(May trigger)

I have this thing where I have parts who think of completely eccentric ways to repeat my abuse. I found one introject who always felt he had to physically harm me in order to control the emotional pain I felt. So if someone told me "You're ugly". That person hurt me emotionally, so this part would turn around and hurt me physically in order to control the pain.

So now I'm not sure if it's the same part, but people are like striking it up with guys and inviting them over to my place and I think it's because they want to repeat the sexual abuse. When I would have no control, just sitting by as a spectator. Just like I had no control in the past. It would be like being raped all over again. I don't want to start down this path. It doesn't seem healthy at all. Has this ever happened to anyone?

I don't know what to do... I start with my new T on thursday, but it's not exactly the first thing I'm going to bring up.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

(May trigger)

I have this thing where I have parts who think of completely eccentric ways to repeat my abuse. I found one introject who always felt he had to physically harm me in order to control the emotional pain I felt. So if someone told me "You're ugly". That person hurt me emotionally, so this part would turn around and hurt me physically in order to control the pain.

So now I'm not sure if it's the same part, but people are like striking it up with guys and inviting them over to my place and I think it's because they want to repeat the sexual abuse. When I would have no control, just sitting by as a spectator. Just like I had no control in the past. It would be like being raped all over again. I don't want to start down this path. It doesn't seem healthy at all. Has this ever happened to anyone?

I don't know what to do... I start with my new T on thursday, but it's not exactly the first thing I'm going to bring up.

you just completed an intensive inpatient program for DID right. So what did your treatment providers at the inpatient program for DID say to do about that introject and any future ones like it when this happens to you..

do what ever they told you to do about this.

my suggesting otherwise may go against what ever treatment the inpatient program put you on and could possibly cause you to lose that stability and progress you made during inpatient.

all the inpatient programs I know also have a transition process where they give you numbers and contact people you can call to help you adjust to out patient care and deal with any issues that may come up while transferring to your out patient treatment team... give them a call.

If they neglected to do a transition process with you call the psychiatrist, therapist that you saw while inpatient. tell them whats going on and when your appointment is with your new treatment provider and you need a bit of help to get from now until then. they can give you ideas of what to do that wont go against the individual treatment plan you received while inpatient so that you will not lose the stability and progress you gained during inpatient.

[Bmee2]

Perhaps this is a reaction to the starting with a new T on Thursday?
i am sorry i do not know or have any advice to give. i just know starting with a new T has caused all kinds of trouble: shredding the journals, hiding the keys, breaking the driving glasses, canceling the T appointment. Probably not what is happening to you but...maybe...?

[LeafLace]

This is a cycle I go through frequently. In my experience, there's sort of a relay race effect of rapid switching that's difficult to keep track of but it's like a number of us are racing to make sure this happens before I snap to and put a stop to it. It's difficult to even talk about in therapy but I make sure each T is aware of it. Getting to know the signs of what will cause it to happen has helped but like anything, there are a lot of triggers to recognize and keep track of. I agree with amandalouise. I don't want to tell you what to do because every situation is different and everyone's treatment plan should be carefully designed for them by someone who has the training and information to do so but I will say that finding constructive distractions that make me genuinely happy has made a big difference for me, not that it's easy to bring oneself back from those impulses. It's not easy. The fact that you recognize that it's happening and recognize that reenacting your trauma isn't the healthiest option for you is major and something to commend yourself for. I commend you for it. I hope you keep yourself as safe as possible and get to where you want to be.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((LydiaB))))

So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone as there are those within that also do continue to harm the body. It is all they know and when triggered or something it is what they know to do. Many times it was a way to feel something other than what was going on around us. Somehow making it our pain and not the pain of what was taking place or could take place.

It is not something talked about a lot for it is too hard to tell anyone. When I come back I find it so hard and frightening. I feel so lost and tears fall that somewhere we still feel the need to hurt. I do understand what you are saying. I had one within that would react to men as she always knew to do. She would start it but when things started getting scary she left and another would take what happened. Then punishment would follow from someone within. When I would finally come back pain and shame filled me. Finally she was made to take what she started and she was hurt and does not do that anymore, or at least not like she used to.

