[sarahplainandshort]

Hi all. I usually post over in the psychotherapy forum but I thought this might fit better over here...Some quick background: I was dx'd with DDNOS many years ago, and spent a few years in T for that (actually, T at that point was mostly about surviving). Now I've been back in T for about a year and a half with the same T as before and officially my dx is PTSD. I don't like labels and neither does he, but I guess this keeps my insurance company satisfied.

I mentioned to T last week that I have this constant screaming in head. He was very interested in this, which kind of freaked me out, so I clammed up about it. I didn't tell him I also have this voice that calls me names and yells at me when I do something I think is wrong or stupid or embarrassing. I've had this for as long as I can remember. I can't explain why, but it feels like both voices are female, and the screamer is quite young. I don't feel like these voices ever "take over" or that I lose control or lose time, although I did experience those sorts of things when I was younger.

So what's the deal with this? Does anyone else have this? I tried googling and only found lots of stuff about schizophrenia, and I do not have that. As comfortable as I am with T, this is really pretty frightening and embarrassing for me to talk to him about, because it sounds crazy even to me, now that I type it out.

[here today]

Hi, I'm new, and glad to see another DDNOS. I haven't heard a voice but I did have a part of me the was very well hidden and it felt like it was located in my forearm for a very long time. Dissociation is weird, but there are lots of different ways it does its thing, from the research I have done. Do you have any idea why you might be feeling fear and embarassment about this? Maybe you could talk about that with your T, before you go into anything else about the "voices"?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

Hi all. I usually post over in the psychotherapy forum but I thought this might fit better over here...Some quick background: I was dx'd with DDNOS many years ago, and spent a few years in T for that (actually, T at that point was mostly about surviving). Now I've been back in T for about a year and a half with the same T as before and officially my dx is PTSD. I don't like labels and neither does he, but I guess this keeps my insurance company satisfied.

I mentioned to T last week that I have this constant screaming in head. He was very interested in this, which kind of freaked me out, so I clammed up about it. I didn't tell him I also have this voice that calls me names and yells at me when I do something I think is wrong or stupid or embarrassing. I've had this for as long as I can remember. I can't explain why, but it feels like both voices are female, and the screamer is quite young. I don't feel like these voices ever "take over" or that I lose control or lose time, although I did experience those sorts of things when I was younger.

So what's the deal with this? Does anyone else have this? I tried googling and only found lots of stuff about schizophrenia, and I do not have that. As comfortable as I am with T, this is really pretty frightening and embarrassing for me to talk to him about, because it sounds crazy even to me, now that I type it out.

I have had and still have this happening sometimes..

with in me my treatment providers called it many things...

flashbacks
auditory hallucinations
delusional thinking
psychosis
DID
and many other medical and mental health issues that share these same symptoms...

what its called within me depends upon other accompanying symptoms.

the best way for you to figure out what this is with in you is talk with your treatment providers. they will be able to rule in and out all the different medical and mental health problems that share these same symptoms and finally tell you what it is within you and how to treat it.

I have DID and hear voices all the time, always have. I do have a screaming voice , one of the alters, and lots of kids voices. But for me it isnt frightening as we are all friends and talk to each other all the time.
I remember when our former core person was in college she thought she was schizophrenic because of the voices, so i umderstand your fears. Definitely talk about it to your support people..

[sarahplainandshort]

Thanks, here today, amandalouise and Sarah Michelle for responding. I think this must be as weird as I feared, with so many views and only a couple of responses

I think the embarrassment about exploring this with T comes from shame. My life is ruled by shame. I am very good at compartmentalizing, and I am also very ashamed of it because I rarely feel like I am being real in life. The real world sees one part of me: a self-confident, successful professional in a long-term career, with a graduate degree, who has been married for 12 years with two awesome kids. I do public speaking for my job, for pete's sake, but I go to T and I become mute. I am ashamed of letting T see the real me, who hears voices and self-harms and spends so much time disconnected from myself. I guess I'm afraid he'll say out loud, the things that angry voice in my head says: that I'm crazy and stupid and pathetic and disgusting and weird and worthless and I deserve to be hurt.

When I was in college, I was also diagnosed as schizophrenic (and bipolar and cyclothymic and schizo-affective...they just kept going through the DSM until they found one that looked right that week, lol), but I feel respected and heard with current T and I don't want to lose the fragile connection I have with him. But I don't know where else to go from here.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I hear many voices. Mostly when I am going to sleep. Not every night but they never direct their talk to me really, unless I'm in a serious situation and don't know what to do, they will direct one or two words to help me, but that's very rare. I do however hear them talk to eachother and even at times scream and fight with eachother but never really me.

