So today my pdoc kept talking to me, he went on and on, asking me all sorts of questions, going over all my history and talking about stuff, that was actually triggering and I was so confused, because I've been with this Pdoc for ages. Until finally 45 minutes into the session he said something and it caused me to switch. It made me switch to someone who is very educated and blunt and can quite easily become a little aggressive even, if you let her.

Last time the pdoc saw me I was also not myself. I remember the meeting sitting in the passengers seat, I remember he was complete quiet as he watched me interact with my team. I turned to him and said "Who the ***** is this guy and why is he so silent". I also pointed to two of my caseworkers and told them to "let them go, look at them, they're bored". My old therapist was so shocked by my behavior that he asked me "are you messing with us?" I of course answered "***** yes I am". I was not messing with anybody. I'm actually a little offended he asked me that, although it appeared that part was not.

I have seen myself act like that before, but never in front of them.

So fastforward to today and pdoc is sitting here talking to me forever about all this triggering stuff and then I make a switch and even though I was in this fog, the switching fog, I could tell that was his objective. So this blunt part asks him "Did you just do that on purpose"? "What?" "MAKE ME SWITCH BY TALKING ABOUT BAD STUFF!?" "I'm just trying to understand what you go through". "That wasn't right!" "Can you bring Lydia back?" "No I can't, she's gone, you scared her off".

So his idea was to see me switch? He could have just waited. I feel so deceived. I was like giving out information. Because he's my pdoc. Because I trust him, and he used that information to create a switch in me. Not okay.

I was really glad that I switched to somebody who told him off though. He then refused to make a medication change at the end, because I wouldn't switch back. I told him "I can't just switch, I don't know how".

Is that even possible??? I can't manipulate my system like that, at least not yet. He said since Lydia had no power over what medication change was going on, that he didn't want to do it. I told him she was fine with it. He wouldn't listen. I tried to explain to him, that I, Lydia and another part share the body the most, and that only 25% of the time is he actually talking to Lydia, although he may not know it and we make joint decisions all the time. But he wouldn't listen. He said he wanted to speak to her. I told him. "You never spoke to her to begin with". Meaning she wasn't there the entire appt. He thought Lydia gave all the background, etc. But she didn't. I did. So then he got upset and said we needed more therapy.

But were functional like this? I told him we're all safe parts who are responsibile and unharmful. He didn't take it very well. So now he thinks this whole system we have running is screwed up, but it's the only thing we have that's kept us from being screwed up.

Sorry I'm just venting...

[Roseheart101]

Hi Lydia,

Thanks for telling your story. It was interesting to me. I had a similar experience.

I went to a new psychiatrist because I was having trouble with the first one (another story) and I enjoyed talking to him but I was a little annoyed because he told me that he had a girlfriend in high school that had the same first name as I did. But I thought oh well, that kind of stuff always happens to me and I can deal with it. At the end of the session he wrote out the prescription for me. I vaguely remember spelling my last name. He handed it to me and I put it in my purse.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the store and went to hand it to the pharmacy and it had a totally different last name on it. Of course I had to take it back to the psychiatrist and have him do it again.

At this time I did not know I had DID, so I thought he accidentally put in his ex girl friend's last name instead of mine. Haha. The joke was on me.

[Roseheart101]

Also Lydia,

I am sorry for your experience with your pdoc. I don't think a lot of people (including health care professionals) understand the problem. That is still not an excuse for what he did. Do you still want to go to him? Or do you want to go to another person.?

Good luck and hugs!

Roseheart101- I can't believe he didn't look at your chart for your last name instead of asking you.

And yea... I've been with him for going on three years, he's a good guy, he just messed up this once.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Roseheart101

Hi Lydia,

Thanks for telling your story. It was interesting to me. I had a similar experience.

I went to a new psychiatrist because I was having trouble with the first one (another story) and I enjoyed talking to him but I was a little annoyed because he told me that he had a girlfriend in high school that had the same first name as I did. But I thought oh well, that kind of stuff always happens to me and I can deal with it. At the end of the session he wrote out the prescription for me. I vaguely remember spelling my last name. He handed it to me and I put it in my purse.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the store and went to hand it to the pharmacy and it had a totally different last name on it. Of course I had to take it back to the psychiatrist and have him do it again.

