nine, but I don't know if that has anything to do with anything.
Thanks again for the support, it's good to know that someone understands

amandalouise- Please, please don't automatically attribute all this to my being a teenager. My mom does that and it kills me because everything I go through everyday cannot be pushed aside and blamed on 'teenage hormones'.

Just because we are younger doesn't mean we can't have the same problems as adults, it's just easier to ignore with teens because people have something to blame it on. That's not right. Someone could have a serious problem, a teen could be chronically depressed and their parents could blame their 'moodiness' on puberty. Until something serious happens and they try to commit suicide.

As with me, suicidal thoughts, having someone else inside my head, and constantly wanting to bring a blade to my skin are NOT normal "growing up things", they are serious problems that I have to suffer through everday, and they should be taken into account and not shoved aside with a flimsy excuse like everyone loves so much to do.
So please, don't tell me what I am feeling is "normal", this is the worst thing you could possibly say to me right now, it practically robs me of all hope that there is something better than this, and it is ridiculously ignorant of how I feel living like this. It oversimplifies everything and says "if others can deal, so can you."

I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed when I came here, I was looking for some support and understanding. And if I could see a doctor, I already would have, seeing as in my post I wrote that I want help, but I don't know how to get it. If I had a doctor, a way, and a reason to get there, I would have gone by now.

I appreciate your effort, truly I do, but I don't feel any the better for it. Thank you anyway,

MissManic

[invisigirl]

wow. I think you may have misunderstood amandalouise's post. I didn't read it as 'blaming it on being a teenager' at all. but rather saying 'it's not necessarily DID'. more of a 'not enough information'... but rather that these things you are sharing could be attributed to any number of 'mental or physical health problems'. health problems - whether mental or physical - are part of life but not necessarily 'normal'.

yes, identity establishment IS indeed something that is normal for a 14yo to be going through, but that's not a way of discounting what you have shared. it's merely another thing to factor in. she was merely pointing out that at 14 we don't have that well established sense of self that we are supposed to have as adults. does that make sense?

anyhow. I wish you the best in getting the help you need. if you really are serious about wanting help, then you do NEED to have a discussion with your parents. at your age, you don't really have access to help on your own. if your parents won't at least take you to see a doctor (and you CAN address mental health concerns with your regular doctor. they can refer you for psychiatric treatment), then you may need to talk to another family member or maybe try to get in touch with social services to see if they can help.

hang in there.

[MissManic]

I MAY have, that's so, but you don't know just as much as I do what she was trying to say. I read it differently than you because I can see it from a teen's point of view.
On another note, I never said that I was SURE I had DID, that's why I used words like "think", and "maybe".
But, if it is as you say and I may NOT have DID, then would you mind telling me what other mental health problems it could be? For I have no physical health issues at the moment. And I am quite sure that having a split personality has nothing to do with establishing an identity. I know who I am, and I know who she is - two, very different people.
It is a gross stereotype that all teens have no sense of self, or that their personalities are underdeveloped, or that everything they go through is "just a phase". It's not realistic, and it's not true for most teens. There are most likely an event amount of adults with no sense of self than there are teenagers.

I don't wish to be treated any differently here just because I am a teenager, or because I'm not diagnosed, and so far that's how it's been. And if that's how it's going to be, I'm afraid this place will be no help at all.

MissManic, I really do think you misread what amandalouise said. There's no need to be defensive. No one here is judging you.

When all of us were teens we questioned everything about ourselves. And we're not "blaming" it on you being a teen. We're saying that this COULD be what most teen's go through to some extent or another. It's perfectly natural for teens to have drastic changes in identity. Lord knows I did.

This doesn't discount or discredit your distress and questions. You COULD have a dissociative disorder, or any other number of things going on. I'd highly suggest going to your normal doctor and getting checked out. A huge variety of things can mimic dissociative disorders but not necessarily mean that you (or others experiencing the same symptoms) have such a severe disorder like DID. Not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough, not having a healthy lifestyle (exercise and nutrition), other physical neurological issues, and stress can all cause someone, and especially teens, to have psychological symptoms like this. It's not blaming it as a teen, but I think that people (I did when I was your age) don't like to look at the impact that puberty has on a persons mind. Hormones flying around in a persons body can do some crazy stuff, but that doesn't mean that anyone should ignore their symptoms. Definitely see a doctor to rule out physical issues, and try and see a psychologist. We can't diagnose you here, no one here is a professional...and even if we were, we can't diagnose you over the internet.

