She claims she's only kidding but if I go to her house to visit, it will take a while for her to notice me. "Oh it's Calista!" after I've been there a good 20minutes. Then she re tells the story of how she didn't believe she had a baby when I was born. That tells me she does not want to acknowledge my existence. The pain it causes is horrible and at times makes me very self destructive. There is a possibility that my mother is disociative; I guess that would explain a lot.

[Rcbraden]

All you can do is love her. My daughter is bi- polar, diagnosed, not that I needed it to be. She would love to just relate as everyone else. I know how much it hurts her that she feels out of control at times...no matter how she tries to compensate. I get my feelings hurt, but I have learned to let it go just as quickly because I take into consideration her point of view.
Look, I am probably really out of line for saying all this. That is my issue. I should keep my big fat mouth shut. Please forgive my blather.

All the best to you. And if you have advice for me I would greatly appreciate.

Originally Posted by Rcbraden

All you can do is love her. My daughter is bi- polar, diagnosed, not that I needed it to be. She would love to just relate as everyone else. I know how much it hurts her that she feels out of control at times...no matter how she tries to compensate. I get my feelings hurt, but I have learned to let it go just as quickly because I take into consideration her point of view.
Look, I am probably really out of line for saying all this. That is my issue. I should keep my big fat mouth shut. Please forgive my blather.

All the best to you. And if you have advice for me I would greatly appreciate.

Please don't apologise. Thank you for telling me about your situation. Yes, it must be hard for your daughter, but for you also. It hurts us, as parents to see our children hurting.
I do love my mother. I try to over look a lot. Being dissociative and depressed myself, it's hard not to take things very personally.
Does your daughter have bipolar 1? How old is she? It is an awful feeling to be out of control. You sound like such a good parent. I wish I knew some advice that would be helpful. You are already doing what I would suggest...Love her with all your heart.

Oh and welcome to PC! I saw that you are new here.

[Rcbraden]

She is my youngest, at 25. She has been dealing with it from an early age, i just didn't know what was wrong. She was officially diagnosed when she was living about 2000 miles away nearly 2 years ago. I don't really know that much about it, just what we have dealt with, with her. When we sought help around here...farm town mostly, the doc said ADD. And that was all the help we got. so We worked on it on our own. Has your mom tried to get any help?

I felt for your situation so much, because it sounded so familiar. I don't think anyone can hurt you more than someone you love. it is like their filters are different than most people.

Does your mom ever show remorse for the way she treats you? Do you ever tell her how it makes you feel?

I am the one and only official "mental patient " in the family. No one else would even think there was anything wrong with them. I gave up telling my mother things that hurt because she cannot see it at all and I don't want to hurt her further. My mpother never realises she's said or done anything wrong. Like I said, since I'm the only one with a dx, it's all on me.
That must be so hard with your daughter living far away. Is she in therapy or on meds? I really feel for you. When my daughter got sick in NY, I went crazy trying to help her.

I'm sorry, Calista. It does sound like she has some unresolved issues of her own not that it's an excuse for how she treats you. It certainly isn't.

[Perna]

I think I would try "kidding" back. "OMG, it's my mother, what are you doing here????"

Originally Posted by Perna

I think I would try "kidding" back. "OMG, it's my mother, what are you doing here????"

That's the closest I've been to smiling all day. Good one, Perna.

[Hunny]

Calista12

I don't get around here much but I thought I would check your thread b/c I remembered your name and something of a good feeling I have around it.

Perna you made me guffaw out loud. That is a good one.

Calista12 I was thinking last night there should be something between abandonment and neglect, a word to represent the truth of what can transpire between a mother and child. My mother didn't want another child and so the dye was cast upon my birth and that of the next sibling as well.

It's a kind of place, a sad one you get used to in a way but every-now-and-again the sadness strikes home because I didn't ask to be born either. She would never let me say those words out loud to her because I think she was afraid of what she might say back to me. But, there was always this underlying 'something' ...you know it is describable but it does not have one word (that I know of anyway); that is the word I'm talking about. It hurt me terribly when I learned she had tried to abort me. Not right away, but after I let it sink in or strike that place within me that has tender, tender feelings. It seemed not right but on the other hand it was who I was so what can you do...you know what I mean?