With voices though, it isn't necessarily schizophrenia but could be bipolar, depression or any other number of things, being honest with your t, he can help sort through the possibilities. It could also be a reaction to medication, it could be high stress, the t could help you with this.

I' not saying it's not part of dissociation but I'm definately not saying it is either. My parts never say anything negative about me, but every system is different and other parts can say negative things. The voices I hear vary, man woman old young. But never anything negative to me

Just because you hear voices doesn't necessarily even mean you have a mental disorder, don't worry about telling your t, he will help you to learn why you are hearing the voice. You very well could have a mental disorder but it doesn't guarantee that you have anything.

My mom has had a full blown hallucination where she sat and spoke to my brother (who was in Iraq) thinking he was in her living room in the US, even laid in his lap. The only disorder she's ever and to this day been diagnosed with is generalized anxiety disorder. Medication they believe was the cause of this, but honestly it could be any number of things, that's why it's best to sort it through with your t

[sarahplainandshort]

I'm pretty sure I'm not psychotic or bipolar...my T is sure, too, so I guess I'm just worried that the dissociation is worse than I've been willing to admit to myself, and to him. This has been going on for so long it doesn't even feel strange anymore. At least, it didn't until T got concerned when I mentioned it.

If I understand correctly, the main difference between DID and DDNOS is that with DID you don't have awareness when other parts of you take over...so if I am always aware of what's going on, even if I feel disconnected or like I'm just watching when these other parts of me are doing things like public speaking or interacting with coworkers for example, then I probably don't have DID...right? Criminy, this is really making me anxious.

I guess I need to talk to T about this some more. I just don't want him to start treating me differently if he finds out I'm more messed up than he thought.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

If he's a good t, he will treat you the same, and do what he can to help with your symptoms. He wont look at you any crazier than he did before. My t, has said time and time again DID is at least fixable compared to the psychotic disorders and such. Keeping something like this from him is not the best idea, this could be the missing link to your recovery. He can't fully help you unless he knows what needs help.

With DID, in my case I do not recall many of the times when they are out, most of the time in fact. When I do, it's very vague and I can like see myself doing it, kind of. Kind of like a nearly forgotten dream. But that doesn't happen often, mostly I have no clue, other than putting together the puzzle pieces. But if I understand correctly (but I am having my own trouble wrapping my mind around this diagnosis and even have a thread right now where I am asking millions of questions about DID) when you acchieve co conciousness you can be somewhat aware of when your alters are out, but I don't believe you have control of the body like you would if you were out. I've experienced that a few times, but not very much. Where I'm watching from the inside (but I seem kind of far back in my head) and I see me doing and saying things, but I don't have control of what I'm doing. But you might not want to fully listen to me as I am having trouble figuring out what's a result of my DID and what's a result of the many other dissociative depersonalization etc symptoms.

Honestly, DID isn't as "crazy" as people think and trained providers know this. My first appointment with t, I told him about my diagnosis. He ruled it out originally starting with a clean slate, saying if it was DID he would come to that conclusion himself. He's reached that conclusion, as many of rest, I was relieved. He notice my relief and asked why I was so worried about having DID. I told him "I don't want to be crazy!" (no offense to anyone with DID please, I don't believe others are crazy but I'm much harder on myself than anyone else and the idea that I have little to no control of my body frightens me, but as we all know, there is nothing we can do about that) he tells me, if it is DID, I should be relieved because it's fixable. Most other disorders I would be on meds for the rest of my life, but DID can be fixed with therapy.

Trust your provider, if he's as good a t as you feel, he will not look at you any differently but may change his approach which may be just what you need. Again, please no one take offense to the "crazy" because I know it takes a very intelligent person, who suffered trauma, it is just so confusing. And the thought of it is so out there, it doesn't seem real but boy is it. Sorry if I offended, I truly do not mean to and do not feel those on this site are "crazy" but I do believe I am a little crazy.

After being with the new t, I am kind of relieved it's DID and not psychosis, which t nor pdoc believe I have.

[sarahplainandshort]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

Again, please no one take offense to the "crazy" because I know it takes a very intelligent person, who suffered trauma, it is just so confusing. And the thought of it is so out there, it doesn't seem real but boy is it. Sorry if I offended, I truly do not mean to and do not feel those on this site are "crazy" but I do believe I am a little crazy.

