Current state

***************DIFFICULT READING********************



See the psychiatrist tomorrow at the hospital. Dreading it.

Phoned my GP yesterday evening and he wants to see me tomorrow too in the evening. He's not happy.

Struggling to explain why I decided I wanted to stop the meds. I've written it out and printed it off so I can give it to psych / dr if I can't tell them tho I don't know if I will give it to psych as I don't trust him.

TRIGGER WARNING










I want to give up. I can't but I want to. I think it is different parts of me wanting to give up and knowing I have to carry on because of my family.


I feel hopeless. I feel like I am never going to get through this. I feel like I am not getting anywhere, not getting any better. I feel a drain on others. I feel I am not worth helping. I feel that some people perceive me as not deserving help. Those are the perceptions of part of me.

At the same time another part of me knows that I could never hurt my family as much as going away (in whatever sense) would.

The negative part of me came up with the idea of reducing my meds. It wanted me to get to the stage where I could give up. The thought is there that maybe I will get so low that I will actually commit suicide. I can't do that while I have ANY sense of control. But it is a battle within me.

I want to give up. I can't but I want to.

I agreed last night with my GP that I would do the following:
Take 4mg diazepam in the evenings, last night and tonight.
Take a sleeping tablet at bed time, last night and tonight.
Take 150mg dothiepin (not the 225mg that I was on before because of the side effects) last night and tonight.
Go to see him tomorrow after work.

I'm keeping to that and there is some sense of relief that I have been told what to do.
I feel out of control. When I have spoken to people about how I am feeling they keep saying how illogical it is, but that seems irrelevant. I don't know what is happening. I do feel a war within myself. I'm confused.

That's where I am. I don't know who or what I am right now, except confused and very very low.
I cried at work today, in the classroom. That was a first for me. I did manage to prevent the students from knowing. It was so stupid. I was reading answers to questions from the board and I kept making silly mistakes. I would see one number and say another. I would read the wrong number, from a different row. I got so frustrated with myself. I told the kids I was feeling unwell and needed to take a moment. I went into the corridor for about 30 seconds, took some deep breaths and returned. It's never happened like that before. Usually I can keep my emotions locked away while I am teaching.

C

(edited to remove some errors and add more warnings - I don't want anyone to be hurt by this post.)

((((((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))))))

What a brave sharing. We won't let you down in supporting you while you're going through this.

KD

{{{{Caroline}}}}}

Im sorry things are so hard right now for you.

I hope the psychiatrist and your GP can come up with a solution that will give you some relief.

I'm thinking about you.

yes Caroline, I hope these guys can come up with something. In the mean time please hang in there. We are all thinking of you.

atg

Caroline,

Hang on and stay safe.

You are worth it.

Petunia

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts
Thanks for sharing this
I truly hope the doctors get their act together
(((((( Caroline ))))))

we are all here for you too. what a familiar feeling...what a familiar series of thoughts and process. we do hope that you find relief and answers.
the constellation

Hang in there and stay safe.

Thank you all - i am sorry i am not up to individual responses but I really really appreciated every one of them.

The hospital appointment today was yet another in the same theme. NO psychotherapy is being offered; the official reason is that it is necessary for me to have a break of 2-3 months after finishing one session of therapy (and they include counselling in this) before starting therapy of any sort with the hospital so that I can process and act on the first therapy. I'd appreciate anyone who knows of any research / ppublished official opinions on this lettingme know in case I can find any energy to fight it.

WARNING



I had a breakdown at the news. Went into isolation internally - or tried to. Closed my eyes, rocking, tried to muffle all sound. Wasn't able to filter it all out and eventually the pastor's wife forced me to return though I didn't want to.

I feel hopeless. I have tried to be as clear as I can to everyone about how hopeless I feel. Even told the psychiatrist and social worker that if I had to have a 2-3 month break from all therapy they had no problem, because in 2-3 months with no counselling support I won't be around any more to give them a problem.
I've seen my GP tonight. He has put me on Trazadone to replace the dothiepin.
I spent the afternoon with my pastor & his wife. They were great. Wouldn't let me come home because nobody was there.
I'm not going to work tomorrow (needless to say I didn't go in this afternoon). Tomorrow is an easy day tomiss as I am not teaching in the morning and there is a whole school thing last lesson. I saw a couple of staff when I went in to collect my laptop and daughter. The head was very concerned and asked me to explain; when I did he was appalled. He is going to see if he can access any support for me but I doubt it very much as I think there is only counselling through the organisation. My pastor & his wife are prepared to fight for me when I get the official letter in response to my complaint. I feel unable to fight any more right now.

Caroline

((((( Caroline )))))

Please get some much needed rest.

