The "I" word

Well guys, Wednesday will mark 3 whole weeks since my therapy session where all my parts came together and we became I. AKA the word I hate "integration" ....

Anyone else here go through this? Does it stick? It is the strangest feeling ever!!!! It is sooooooo silent inside! I miss my parts.
But I know they are me and not gone. I know they are all still with me but just as me.

So I am now experiencing things from such a different reality.
And while I am very happy to finally feel peace inside!!!, well, I am also feeling some deep things that I never had to feel before. And I feel lonely inside too. Any advice????

you fully integrated?? we didnt think it was posible. congrats♥ sorry we have no advice as we are still discovering new parts

yes I have gone through integration and yes it sticks. I have been integrated for a few yrs now. yes it is the strangest feeling to be one whole person again. you will get used to it in time.

advice - take each new feeling /emotion/ memory that you now have access to, one step at a time. if for you its like it was for me, there will be times when you will feel more than one feeling/emotion at the same time and it may feel like its too strong, smothering or drowning / over whelming. when this happened to me my wife would sit holding me and saying over and over again - no these feelings are not too strong for you now, you can handle them everyone would not have merged with you if you were not ready for this. tell me what it is, come on feel it and say it, say it so loud people in the next county can hear what you are feeling.. she would keep talking to me. my therapist, family and others that knew were the same way..it may seem bad during it but you can handle it and you wont drown and wont smother or be buried under the weight of feeling all these things now. Just take it slow and one thing at a time and reach out when the bad times come. pm me anytime. I only get on here about once a day but I always read and try to answer my pm's every day.

yes .... but T says the brain still knows how to split into the alters, so they never really go away. But I am not feeling them at all and all their memories are in my awareness. Uggg on that part!

i very rarely hear from my peeps...most of them have faded away..except for 2-3 major ones & now even they are pretty quiet...so i guess in a way i am pretty integrated...i have told my t i would like to keep it like this..i have no desire to wrap it all up into 1 tidy person...i actually like the way this works for me...enjoy the perspectives it gives me...

things are pretty quiet unless there are some serious stressors around & even this past january when there were indeed...i handled them & the remaining peeps hung out in the back & laid low...so while it may not be the perfect system according to the psych books..it's working.

good luck to you tho wepow...i imagine that would be scary...but 3 weeks...that is a great start.

Dont wanna...


LOL....

I used to be worried about that too. But when I asked my therapist about it she told me its true I will never forget how to dissociate (some people, locations call it splitting) because dissociation is a normal thing. Every human brain is born with the capability to use their normal natural dissociation example pretending, using imagination, concentration, ...

when I was born I was one whole person, then one day 3 elements came together in the right combination of severity -

my age (here where I live, it is believed among the mental health community that only children under the age of 5 can create alters using dissociation)

extreme trauma

my natural born instinctual dissociation skills

enabled me to be very creative and dissociate those abused parts of myself so that I may survive.

then my therapist asked me -

are you still under the age of 5?
my answer no. I am well over the age of 5 now.

her reply was since only children under the age of 5 have the ability to create alters when in extreme abuse that shoots down the possibility of my splitting off into alters again. it cant happen anymore.

then she asked me
Are you still going through the extreme abuse that caused you to have alters to help you survive?
my answer no, my abuser has been prosecuted and is in prison, there is no possibility for the abuse to happen again. And I am not that helpless child anymore that he loved to torment.

her reply So again the possibility of my splitting into alters again is gone...Im not a child under 5 and Im not undergoing child sexual abuse anymore.

its true my brain will never forget how to dissociate because dissociation is a normal thing brains do. but the elements that come together for creating my alters is non existent now.

then she told me -

"from here on out you make all your choices/decisions. you are not a helpless child anymore. you are an adult capable of taking care of yourself and your problems. whether you *chose* to remain grounded and deal with your problems face on or not is now up to you. You have the control, you have the problem solving skills and the grounding skills....., I cant force you to use them. you want to live your life stoned out on meds, seeing things as if through a foggy day, instead of enjoying what you have worked so hard to achieve, thats your choice. if thats your choice go on your way, I wont stop you. my job is done. But if you want to continue living a life of awareness instead of depersonalization, and other dissociative symptoms, then you know what you need to do and I will be here to help you continue to move forwards."

she was right all the choices for my life and happiness are now up to me. and now you have that too. now that you are integrated you are the one that is calling all the shots. no more unpredictability of others popping out all over the place....its up to you now, you can use what you have worked so hard to learn and achieve or you can run to the hills and hide in a dissociated state.

you dont *feel* them in the same way as you used to. example one of my alters memories is of getting slapped across the face.before integration I felt only what that alter wanted to share with me about it... one day it was just the resounding noise of it, another day it was embarrassment of it, another day it was each part of that memory one by one... during trauma therapy the alter shared it all at one, After integration I remember what it felt like and all that but not in the painful way I did before integration. its like that memory lost its power, I dont feel the sting, embarrassment as a literal feeling. its a more settled remembrance I remember what happened and how it felt when it happened but it no longer affects my life. its just a normal past memory for me now.

