Healing is such a strange thing

thats ok. your pointing things out made me look at all the things I have accomplished. Thank you. Take care

<font color="blue">It has been quite a journey for you (((((myself)))) I agree that progress or healing is not necessarily integration for everyone with DID. I also agree with sleeps that long paragraphs are difficult to read.

Each person's journey (and each part of each person) takes a different path. Though some things will be similar, none will be exactly the same. I think your sharing your path helps others here, who are ready (maybe even only a part of someone is ready) to find what works for them, too!

You share good stuff... I hope in the future there will be more breaks in your paragraphs so others, here at PC, can also follow along! TC

LOL Yea I do get long winded don't I. Thats one of the problems I am having with my blog I get writing and forget it logs a person out automatically after a bit so I end up losing my entries. I will try to take more breaks in my posting or shorten then more.

Yes I know everyones journey is a bit different. That is why I make sure people know when they ask for my information I tell them its my opinion and research and my 25 years of therapy that way they know I''m not a therapist and they can use my information or not. its their choice.

If they are not ready then they shouldnt be asking me these questions or they should be taking care of themselves when they recieve an answer they don't like.

Its not my job to say "Im sorry I can't answer your question because someone else on the site isnt ready for my answer to your questions" to someone who is ready for what I post. I answer the questions as they come and post about me.

I hope someday those that aren't ready will understand Im not a caretaker to anyone but me and my son. I can't take care of the world and me too. I can help and share my information, therapy and so on with those that are ready and so thats what I do.

Thank you for the compliment. I love your posts too.

(((((myself)))) For sure! Thanks for the paragraph breaks - makes it so much easier to read!.

Healing is strange, isn't it? I found it interesting that your process of healing seems so systematic, and guess perhaps your whole life might be quite orderly. Taking your level of healing into account, I wonder how it was that each of your "parts" were organized to respond in reverse chronological order... or did it happen to be that each part only handled one time period, with none being active all along your life?

This is amazing (interesting), to me.. as my experience with those with DID usually have different parts sharing various "memories' that come from all along the (body's) timeline.

I have sensed some struggle still as you go along your journey... let me know if there is something with which I might be able to assist you.. TC

My healing journey is systematic because my therapist and I made it that way. Back in 2001 when my son went into foster care the first time and my therapist at that time started putting together that I had DID I disclosed to her I had been diagnosed with it but never worked on it.

At that point I didn't believe I was that. I knew I fit the symptoms and been daignosed with testing but covered like hell so that noone would put me back into the hospital. By the time I went through the testing I had been hospitalized 3 times and had been raped in there the third commitment. There was no way I was going back and there was no way I wanted the DHS child protective services to find out that I had this. They never would have given me my son back. My lawyer at that time later confirmed that we were NOT to disclose my DID. My present lawyer says it ok for it to be disclosed now and I think did so. at this point it can't do anything to the case. my son is in residentail most likely until he turns 18 because of his violent behavior.

So while I was researching it so that I could hide it better for if my therapist picked up on it within 6 months of seeing her then DHS would soon be on to it. My therapist in the meantime was asking area professionals in the field of DID and researching outside the area for books and professionals to find out what to do for me and at the same time not draw DHS attention to our work.

She was told first to start with acceptance and being honest about what I had. I had seen the movie Sybil and that scared the you know what out of me. There was no way I was going to be a Sybil. I was working on things to prove to her I didn't have this.

So the first thing my therapist had to do was get me past the denial stage and fast. I had been in the denial stage for about 12 years.DHS had already required me to go through a comprehensive Psycholgical Evaluation. I managed to hide my DID by shear luck - the MMPI does not test for DID. so any DID symptoms I had got scattered around into all the other areas and was helped by my lying on eval (the validity scales picked up on the fact that I wasn't being honest but didn't know why because on purpose I was not being consistant in any area) we had just gotten a new caseworker who was what I call the wicked b..... of the west. any time anyone on my side of the case challenged her about her accusations and behavior towards me she brought up my medication may need adjusting and new psych eval threats.

So my therapist knew we didnt have time for pussyfooting around. So she was looking for things that would do get me out of denial. but I beat her to it.

One day I looked at her and told her everything I was finding in every area was proving I had it and I started to cry because I thought I was going to lose my son cause I was a sybil.

She sat down with me and explained my DID just like she was told to not in terms of sybil flesh and blood alters taking over my body that the media likes to portray the disorder as but in the true psych world terms of I had pieces of memories, they were called alternate personalities and that the memories had been separated and I was rerunning those memory pieces and we needed to know how to take care of them.

She told me about contacting people in the field of DID and they said The first step was communication, then getting them to work together and fit together. No major scarey hospitals and meds we were going to do it together and one step at a time.

Then told me that I had already been working on it with my research for flashbacks and so on. She pulled out my journal entries I had given her and pointed to where the writings had changed and said thats communication. no big scary force them to leave or sybil actions The only thing I needed to add to my journalling, drawing and crafts that I was already doing for depression flashbasks and so on was to start listening to the static and see if I can hear any words. those words were my auditory memories. Something in the here and now was making them replay. if I listened to them I will know how to take care of myself for whatever is happening now.

