Denial of DID

I don't know if this rates a warning or not but I would rather err on the side of caution.

Is it so bad of me to deny I had DID in the past? I'm intergrated now. I haven't ever told the T I have now about it, she's kinda wondered how I could get though some things I have been though(even there she doesn't know much about my childhood ---I feel like thats been dealt with and shut) and only have dissociation, but I just don't want to even talk about it, or even think about those years. I just responded to a post about getting arrested. I never did, but I got picked up more times than I can count. It has me remembering things and wondering if I'm doing the right thing shuting the door on that and refusing to acknowledge that DID was ever my diagnoses--is it a past thing or does it stay with you?

When I "woke " up in those hospitals I learned to quickly quiz the people in the hospital to find out where I was, what day it was and all that and lie my way out quickly. My doctor too if she was called would say I had had a dissocitive episode and there was no reason to keep me if it was me responding. Some alters figured out how to use that too. So it wasn't always me that left the hospital.

What does my T work on? The stuff that made my PSTD into C -PTSD the psych hospitals that abused me and my husband. She knows I was sexualy abused as a child, I just say thats been dealt with.

Does it come up? I don't split, but sometimes the memories of dealing with it, and the trouble I got into, the alter who did things I don't aprove of.. those things do come up, I just do my best to lock it out. I m really afraid that if I admit ti it that whole can of worms might get opened up again. I'm afraid to get close to people because of it. Once you have that diagnose is it for life? I live in a different state now. 2 times removed. I've started over more times than I care to, I don't want to have to move again.

Not sure why you feel you would have to move, what are you running from? It's highly likely that your T knew about the DID, it's not something that can be hidden that well. Try not to worry, your realization here will lead to more healing.

I was always running. There was an alter that acted out. As an adult I have never lived in one place as long as I have here, 7 years.I don't want to have all that start aagian, the lost time, strangers at my door, they know me I haven't a clue who they are. (I just stay home and make no friends but its wearing on me. It's no longer feeling safe to just hide. ) So I leave, I leave leave eveything behind and start over with nothing.
I want to try and go back to work but between the memory gaps, I have nothing tangable to look at to tell me where I have worked and when. I think I know, but dates are not linear for me.I'm trying to work with a state agency but I don't want to tell them about the DID either and they don't understand how I can not know when I worked where. I can't even remember when I lived where.

I think it's important to be honest with T, for them to have a full picture. I'm going through this now. I have not wanted to bring it up with new T, would have preferred to completely leave out the DID stuff and not mess with it. Always running in my life. Moving. I've worried about the can of worms too. But I really hope to heal this time. I hope that for you too. I would think honesty is the best thing with your T. It's a pretty significant issue, whether in the past or present.

My present diagnoses is C-PTSD with dissocitive & depressive features. But I am a intergrated where the DID used to be diagnosed. Is this forum an ok place for me to ask questions and post?

I'm really new here, but I would think it would be perfectly fine to post here.

OMG, this sounds identical to me. Last 10yrs atleast. Hope everything works out for you, Big hug from me!

Many times, for me anyway, living like this feels shameful.
As a child, I was punished many times for my forgetfulness and "head in the clouds" problem. So you start trying to hide it, tell people you're just forgetful, or laugh about it.
Or tell people you go through phases.

Yet, its hard , so we go to therapy....because its a place where we can tell someone and they wont run off telling our family members or our friends.
Therapy is the one place its safe to explain these things, but with the inner battle of denial it can make it doubly difficult.

Perhaps you have strong protectors? Try talking with them, try to figure out a plan, tell your therapist you have something important to explain to her but are afraid to. Tell her you experience many things but you are ashamed (or whatever emotion it is you feel) and have a bit of denial about it as well..

Nothing is for sure, we dont know if its for life, or what it will be, yet, telling your therapist might help you cope. I dont get close to people because of this either, I feel it causes much confusion, and I am afraid of making decisions I later wish I didnt make.
It can be limiting, but there are ways of coping..

Tell your Therapist

no its not bad for you to deny a past diagnosis of DID and no you dont have to tell your present treatment providers.

No you are not diagnosed with DID for life. If you are in the USA, by USA diagnostic standards, the day your alters were integrated was the day you no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for having DID. that diagnosis is now done and over with. example if today you went through a psychiatric evaluation you would not be diagnosed with DID because you would not be switching into at least two alters. so by todays standards and with the diagnostic criteria used today you would not be DID.

My suggestion keep doing what you are doing working your problem/symptoms and dont worry about the diagnostic labels.

I don't think you can work on your dissociative roots if you don't talk about those root events. Can't heal from PTSD if you don't work on healing from the trauma, which requires acknowledging and working with the trauma.

Im so sorry you feel shame about DID. i was on the radio last year doing a program about DID is nothing to feel bad about. I got lots of great responses. DID is a gift and coping mechanism. I hope someday ppl can see it like that.

lets see what gifts being DID gave me...

losing time
disorientation
confusion
arrests
hospitalizations
loss of friends
loss of jobs
becoming aware in strange places and not knowing how I got there
not being able to have a whole conversation with someone
Panic attacks
nightmares
loss of lovers
sleeping with strangers
smoking
drinking
memory gaps
not knowing my own name
not knowing my own address and phone numbers
self injury
suicidal thoughts and acts
reenacting the abuses I didnt remember...
not remembering being abused in horrific ways.
having to relive horrific abuses I didnt remember the first time around
being treated like I was crazy because I carried the label DID
and many more...

for some people being DID is not a gift nor positive coping tool. and never will be. and thankfully we dont have to feel like we have to think of it as a gift.

for me and many like me being one whole person and not carrying the label DID anymore is the gift.

I did tell my therapist, she wasn't shocked nor did she seem really too surprised. She also said it was a coping mechanism. I pretty much got the same things AmandaLouise got from her DID, except I lucked out and never got arrested. There wasn't much pleasent about it. It might have started out protecting me, but somewhere along the line the coping turning abusive. My T and I are just going to keep working on the PTSD and I don't have to worry about shattering like a mirror because we are going to start a workbook. I get to choose how fast or slow we go.

I want to thank everyone for their persectives, it all helps.

u r not DID anymore, deal with what you need to now, and all the best your journey, listen to your intuition, women's are great