[Claritytoo]

Is the result of integration the same as not having DID? I listen to my therapist talk about how she thinks. It sounds one denominational. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that my thoughts have always been a collection of possibilities. It is not as simple as asking myself, do I want chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Because along with that initial thought comes in a volume of responses like, you can't have ice cream, yes I can, who's paying for it?, i don't know. how much do I have?, why are we having ice cream?, because I want to. And on and on and on. The more complicated the subject the more complicated the thoughts. It's exhausting.

[Crew]

For everyone it is different...

I don't think there is one answer for that. Why not work on your healing and then your questions will be answered that are around you and not what other people are feeling. I don't mean to sound rude, to me that sounds rude.

Integration is something that is at the very end of your healing and it is personal to each and everyone.

With DID, healing from it and sharing each of our expeirences will all be different but similar.

I wish you in your healing and I do wish you the best.

Crew

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Crew

For everyone it is different...

I don't think there is one answer for that. Why not work on your healing and then your questions will be answered that are around you and not what other people are feeling. I don't mean to sound rude, to me that sounds rude.

Integration is something that is at the very end of your healing and it is personal to each and everyone.

With DID, healing from it and sharing each of our expeirences will all be different but similar.

I wish you in your healing and I do wish you the best.

Crew

Thanks for responding, What you said doesn't sound rude. I am fearful of changes that might happen. I know me as I am. I didn't know why I was this way. In fact until not so long ago I thought everyone thought like me. Things are happening and it causes me to be fearful. What you say makes sense. That my experience will be personal to us. It is difficult for me to trust. I can get there, it just takes awhile. Take care.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Is the result of integration the same as not having DID? I listen to my therapist talk about how she thinks. It sounds one denominational. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that my thoughts have always been a collection of possibilities. It is not as simple as asking myself, do I want chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Because along with that initial thought comes in a volume of responses like, you can't have ice cream, yes I can, who's paying for it?, i don't know. how much do I have?, why are we having ice cream?, because I want to. And on and on and on. The more complicated the subject the more complicated the thoughts. It's exhausting.

Like Crew said everyone experiences integration differently and for some people integration is the end of the healing road...

that said for me integration was at the beginning, middle and end of my healing... the mental health community here believe integration in the literal sense of the definition. that its the processes of healing no matter what you are healing from. example if you are healing through PTSD its the process of remembering the trauma, putting your feelings and memories together with the actual events, working through the denial, shock, and other emotions along with working through the flashbacks, panic attacks and nightmares that may be hindering your daily activities.

here it is believed with DID integration is the same thing - working through the denial of the disorder, working through and discovering the alters, working through what the alters share with you like those memories, emotions and events that are contained within the parts, working through the emotions and feelings like shock, denial and acceptance and putting together of what the alters have shared. and through this process the alters and host merge together in on whole person.

for me at times this process was scary, hard, and other times it was a wow moment of one minute perceiving the parts as being separate from me and having no access to what the alters held to suddenly realizing I know what this alter knows and I didnt even dissociate into this alter to have that ability because she was now with me as one whole person working together.

as the integration process happened it did get a bit scary because as each one integrated thats more memories and emotions I had access to, and the noise level inside went down (the alters didnt have to shout inside my head any more to be heard because they were merged together with me.) it is a very strange but yet welcome feeling at first to know everything just by thinking about things and knowing I would never be popping into alters going every which way again.

the best thing you can do is just take things one day at a time one step at a time. your treatment providers will help you through everything as it things come up for you.

[Claritytoo]

I saw my therapist today. She is working with me on grounding. I sometimes find myself in between. I am real but not real. I feel as thought I have no substance. That I am no one in particular. That causes confusion, fear and anxiety. I will often have self destructive thoughts in these moments. I have had these thoughts in some form or another for twenty five to thirty years. I hear them but I don't act on them. I usually correct who ever is suggesting such things by saying don't be ridicules we are not doing that. I don't know them but they feel young. Maybe thirteen or fourteen. The suggestions seem to come when no one is in charge. It concerns me that there is a part of me that has negative feelings toward me. I would never hurt any part of me. Even as I write this there is still another part of me who refuses to believe this is possible. Can not grasp how such alters can exist in me. Since they are me. I don't get it either. I know it is true that there is something I just can't accept me as me. I need to realize they are me and embrace the knowledge and all my selves. I am feeling really tired. Thanks for your insights.

[YellowWallpaper]

I learned about integration in the psyc ward. I voluntarily went in - against my other's wishes. They thought I was going to kill them. The doctors there told me about integration and I BURST OUT crying. It's like I was crying out of pure relief for four people out of only two eyes...

I don't think we did properly, though. For a good year, I suppose I was medically 'integrated'. I had only one disociation (but a really unfortunate one) and only because I forgot my meds for a couple days.

Eventually the side effects got to be too much (sleeping 12+ hours a day minimum) so I was switched to lithium.

Now we are certainly not integrated, but I think we are happier, albeit a little less functional than 'normal' people. Usually we get along, sometimes we fight, sometimes we're triggered, but the thing is: we try to take care of each other.

I found it too lonely being 'integrated-in-a-pill'; there was no one to talk to when I was upset. I don't recommend this kind of integration.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by YellowWallpaper

I learned about integration in the psyc ward. I voluntarily went in - against my other's wishes. They thought I was going to kill them. The doctors there told me about integration and I BURST OUT crying. It's like I was crying out of pure relief for four people out of only two eyes...

I don't think we did properly, though. For a good year, I suppose I was medically 'integrated'. I had only one disociation (but a really unfortunate one) and only because I forgot my meds for a couple days.

Eventually the side effects got to be too much (sleeping 12+ hours a day minimum) so I was switched to lithium.

Now we are certainly not integrated, but I think we are happier, albeit a little less functional than 'normal' people. Usually we get along, sometimes we fight, sometimes we're triggered, but the thing is: we try to take care of each other.

I found it too lonely being 'integrated-in-a-pill'; there was no one to talk to when I was upset. I don't recommend this kind of integration.

I am sorry that happened to you. you are a very unique person. most if not all people with DID do not have this kind of reaction (integration by medication). in most if not all DID'ers medications can work on things like depression, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, but it *usually* doesnt take away / integrate the alters.

please continue working with your treatment providers. let them know what happened so that they can place what ever medications you had side effects from on your files. that way it will be safer for all of you to receive treatment and not be afraid of this happening to you again.

[YellowWallpaper]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

please continue working with your treatment providers. let them know what happened so that they can place what ever medications you had side effects from on your files. that way it will be safer for all of you to receive treatment and not be afraid of this happening to you again.

Thanks AmandaLouise. Personally, I'm going to ask to be referred to a therapist, as right now I only have a psychiatrist. (who is all-too-happy to write prescriptions, lol) I guess I should probably tell him the voices are not just voices, but parts of me, too. Maybe there's the starting line...