A person can have very distressing symptoms that need to be addressed by a psychologist without having a serious mental disorder. No one here is judging or attacking you, and I hope I've not come across that way. But you shouldn't discredit puberty and hormonal imbalances in your body, just as we shouldn't discredit your distressing experiences.

If you can't get in to see a psychologist right away, I'd suggest trying to start eating a very healthy diet, getting more exercise, and making sure you're getting plenty of fluids and sleep. Whether or not you have a disorder, you will find that those simple things will make you feel worlds better.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by MissManic

Thanks ladymacbethadmunsen When I am selene..I'm never conscious that I am her, such as when I wrote the journal, not until I read it again days later did I realize that it was written as her. With my online 'friends' I didn't realize that I had them until one of them sent me an email calling me Selene, and then it just got worse from there.
Sometimes people tell me that I did things that I don't remember doing, same with some of the things I say, or places I've been.
Such as my last birthday, it was in december, my mom asked me a few days ago if I liked the restaurant that we went to for my birthday and I had no recollection of celebrating my birthday at all :\
I aslo have no memories of my childhood before I was nine, but I don't know if that has anything to do with anything.
Thanks again for the support, it's good to know that someone understands

amandalouise- Please, please don't automatically attribute all this to my being a teenager. My mom does that and it kills me because everything I go through everyday cannot be pushed aside and blamed on 'teenage hormones'.

Just because we are younger doesn't mean we can't have the same problems as adults, it's just easier to ignore with teens because people have something to blame it on. That's not right. Someone could have a serious problem, a teen could be chronically depressed and their parents could blame their 'moodiness' on puberty. Until something serious happens and they try to commit suicide.

As with me, suicidal thoughts, having someone else inside my head, and constantly wanting to bring a blade to my skin are NOT normal "growing up things", they are serious problems that I have to suffer through everday, and they should be taken into account and not shoved aside with a flimsy excuse like everyone loves so much to do.
So please, don't tell me what I am feeling is "normal", this is the worst thing you could possibly say to me right now, it practically robs me of all hope that there is something better than this, and it is ridiculously ignorant of how I feel living like this. It oversimplifies everything and says "if others can deal, so can you."

I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed when I came here, I was looking for some support and understanding. And if I could see a doctor, I already would have, seeing as in my post I wrote that I want help, but I don't know how to get it. If I had a doctor, a way, and a reason to get there, I would have gone by now.

I appreciate your effort, truly I do, but I don't feel any the better for it. Thank you anyway,

MissManic

I meant it exactly the way invisigirl posted. I wasnt blaming it on your age. I was including your age. thats what we do here. we dont just assume someone has a mental disorder or isnt having age related things we keep in mind each others ages (if thats disclosed to us) because frequently age related problems mimic mental and physical health problems.

example if someone posts they are having hot flashes one or more of the replys to that person is going to be from members keeping in mind and considering the persons age because women of certain ages have hot flashes due to a medical issue called menapause.

keeping in mind your age when we post to you here is a curtesy not blaming or attacking, or dismissing something you right about.

you posted to invisigirl you are reading posts from your 14 yrs of age. well I was posting keeping in mind your age and remembering what its like to be 14, hormones out of whack, acne/pimples, peer pressure to fit in and all that. its down right hard to be a 14 yr old today.

listing what things it could be..I usually do list things it could be but I was taking into consideration your age by not posting a whole mess of things and you possibly getting frightened of those things on the list.

since you are asking for a list of things this could be here you go -

medication reactions (this includes prescription, over the counter, herbals, and illegals because everyone reacts differently to those things so theres a potential for those same symptoms that you posted about.)
depression
mood swings
schizophrenia with alter egos
dissociative disorders
cancer (some cancers mimic mental disorder symptoms that you posted)
bipolar disorder
role playing
chemical imbalances in the body
Avoidant personality disorder
antisocial personality disorder
borderline personality disorder
schizoid/schizotypical personality disorders
age related problems

if you google your symptoms you will find thousands and thousands of mental and physical health problems that can cause you to be depressed, suicidal and appear to have opposing moods/alters and ego states. the only way to know for sure what your problems are from is by contacting your doctor.

