[vickielholt]

i was really hoping just coming here and feeling accepted instead of being called a freak would help me put myself back together but obviously that didnt happen not sure what time but i dissociated for several hours before bedtime i got up half an hour ago and was gonna do some reading when i found an email to my therapist and it wasnt from me i had to stop reading because i became overwhelmed with a flood of emotions its like a part of me just cant shut the hell up im not ready to talk about or deal with certain things yet that doesnt seem to matter to this alter she is cruel and mean very uncaring and unkind to damn near everyone she has her own friends and will get confrontational with anyone male or female she sees everyone as a threat and doesnt trust even herself i believe altho im sure she would argue that she has her own name away from mine i dont like her and want her out of me but i know thats not even possible anyway she emails the therapist when she is in control i dont like that he has me email him in between sessions so he knows whats going on with me when not with him at times i dont even leave my house but a part of me loves outdoors and when i think i jave full tank of gas im setting on e not sure if im making sense but its getting to the point i hate to feel sleepy because if i close my eyes i may go away and someone else takes over and does things later i have to deal with im sure im not making sense and for that i apologize

[Hunny]

vickielholt

No need to apologize. It is really hard sometimes. You need to give yourself/ves time. Working together will eventually help. Have you found some way to calm? Find safe, calming ways for you. Sometimes a really nice cup of tea helps me, or cold water. Sometimes holding something comforting or if I'm up and about something like preparing a meal, taking out the garbage, looking out the window, just ordinary things. What do you think may help you?

[vickielholt]

thank u i can sit for hours staring out the window no tv radio no noise i can lay in bed the same way but the voices in my head are never quiet like today for example i been staring out the window at the rain wishing somehow i could just stand in the middle of the storm and get struck by lightning only in hopes it would fry my brain and i wouldnt hear another voice again it just feels hopeless i love to cook but half the time i wont even eat and if i do eat i want to binge then purge i hate myself so much and yet feel powerless to change it because i have to many living inside me i cant fix

[krazy_phoenix]

So sorry you are hurting Vickie.

I have read some of your other posts here on the DD forum too.

Acceptance has been the hardest part for me thus far, as to accept my diagnosis was a double edged sword. It was good on one hand as it explained the previous misnomers of my life and gave me my first real opportunity for healing after 20+ years in the mental health system, but definitely so not good on the other as there is much more to 'accept' than just a diagnosis when faced with DID.

Now, as part of my healing journey with my T's, I am doing DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and acceptance work is part of that. I just wanted to share this bit with you and if you have heard it before, then to offer you a reminder, in the hope it may help somewhat as I found it to help to start to chip away at the denial walls for me...

- You have to make an inner COMMITMENT to accept.
- The COMMITMENT to accept does not itself equal acceptance. It just turns you toward the path. But it is the first step.
- You have to turn your mind to acceptance OVER and OVER and OVER again. Somtimes, you have to make the commitment many times in a the space of a few minutes.

The last one helped me enormously as I thought it was just me that was too stupid to even hold the thought of acceptance in my mind long enough to make any real changes or to finally get on the healing train. Accepting 'all' of me (which, mind you, I still have days where I am back to COMMITTING to accept) has definitely helped us finally move forward.

We have energies that we do not like, are scared of, wish weren't there, all for various reasons but I found with accepting them, their power over me and their ability to rock me wasn't as great. It also opened the path to possible communication channels. This, of course, is just my experience. Please be sure to work with your therapist and discuss with him how you are feeling about reading emails to him that aren't 'your's' and how much impact this part is having on you.

Keep posting, we are listening...

kp

[vickielholt]

thank u so much (((((krazy phoenix)))))) no i have not heard that before and im going to ask my therapist to help me start working on this maybe it will make all the difference in the world and i can start accepting all of "me" for who who i am and who they are living inside me also.