[Kathyanita]

anyone here had it? Ive had about 40 in the past. Seems like I can't dissociate like I used to and meds can't touch the depression thats been chronically mounting (or deepening?) for about a month- so its being considered again. Wish I was as good at forgetting as I used to be- but amnesia and fugue aren't "tools" at my disposal any more. Yep this is whining.

Let us know what is decided Kathy. I'm sorry that has to be an option, though. I will keep you in my thoughts.

I've not had it, Kathy, but like you am considering it. Talked to my GP about it - he used to administer it on the psychiatric ward at our local hospital. He said the main drawback is that there is usually some short term memory loss as a result - he said a couple of months or so. A friend of mine recently had it - it helped her depression immensely but she too had memory loss. the other drawback for me is that it would mean my being off work for a month or so.

Caroline

[Gemstone]

I've never had it either, but have considered it in the past.

Let us know what you decide. I'll be thinking of you.

[kimmydawn]

Kathy,

Know that you're always thought about. You are especially right now as this decision is being made. Let un know what's decided as we've come to care for you very much.

KD

[Kathyanita]

its been decided for me I guess-

its been too much trying to be a devoted friend and thinking that was recognized only to find the self-sacrifice was not ever necessary, was done based on the misinformation that others were alone and reaching out as well. Now Ive erased so much of myself that holds the abuse - in the interest of protecting and caring for loved ones that I am rendered defensless.

When the history/identity/affect fragments that hold pain and mortification are deleted - so goes any chance of sustaining life. When one deletes their selves in the interest of protecting and sustaining others all is lost when the sacrifices are immaterial and unrecognized. The defensless then become a burdon which must be "handled" with profound rejection like running from a shadow.

Unless such "heroism" is for the sake of a child we must hold onto our defenses embodied as pain and mortification and anger too are the necessary red flags that say stop- what you're giving up doesn't count to them in the world. I didnt know any better , yet again.

I look forward to the voltage that might erase the memory but then- will also erase the ability to watch out for it happening again.

[Kathyanita]

Merry holidays everybody

a short course is 3 in a row and bi-lateral is both temples.
When I would come home from that I couldn't remember where we keep the dishes in the cabinet.
I hope I can remember stuff like that and still forget being stoned and cast out by trusted freind. Means I might not know I have an account here or what a computer is for, might think its the microwave.
Be back if I can.
All you folks here are very good peoples.
xoxoKathy

Can you write little notes to yourself to remind you? Perhaps in a notebook somewhere you will notice when youc oome home?

I'll be thinking of you.

Caroline

[Kathyanita]

Im doing it outpatient. Still have memory. And a MASSIVE headache.

Im going to vent here too, because the freind who had a hand in me getting in this shape so as not to hurt them in a project which proved misguided has added the insult to the injury (of nonrecognition of my caring) of saying "stay away if you don't feel well"

I wrote myself a note before I went that defines what trust means and what love means and now I have learned that they do not HAVE to be inseparable. I love my friend still- but sure don't trust him. I'm learning about putting up some bpundaries of my own.

Next shock is monday. I'll be back.

You are in my thoughts and in my heart.

My best to you, Kathyanita.

Petunia

[complic8d]

I had ECT this past summer. I hope all goes well for you. I had 6 treatments in all, unilateral. I have almost no memory from around that time, and have the last year or two that I don't remember much, or have to be reminded. I guess at the time it was the only decision left, to save my life. The last thing I thought of right before going under was my 2 kids, their names and ages. And, I didn't ever have any problem with that (even though my son turned 12 in the middle of it). I would suggest that you write notes of stuff that you need to remember, especially short-term, before you get too far into treatment.
I am thinking of you, I know it's a hard decision to make, but I guess it is worth it, to save a life. Please know that you are not alone, and are in my thoughts
HUGS

[sara1010]

I know you folks probably get sick, sick, sick of me talking about this, but I figure if I talk about it enough perhaps someone will actually benefit from Transactional Analysis. I can't recall which book it was in, the Inner Child of the Past or I'M OK YOU'RE OK, but it spoke about what ECT did to the person who underwent treatment. What is said to happen is the treatment temporairily 'TURNS OFF' the Child and Parent part of a person, thus allowing the Adult (the here and now part) to actually become the dominant part of the personality. This Adult, is the one who can make rational decisions, and is in an excellent position to learn and understand the concept of Transactional Analysis and so learn how to control their own minds.

[Kathyanita]

Sara-
I can only speak from my experience of having 2 years of maintenance ECT plus courses in between in crisis that were inpatient- a total of more than 40 shocks-

I can tell you for me it turned off EVERY part - in other words the brain lost memory on all fronts- coundnt drive or find my way around my own block- and the amnesia was retrograde as well as current (no pun intended)

but I think you are suggesting the same as Caroline which is to make a deliberate effort to learn and relearn with cues anything of value and importance to daily life and the prospect of a future life ongoing (we hope)

Thanks for all comments and support- Petunia I hold you dear
Kathy

[Kathyanita]

amazing what a 30 second event in the brain can do- a brainstorm indicated only by the curling of toes- I draw faces on each toe to make it a bit entertaining for the toe-watchers. All street clothes except footwear and jewelry stay on.
Well today is #3 and then hopefully done. Have a good day and happy new year in advance.
Kathy

[CedarS]

Our best wishes and prayers go with you. Happy New Year too, incredible that it is almost 2006.

[Kathyanita]

Thanks evryone, keep wishing and praying if you will-

wishing I will still be able to earn some money besides disability (not enough in this county and state)

wishing my friend wasnt out of commision and lost to me because of surgery and after-effects of childhood abuse

wishing my dx and all wont scare away anybody else who would be a friend

wishing i could be allowed to drive my car and find my *** with my elbow (if thats the saying)

wishing i never have to be electrocuted again unless its by the "state" for some true crime

well, thats cheery, umm- Good Morning?
Kathy

I hope you know you are in my heart.

I admire your strength, courage and perseverance.

I wish you well, Kathyanita.

Petunia

read your wishing post here. I had a friend that tried ECT and it made her worse. So she stopped the treatment. You can stop the ECT treatments at any point if you don't think having ECT is right for you anymore.

[wanttoheal]

Thinking of you and wishing you the best. Thank you for keeping us posted. We care very much for you.

[CedarS]

Wishing those things for you too.

[complic8d]

(((Kathyanita))) Thanks for the laugh. Why didn't I think of that, the toe-faces for the "watchers"! Weird to think people are standing over you watching you have a seizure, even if only parts of you show it.
I will agree with you that, for me, it turned off everything in my mind. I felt that it helped only in putting my mind into oblivion for awhile.
Wishing that all your wishes come true! Good luck and HUGS!

[MacD]

Kathyanita....You're anything but a whiner....You're courageous to share that and even moreso to cope with it.....You'll be in my thoughts and prayers this new year...grace