[vickielholt]

i know that i am relatively new here i havent done much to my profile and probably thought of as a lurker since i joined in Jan and couldnt get the nerve up to post until a few days ago. i dont want to be triggering to anyone (i actually had to read up to figure that out) but i was diagnosed with D.I.D years before i had my daughter. i was told because of the sexual abuse i suffered that carrying a child would be really hard for me. that actually ended my marriage coupled with the fact i hated being touched had flashbacks and the ex husband had a hard time dealing with the fact that my father sexually abused me from the age of 4 (that i actually remember) until i left home at 18. he said he couldnt get past knowing what happened so within a year of him finding all this out he couldnt take the strain and stress and did the only thing he knew to do and that was leave. that was 10 years ago and i never remarried. i have an aversion to sex and well one of my alters is bisexual. i wanted to have a child but couldnt bring myself to do the "deed" it was to repulsive to me and i cant stand being touched so that has always been a problem. my bad girl part inside doesnt give a hoot about much of anything. she hates men but was willing i guess you could say to do what i couldnt. im sure im not making sense but i have to get this out because its driving me nuts. i cant talk to people about this and noone around me knows that i have D.I.D they all just think im super depressed and then crazy as hell when im acting unlike myself (im agoraphobic i dont like to socialize and i dont have very many friends in fact i can count on one hand how many people i actually talk to and not on a regular basis im quite isolated) when i brought up mental illness with my family they are all so super religious that they swore i was just demon possessed and tried to cast them out of us. im not sure i will ever get over what they did to us and i know those inside me wont either but that is another stupid story of our life. wow this is harder than i thought to get out ok try again........... the part of me that likes to party and can be social if she chooses to be she likes to be called Vic. she is very aggressive and bullies if she can get away with it. she doesnt like to be touched either unless she initiates it (which is something i cant even do) i hate her for the most part but am appreciative for what she did for me. i was spending time in and out of mental hospital for suicide attempts and the only thing that i wanted or felt i could love or love me was a child. i knew it would be impossible for me to carry a baby and i couldnt afford to pay for a donor at a clinic so i resided to the fact i would be childless because letting a man do those things to me would just make me sick and i end up trying to kill myself again. a few weeks after getting out of the hospital i dissociated for several days which wasnt uncommon back then because of the drugs and alcohol Vic enjoyed i could disappear and not have to be around that mess anyways i dont know how but she managed to talk a friend into doing the deed with her until she became pregnant. a couple months after that i started getting sick and staying sick to the point i had to go to the hospital it was then i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. i couldnt tell them when i had last had sex or any of the details they wanted i was so overwhelmed and for the first time i believe in my life i thought i felt what happiness was. i went back into therapy and tried very hard not to be stupid in any way to protect the child growing inside of me. for several months its sad to say i wasnt sure who the father was until one day he showed up at my house. he said i havent seen you in a while and i was curious if you got what you wanted and now im no use to you. i met my daughters father and knew immediately i didnt want him to be a part of her life. i didnt lie to him but told him i had changed and didnt do the things i used to do. he would come around and try to be friendly but our lifestyles were very different. he smokes i hate the smell of smoke and he really wanted Vic and i just wasnt her. during my pregnancy i went to therapy 2 times a week and wasnt dissociating that much at all from what i could gather from the therapist Vic didnt want any part of it but felt she had to do what she did in order for survival if i kept on with the suicide attempts she would die right along with me. thats why i said eventho i hate that part of me at least even if it was selfish she gave me a gift of life that i couldnt achieve on my own. during my 2nd trimester the mother (my mom) died from a brain anurysm we had so many unresolved issues that her death left me with more questions and open wounds than any closure. it was at her death that i started dissociating again and Vic was stupid a couple times by drinking but stopped when she realized i would kill myself and her before i allow her to hurt the child growing inside of us. she pretty much stayed gone until after the birth then it became a constant battle between us (the other 3 inside dont care either way) to do the right thing. i know this is long and i will just end it there because im becoming quite anxious and exhausted from trying to keep Vic controlled. she doesnt like that i talk about her or that i say she does things im not proud of in fact she hates me as much as i hate her. i guess i said all that in order to ask this has anyone else had this happen to them? when i had my daughter i wanted to be a whole person but that hasnt happened. its a constant struggle with the others inside to stay in control and i have to say i fail miserably. has anyone else became pregnant during an altered state and how do you and the alter feel about the child. i know that i wasnt there when my child was created but to me she is everything my life my all but for Vic she is just called the kid and she has no attachment whatsoever but does try when she is out to be sortof decent like she feeds her things that i normally wouldnt give her (in a way its a treat for my lil girl cuz i dont give in on junk food or boxed food) Vic wont hold her but will hug her if she wants a hug and plays with her i guess its just not in that part of me's nature to be maternal. i hope i just havent made myself sound like a worthless piece of trash and bad mother. i promise my child is very well taken care of maybe i shouldnt have asked the question but its eating me up inside wondering if im the only one with this experience - sorry its so long i ramble when nervous and trying not to be