She gave me a book she had found called Amongst Ourselves I told her I would read it. I ended up doing some of it. this lead to my buying a copy and writing to the authors for more information. I love this book. It focuses on the positive not the negative scarey uncontrolable sybil.

In this book DID was controlable. It had activites that showed how the parts worked together to make who I was - a creative special person who can accomplish anything I set out to do. Having this didn't mean my life and I had to be out of control doing things that I couldnt control. DID was controlable and I had to be the one to work on it.

From then on my therapist and I worked on researching and finding workbooks in every area possible and we created activites that would stimulate all my senses at once while keeping me grounded in reality.

Since I am an amnesiac DID I couldn't do one of the activities alone - charting the memory pieces. So I created a chart listing as many things as I could that could be filled in by my therapist that would give me information about my memry pieces. What I liked and didnt like while experiencing one, favorite food, activities. When ever I was triggered into one my therapist she would get that information. and then later a friend joined in on helping me with my therapy projects. If I knew the memory was there by way of pictures and writings she varified the information I told her. If I didn't know the memory was there she did not tell me about them. When I asked her about this she said she had been told finding the memory pieces had to come from me naturally not by her telling me them.

I had a son to get home so I wanted to barrel on through and be done, My therapist allowed me to barrel on through my research and activites but she got LOTS of practice in slowing me down so that I would take much needed breaks from my studying, research and working the workbooks and projects I we came up with.

with a family of 12 children you have to be organized . Meals were on schedule, set routines of homework right after school. each child had their chore or and or sibling to take care of and so on so yea my life was organized by my parents and the oldest child in the house. my present life has to be organized. I have cerebral palsy on item out of place and on the floor leads to sprains and broken bones should I trip over or step on it. With having a child and being a single parent I couldn't hel;p but live organized so that he was taken care of. I live by lists and calendars so that I don't loose track of what I am supposed to do and what day it is. When my son went into foster care the first time I had to prove that I was a stable and organized parent to get him back and so I did that. I also have a health problem that requires constant a diet plan so out of necessity for my sons and my welfare I have no choice but to be organized. basically if I didn't get in control and organized I would have lost my son back in 2001-2002. I proved I could be an organized and better parent and he was returned to me. His violence is what is keeping him away from me now. they say he is a threat to me and my cat so regardless of the fact that I have things well in controol he cannot be returned to me a second time and after seeing his files I agress, he is too unpredictable (suicidal and assaulting peers, adults and animals) to come home now. Be it from some disorder they have yet to figure out or teenage rebellion I cannot petition to have him brought home as he is right now. Because I now know he won't be coming home to live some of my organizational priorities have been pushed aside. But some things are still a necessity to keep organized for my health and welbeing.

I don't know what order they showed up in as in revieled themselves.

I know they were created chronologicallly because a person cannot be abused at age 16 first and then go back in time so that the second abuse situation happens at age 5. (As far as I know no one created time travel. yet. Sorry being sarcastic, tired.)

This means The younger the memory piece the closer the person is to the first (core memory) eppisode of abuse.

That is what I was trying to explain. I was not saying my memory pieces were created in reverse order. people were asking me about "core memories" so that concept was what I was trying to explain.

At one point I thought that my core memory was mary at 16 but from drawings I know a 16 year old doesnt scribble and when in the mary memory piece I draw fantastically.

now I know I was probably 5. but that doesnt account for people saying I was crying and sucking my thumb, my mom says I was done sucking my thumb before kindergarten.

So that makes my first (core memory) abuse situation may have happened younger. This is what I was trying to get across.

I also know the more painful and deeper (longer amount of time burried) memories are found only after the easier abuse situations are found. This has been told to me by every therapist I have seen every time I go through a set of flashbacks and I ask why this one is worse than the ones I used to have.

Im told the brain only releases what the person is ready to handle and like with everything else in life it goes easiest to hardest.

The things a person learns may seem hard at the moment but it isn't as hard as the next level be it games, classes in school, the job market and learning the ropes of that job everything in life works that way and my memories are no different. That was the concept I was explaining.

Lately I have been asked alot of questions about what a core memory is and what a core person was. so I have been trying to answer everyones questions. I can't remember (kind of out of it right now from lack of sllep) if you were one that asked so what I can figure out is that

the "core memory" is the first abuse situation. Everything I find says this is because a person cant be abused first at an older age and then a second time at the younger age the youngest remembered age is considered the core memory until another memory is discovered if there is one.

The "core person" is the biological born person because a memory isnt a person.

So to put that in the frame of me - I am the core person and my youngest piece of memory is te core memory.

Now as to when my memory pieces started rerunning and revieled themselves. That I don't know. I didn't start paying attention to the static, voices, drawings and writings until I was 37-38. by then drawings and so on were just a part an annoyance that I threw away daily. I have always lost time so I can assume they have always been rerunning..