You need to catch your breath.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You're in my thoughts,

Petunia

That is disgusting, frankly

Not surprising that some like me who are "coping" somehow do not wish to subject themselves to further abuse and violation from the NHS

imnsho they use every f***** excuse in the book. Pathetic.

GGGGRRRRRRRRRR

Fuzzy

.................

I found it hard to pass the day today. I did some work (quite a lot) on the school website. I called the trainer I work with at the gym - she ahs been very supportive - and explained that I was planning to come but was not in a good place. She suggested I went in early as I had a gap so I did. We did some yoga and I coped OK.

I had to go to work to collect my daughters and I went to see the head. He had seemed very supportive yesterday. I filled him in on what the dr said last night and he said he had called Occupational Health. I found some of what he said hard. For example, he talked about how I had been fine when I first started at the school but have had increasing problems with my depression over the last two years and that I was now having problems again. I reminded him that this current episode started before the summer (actually as a direct result of school actions). He doesn't seem able to see the impact of the increased pressure on me and other staff, for example "preparing" us for the past year for an OFSTED inspection for which we still have no date. Thinking about it since, he also is making quite a big thing of it as I think in the last two years I may have missed a total of 2 months of school in total, but certainly no more. I also filled him in on some other pressures (such as the fact that my husband's job has been under threat for the last two years). Anyway, he has spoken to Occupational Health and they are going to see what they can come up with. I'm not holding my breath.

I spoke to my GP again; when I collected my prescription for my new antdepressant the pharmacist indicated that I should not be taking the sleeping tablets with it. I didn't last night and had a very very bad night. My GP told me I should be taking the sleeping tablets; the ones I am on are short acting and he said it is more important that I get some sleep. I actually just want to take more tablets every time I wake and sleep through this, if I have to be here at all.

I also spoke to my counsellor. It didn't help. I see her on Tuesday. I don't know what to do. Part of me is blaming her for a lot of this as she initiated the referral to the hospital. I need to deal with it but I don't know how to. I don't know whether to persevere with how ever many sessions I can get with her or to go for another source of counselling (witha counsellor ruth feels has more experience with and knowledge of DD) which is run byt a local church, on a free basis. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to make any decisions right now.

H wants me to drive him into town tonight. I really don't want to. I got in from picking the girls up and asked him about his day. He didn't ask anything about mine or how I am feeling (he has been out all day) so I guess that's a sign I need to return to not talking about it.

I feel so without hope. I can't see an end to this depression. I know my GP has put me on the different med and he believes it will help (though he told me today I am in for a tough few days). I was pinning my hopes of sorting out my depression longterm on psychotherapy, and I don't believe i am going to get it. I don't believe I can keep fighting for it either. Just getting through the time is so so hard.

Ruth tried to remind me that I have to keep going for my daughters. And I know that is true. But I don't want to know that is true. I know that makes me a terrible mother, a terrible person. But that is where I am and how I feel right now.

For today Caroline, just keep typing, just keep talking, and let us hear you. We are all listening.

Petunia

Thank you Petunia.

I just had a phone call which has given me something more to hang on to - even if it is only a small thing. A counsellor I saw through work (she is part of the Occupational Health service for my employers) called. Her supervisor had contacted her following hy head teacher's call to occupational health. Ling Ling was very supportive and helpful when I saw her back in the summer - I only stopped seeing her because the chance came up to see ruth again, and I have worked with ruth before. Anyway, Ling Ling was calling to ask my permission for Occupational Health to contact my GP, and also to ask if I would be prepared to meet with occupational health for them to assess me in order to try to put pressure on the mental health services. I talked to her about where I am now. She was (as everyone seems to have been) horrified. She had a couple of suggestions, such as contacting my MP. The main reason I feel hopeful, however, is that she has said it is fine for me to call her if I just need to talk to someone - not to replace ruth, just if I am in a crisis and need someone to talk to. She said to tell ruth but that it wouldn't be a problem. She also said that ruth is very respected as a good counsellor, so that was good to hear at the moment when I am not sure where to turn. She told me I have been proactive and that I have been very determined and encouraged me to keep going. It just helped so much to talk to someone about how I am feeling. Ruth doesn't really offer crisis support - it's not part of her role - and I have felt very lost at times. To know I can phone Ling Ling if I need to is a real help, and to know that Occupational Health are going to try to help is also a source of some hope. She did say nothing is likely to happen before Christmas - but, as I told her, I was not expecting to see anyone immediately from psychotherapy - I just want to be put on the waiting list.
Thanks for reading and responding, Petunia and everyone else. It helps to be able to get some of my feelings out.
C

{{{{Caroline}}}}}

I'm glad this call has given you some hope.

Thank you Gemstone.