[(JD)]

Hi there. Before I begin to reply, please know that there is a tigger icon that you can use (should use) when posting graphic details. Also, if you can put your post into paragraphs of thought, it will be easier to read and to reply to.

Now, welcome to all of you!
Glad you were able to release all that information. This is a pretty safe place, as I guess you realize.

Are you still in therapy? I would suggest if not, that you seek out someone who is trained in trauma work and perhaps DID expressly.

Do you journal? One of the key items to help with a system--one especially that has conflicting parts--is to provide one place for everyone to express their thoughts. Something where some can write and others can draw or doodle. Building communication is one of the first things in finding out what makes you upset or happy. Having it in one place for any one who is out to read is good.

Much of what you state is common for those having suffered abuse. I'm so sorry that you had these experiences. With regards to the mother...one way to look at that is that NOW she knows what she did to you (or allowed to be done) and how you are still suffering, and you don't have to feel slighted in that you didn't get to confront her (which rarely goes well anyway.) She knows it all ...and can't give any excuses.

I hope you'll continue to share here, and be able to let PC help you heal. (((safe hug)))

[Can't Stop Crying]

Welcome to PC. I'm glad you posted. Keep getting those thoughts and feelings out.
You are in my thoughts!

[vickielholt]

thanks to you both - i will work on figuring this site out and how to properly post i didnt know i needed to do those things like pargagraphs and just figuring out how to not post triggering things etc...... sorry for the confusion and problem with my post

yes i am still in therapy been working with the same one for quite awhile now and he is great with D.I.D very experienced he worked in England before coming to the U.S.

no i havent been journaling where other parts can have access to this - that is a really great idea thank you

i hope im doing this paragraph thing right anyway i dont mean to post stuff that is offensive or graphic i just had a question and feel very alone with it and wanted to know if im the only one this has happened to. still figuring this site as well as "us" out sorry for any confusion and i will work on the posting thing before i post more about who we are

[Omers]

I am DID and have a son that I adopted... I adopted... not all of us. I have parts that really resent him and all the attention he takes from the system. He is 12 tomorrow and very smart. I have to be careful because he knows how to switch me to get what he wants... Like candy that he usually doesn't get.
Doesn't make you a bad mom just a mom with more challenges.

[Hunny]

Vickielholt, although I did not read your post here it is just because at times I am not able to read triggery stuff and so I protect myself by reading where I am able depending at where I'm at personally. The trigger icon or in your case the words warned me that it was about to be a possible trigger for me.

You are doing really well here on PC, so far. You will find lots of other helpful skills and tools and some really lovely people.

It was my first foray into sharing my life outside of my therapist's office and for the most part has been a valuable experience. Here is hoping you find some comfort too.

Don't worry too much about making the paragraphs' at first' because in our case some parts do not have much knowledge of how grammer works or how to even type.

[vickielholt]

thank u so much that makes me feel better knowing im not a "bad" mom because i have a dissociative identity disorder. my daughter is starting to figure "me" out also she will be 6 in april. i fight dissociating as much as i can but it still happens. at times she calls me mom and other times she calls me by a dissociative name which is Vic. people find that confusing when they hear and ask why do i let her call me anything other than mom and out of embarrassment because i know they wont understand i just say i think its cute and it works for us.

thank u also for the encouragement about posting and trying to do it correctly. the last thing i want to do is trigger or hurt someone by what comes from "us" im trying not to have any dissociative typing while on this site because i dont want to confuse anyone so i just do it as fast as i can so noone else comes out and wants to play.

im still trying to get used to letting them have their time. i spent so much energy on not accepting who i was and that means all of me "us". i am aware of the different aspects of myself and yet at times i still want them to go away. i guess acceptance is something im still struggling with.

hope i did this correctly and am making sense.

gosh it feels kindof nice knowing im not the only parent with D.I.D and that it doesnt make me a horrible person/mother. thank u all for that u dont know what it means to me and eventually to "us"

[krazy_phoenix]

Hello Vickie, and welcome to PC.

