Has anyone confronted w/good outcome?

I have so many thoughts swirling around inside when I think about confronting the person who did things (s*x ab*s*) when I was little.

Has anyone ever confronted their abuser and had either a good or neutral outcome? Right now, I cannot imagine it going well.

If so, did you do a lot of preparation? Did you think beforehand that it might go well? Had the abuser ever been accused before (so they weren't blindsided by you)? Any other things that might help to know?

I do have weekly therapy and would not consider doing this in haste. I'm just now starting to consider confrontation as an option and don't want to wait until next Monday to talk to T about it. Plus, I value the experience of those who have been there, done that.

Elizabeth

It was a difficult time. I really don't want to go into details about my experience.

I'd suggest you have some kind of backup. If you choose to do it in person, have a trusted friend with you. Or, if you choose to do it by phone, have a trusted friend on another line listening. Recording the conversation would be beneficial. (You could use the recording to help you in a counseling session or maybe in court.)

Define for yourself reasons why you want to confront. Later, after you've confronted, you can reflect back and see how you accomplished your goals and see how doing so has helped you.

When and if you confront . . . realize that person will be in the defensive. His/her denials and/or apologizes will all be an attempt at sympathy from you. Remember, you are not responsible for his/her feelings.

I confronted and no it didn't go well at all. But I do know of one situation in which the conforntation went well.

I helped a 16 year old girl who showed up on my doorstep after I had spoke at her school. basically what happened was that because she was 16 she was able to choose where she wanted to live so the teen and I went to the local DHS and because they had already dealt with a sister of hers we were able to place her with her sister without alot of problems. her parents came to me looking for her and I told them to meet us at the local DHS office where we would be the next day getting her set up for foodstamps. Then I called the DHS caseworker and the teen and I arranged for the caseworker to be present and keep an eye out for her parants. we got there the next day. her parents were already there so we went into the caseworkers office and they tried to talk her into going home. She looked at him and said the only way she would return home was if her father turned himself in and got help. he tried to play dumb and she looked right at him and said you did this this and this to me you have one more child at home do you really think after both me and my sister left they are going to let you keep her and do the same. you need help and Im not coming home until you do what's right and I will take (sisters name) to live with (older adult sisters name) too. The father looked at the caseworker and said ok what do I need to do. He was arrested for sexual abuse of the 16 year old, spent a year in prison during which time the rest of the family got therapy and so on. When the father was released from prison one of his parole conditions was that he could not be in the company of minors without supervision and remain in therapy for a minimum of 5 years.

If you are thinking of confronting my advice is not to base how your confrontation will be on the above situation. Good outcomes are very rare and few.

out of all the times where I helped teens out of bad situations this was the only one in which it went well. and I believe that if we hadn't had the evidence of her older sister still on file and the evidence that we gathered (physical exam, pictures and so on) of that parents recent abuse of the teen he probably would not have given in so easily.

If you are thinking of confronting then find the worse case scenerio and prepare yourself for that. Then if it does not end up being a worse case scenerio you are good to go and if it does end up being the worse case scenerio then you are prepared for anything that could possibly happen.

When I confronted I was threatened with bodily harm, threatened with arrest for slander and libel, threatened with being committed to a mental health unit, I called everything in print and then some, my friends were also threatened with harm, arrest and so on as was the therapy agency, and anyone else I had contact with during that time frame.

If you are planning to confront please be safe. Take time to plan out where and when. If there is a possibility of harm to you arrange to disclose in a public place, your therapist office, at a police station, DHS building, a crisis center and so on so that the risk of harm to you will not be immediate and you will have a change to get away. A friend of mine set up her disclosure in her therapist office and then went directly from the therapy office into a domestic violence shelter and through their underground network of shelters and so on gained freedom from her abuser.

good luck and take care.

In the long run it was a good outcome... today I am glad that I finally took the initiative and spoke up (many times over).


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thank you, jennie, myself, and Rhapsody. I gather from your posts that it is very difficult to do the confrontation. You all have given me good food for thought. I'm very much on the fence about the whole idea, but there is not consensus about this with my alters yet (a few think that it may be necessary). I will really have to put some thought into what I would be trying to accomplish. Mine is a situation of confronting a parent 25 years after it stopped. I really don't know what I'll do, but I have plenty of time to mull it over.