At this time I did not know I had DID, so I thought he accidentally put in his ex girl friend's last name instead of mine. Haha. The joke was on me.

that has happened to me too. I would vaguely remember spelling what I thought was my last name only to find prescriptions, paperwork, bills... contained different last names. before knowing I had DID I would chalk it up to things like boy that psychiatrist really needs to clean his ears out, or maybe he misheard me... turned out my vaguely remembering to spell my last name was a thought while dissociated and an alter was telling him their last name and how to spell the alters last name.

this happening turned out to be a good thing because after diagnosis my therapist and I were able to round up some files (school, medical and mental health files) and use them to develop a file of who my alters were and about when they would come forwards ie triggers / jobs / purposes.

I once asked my treatment provider who mentioned my name was the same as ... I was told doing that is a memory technique he uses so that he was able to keep who was who and what their problems were straight in his long list of clients.. this ones name was "like his relative" or that one "he once met a pet owner who has a pet named that of a client and the pet owner dressed the poor animal in baby clothing".. after I found out it was just a memory technique for memorizing names he wanted to remember I didnt feel so offended.

Suggestion may be you can ask your psychiatrist why he did that and he might tell you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

So today my pdoc kept talking to me, he went on and on, asking me all sorts of questions, going over all my history and talking about stuff, that was actually triggering and I was so confused, because I've been with this Pdoc for ages. Until finally 45 minutes into the session he said something and it caused me to switch. It made me switch to someone who is very educated and blunt and can quite easily become a little aggressive even, if you let her.

Last time the pdoc saw me I was also not myself. I remember the meeting sitting in the passengers seat, I remember he was complete quiet as he watched me interact with my team. I turned to him and said "Who the ***** is this guy and why is he so silent". I also pointed to two of my caseworkers and told them to "let them go, look at them, they're bored". My old therapist was so shocked by my behavior that he asked me "are you messing with us?" I of course answered "***** yes I am". I was not messing with anybody. I'm actually a little offended he asked me that, although it appeared that part was not.

I have seen myself act like that before, but never in front of them.

So fastforward to today and pdoc is sitting here talking to me forever about all this triggering stuff and then I make a switch and even though I was in this fog, the switching fog, I could tell that was his objective. So this blunt part asks him "Did you just do that on purpose"? "What?" "MAKE ME SWITCH BY TALKING ABOUT BAD STUFF!?" "I'm just trying to understand what you go through". "That wasn't right!" "Can you bring Lydia back?" "No I can't, she's gone, you scared her off".

So his idea was to see me switch? He could have just waited. I feel so deceived. I was like giving out information. Because he's my pdoc. Because I trust him, and he used that information to create a switch in me. Not okay.

I was really glad that I switched to somebody who told him off though. He then refused to make a medication change at the end, because I wouldn't switch back. I told him "I can't just switch, I don't know how".

Is that even possible??? I can't manipulate my system like that, at least not yet. He said since Lydia had no power over what medication change was going on, that he didn't want to do it. I told him she was fine with it. He wouldn't listen. I tried to explain to him, that I, Lydia and another part share the body the most, and that only 25% of the time is he actually talking to Lydia, although he may not know it and we make joint decisions all the time. But he wouldn't listen. He said he wanted to speak to her. I told him. "You never spoke to her to begin with". Meaning she wasn't there the entire appt. He thought Lydia gave all the background, etc. But she didn't. I did. So then he got upset and said we needed more therapy.

But were functional like this? I told him we're all safe parts who are responsibile and unharmful. He didn't take it very well. So now he thinks this whole system we have running is screwed up, but it's the only thing we have that's kept us from being screwed up.