Firstly, you are SOOOOOOO NOT ALONE!!!! I can relate, in one way or another to nearly every part that you wrote about, and I know of others here on PC who could possibly also. Of course, my experiences differ to yours, but if experiences were put as 'subject headings', then at the surface our experiences would look very similar.

I have found PC to be invaluable. There are such amazing, thoughtful, caring, insightful ppl here that are so willing to share their knowledge, experiences and heart. One of the things that PC gave me (the DD Forum specifically) was the language in order to communicate better about myself and my energies (our name for parts), words like 'system', 'host' and 'core' etc. The biggest thing it has given me is the knowledge that all DID people have their own individual style/set-up/type/etc of internal system of alters and that there is no right or wrong way of being DID. I am accepted here for the way I am, and I accept all others here for the way they are.

If you are new to forum-style web sites, my only comment is that responses are not immediate. I remember I would check almost hourly when I first started posting (after a time of 'lurking' ) anxiously waiting for a connection with another human being so that I wouldn't feel so alone. Patience is needed, and for me I have made it into a good practice for those times when I am in crisis, to know that I need to breathe and be patient, get what I need out of my head and when I wake up tomorrow, chances are someone has sent me a hug and let me know that I have been heard and understood. And sometimes that is all I need, is to be heard and understood.

I want you to know that I hear you, I hear your pain, your angst, your isolation and your confusion. I too am a mum with DID. I have three children, my boy just turned 5, and I have two daughters, 2yo and 10mths. I am our system's current host and mother to the 10mth old. I consider myself a specially appointed guardian of the older two children as they are 'not mine'. We are many, and regardless of how we feel about the children and what degree of attachment or not we have with them, we all answer to mum (we all accept that they are in our lives and depend on us). Am I a bad mum? My children are loved and wanted (by many of us, but also by their father and extended family), clean, fed, clothed, and healthy. Yes, they have challenges at home that most other children don't have, but I do my darndest to seek help from every available direction to make sure they (and me) are safe. I am not a perfect mum, but I would do ANYTHING for my children to protect them. They will never suffer like I did. Just because we have mental health challenges, doesn't make us lesser parents.

I hope you are feeling a little less alone knowing that there are other DID mum's out there who are facing similar challenges to you, with SI and much more. Please feel free to PM me (private message) any time. If you look in my profile at my past posts and threads, you may find some info there useful that are parenting related?

I look forward to seeing you more here and getting to know all of you better.

kp

[vickielholt]

((((((krazy pheonix))))) thank u thank u thank u so much for posting. i have found this place understanding and accepting. i "we" dont feel so alone and im hoping in time i will learn better coping skills than i have now.

my lil girl is very important and i want her to have a secure life unlike i had. i will look thru things like u said im sure theres lots i can learn from ur posts and other posts here. i do like this place and i hope one day i can be an asset also

[complic8d]

Welcome vickielholt!
I am diagnosed with DD-NOS and have parts, although I do not lose time. I have 2 children, 15 and 17. I believe parenting can be a challenge, but also that my kids have grown up with a mother that is very attuned to their needs and feelings. I have a hard time with boundaries, and yes, my kids have used my issues to their advantage, parts of me can be talked into things that a "real mom" might not allow. I know it has been hard for them, as well as confusing and scary. I have been hospitalized many times. I love my kids very much and they are the reason that I am still around. I have found, especially as they got older, that being open and honest has been beneficial. I would suggest a book called "My Mom Is Different", you can find it online at sidran.org (under resources maybe?). It is really good at explaining DID, PTSD in an manner appropriate for children. It sure made me feel better about being different!

This site has been invaluable to me, the hosted chats have very compassionate and understanding peers who have helped me through some of my difficult times. I hope you find the same kind of help and comfort.

[vickielholt]

thank u so very very much (((((complic8td))))) i will do my best to find this book and read it as soon as i can and you are right this site has become a place i feel safe to be who "we" are without prejudice and judments. knowing that others here understand to a certain degree (because we are different and thats ok) what i "we" are dealing with has made it easier for me to see im not a bad parent because i am different than normal parents raising children without having others living inside their bodies. you have no idea what your support and the support of others has done for this bama gurl. thank u again for posting and for the book info it is greatly appreciated