today i had the most difficult session. my T kept probing for details of what happens when i dissociate. I was the most scared that i have ever been with her. I wanted to change the subject and tried. I'm not sure why it was difficult. Its hard to tell someone how you break down when you come home.. i receed into a shell and the angry me comes up. why am i so scared to share? things only come up when im at home.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((ev))))))))))))))))

why would it be easy to share what's been hidden an eternity?

it's a FIGHT to let it out...nothing less. it will be the hardest, but most amazing thing, once you achieve.

Good wishes hon.

kd

[kimmydawn]

I want to explain that I didn't mean that first question in a confronting way...just to point out that I realize how difficult it is, and why...

love,

kd

tks.. kimmydawn

I was literally shaking after our session. it was so strange.. maybe my blood sugar was low. i wish i was better at talking 2 her. she was askin me why the only time my emotions come up is when im out of session writing emails... i just dont have an answer

((((( ev )))))

I was the same way. I would sit there and say "I'm fine thank you" then go home and fall to pieces.

I think mine was "conditioning." Trying all my life to convince myself I really was fine, I tried to convince her too.

AND trust is a huge issue for me. I would write in my journal and hand it to her then sit in silence the whole session while she read it.

She recently noted that I was sitting all the way back on the sofa. I have been perched on the edge, feet firmly planted on the floor, turned towards the door and ready to bolt for nine years.

I guess I'm starting to relax a little.

[Mahali]

I don't have a lot to offer more than what has been said.
Except that it is hard to share when you have been in situations that are not safe to share. Exposing the vulnerabilities to another leaves us feeling exposed. Trust is always the issue. It will come with time.

Take care.

If I had even a half a penny for all the times my therapist asked me a question and the words just are not there at that moment. Take for instance one time we were sitting down and she asked hi how are you? total blank on my end so what did I do ... threw a question back at her ....So what did you think about the Nancy J napeir stuff I gave you? her answer - I liked it and so did others here in the agency. how are you? Still a total blank on my end so I fired another question her way... Did you find the order form in the binder ok? Yes with a slight smile HOw are you? me with a smile back I was hoping I remembered to put it in there. My therapist decided to give up on that question and approached it by asking me a less broad question since I obviosly was not going to answer that one.- Did you go to the library today? yea I bla bla bla and we were off and talking.

not knowing what to say at sessions with therapists happens with me for a few different reasons depending on the therapist I worry about saying the right thing, others I dont care what I say so it sometimes gets me in hot water for being too mouthy. Other times I try to figure out the therapists mood first. I know well enough first hand that some things are better giving the therapist a little info at a time so they don't panic or react not based on what I am telling them but based on the type of day they are having.. Shoot can hit the fan for therapists too. So sometimes depending on what I am going to say I take the time to settle in and give the therapist time to settle in too. I know sometimes the things I come up with for my therapy plans totally blows a therapist mind so to speak. Im very original and the things I do at times to help fix a problem I am having is also very original. If Im not sure how that therapist is going to react I will either just go ahead and do it and then tell them after the fact or I write a letter to them. Sometimes I just don't think about telling the therapist something until the session is over and Im biking home and go "oh shoot I was going to tell her or ask her.,..." So again writing comes in handy.

When I got my present therapist She didn't know me and I didn't know her. From her reaction of being told about some of my original therapy projects before she saw them (a combo of curiosity, and is this for real, type look) along with her professional stiff type attitude at those first few sessions, I knew this was not a therapist to just say boom heres what ex therapist and I were working on with at least one of my "original ideas" therapy plans. First I gave her time to get to know me and I helped that along by giving her an edited version of my journals. As time went on the editing got less as she got to know me. I also let her see some of my artwork and crafts. Then I took in the main part of this original therapy project I hadn't told her about - a 36 inch high (when put together) 3 floor cardboard version of the house I grew up in. Didn't tell her what exactly it was going to be used for for well over 6 months - a year. we would just take time during our sessions putting it together and I would tell her a little bit about the layout of the house, made wall paper and paper carpets and so on. I basically let her get used to the size of this thing and that I grew up there. One day she asked so what are the plans for putting this house to rest and purpose type questions. so I figure give her short not complete answers to gage her reaction and then that night I wrote a 2-3 page letter detailing what my Idea for this house was and what exactly was the untraditional therapy work my ex therapist and I were planning. Then I took that letter to her office and left it with her. When she read it she was floored. It was a definate shock to her that I would come up with something like this - using Dissociation to cure dissociation idea of using my DID and a hypnosis technique modified and put together to find out what happened to cause this nightly nightmare that I have. She called me after hours to tell me how amazing me and my plans that I come up with for my therapy plans are and she was excited with working with me on my plan and we planned how to start incorpoating it into our sessions. Knowing her like I do now I know her reaction would have been the same two years ago if my past therapist and I had told her then what we were actually working on. But back then I couldn't be sure so I did what was best for me. I took it one step at a time and told her things in ways that I was comfortable - by journals and artwork. I didn't have a choice about telling her that I had DID and what my dissociative features were. The supervisor had assigned her my case because that therapist was the one in the agency that worked with DID's and people with dissociative features. Whether I liked her or not she was who I was assigned to because I have DID.

My personal opinion - your therapist is going to have a positive reaction to the fact that you have dissocaitive features. Everyone who is a human being has some sort of dissociative features because human being know how to daydream when they are bored or in situations that make them uncomfortable. Since its a part of human nature to do this your therapist has been trained on how the human brain physically and mentally works.

Do this however is best for you. You're the one paying for the sessions be it with cash or insurance and so on.

Do you keep a journal? if so how about taking a few pages in for her to read to get to know you. My journal entries include what goes on during sessions and how I feel about them right down to what I forgot to tell her and what I wasn't sure how to tell her. My journals broke the ice on many conversations and topics during those first 6 months of my seeing her. How about workbooks, and artwork or other projects that you may possibly do. those to helped me and my therapist get to know each other.

[z0ey]

i totally relate to this and it sux big time
been in T years and still "gr8 thanks and yourself"
dont have any solutions lol just to say it happens ... grrrr

heres hoping it gets easier? or better or something --
z