Sorry I'm just venting...

lydia Im sorry that happened to you. its happened to me too.

for me it happened many times. sometimes I would ask my psychiatrist why he triggered me on purpose so that I would switch alters. the first time it happened was because he was verifying my diagnosis. periodically my psychiatrist needed to fill out forms ... insurance and otherwise.. that ask for my diagnosis. in order to do that he had to verify whether I still switched into two or more alternate personalities that meet the diagnostic criteria. to do that he must talk with at least two alters that fit the diagnostic criteria.

another reason he did it to me was to find out a complete listing of what medications I was on. most if not all people with DID are on all kinds of meds like antidepressants, sometimes during a med appointment an alter will pop out and the result is the person ends up on meds for the alters problems not the host problems. by triggering me into switching the psychiatrist can be assured he's not going to give me meds that was going to be counter productive to the meds that the alters were on, or change a dosage and end up overdosing the whole of me - alters and host. working with medications with me was a very tricky thing before I was integrated. I once landed in the hospital because a psychiatrist did not know I was DID and an alter was on one drug that should not have been mixed with what he prescribed and another alter was already on the meds he prescribed so he should not have prescribed that meds for me the host.

it used to make me very mad to go to a meds appointment and come out of it with no new medication but after ending up in the hospital for accidental overdose from being over prescribed and psychiatrist error in prescribing the wrong medication for the combo I was on, I was much happier when my psychiatrist does take the time to check all avenues including making me talk about triggering stuff so he can get at the alters. now that Im integrated I dont need to worry so much.

another reason my psychiatrist gave me for times when he would trigger me into switching alters was because thats what therapy with DID is... talking about triggering stuff, learning how to handle my triggers / problems/ dissociative issues. If I didnt talk about triggering stuff that happened to me those things would remain bottled up inside causing me even more problems /dissociative issues and triggers. In order to heal mentally I had to talk about all those triggering things.

Just thought you would like to know I went through it too and why my own treatment providers did it.

[wanttoheal]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

another reason he did it to me was to find out a complete listing of what medications I was on.

This makes sense to me. I've found prescriptions for medications when I didn't even know I've gone to the Dr. I've also gotten calls about bills with Drs that didn't get paid because I didn't even know I went. Thankfully they were for simple things like allergies, flu, ears, etc, but I can well imagine it could very easily happen with psychiatric drugs as well.

Lydia, I'm so sorry you felt upset with that situation. I've had similar happen. It's very upsetting when thinking they might have done it on purpose but not knowing what the purpose was. For me, it makes me feel unsafe because I'm such a secret keeper. I hope you are able to get some resolution with your pdoc.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

to do that he must talk with at least two alters that fit the diagnostic criteria.

This makes sense, but he would have made me hate him much less by telling me this was the reason after the fact. lol.

wanttoheal- I have medical bills that I don't even know exist also. I don't know how many, how large the bills are, etc or even if they're under my name. ( I would assume they would have to be, usually they make you give a social security number?) I used to have a big yellow envelope I called the envelope of stress. It contained all or most of the bills that my mom had collected for me, while I was in all the bajillions of hospitals I was in. I was told by my therapist at the time I wasn't allowed to look at it, until I could at least keep myself alive. At one point in that process, I took the envelope and trashed it. It's sort of funny though, for some reason those bills didn't bring down my credit score very much.

[Roseheart101]

Thanks for sharing. It helps me know that others are having a similar problem. It made me feel guilty, really, at first. But not so bad now. "HUGS!"

[likewater]

Lydia, i'm sorry this happened and you felt badly. I think sometimes our providers forget to recognize what we have that is working . There are so many things going on that they cannot see and measure and document and quantify. My T keeps giving me tests when i wish she would just really, really listen. Listen with her soul. Listen deep and stop trying to categorize me. Just listen.

[GypsyRosalie]

I'm so scared to actually go to a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever. I don't trust myself or alters to switch or not, and I don't know my triggers. How do you even find that out? How did you get diagnosed? I joined this online community because I just feel so helpless.
Good luck with your therapist. I don't trust anyone, so I can relate to the feeling of invasion by someone coaxing your switch.

[Roseheart101]

Originally Posted by likewater

Lydia, i'm sorry this happened and you felt badly. I think sometimes our providers forget to recognize what we have that is working . There are so many things going on that they cannot see and measure and document and quantify. My T keeps giving me tests when i wish she would just really, really listen. Listen with her soul. Listen deep and stop trying to categorize me. Just listen.