I think women of my mom's day had pressures that I don't know if I'll ever understand fully what with being raised in the depression and WWII. She passed away when I was 25 and I don't think I've ever felt such overwhelming grief. It hurt so bad and yet I know I was raised under a cloud of not being wanted so why did I feel so sad when she left? It is confusing.

Sounds like you are doing the best you can with your Mom Calista12 . It can be pretty confusing, the feelings that come up around the Moms that is for sure.

You are courageous.

[likewater]

I like Perna's answer. :-). Calista, i understand. My mom won't let us call her mom and tried to k*ll us. It hurts. It hurts deeply. I have friends i call mom. I have a Mama Jackie. My higher power is also my parent, but i had to accept that my biological mother is unable to parent. It has nothing to do with me. It's her problem and it is very sad and loney- for her. My life can still be rich and joyful-
without her as it turns out. Hugs to you if that's ok.

[KeepGoing8]

I also know how you feel Calista...I am the one officially diagnosed as a depressive, but my mother's been so consistently distant and depressed throughout my life, that most people chalk it up to, "that's just her personality..." sooo, when I act distant and self-isolate, it's Depression, but when she does the same, it's "just her personality"? Hm. My realization that she was, and is, in fact a Depressive like me, with a depressive mother of her own and alcoholic father...a lot of the self-blame and self-hate I had developed from the emotional neglect and abuse, lifted from my shoulders...a little bit at least The stigma attached to depression, BP, DID, and pretty much all the psychiatric "disorders" is STILL a problem even today, and back in my mom and grandma's days...it was ABSOLUTELY NOT talked about...much less admitted and dealt with. I had the great experience of interviewing my mother for a paper in my Psychology of Women class about the stigma attached to Depression and her personal experience with said stigma. She confided that she had NO CLUE what depression even was until she saw a PSA on the bus about the symptoms of depression, and had the sudden realization that, "Holy Crap! That's me!"
It's really tricky: I am still angry at my mom for all the neglect and abuse, but I also know that to grow and move on, I have to accept that she was struggling just like me, without any explanation or support, and by being part of a long line of depressives/alcoholics-in-denial, the only way she was taught to raise a child was in that distant, cold, and critical way. She knows no other way of parenting.
I am sorry your mother is hurting you the way she is. Please realize that her treatment of you has far more to do with her own issues and inadequacies as a parent than it has to do with your character or "inadequacies as a daughter".

[Uthia]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

She claims she's only kidding but if I go to her house to visit, it will take a while for her to notice me. "Oh it's Calista!" after I've been there a good 20minutes. Then she re tells the story of how she didn't believe she had a baby when I was born. That tells me she does not want to acknowledge my existence. The pain it causes is horrible and at times makes me very self destructive. There is a possibility that my mother is disociative; I guess that would explain a lot.

Hi from Uthia,
My mom has disowned me for six years. This is due to a family Law case I was fighting and since won involving abuse of my daughter by her dad. Wierd thing is, she knows about all of it and reported abuse to the SS for two years that would may one get sick to their stomach. She go a security lock door but on her front door and got a restrainning order that was based on lies that my brother supported. I went to jail, after just sitting outside her home telling her in the name of Jesus I need you and your support.
I went to jail, was abandonded completely by her but kept going anyway in saving my daughter from abuse. I was abused by her. It does not make any sense to me now or then. she is now asking me to write to her but does not write anything back. She will not talk to me on the phone or let me come over to see her. I just want peace, to have her as my mom, her love. But she is so mentally ill I don't think I can change her even if I forgive and forget what she did to hurt me. That makes me sad and angry as she should be held accountable for the treatment she did to me. Anyhow, if she doesn't change her tone and attempt to communicate (also for my daughter's sake) I will have to let go, let God, period. I accept that. It is not healthy for me to subject myself or my daughter to her pathologies if they are inbedded in her psychi. Right? Right me back please.