I do hope that you talk with your treatment team and your new t. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And there is hope to change it with time and reaching out. Finding new ways for others within to help not hurt has helped at times. We have been through enough already. Please take care of yourself and reach out to your treatment team. Not sure if this makes any sense as it is really hard to admit or tell. And I am shaking now.

Just know that you are being heard and are not alone. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Ick I don't have much memory of writing this. I knew I wrote something on PC, but the content of it was unknown. Sorry if I triggered anyone. Obviously whoever wrote this isn't as sensitive as I am. I can't decide if I'm switching more now, or if I finally just have the ability to notice it more efficiently since being in the hospital.

AmandaLouise- Uhm nope, no follow up like that. This program is ranked top 5 post trauma units in any given year, I'm surprised they didn't think of something like that. I see my new therapist tomorrow. I kind of just plan on jumping in, I don't have time to beat around bushes. I don't think I was asking necessary like "what do I do"? But more like "does anyone relate"? I don't know that's my gut feeling.

BMee- I'm not really sure. I wish I knew...

LeafLace- I'm confused whether this is new to me or if I'm always like this, I just never had internal communication about it before and never knew of it. My system feels a little less constrained, because a lot of the protectors have backed off. I can't decide if that's good or bad.

DarkPurple- I know what you mean. I have a part that will get me put in restraints in hospitals and then leave. Repeat again. I developed protectors to stop this part that's more similar to your part, but the protectors are chilling out somewhere on some remote island without us. I hope that you're feeling better now. I'm sorry if this brought up bad feelings for you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Ick I don't have much memory of writing this. I knew I wrote something on PC, but the content of it was unknown. Sorry if I triggered anyone. Obviously whoever wrote this isn't as sensitive as I am. I can't decide if I'm switching more now, or if I finally just have the ability to notice it more efficiently since being in the hospital.

AmandaLouise- Uhm nope, no follow up like that. This program is ranked top 5 post trauma units in any given year, I'm surprised they didn't think of something like that. I see my new therapist tomorrow. I kind of just plan on jumping in, I don't have time to beat around bushes. I don't think I was asking necessary like "what do I do"? But more like "does anyone relate"? I don't know that's my gut feeling.

BMee- I'm not really sure. I wish I knew...

LeafLace- I'm confused whether this is new to me or if I'm always like this, I just never had internal communication about it before and never knew of it. My system feels a little less constrained, because a lot of the protectors have backed off. I can't decide if that's good or bad.

DarkPurple- I know what you mean. I have a part that will get me put in restraints in hospitals and then leave. Repeat again. I developed protectors to stop this part that's more similar to your part, but the protectors are chilling out somewhere on some remote island without us. I hope that you're feeling better now. I'm sorry if this brought up bad feelings for you.

so sorry they left you hanging like that, glad you will be seeing your new T tomorrow. I can relate. I just didnt feel comfortable making suggestions in case what I suggested conflicted with the the treatment plan that inpatient put you on.

[WePow]

What I discovered is that the alters who wanted (needed) to act out the abuse did so because I was not yet willing or able to handle processing through the trauma memories. It was their way of forcing me to confront the actual abuse. The pain was there and was real, but I was not hearing the pain. I was able to accept the facts of what happened to me, but I was not able to accept the pain that those alters held for me.

Once I opened myself up and allowed myself to fully feel the pain/shame/humilation/agony/sorrow/fear that an alter was holding as a result of them being the "one" who enduring a specific horror, that freed the alter. That alter no longer had to contain all of those emotions by themselves.

After doing that, their "need" to act out the trauma was greatly reduced.

[Nammu]

I don't have any wise words, just a message to let you know that; no you are not alone.

I had an alter like that. My integration was rather rough and I live in fear that it will all fall apart, and that will happen again. I'm realizing that my best bet is to work with my current T and be open with her about my past. If I try to deny my fears then they are in control. So please be sure to tell your new T that you/they need to work on a plan to keep your whole self safe while you/they work together with her/him. A body safety plan. ((((safe hugs))))

[Puzzle_]

Mine have done this as well, Im not sure why and at the time it can be a bit scary. Yet I realize they do it but I am still emotionally numb about the abuse somewhere.

Hope you feel better soon.