I read your other posts on this and you stated you dont see your doctor much but will talk to him about it. I think thats a good idea.

Miss Manic
I was fourteen a long time ago and I raised two daughters who are now older than you. If either of them had told me what you are saying here, I would have taken them to a doctor right away. Why won't your parents be open to listening to you and your needs?
When I was fourteen, I was a suicidal mess but nobody noticed. If I self injured, and my mother noticed the wound, all she'd do is threaten to "tell my father". Fat lot of good that did; it made me hide everything I felt cause I didn't want to get into trouble. I finally was able to speak to my primary doctor when I went for a physical. He got the ball rolling and like it or not, my parents had to agree to my seeing a psychiatrist.
I don't know your life , only what you told us here. You sound like it's very painful living like you do. Whatever is causing you to feel this bad deserves to be investigated. I really hope you can find a way to do that.

[Irine]

As far as i read about DID - if you have no recollection of many of your years, and events -especially having to do with this other person - there is a chance you can have DID or a any kind of dissociative disorder. This having no recollection - is a symptom.
i agree that it can be Borderline Personality Disorder too.

BTW what happened that all jump to defend amandalouise - and she herself - it is not miss manic but you who are getting defensive here...LOL...

[pegasus]

((((((((( MissManic )))))))))

Welcome to Psych Central. You are likely to get many views and opinions here which you can take or leave. I do believe Amanda was trying to help you and her advice to seek help from a Doctor is sound advice.

Full blown DID is rare and there are certain things you need to have gone through to reach that diagnosis. It's not a diagnosis that is taken lightly though some sort of dissociative disorder may be present, the spectrum of DD is far reaching.

The fact that you don't want to be you, that Selene seems to cope better with life than you do. The fact that you want to self harm and have done so in the past. The fact that you are very unhappy and unable to socialize, all means that you could do with some help. Yes.

Call a mental health help line, see your Doctor for some other reason and then speak to him/her privately. Please do it, because you really don't need to live your life this way.

We all want to help support you but you do need to seek in real life support.

[invisigirl]

goodness. no one is treating you differently here because of your age. but perhaps from your teenage perspective, you can't see that? I think it is a gross stereotype that simply because we are adults we must have NO idea where you're coming from.
calm down.

yes, of course it could be DID. but you know that already. but yes, there are other things it could be - bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder... no, they may not seem as likely (especially now that you have clarified some of your symptoms), but they are possible. my husband is bipolar and even he has described having alter egos that he will refer to by other names or nicknames. he also lacks a lot of memories from his childhood. but no, he does not have DID.

there is a reason that many people with DID are commonly misdiagnosed as having some of these other disorders before a diagnosis is reached - they all have a lot in common. it wouldn't hurt to take a look at the information about them and see if any of it relates to your situation. it may help you feel more sure of what your dealing with so that you are more able to accurately describe to a doctor what is going on and be able to reach a correct diagnosis sooner.

and for what it's worth, I do understand where you are coming from. I remember being 14 and it sucked. I was also suicidal at that age. and I ran away from home when I was 14. I also happened to be in therapy around that age, but since it was also family therapy it really did me no good because i did not feel comfortable opening up to a therapist that the rest of my family was talking with as well.

you may want to keep in mind when you do seek help that ALL doctors will have to take into account your age as they are trying to help figure out what is going on with you. just as they would for EVERYONE else. not just other teenagers. you might try to relax about that a little. even i have to wonder sometimes 'are these awful mood swings this week because of my mental health problems? or is my period almost here? maybe I just have PMS.' that's part of being a woman. keep in mind that your mental health and physical health are all intertwined. they're not always separate.

you might try keeping a symptom journal (if you don't already) and tracking things like mood swings, headaches, lost time... all those things. that would be very beneficial to you when you see a doctor.

take care.