Hi Likewater,

I think you have a good point. It is probably almost impossible to categorize DID. For example when I take the "Sanity Quiz" on this site I have 5 serious mental health problems and 9 minor ones. But I consider myself to be quite sane and coping relatively well.

Another experience I had was when I started dating a LCSW. I didn't know what was up and neither did he, but after almost every date he would say, "You know what? I think you have/are__________" Everytime it was something different. He thought I had ADHD, Depression, Bipolar, Schizoid Disorder, Borderline, Addictions, and even Alzheimers. The fact is, DID just doesn't fit nicely into a category because it can be all the categories at once.

I agree that the best thing a T can do is to listen. It is so difficult to connect with another human and yet it is the most important. I hope your T will listen to you more.

[Roseheart101]

Originally Posted by GypsyRosalie

I'm so scared to actually go to a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever. I don't trust myself or alters to switch or not, and I don't know my triggers. How do you even find that out? How did you get diagnosed? I joined this online community because I just feel so helpless.
Good luck with your therapist. I don't trust anyone, so I can relate to the feeling of invasion by someone coaxing your switch.

Hi GypsyRosalie,

I can understand your fear of going to a therapist. I think that is very normal. The first time I went to a psychologist, I felt like Alice in Wonderland down in the rabbit hole because all the doors in the building looked twenty feet tall and all the ceilings looked slanted. It is still scary the first time with anyone, because I feel vulnerable. Sometimes it doesn't work and you have to start over with someone else. But that's all right.

Truthfully, I never knew I had DID till I went to my current therapist for the first time and complained that I felt stupid because I kept forgetting things and I was afraid to drive because I was zoning out. He told me he thought I had DID. Since that time, I could see it explained a lot.

This is a good community. I like to read the postings of all the others. It helps me realize I am not alone and to understand myself better. I am glad you are here. So many in the community have so much more experience than I do and there are so many kind ones. Welcome!

Likewater- "My T keeps giving me tests when i wish she would just really, really listen. Listen with her soul. Listen deep and stop trying to categorize me. Just listen."

I hope that you find a T like that. I used to have a T (and probably my current T is like this also, I hope, but can't judge yet), that just poured his entire heart into my therapy and just LISTENED to me. I had been through so many crappy therapists who all just either looked at me baffled or looked at me with eyes a glitter. He got me so far and built some serious foundation for me to work with when I finally did get diagnosed.

GypsieRosalie- I wouldn't worry about switching in front of providers. Honestly 9.5/10 they have no idea you switched anyway, because average providers aren't trained to notice. My psychiatrist never noticed and I was even diagnosed prior to coming to him. Although I did a basic hiding of medical information, because I just wasn't ready to accept the diagnosis. So he didn't know. When I was more ready, more accepting, I ended up in a trauma unit, going in initially for my PTSD, although suspected DID. (Already confirmed, but I kept my mouth shut, I didn't want it to spoil their diagnosis at this point. I didn't want to look back and say "Oh well I don't have DID, they only followed what the first guy said". I didn't want to give my denial alter anymore ammunition.)

So I went to the unit and I was so sick at the time, that to people who specialized in the illness, they were actually shocked that people who didn't specialize, didn't catch on. I went years without a known diagnosis. They went back through old medical records (the previous DID diagnosis omitted, for some reason my system really wanted that hidden for many years) and eventually came to the conclusion that I didn't just have PTSD, I also had DID. After I left the unit, my inpatient specialist had a little "session" with my outpatient psychiatrist, who knew nothing of dissociative disorders, at all and he went on a mission to find out more.

[GypsyRosalie]

I don't know if my whole system is ready. They push me out of my own drivers seat. Sometimes I watch from the passenger side, other's it's like I've been kidnapped. One of them is definitely a denial alter too, and if he/she (? i haven't been able to meet or even differentiate very well other than Nina) takes over, I've been told I deny it all.
The reason I worry about switches is that I don't know what triggers. Nina won't let me talk if she wants to protect me.
Cas