Thanks again,

Elizabeth

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
OneAndMany said:
I will really have to put some thought into what I would be trying to accomplish. Mine is a situation of confronting a parent 25 years after it stopped.
Thanks again,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(smiles)
That is exactly when my healing took place..... 25 years after it all stopped - I finally let loose and said what was on my mind to both my mother and my abuser.... nothing was held back and I did not care who was in the room to hear it all.

My T gave me the for my emotional awaking.

It was an empowering moment that set me FREE - Yes FREE at last....


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I also forgot to add that confrontation is not necessary for a person to heal. I know many survivors in fact when I was doing my public speaking engagements I met many many survivors th at had decided not to do the confrontations. their decision was made on many foactors - the type of relationship they now have with or without their abusers in their lives, the amount of years that have gone by, the fact that after so many years prosecution was not possible for them, their abuser lives miles away from them or is dead so confrontation is not possible, or it is just too dangerious physically because of threats of harm and death to the survivor, and also based on the fact that confrontation with the abuser is not necessary to heal. a person can take care of their depression, and other mental problems with out standing in front of their abuser and saying you did this this and this to me and I want this this and this (pay my therapy costs, abuser to enter therapy, not have unsupervised contact with children under 18 and so on from the abuser.

Before a person confronts they need to decide why they are going to confront and what they want out of the confrontation. There is always a reason behind the confrontation be it they wanted the abuser to know they are not going to hide the abuse anymore, they want the abuser to appologize, they want the abuser to enter therapy, they want the abuser to pay for the therapy the survivor needs, the abuser has contact with other children so they want others to know what the abuser did so that the children in contact with the abuser will be protected.

There are therapeutic approaches to confrontation that will achieve the same result that a face to face confrontation would or could possibly give for example-

role playing with a therapist where the therapist takes on the role of the abuser and during therapy the survivor "confronts the abuser" by telling the therapist who is role playing as the abuser what the abuser did to the person and how it made the survivor feel and what the survivor wants from the abuser.

Writing a letter to an abuser and giving it to the therapist.

imagining a chair is the abuser and the survivor tells the chair (abuser) what they did to them and how it made them feel and what they want from the abuser. The therapist speaks for the chair (abuser) sometimes which makes it even more real.

Confronting under normal circumstances is hard but I found that it was even harder for me because I am DID. most of my memories were separated and stored unconsciously so unless I was dissociated I pretty much could not tell my abuser what I experienced and felt. At the time I had confronted I had only two memories and they were relatively recent with in a few years of my confrontation so I knew if my abuser pushed it into my having to prosecute him I could sit in a court room witness stand and talk about those two situations from the point of view of I knew they happened but not from the point of view of feeling it and experiencing it. It was this type of situation why most DID's that I know did not confront - in order to confront they had to be dissociated in order to tell what had happened to them so they figured why tell if they could not experience the telling and the feelings afterwards of relief that they told and so on.

It was not impossible for me to confront my abuser but with out dissociating I only had limited knowledge of what I could tell, and even that resulted in my self injury problems escalating because I have an audio memory that replays saying things like "shut up" "don't tell" and if I go against that vioce the urge to hurt myself gets very strong. I can now after 20 plus year of therapy go against that voice but back when I confronted it lead to my being hospitalized at least once that I remember.

So if anyone is DID and are considering confronting they should most definately work on before, during and after care with their therapists so that safety precautions can be put in place and so on.

I wasn't ready when I tried even the smallest confrontation. All I did was call and listen to his voice on the answering machine. I cried for hours uncontrollably and it took weeks to get over the horror of that voice. I don't know what I planned to do if he had answered himself, but I guess that shows just how not ready I was.

But I did learn a few things from this experience. As with any other part of recovery, be gentle with yourself and be patient with yourself. Of course, be ready for big steps when you take them. But also be proud of the courage you are showing in even making it this far to even think about confrontation. It really shows that you want to assert yourself and your rights. To me, it shows you standing up for yourself. You can be proud of that even if you decide now is not the time to confront, if ever. No matter what, you are reclaiming yourself and that is worth rejoicing.

Be well,

mtd

Wow, thank you, mtd. That feels so good to hear you say that I should be proud. It does take a lot of strength just to even think about doing it. I really appreciate your support.

Elizabeth

myself

Jennie