[kimmydawn]

***If inside children are close, please read later.






She tries so hard to be quiet
And secretly screams inside
She doesn't move or draw attention
But runs the forest in her mind

She predicts the moods around her
In anticipation of what's to come
There is nowhere to retreat
Only in fantasy can she roam

She doesn't see that the imagination
that frees her in her child's dream
Is the same which paralyzes her
When mixed with cruel reality

The escape that she found to survive
Also bred and nurtured the fear of an untruth
How can we tell her that her saving grace
Was that which created terror for her too

How can we explain that the forests did not exist
That we still suffered even when she couldn't feel
How do we tell her that her hurt was abuse
But that maybe fear overshadowed what was real

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( kimmy )))))))))

safe hugs
Fuzzy

[Sabrina]

Oh dear - I related at Creative Writing - but now I feel lost.

Sorry!

I felt I had something to say ... now I just don't know.

I still feel for child / person who is so afraid.

[kimmydawn]

I'm so sorry, (((((((((((sabrina)))))))))))) I messed up and deleted the wrong one. When I was going to move the one from creative to here.

Thank you for responding. I hope you're well.

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((fuzziestbear)))))))))))))))))
thank you

kd

beautiful (((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))

I know its hard when the inside mental safe places conflict with the outside world and its hard getting the memory pieces to understand the difference between the two. I never tried to explain or force my memory pieces to see the difference. my therapists and I approached my DID as they are pieces of me as in my memorys, doesn't mean they aren't there and arent important because memorys are stored in the brain forever. They are always going to be there whether I remember what I forgot or not.

and my la la land was always going to be there whether I used it or not. Its my mental safe place somehow I created it. I will always remember I have a la la land and what it was like. kind of like drawing a picture. you can draw the picture and throw it away but the memory of drawing that picture is still there so I can recreate the drawing any time I want just by drawing it.

So instead of trying to get memorys to believe they are memorys and replaying my memorys and my floating in la la land as much as I did was hurting me my therapy focused on my learning while aware what DID was and how to take care of it and putting new coping tools in place so that when I got triggered while aware I don't always have to dissociate to feel safe.

My therapist felt theres nothing wrong with having a la la land and never tried to make me give it up. Even now where I am at in this process I still use my la la land and probably always will. Because I know for me giving that up is not an option I find ways for my la la land to still be a part of my life by using la la land when its not going to interfer with my daily life like when I am home alone and have nothing planned for the rest of the day, I use it when I go to sleep at night sometimes. Basically I am switching la la lands purpose. La La Land is slowly becoming a relaxation tool and I am taking care of me by using new coping tools instead of floating when I get triggered.

I don't have to give up la la land to be "healed" and you don't HAVE to give up the forest to be "healed" try switching the focus of it from being an escape to a relaxing vacation. It takes time and practice of making yourself use grounding techniques during stressful times and using your internal world during times when you just want to relax but it is worth it. I have both reality and la la land and its working out great for me. In fact doing this is actually helping me to heal and become more aware.

As for what my memorys believe - well they believe what they are - the content of the stored memory. Theres no changing that memorys are stored that way - as pieces of sounds, tastes, sights, smells, touches and feelings. and thats what they are always going to be. If its a smell memory that memory piece will always be that smell. I can't change my memorys but I can change how I react to them by finding out why I react the way I do and changing that reaction.

Hang in there (((((((Kimmydawn)))))))) it does get better and easier.

[z0ey]

u said kd ----- so while you're "remembering" and facing "evidence", allow us to give you some things to help you to even it out somewhat. you're not defined by what might be going on right now----

kd ,
without concerning myself with what this means ... im gonna hold onto it for what it is ... life perserver .... gonna go with this and hold on tight and stay afloat .. perhaps somtime when more able to do so we can figure out what this means --- as now i only have the energy to hold on.
u are to me more than u can know -- thanks once again ---

well i sort of lied i have the energy to hold on to my perserver and fling one your way -- here goes:
---hang in there kiddo i have to believe these turbid waters will give way to a babbling stream -- all we have to do is keep our heads above water long enough to get there --- it will be lovely kd when we get there --- right?

take care kd

wish i knew something more or better to say ...
lots of love kd
z

[mlyn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((kd)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[hillbunnyb]

))) ) ) )kd (( ( ((( ( bumpies hon

[Twisted_Soul]

(((for the child close inside)))

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
How do we tell her that her hurt was abuse
But that maybe fear overshadowed what was real

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think you just did.

[kimmydawn]

Thank you ((((((((myself)))))))))) you always give so much of yourself. Whether I relate or agree doesn't matter, I appreciate your giving and always have.

What I'm dealing with is knowing that this child feared death...yes, she did. You're right, that cannot be changed. However, the way that she views those fears in this world today can be changed, I feel. She still lives with that fear due to the abuser living 10-15 mins away.

It's a tough one, and needs to be dealt with because even though the fear was valid for the time, age and understanding...it was that...a fear based on belief.

I do believe that connections can be made and that changes the understanding. I believe it because I've experienced it...more than once.

While I do agree that the memories in and of themselves do not change as they're events that have passed, I do feel that that the understanding of the holders of these memories can be healed and freed. I've already experienced that.

Once again, I appreciate you.

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((zoey)))))))))))))))

thank you so much. you're right...i do believe it will be worth it. my journey so far has been so worth it, because even in pain, there's an amazing beauty of sheer resiliance.

yes, we will make it and it will be worth it.

much love,

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((mlyn))))))))))))))))

thank you always for your support.

kd

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((hillbunny)))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much. you always take the time to care.

how are you doing?

kd

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((((twistedsoul))))))))))))))))

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((sky))))))))))))))))

I think I'm starting to. Thank you always.

kd

you're welcome (((((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))) I feel the same way you give alot of yourself and sometime I agree and sometimes I don't. no matter if I agree or not you are always here for me no matter what. No one is going to agree with someone else 100% because we are not clones of eachother that have gone through the exact same abuse at the exact time in the exact same house and so on. All that really matters is that we are here for each other. Glad you're here ((((((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))) take care.

[pegasus]

kimmydawn,

I personally don't see anything wrong in the child having a "safe-place" to escape to.

It is very inventive and creative of her to be able to do that and probably saved her from an awful lot of pain at the time.

Some people might say that, this is a way of avoiding what happened, but actually it was a way of "surviving"

Healing takes time.

Hugs to you.

[kimmydawn]

well said ((((((((((myself)))))))))))))

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((pegasus)))))))))))

Thank you so much. I don't see one thing wrong with the safe place...it saved us, in alot of ways, from alot. I guess I was more talking about bringing this child into some kind of awareness of today.

kd

[pegasus]

kimmydawn,

Actually, I think you are gradually doing that!

I try to stay aware of what is going on too.

I have found that if this particular child-part is wanting to escape to a "safe place". I can ( in the here-and-now ) take her to a new safe place. Adult takes the child by the hand.

That means physically going out to a nice safe place. This shows her, "Hey! We really are safe now!"

I know that this process takes a long time, and it is very hard work.

Safe hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(((((((((((((((((((( kimmydawn )))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

that is my goal. thank you so much (((((((pegasus)))))))

kd

[LILITH]

{{{{{safe hugs kd}}}}}
Lilith