when I was telling you to take it one step at a time and all, I didnt mean all those past stuff thats now been settled and integrated. Im talking about new things. the alters wont be taking control and dealing with things *for* or *sheilding* you from emotions, feelings, problems...

example before integration I had a high tolerance for pain. I could hammer my finger while hanging a picture and not feel a darn thing, another alter would carry that pain for me, deal with that pain. First time I hung a picture and hit my fingers with the hammer I felt so many things... anger, pain, frustration, stupidity... and having the full experience that comes with hitting your fingers with a hammer literally knocked me off my chair, sent me stomping around the room, physically dizzy from feeling the pain and all the emotions at once. my wife found me hugging the wall in a panic attack, because everything was so so intense compared to what I was used to before integration.

its a big change to go from the alters taking what you cant deal with out of your awareness. to theres only one whole person experiencing every thing. the word overwhelming, drowning, feel like being buried alive doesnt do it justice but its the closest I can come to describing the experience.

your alters will never go away they are part of you. They are with you forever. just in a different way then they used to be before integration. example I was reading a book tonight in bed. my wife suddenly leaned over, tapped me on the arm, held up the hand mirror and I couldnt help smiling. for there I was with the pen in my hair at the same angle that used to be "Skips" way that was now my way of keeping the pen near when reading and journaling in bed. My alters are all here with me, just in a different way then they used to be.

Thank you so much. I am so glad you had that support. It is really a step by step thing.

Your wife is a good woman!

Does your life make more or less sense now that you "know everything"?

Once we were close...but ...anyway...we had become a smoothie...together we were different...stronger....but a more than stressful event seemed to unravel the new cohesiveness we created. Now we have lost all communication with each other. But if we did not have ...the loss of our T over the phone...and be forced out of school for a year and a half on medical leave...we may have been able to remain the wonderful smoothie.. No one was gone...just we had formed together into something spectacular. One day at a time is the best advice cantexplain or any of us can give.
Congratulations on your achievement.

Actually, it is odd because I did a lot of work with EMDR getting to know my alters and hear their story. So being intigrated is not a shock. I could not have processed those parts without my alters being able to share them and process through the pain themselves. ]

My life started making a TON more sense when I started being able to listen to those alters and was taught by my T how to have compassion for the pain they held for the whole.

I'm glad for you Wepow but I have to admit, I don't understand integration.
There's still so much about DID that I don't understand and probably never will.

I don't understand integration yet either! All I know is that it takes a TON of energy to keep my mind in the here and now. My mind wants to split off. But I am staying here and that makes me feel all the parts of me just being me when things are going on. In the an alter would be angry about something and I was just watching from outside (or not even there). Now I feel the anger and feel my brain want to shift over to the alter who knew anger, but I stay with the emotion instead and I experience it fully rather than leave the scene or watch myself experience it.

The Anderson crew is sending you lots of hope and streangth! We hope that this will work for you! We just got into RA/MC counseling and now have hope in being fewer. Not quite there for being one yet, but do enjoy the the hope of allowing those within that are willing to heal and grow into one do so.
please keep us updated. In my other group there is a talk of what it is like. hearing about it by those that are living it does help those that are scared within other.

I like the way you stated that, " heal and grow into one" that is how I understand it to be. Thanks. Take care.

I'm kinda in the same boat as you right now. I've integrated and am now facing emotions and situations I never had to deal with before.

What I will say is facing it by keeping your mind in the here and now is a good thing. I didn't handle integration well. I wanted to be done with everything and so I ignored my problems by disassociating my emotions. Now, due to current circumstances, I have no choice but to deal with the integration and its even more difficult because I have emotions that have built up on top of the old ones.

As for dealing with new emotions, it may seem scary at first but it is well worth seeing through. One of the most difficult emotions for me to deal with after integration was my alters' anger and distrust towards my father. As far as I was concerned, my father and I had a great relationship and while I was aware that my alters didn't like him it never really registered with me. Then I had to face those emotions first hand and completely freaked. I refused to talk to my father for months because I was afraid I would trigger and ruin our relationship. When we finally did sit down and talk everything went fine. I was able to avoid triggering and, while not perfect, I like to think that my father and I are now on a path back to our old relationship.

Integration is confusing, exhausting, lonely and difficult, but I also want to believe that it'll be more than worth it in the end. I want to believe that I'll be a healthier and happier person for it. Good luck and (forgive me if you are not religious) may God be with you.

10/6 thank you so much for sharing. You nailed it with the emotions!

I am still working out of my unified mind. I can still sense the alter parts of me when I do things, but I am making it without dissociating. I am also considering writing out about the things that helped me work with my alters so we could get to this stage in healing. I am just not sure if anyone is interested in what I would have to say. I know that the DID situation is a very individualized issue. And I don't believe in a one-size-fits-all solution. But I do believe that people can experience health and healing with DID.

I alternate between using I and we , I am not integrated and probably dont want to be. but I have seen times I write we, Im not sure.
At the moment I write I.
I am glad you feel peace inside.