[Irine]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

goodness. no one is treating you differently here because of your age. but perhaps from your teenage perspective, you can't see that? I think it is a gross stereotype that simply because we are adults we must have NO idea where you're coming from.
calm down.

I think its happening on both sides. What shows that is the fact you say it. That you feel the NEED TO SAY IT!
This is a good chance for us all to be aware of our projections. We all project this:

"They must think :"but perhaps from your teenage perspective, you can't see that? "

This means that you DO think that because of her age she cannot see something that you do see! So by saying this you just prove her words right. Not referring to them at all and not getting angry at all would be a way to convince her OTHERWISE - BUT - of course;

It is totally ok to get angry. It is totally ok to refer. I think that what happened here now is that this triggers these ego hurting points...

Teenagers feel that adults don`t respect them and adults feel that teenagers don`t respect them. The question is:

• Is that true?
  Or is this something from our past that turned into a default reaction?
  Or is it not true at all and one side imagines it....

I know i am responding to it because i feel this way too - but i am not responding JUST out of anger - to say that someone here not ok - i think that these conversations are a wonderful opportunity to expand the awareness of all sided included!

[invisigirl]

actually, I said it in sarcasm. she said to me that she is certain that she understood perfectly what amandalouise was saying and that I obviously could not because of the fact that she was hearing it from a 14yo perspective. even despite the fact that amandalouise came and said 'no, that is not what I meant.'

so she is consciously choosing to interpret things in a way they are not intended.

I don't think that she is actually unable to see that she is not being treated differently. in fact, I know that if she were to go and read some similar threads in this forum, she'd find that she is being treated the same as anyone else. and amandalouise has given nearly the same response to other people who have asked similar questions.

and perhaps you misinterpreted my sarcasm as anger, but I assure you I am not angry. I was simply trying to let her know that she was getting offended over nothing. amandalouise was not being disrespectful to her and was not discounting her due to her age.

miss manic obviously could use some help and some insight. but if she is going to fly off the handle over some perceived disrespect and disregard and be unwilling to accept that it may not have been intended that way, then how is she going to get any insight or help?

[invisigirl]

anyway. I think it is obvious that I am not adding anything constructive to the discussion. so I will leave it alone.

I wish you the best, miss manic.

[Callista]

Hey--I don't have personal experiences with DID, but I have studied psychology and I know that everything you can diagnose is the extreme end of a spectrum--not something completely off the norm. Mental illness an exaggeration of something that typical people experience too, only increased to the point where it interferes with your life, like sadness vs. depression or daydreaming vs. dissociative disorder. It is quite possible that you are one of the people who is in the gray area where things are starting to get into the "something to worry about" region--especially the way you sometimes don't remember things that happened to you. Things don't have to be extreme before you should get them checked out; and there are more mild cases of any given thing than severe cases--it's not a black and white thing where either it's there or not. It's actually a spectrum that blends pretty smoothly into the typical, and the borders are difficult to define.

What I do know for sure is that it would be very logical for you to ask for help. Your depression, mood swings, and self-injury are common teen problems; but just because it is common doesn't mean it will resolve on its own or that it should be ignored. It's also common to break a bone or get diabetes; but those things require medical attention, right? Same with this: Yes, lots of teens have these problems; but that has nothing to do with whether you have the right to ask for help--and you do have that right. And if it does turn out to be something like a dissociative disorder, you'll have started dealing with it early rather than having to deal with decades of established patterns.

[DancingAlone]

dear missmanic,

would just like to ask if you have checked out the top of this forum. there is a place for "teen alters garden", and also "sticky's" for information about d.i.d. i know it really helped me to read more about it and i could identify my experiences better when i understood more about things to look for, such as your saying you experience losing time, wearing different sets of clothes, or having friends you don't remember. i think you are very wise for wanting to learn more about dissociative disorders, and i hope you get the help you need.

i wish you well.