[LouR]

Please don't read this if you'll think it'll trigger you


T called me today to tell me that he had written the report for my GP/family doctor and asked how was I doing after being confronted with my diagnosis
I said I joined 2 groups, this one and one on FB.
This group feels right to me the one on FB scared the crap out of me so I left it.
The FB I mentioned to him and it was a little judgemental and he said to me that maybe I'm becoming a little to obsessed BUT I'm a good bub and he'll see me at the next session.
Well my response after getting off the phone was this loser is ****ing with me he wants money and he just wants to **** my life up with this ****
BUT
Then I thought no he is right I am obsessed. I'm obsessed because I'm still trying to figure out how this ****ing happened.
I was doing so well until that ****er told me that I had DID
I could handle being depressed
I could handle having low self esteem
I could handle attachment issues
I could handle initimacy issues
I could handle a parent with BPD
I could handle my dirty grandfather
I could handle the assholes at work
BUT this is just ....AAAAAAAARGH!

Right now I can't handle it
I can't handle my kids and their constant screaming and whinging for attention
I can't handle it anymore
I just want to go get myself admitted be pumped full of medications and feel numb

Then I think what about my husband?
Whose going to protect my kids from the bad people?

Its just ****ed plain and simple

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I know this feeling all too well. Its a really hard diagnosis to accept and appreciate it. It took me 8 years of being diagnosed before i was able to appreciate it. And still 10 years after the diagnosis i have trouble accepting it. But instead of the denial three years ago where i thought "i cant be that crazy" i now think "i cant be that lucky". While DID can be extremeley difficult, it saved my life. Numerous times i was in life threatening situations and couldnt figure my way out of it, then it would just click. I would switch and a part would know every move to make to get us out of the situation. When there was no escaping, a part would come out to shield me from the pain.

They were created to save my life and did time and time again. Before i knew about DID like i do now i thought an angel stood by me my whole life, thats the only way i could have escaped from such horror. But in the last couple of years ive started to believe that angel isnt standing beside me, they are in me, were given to me to protect me.

Although the symptoms are frustrating to say the least, and some parts get triggered and put the whole system in chaos, they are here to protect us. Which they have done time and time again.

Have you mentioned with t the comment he made? Its new to you, the name at least, he should understand your obsessive behavior

[LouR]

Hi thank you for your comment purple flying monkeys
In everyday life I'm not an assertive person face to face and if I think highly of you it kind of multiplies in the drama of questioning you. I kind of have a delayed reaction then later I think to myself Why didn't I say something...
With T he called me on the phone to inform me that the report was done so I could get a referral under medicare to have more sessions with him at a reduced rate. He then asked me how I was and I was honest and I did mention that I was also trying to figure it all out. I just want to fix myself and move on that's all I want.
I find it hard to trust people however I'm naive and gullible at other times
I trusted T however I didn't tell him how his statement made me feel because I felt that I wasn't given adequate time to rationalise what I meant and said goodbye instead.
As you can see I am a rambler.
I don't see him until the 28/07. I was so mad when I started this thread and now I just think why am I doing this to myself. I said to my husband I want a second opinion however is that going to cause strain if he is right and I want to go back and see him? Probably.
Yeah it is denial I recognise that
I just want it all to go away
Thank you for agreeing with the fact that of course I would be obsessed with this that validates me alot
Now I feel embarassed for being such a big girls blouse eesh

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Dont be so hard on yourself, while the disorder in itself isnt as scary as the name and stigma reguarding it, its hard to get past it. Someone who went through life with hallucinations, dillusions and such could be in a great deal of discomfort and when they are diagnosed schizophrenic it scares them more than the symptoms because you kind of expect your life to turn out like the movies. But remember, its just a name, it doesnt change your symptoms.

For the assertiveness, i can fully understand. I think we covered this in another thread about your mom? Maybe you can ask your t for help on being more assertive? When i first started seeing my t, he told me "if youre schizophrenic im going to be pi$$ed" but i was too afraid to confront or ask why he said it and it lowered my trust. But we have been working on me being assertive and now i can at least ask him to ellaborate on comments such as these. Your t can help you build your confidence.

As far as seeking a second opinion, if you think it could help go for it, but remember no doctor can diagnose you DID in one visit, it takes a lot of ruling out the rest of the disorders. Ive gotten a second, third, fourth and fifth opimion in the last 10 years and it doesnt really make the acceptance any easier unless youre willing to accept it