No offense taken on my part (or parts, ha). I appreciate your response, and I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this, too. It can a very lonely and scary place to be, stuck in your head with these things. I'm beginning to think maybe *I* am more bothered by this than my T would be. And you are right, that whether this is just a return or worsening on the old DDNOS, or somethign further along the dissociation continuum, at least it is fixable.

Oh, if you are looking for info on dissociation and DID, I recently found a book called The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout, that is maybe the best book on the topic I have read...maybe this book pushed me to look more closely at my own experiences, I don't know. Anyway, compared to many books and articles, this one is hopeful and de-stigmatizing and explained dissociation in a way that really made sense.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

I'm pretty sure I'm not psychotic or bipolar...my T is sure, too, so I guess I'm just worried that the dissociation is worse than I've been willing to admit to myself, and to him. This has been going on for so long it doesn't even feel strange anymore. At least, it didn't until T got concerned when I mentioned it.

If I understand correctly, the main difference between DID and DDNOS is that with DID you don't have awareness when other parts of you take over...so if I am always aware of what's going on, even if I feel disconnected or like I'm just watching when these other parts of me are doing things like public speaking or interacting with coworkers for example, then I probably don't have DID...right? Criminy, this is really making me anxious.

I guess I need to talk to T about this some more. I just don't want him to start treating me differently if he finds out I'm more messed up than he thought.

No. here in NY, USA Some DID people actually have quite a bit awareness, some dont. awareness isnt what gets a person diagnosed with DID or not.

what gets a person diagnosed with DID or not is

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.

C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

what gets you diagnosed with DDNOS is

This category is included for disorders in which the predominant feature is a dissociative symptom (i.e., a disruption in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception of the environment) that does not meet the criteria for any specific Dissociative Disorder. Examples include

1. Clinical presentations similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder that fail to meet full criteria for this disorder. Examples include presentations in which a) there are not two or more distinct personality states, or b) amnesia for important personal information does not occur.

2. Derealization unaccompanied by depersonalization in adults.

3. States of dissociation that occur in individuals who have been subjected to periods of prolonged and intense coercive persuasion (e.g., brainwashing, thought reform, or indoctrination while captive).

4. Dissociative trance disorder: single or episodic disturbances in the state of consciousness, identity, or memory that are indigenous to particular locations and cultures. Dissociative trance involves narrowing of awareness of immediate surroundings or stereotyped behaviors or movements that are experienced as being beyond one’s control. Possession trance involves replacement of the customary sense of personal identity by a new identity, attributed to the influence of a spirit, power, deity, or other person, and associated with stereotyped “involuntary” movements or amnesia and is perhaps the most common Dissociative Disorder in Asia. Examples include amok (Indonesia), bebainan (Indonesia), latah (Malaysia), pibloktoq (Arctic), ataque de nervios (Latin America), and possession (India). The dissociative or trance disorder is not a normal part of a broadly accepted collective cultural or religious practice. (See Appendix B in DSM-IV-TR for suggested research criteria.)

5. Loss of consciousness, stupor, or coma not attributable to a general medical condition.

6. Ganser syndrome: the giving of approximate answers to questions(e.g., “2 plus 2 equals 5”) when not associated with Dissociative Amnesia or Dissociative Fugue

the diagnostic criteria quoted can be found on the DSM -5 website at http://www.dsm5.org/proposedrevision...Disorders.aspx under the DSM IV TR tabs after you open the dissociative disorders pages.

in other words DDNOS means you have some dissociative symptoms but not enough to fit in with any one dissociative disorder.. you have lots of bits and pieces of symptoms from many different dissociative disorders but none make up one whole dissociative disorder.

[such is life...]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

Hi all. I usually post over in the psychotherapy forum but I thought this might fit better over here...Some quick background: I was dx'd with DDNOS many years ago, and spent a few years in T for that (actually, T at that point was mostly about surviving). Now I've been back in T for about a year and a half with the same T as before and officially my dx is PTSD. I don't like labels and neither does he, but I guess this keeps my insurance company satisfied.

I mentioned to T last week that I have this constant screaming in head. He was very interested in this, which kind of freaked me out, so I clammed up about it. I didn't tell him I also have this voice that calls me names and yells at me when I do something I think is wrong or stupid or embarrassing. I've had this for as long as I can remember. I can't explain why, but it feels like both voices are female, and the screamer is quite young. I don't feel like these voices ever "take over" or that I lose control or lose time, although I did experience those sorts of things when I was younger.