Now there are some I can put on a time line because I know their agesmary is 16 so that memory ahs been rerunning suince I was 16. I have "me" , "Myself" and "I" which at times reruns not using a specific age. Any drawings done while in those memory pieces have placed them together so I can make an educated guess that they were created at around the same time.

What I do know is that the drawings and so on are becoming more graphic and so on than the ones I have already seen, and since things go easiest to hardest and longer burried most likely younger I know that these come from memories younger than 16 (mary)

I also know from researching that memory recall of the unconscious happens with triggers so that means my memries have been rerunning as they get activated when I experience a trigger. this happens by the brain automatically matching the trigger to the memories stored in my brain

so for example if I get triggered by someone making me feel angry about something the margo memory reruns,

If I get triggered by feeling like I cant draw or do houework right or Im going to screw up a meeting the Mary memories rerun

so running with this concept that means theres no time continuum it just when I get triggered. So finding the memory finds the trigger which leads me to what I need to do so that I don't get triggered and react by rerunning the memory.

Yea there are some struggles.. Thats nothing new to me But I call them challenges.

To me when I think of the word struggles I see someone just barely hanging on, ready to collapse any second.

Whereas when I think of the word challenges I see that there is ALWAYS a key somewhere to fit in the door and that key can be quite elusive.

It is up to the searcher as to how hard and long they choose to look for that key and decide after they find it if they are going to use it.

I know the challenge behind the door and have found the key and plans are all set to use that key.

The problem is that I pretty much know what to expect as to the after effects of using that key. the solid ground that I am standing on most likely will get very rocky and unstable while the solutions fall into place and quite possibly for a bit after.

I know that I am stronger than I have ever been before so strength is in my favor but that doesn't untie the knots keeping me just barely away from unlocking the door.

I have a feeling that I am going to just have to close my eyes, and barrel on through that door and hope the key goes into the lock smoothly so that I don't crash/slam against a solid door.

My therapsit brought up the challenge topic this afternoon (well yesterday seeing its after nidnight) but anyway I couldnt say a word, the static in my head got louder and I froze. I haven't had a brain freeze with this therapist in ages.

I knew there was a possibility of my freezing up so a week or two ago I wrote a note finally disclosing the key and the pland on how to use it. That way if I froze she knew the key and plans.

So she followed through and took the lead by bringing up the challenge, I froze and she tried and I grew ice cycles.

The winner of Round One - Jack frost.

We'll get there... I just need to find the rightsized microwave.

((((((((((myself)))))))))))) Thank you so much for sharing this. This explains so much. I want to write more but I'm out the door, I will respond later. I just wanted to say thank you.

(((((((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))))))) Thanks. see you soon.

Oh that's fine.. to call them challenges... some ppl call them "opportunities for growth"... they are struggles to me... but I don't see them as being barely hanging on issues... not the issues but sometimes me! hehehe

I'm sure having a brain freeze at this point in your healing could be "shocking" or "upsetting" even... but of course you know that it is another level of discovery. It can be scarey also, as this may open up a whole new area of memories and challenges that you had no idea were there. I hope not, but it could be... and you can work through those too, if they are there!

Sometimes a slow thaw is faster than a "microwave."

LOL how true and thats when I usuallly hang on tighter.

Not as much shocking as it is irritating. Im not one to stand still for very long. Ive learned if I do that I end up in the wallow in self pitty don't get back up for its not worth it mode. and right now thats not someplace I want or need to be.

There is a saying among the survivors that went public when I did and those that I have been in contact with over the past years and that is -

Against my will my abusers made me a victim.

By choice I made me a survivor.

I know that I will survive no matter what challenges that are locked behind closed door. And I have no doubt that it will lead to more or new details of the memories that I have forgotten.

That is why I have this brain freeze. Ive been through memory cycles before so even though I don't know the content yet, I know what to expect of the process of remembering and I know what to expect for after effects of the remembering.

Back when I first went through a memory cycle I was afraid of the content because I had no experience of going through the process. Well Now I have the experience of both and that makes for a massive brain freeze every time I reach this point.

NAAH for some maybe. I know removing bandaids hurt, I prefer the quick grab and go then the slow but drawn out stretch and pull of the adhesive backing.

I went back and reread parts of this post. Now that I am a little bit further along in therapy, so much more makes sense. Myself, thank you for all the sharing you do with us so that we can understand what is going on. I wanted to maybe bump this up for any new people that might want to read, or for people like me to reread it. Very imformative stuff.
Thanks!

Whoa what a blast from the past. I forgot I had this thread.

I am SO glad you bumped this up.

You are very welcome ((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))

and I am glad that I can help you all here. Even though I don't often ask for help myself each and every thread and post that I have read here on psych central has helped me so much along the way this past year.

So thanks goes to you too from me.
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((Myself)) What a really cool and informative thread..thank you Wanttoheal..for bumping this up..amazing..and helpful..

Evangelista

Thanks (((((((evanelista)))))))))))