[constantdreamer]

I'm not sure where to start... Not exactly sure what to consider the beginning...
About a year ago I moved back to the town where my mom and step-dad live, the town I grew up in. I got my children away from their emotionally and verbally (at least, maybe more) abusive father. I wanted to save them from the cycle of abuse. I didn't want them to end up as broken as me. I have chronic depersonalization disorder from the PTSD of my childhood abuse. I've been abused, emotionally neglected, and/or abandoned by pretty much everyone in my life, especially by my family.
Anyways, I don't remember much of my abuse, much of it is still locked in my brain. I was doing pretty well, managing my dp and being hopeful that I would start to be able to heal my past when my kids were far enough along with their own healing that is... Then I met and started dating a pretty great guy in september, he made me feel safe enough that without remembering any more of my past, my emotions started flooding me. I was hanging on by a thread. He was that thread, and my emotional battery charger, which in hindsight wasn't good for either if us. He worked 70-80 hours a week between his 2 jobs and needed to do that to pay off debts. Then on February 13, he called and ended our relationship because he said I deserved someone who has more time to be able to hold me and comfort me. Noble, I know, but it still really sucks because now here I am alone with all this raw emotion and no one to hold or comfort me. Thanks for letting me vent.

[purple_fins]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

words are difficult for me today,(I'm sorry)
but I wanted you to know I heard you.

Please be kind to self and Welcome

fins

[beadlady29-old]

((((((constantdreamer))))))))
Thank you far shareing cd.! You are very brave to be able to. Beads also is sorry to hear that thinkigs so rough raf you rite now. Sounds kind of scarey t. Beads offer ta help you in anyway we can, wether it is just lissenign are whatever. Iffen you would ike a soft warm blanket to curl up in.......we is sending one your way over internet satellite stuffeds. Please kep posting. Sometimes, it helps just to get stuff ot of your system and vent a littel bit.
Hang in their,
mary & all of us beadies

[Jewels]

(((((((((( constantdreamer ))))))))))

i am so sorry things are so difficult right now...relationships are so hard to keep going, especially when you are in emotional hardship yourself...and especially when one of you works so much to pay off debt...yes, what he did sounds noble...but it makes me think he might have some difficulty in setting good boundaries himself and just felt like he had gotten in over his head...I'm not saying you are high maintenance...but with your emotional state he might not have had enough reserve to do you justice...

try to keep in mind that you are worth the time and effort...and you are NOT bad, nor are you the things that you had happen to you in your childhood. You are MORE than all of that. You deserve to be loved, cared for, looked after...you deserve it, not because you didn't get it when you were young, but because you are a human being and deserve it just like all the rest of us deserve it.

please don't stop coming here and talking about what you need...we may not be able to give real hugs, but we can show you that we do give you hugs, and can tell you that we care...and we can listen and tell you what we think...ultimately it is up to you to do what you need to do to keep YOU safe...and if we can help in any way, let us know...we would love to get to know you more...

Jewels

[Crew]

(((((constantdreamer)))))))

Hello and I to am sorry you are feeling empty... Other then my deep respect for you making it through moment by moment or day by day only to find pain in order to heal doesn't seem fair.
Just know that my thoughts and hopes are with you in your journey and that you aren't bad. The ones that are bad are those that hurt you! Somehow if we can just put all these horrible feelings back on those that hurt us. Something I learned back in the beginning of my healing from my abusive past is that IF those that have hurt you are bothering you and I mean the things that may be in your head and just can't shake the way I was treated. I know with me I couldn't get the shame and the guilt that took my childhood away. I slowly had to write it out however then I learned from my therapist that anything that is pulling me down in a negative way to do the opposite of what I feel I need to do to make pain go away. So I did the opposite with every negative feeling and I still do. I don't know if this is the way you feel or not, I do know it has taken me a bunch of years to put the shame back on my abusers.... My hopes and dreams of good things are not far from you, I hope you can feel it......................... Your friend, Crew

[constantdreamer]

Crew, It's funny you should be talking about shame right now... My T and I were talking about it last week... I realized it was really interesting about how I don't often feel shame about my decisions and/or choices in life... but I do when it comes to the abuse that SOMEONE ELSE chose to do TO ME (and especially for the residual complications still in my life... ie: insecurities, dp, PTSD, anxieties, the inability to work at this time, etc) ...I don't know why that is exactly... why I would feel shame for things I couldn't control, but rarely do for the things I can...

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((constantdreamer)))))))))))))))))))
hi. just a couple of thoughts to share. hope this helps yuo put stuff into perspective a bit.
in your last post on this thread, you talked about NOT feeling bad far things that happen mabe not so good when it is in your control, but feeling bad about it when they are not in your control instead.
and that mite be true far you., but....
it does not sound like you need to be feeling guilty about ANYTHING rite now.
in your first post on this thread, you talk about takeing some very difficult steps to provide for the welfare of yourself adn yuor children. and it soundslike you was successfull pretty well with carryign uot yuor decisoin.
then yuo meet someone that helped you to feel safe adn seemed responsibel enuf to care about takeing care of bills & stuff adn you trusted him.
none of that sounds like you are doing anything wrong, whether consiously ae unconsiuosly. you mite, however, be being pretty hard on yuorself tho, mabe way arder on yourself then you need to be.
and beleive yuo me, beads totally gets THAT part. because we is, according to old T, way harder on beads then anyone else is these days (acceopt one person that we not thinkign about rite now). so anyways, beads just wnated ta lewt yuo no that dotn thunkeds any of this your fault. it aint. cant control what choices other ppls. makes, etc....... all we can do is to have good, but reasonebel self-control adn make the soundest decisoins we no how to. so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeqaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssse, try adn give yourself a break. mavbe you adn your kids could go far a walk in the park together, pack a picnic lunch are anythign else you mite enjoy and just let go and have some fun. mabe it will help you o relax and you can start feel gooder.
you definitely are not walkign alone, their is lots of ppls. rite hear at pc that care includeign beads and try help any way can.
hang in their, and please keep posting
all of us beadies