[Eva1nder]

Does anyone feel so apart from themselves that not only they don't recognize themselves, but there really isn't anything left.

When someone asks me a question about myself..."do you work?" "what would make you happy?" etc. .... I look like a deer caught in the headlights.

Basically it's been like this and progressively gotten worse as far as feeling apart from myself and not having an identity, but I feel like i'm barely holding onto anything.

I am really anxious over it and my t said last time she saw me that I was depressed. I said no that I just had no connection to myself or what I wanted out of life. I live only for my son and that's it really.

Now since I last spoke with her I'm wondering because now I am wanting to just sleep. More anxious and wanting to avoid everyone and even eating less then before...wanting to just fade away.

It just freaks me out to not have anything and others to start seeing it.

I'm babbling. Just was wondering if anyone else get's this.

[hillbunnyb]

Ah yes, "deer in the headlights" moments, not my faves either.
"How in God's name am I supposed to answer that one?...." my tongue tied by too many complicated answers, funny noises can pop out instead of a cogent answer...... left feeling like a reeling blurr of question marks-- all out of reach??

I remember that being my basic state. Lotsa therapy and hard work and time and it does get better. Learning to ride with ourselves through our cycles, what I call sea legs, is one of the skills I have found very useful. Everthing cycles on through-- if I don't figure it out this round, it'll be back for another look someday, that I know.

Getting through the low times, I try to balance "giving in" (pulling up the covers and hibernating) with coaxing myself out from under: I use "the dark chocolate treat" method or the "the bunnies need something" guilt method to make myself move..... take care of myself (like eat good food).......

Once, when I was so stuck in limbo, I made lists. One list was all the things I belived, that defined how I approach life. One list was all the things I can do (as opposed to my can'ts). It took a lot of thought. I kept the lists handy for quite a while, to jot realizations as I dove deeper into myself. At some point I started to know who I am, really.

Love for your kid is great motivation too. And sometimes meds help to push some of the biggest boulders off the road..... One bit at a time. Hang in there. Keep us posted, ok?

[January]

(((((((((((((( Eva )))))))))))))))

I know all too well. We'll talk about this in pms or chat. Today is a hard day to do it. Hang on!!! You need something for the depression. Can you talk to your pdoc or MD?

Hugs,

Jan

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((eva))))))))))))))))))))

i so understanding the freaking when people recognize...for me it feels vulnerable and naked.

however, if t is helping to point this out to you, looking at it openly could be the first step in saying goodbye to it? i sure hope so.

it's good to see you and we're here for you.

kd

[Eva1nder]

You seem to be able to identify and have some good ideas.

I went to my T today and I think I'm depressed and also in a "mixed" state.

The lists do sound good, but then a moment later I'm sinking.

They are switching me to a different T that specializes in certain areas that my pdoc thinks I fit and also some kind of group thing the T runs.

They want me in that. So I'll go thursday to see if I fit in there.

Ty for understanding and your input was good and maybe I can down the road mention those lists and get some help making them.

*hugs*

[Eva1nder]

(((((( Jan ))))))))

You have good insight and know me well. This week I see more clearly I'm depressed and sinking. I went in today to see my t and pdoc.

I hope you are doing well ...I know you have so much on your plate though.

You're a sweetheart.

Ty for responding to me and caring



You're a real

[Eva1nder]

(((((((((((( kimmy )))))))))))

Ty ...it's very good to see you.

I sorta feel like I'm in a black hole right now. My T keeps saying she doesn't like the way I am and never saw me like this and that I make her nervous.

Then she must have spoken to the pdoc and when she saw me she asked me why I look the way I do...am I losing weight? ... I said I eat a lil ..so I dunno?

She turned around and said " I think you don't eat...that's what I think".

That isn't the case, but you know what I sometimes would rather not and just fade away as I mentiioned. Maybe the depression talking.

I wondered today why ppl notice my weight b/c I'm not that thin or small. Plenty of other ppl are smaller and thinner then me. I don't get the big deal.

It only adds to me not aware of myself.

Just was stuff in my mind from today.

Thanks for listening and your support...I appreciate it.

Kimmy I hope you are doing well and all is well with your family.

[January]

((((((((( Eva )))))))))))

Eva Friend,

Your depression is thinking for you. I know you and I know how you eat. We've talked about it before. Remember? You must find a way to eat. If nothing else, force milkshakes down you. Ok? You need the strength to take care of your son. Depresssion keeps a person from really seeing the whole picture.

I'll be ok. I have time for you and my other friends.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[(JD)]

Just reading and wondering how you are doing today. Perhaps by writing down each time you (all) eat something, will not only help you show doctor how you are trying and eating, but yourself too, and if you aren't eating enough, will show you that, too.