So what's the deal with this? Does anyone else have this? I tried googling and only found lots of stuff about schizophrenia, and I do not have that. As comfortable as I am with T, this is really pretty frightening and embarrassing for me to talk to him about, because it sounds crazy even to me, now that I type it out.

Hi sarahplainandshort.... my t says that sometime your body's age ( your age) has something to do with getting diagnosed d.i.d or other dissociative disorders....I cant quote her but she says it has something to do with your hormones and the dissociation that has served you well for so long is starting to cause you problems now....a lot of people with a dissociative disorder dont get diagnosed untill their late 20's or 30's. Maybe the voices you are hearing need for you to hear them...it's scary I know but if you trust this t you have be honest and see what happens. Like others have said at least d.i.d is fixable....and your not crazy!!!! I hope this has helped you a little bit....life

[sarahplainandshort]

Originally Posted by such is life...

Maybe the voices you are hearing need for you to hear them...

Yeah, this makes sense. Maybe I'm finally feeling safe enough to not just hear them, but also listen to them. Sigh. Thanks for the input and support, everyone. I know it's up to me from here on.

[such is life...]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

Yeah, this makes sense. Maybe I'm finally feeling safe enough to not just hear them, but also listen to them. Sigh. Thanks for the input and support, everyone. I know it's up to me from here on.

being safe is what drives most of my "people" keep in touch sara....life

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

Hi all. I usually post over in the psychotherapy forum but I thought this might fit better over here...Some quick background: I was dx'd with DDNOS many years ago, and spent a few years in T for that (actually, T at that point was mostly about surviving). Now I've been back in T for about a year and a half with the same T as before and officially my dx is PTSD. I don't like labels and neither does he, but I guess this keeps my insurance company satisfied.

I mentioned to T last week that I have this constant screaming in head. He was very interested in this, which kind of freaked me out, so I clammed up about it. I didn't tell him I also have this voice that calls me names and yells at me when I do something I think is wrong or stupid or embarrassing. I've had this for as long as I can remember. I can't explain why, but it feels like both voices are female, and the screamer is quite young. I don't feel like these voices ever "take over" or that I lose control or lose time, although I did experience those sorts of things when I was younger.

So what's the deal with this? Does anyone else have this? I tried googling and only found lots of stuff about schizophrenia, and I do not have that. As comfortable as I am with T, this is really pretty frightening and embarrassing for me to talk to him about, because it sounds crazy even to me, now that I type it out.

Yes, I have this DDNOS & PTSD from early childhood abuse/neglect...no I don't have schizophrenia either but was referenced as that by a psuedo psychologist in my late teens. They just didn't know back then as much about splitting as is known now.

It is all pretty scarry at first and then when the parts started to communicate it got a bit less so, maybe cause it doesn't feel so out of control that way. Thankfully therapy was the most effective for me and there haven't been other issues.

I just remember the initial fear about knowing being kind of overwhelming and I was really needing the affirmation in Therapy to calm me/my parts.

Can't believe that I have come so far sometimes but definitely glad the inner dialogue/monologue both loud and quiet can be managed with inner communication and support.

Take care .

[Tamster]

I hate labels to maybe because I have so many but I don't mind my d.i.d. Cause I am comfortable there. They have been me forever sometimes they are quiet and well behaved but lately busy and naughty big. Do you only hear the kids or do you see them. It depends on stressors for me. Listen to people on the PC site they really care. Take care, tam

[sarahplainandshort]

Wow, thanks for the support, everyone. Things have calmed down a bit inside in some ways--I think there was a lot of chaos when I started this thread because some things were building up that I wasn't aware of. Specifically, childhood memories that aren't new to me, but that I've never felt any emotion about before, if that makes sense. IOW, I dissociated the feelings but not the memories. Well, the feelings are here now, and it's like pandora's box. I've been able to talk to T about it a bit, but it is overwhelming in between sessions sometimes. I really need for T to show me how to calm myself so that I can calm all the voices inside my head. Guess that's what we'll talk about tomorrow.

[Hunny]

SarahplainandShort,

Glad to hear of the calming going on for you. I got that a lot too, the knowing (for the most part) but the dulling of emotional response about those memories. The feelings are quite powerful aren't they. I remember sometimes we would encase them in a very well protected wall of impenetrable steel and tick-tock double lock them till next session. How this worked I'm not really sure but it did for the most part. Maintaining till the next session can be hard at first (but do-able) but there were months (probably years, if I were to be honest) that there needed to be more than one session a week. The sessions needed to be 1.5 hours, sometimes 2. Quite a bit of work but well worth the freedom that will come.

Hope all went well for you today.