Hi Uthia
I am sorry to hear how your mother abused you and your daughter. You're very brave to go to those lengths to save your daughter. You will prevent another series of abuse from happening.
It's confusing to have ones own mother treat us like this, isn't it? It's crazy making.
You are being the hero in your daughter's life and should feel proud of that.

Originally Posted by Uthia

Hi from Uthia,
My mom has disowned me for six years. This is due to a family Law case I was fighting and since won involving abuse of my daughter by her dad. Wierd thing is, she knows about all of it and reported abuse to the SS for two years that would may one get sick to their stomach. She go a security lock door but on her front door and got a restrainning order that was based on lies that my brother supported. I went to jail, after just sitting outside her home telling her in the name of Jesus I need you and your support.
I went to jail, was abandonded completely by her but kept going anyway in saving my daughter from abuse. I was abused by her. It does not make any sense to me now or then. she is now asking me to write to her but does not write anything back. She will not talk to me on the phone or let me come over to see her. I just want peace, to have her as my mom, her love. But she is so mentally ill I don't think I can change her even if I forgive and forget what she did to hurt me. That makes me sad and angry as she should be held accountable for the treatment she did to me. Anyhow, if she doesn't change her tone and attempt to communicate (also for my daughter's sake) I will have to let go, let God, period. I accept that. It is not healthy for me to subject myself or my daughter to her pathologies if they are inbedded in her psychi. Right? Right me back please.

I forgot to say, I think you are doing the right thing.You can't let her illness harm you or your daughter any more. Let go and let God....

[Uthia]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I forgot to say, I think you are doing the right thing.You can't let her illness harm you or your daughter any more. Let go and let God....

Thank you for your input!!!!! My mom is nuts. I can't afford to allow her to hurt my daughter more than she already has. Now my daughter is free after fighting for her freedom since she was 15 months old. ---- I broke the cycle!!!!!!!!! Not without fear, terror and fighting this battle alone, even representing myself in court when I ran out of money to have a hired attorney to represent me and protect her and my best interests----
I was attempting to relate to the family including mom, but she would attempt to support the abusive dad again and attempt to discredit me.
This is dangerious for my baby, she is 15 yrs old now and has a lot of rights, thank God.
However, mom and my brother do not want her with me due to a large inheratence and I believe they fear I will sue them for what they did to me.

Not sure of the statues of limitations on civil law, but If I could, I would go after them for what they did to me and her.

I am married and provide a peaceful and nuturing environment for my daughter. Once very depressed, now she is blooming like a rose. I will never subject her to possible harassment and mal treatment from my "family" Dad is a millionare. Mom is pretty rich too. But I can't conform to communicating with them due to the fear that I will end up with nnothing.
I am pretty broke, well enough however, so I think that cutting the family off right now would be best for my daughter's welfare until she can speak her mind to them at 18 without fear of retaliation.
Calista+12
-Don't know. My entire family is sick. My sister hit my stomach when I was pregnant at 28 and she knew I was pregnant.
She beat me up all my life. Hitting me, ripping my hair out, brusing my body, throughing me out of windows. hitting my head into the pavement.
I was six when she started this up to when I was pregnant.
There is so much more.
Dad lives for money and has no heart. He is not trustworthy and would choose his money over any of his kids life if that was a choice he had to make. It would be a no brainer for him. He was poor when little and his mom and dad did not want him. Wanted to adopted him out. He hates his dad who died and he told him off on his death bed. His mom, my grandma died and he has major issues with her too. Still at 74 years old. I don't know if I can trust him. I have confide in him a bit. He saids I can "trust" him. But he is like a snake, in the grass, saying trust me, I will not hurt you...right before he kills you and bites the life out of you in the neck!
From Uthia

[Uthia]

Let Go Let God, you are right!

I think depending on what state you live in, there is no statute of limitations for child abuse. Do what you think is right for you and your daughter.