Depression and stress make it near impossible to reply to sudden, unexpected questions. Try and memorize by rote some simple answers. If you get really stuck and caught off guard (for any reason) try a clever smirk, twist of the head, raise of the eyebrow, or a wink to make it seem that you are choosing not to answer. (Well, you are!) Or, ignore the question and reply back with one about them... redirecting their focus.

After I was first injured (well, a for a few years) I had trouble responding to someone asking my name. My brain felt so scrambled, I, too, felt the "How am I supposed to answer that??" I learned that just because someone asks a question, I am not required to come up with a reply. Give yourself that permission, too. TC

[Eva1nder]

Yeah it's true the depression and stress are probably adding to it and me focusing on it isn't helping. It's probably what is making me so anxious.

You're right ...those are some good suggestions.

The eating thing ...well for some reason I don't want to or I should say I want to set limits and it's as if I am control at the moment because I'm "calling the shots".

As time passes though it gets confusing as to if I'm in control or if "not eating" is in control.

I know that might sound weird.

I met with the new dr. on thurs. and she seemed pretty good and I don't feel as anxious and "sinking".

So that's hopeful.

Thank you for your insight and suggestions...I appreciate it.


Eva

[LILITH]

That discribes me oh so well.....for me it is a very sad existance....

[Eva1nder]

I'm sorry I know that sadness I guess even though I don't like to admit it.

I go through cycles. Right now I'm in a mixed state.

When I think about it I get agitated, anxious, angry, scared...many things actually.

Then probably sad, lonely and withdrawn.

[(JD)]

(((safe hugs))) You wouldn't have to share your food/eating list with anyone. Writing it down, for your own eyes and self to see, might help any part of you that isn't realizing there is a problem.

Hope you are doing ok today

[January]

(((((((((((((( Lilith ))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((( Eva )))))))))))))))))

Eva, your siggy looks just like you!! You know what I mean!

Hugs,

Jan

[pegasus]

Eva1nder,

Hope you don't mind me butting in.

The "Who am I?" question, buzzes round my head alot too.

Many years ago I was NOTHING, NOBODY, USELESS, TERRIBLE and an IT!

This view of myself was ingrained in me, and there is a part of me that believes that this must be true.

Lots of therapy is helping to show me WHO I REALLY AM. And I am working on it all the time.

Thinking of you.

[Eva1nder]

(((((((Jan))))))))

Jan, I think I do lol...

[Eva1nder]

Hi pegasus

Listening to you ... you actually raised another question that for some reason I struggle with.

I at some points "hear" what the doctors are saying, but I get a better perspective from the ppl here b/c they are going through it.

What you are describing to me "I was nothing, nobody, useless, terrible and an it." Sounds like depressive thoughts and feelings, which at some points I have.

I even think I might have those feeling because I feel so apart from myself.

I know that the doctor is right that I suffer from depersonalization, but DID (the different forms) I just struggle with. I don't have alters ...I just have issues with memory presently and past. Past can be big chunks of time.

I also presently have conversations and do things that I have no recollection. Then there is some of what I was describing, which is making me feel panicky.

I feel like I'm walking in a "shell" of a body that is foreign to me and my mind I struggle for what little control I have.

Not sure if I'm making sense.

Thanks for your imput pegasus...you weren't butting in at all.

Eva

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Eva1nder said:
Does anyone feel so apart from themselves that not only they don't recognize themselves, but there really isn't anything left.

When someone asks me a question about myself..."do you work?" "what would make you happy?" etc. .... I look like a deer caught in the headlights.

Basically it's been like this and progressively gotten worse as far as feeling apart from myself and not having an identity, but I feel like i'm barely holding onto anything.

I am really anxious over it and my t said last time she saw me that I was depressed. I said no that I just had no connection to myself or what I wanted out of life. I live only for my son and that's it really.

Now since I last spoke with her I'm wondering because now I am wanting to just sleep. More anxious and wanting to avoid everyone and even eating less then before...wanting to just fade away.

It just freaks me out to not have anything and others to start seeing it.

I'm babbling. Just was wondering if anyone else get's this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I TOTALLY get it. I was like that for several years, after I was completely destroyed in 1998-99. It's only been in tiny bits and pieces over the past 2 years that I've even remotely started to feel like there's anything I could call "me" other than a ghost of memories of a ghost haunting an exploded and shattered shell. The words you wrote to describe yourself are some of the exact same ones I used to describe myself from about 1998 to about 2004.

[Eva1nder]

I guess you are in some kind of treatment or have a good therapist? It's good you are able to find yourself again...you know what it's like to totally lose yourself then and it's pretty awful.

I wish you well.