[kazine]

Right, I just want to share my story to find out if there are people who have DID like I do. Sometimes I get into denial about it because it's so different from the 'norm'.

Whereas most people have DID where they lose time and hear voices, mine is different. I don't really lose time. When I switch I am fully conscious. It's like, when I switch, I feel the change, but rather than sitting in the background, I sort of change into my alter. I can go from being me, to being someone else entirely, I can even change gender in my mind when I switch to a male. When I switch from me to Aaron, I suddenly feel like a male trapped in a female body, I apparently walk different, talk different etc, but I still have the consciousness as if I am him instead of me. Also my sexual desires change when I switch into Sophie, she has a very strong rape fetish that I don't have, but when I switch to her, I feel all she feels, my voice goes higher too. I have only lost time twice, and I had been drinking both times, and I turned into a crazy abusive mess - the first time, it was my alter Laura, who took a pretty big overdose, luckily my boyfriend was there to make me throw the pills back up.

I knew I was losing time however rather than it just being an alcohol blackout because about three times during the time loss, I kind of had a "flash" of what was going on... One flash I was sitting on the washing machine crying to my best friend, the second flash I was throwing a glass at my boyfriend and wondering why I was doing it, the third one I was throwing a bottle of Seroquel down my throat, and also wondered why I was doing it. The fact I was so confused during the "flashes" convinces me that it was time loss and not alcohol blackout - surely if it was an alcohol blackout I would have known what I was doing and why, right? Is time loss like this?

Is anyone like this? The fact I'm so different from most people with DID makes me question it, wonder whether I'm imagining it etc.

Thanks,
Kaz x

[LouR]

Hi
Know those feelings all to well
This is my advice and what I've found
DID's symptoms are subjective to the individual experiencing it
In other words this an example my husband helped me with
For example
The house that burnt down
A Fire fighter will do a controlled burn due to what he learnt
A forensic person would do it another way and use the firefighter as back up so to minimise danger
A pyro will just burn it down and be reckless
Another would be "**** happens" the house burnt down due to a unstubbed cigarette or a gas leak
End result is that the house burns down regardless of the method used.

What you learn from this experience that the end result IS the same BUT the methods used are variables.

So is DID.

No one taught you to have DID, for the most part you have functioned in life and not realised it was there until another experience was the "straw that broke the camels back" that made you go see a therapist

How you came to have it and how your brain stored it will be different from one person to the next that have DID as well. Thereby how you experience your symptoms will be different from others it does not mean that how you feel is "wrong" or a "fabrication". Knowing this also upsets me because I'm very structured in how I approach all of life's problems and that it must be this way or that and then I get angry, then I 'm in denial again and again and again and then I realise this is the DID process trying to protect myself. And you breakthrough it like a deep sea diver coming up for air. If you look at my post chronologically you can see this process in action from being diagnosed only 1 week ago until now.

DID is ingrained in me and I have been this way for god knows how long and I've resigned myself to the concept that it's not that bad because this process has helped me be who I am today.

I don't have co-consciousness

I was'nt even aware that I did this stuff until I was told by my T, and how he figured it out I have no idea because I am a smart person. All I know is my obsession paid off because I channeled it to read as much as I could and talk in this forum and others to come to terms with it.

Some will not understand what you mean. Others will.

Converse with all of us on the forum and you will see this because for me DID has helped me stay in denial for so long so I could handle life stressors and just because I am this way doesn't make me any less worthy in todays society.

The brain is an amazing piece of organic equipment scientists have been trying to figure out the secrets of the brain for centuries and have come to realise that they've really only discovered maybe 10-15% of what it actually does.

I look forward to seeing your posts DID is not black and white my friend that is why I use the YIN and YANG symbol as my profile picture

Kind regards
Lou

[LouR]

Honey I don't do substances other than cigarettes because I know I'm not me when I do.
It's that classic riddle
What came first the chicken or the egg?
in other words what came first the DID or the substance?
That's why and what T's are trying to figure out.
What if an alter your not aware of drinks because that's their coping mechanism then the switching /changing of other alters happens faster? Because the substance effects or depresses your conscious state/core/ "normal everyday you" so you can not control what the others/alters/EP's are doing?
That's just a theory I have

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by kazine

Right, I just want to share my story to find out if there are people who have DID like I do. Sometimes I get into denial about it because it's so different from the 'norm'.

Whereas most people have DID where they lose time and hear voices, mine is different. I don't really lose time. When I switch I am fully conscious. It's like, when I switch, I feel the change, but rather than sitting in the background, I sort of change into my alter. I can go from being me, to being someone else entirely, I can even change gender in my mind when I switch to a male. When I switch from me to Aaron, I suddenly feel like a male trapped in a female body, I apparently walk different, talk different etc, but I still have the consciousness as if I am him instead of me. Also my sexual desires change when I switch into Sophie, she has a very strong rape fetish that I don't have, but when I switch to her, I feel all she feels, my voice goes higher too. I have only lost time twice, and I had been drinking both times, and I turned into a crazy abusive mess - the first time, it was my alter Laura, who took a pretty big overdose, luckily my boyfriend was there to make me throw the pills back up.

I knew I was losing time however rather than it just being an alcohol blackout because about three times during the time loss, I kind of had a "flash" of what was going on... One flash I was sitting on the washing machine crying to my best friend, the second flash I was throwing a glass at my boyfriend and wondering why I was doing it, the third one I was throwing a bottle of Seroquel down my throat, and also wondered why I was doing it. The fact I was so confused during the "flashes" convinces me that it was time loss and not alcohol blackout - surely if it was an alcohol blackout I would have known what I was doing and why, right? Is time loss like this?

Is anyone like this? The fact I'm so different from most people with DID makes me question it, wonder whether I'm imagining it etc.

Thanks,
Kaz x

Ive always lost time...

Here in NY, USA its pretty standard for DID people to lose time, something to do with the diagnostic criteria that the person with DID must have a special kind of forgetfulness that goes beyond the normal standard of forgetfulness example having memory gaps about traumatic events, and other trauma related memories....

though some people have more co consciousness (being aware that their alters exist,being aware of hearing voices, being aware of thats going on when alters are in control....) then others, theres usually some sort of prevalent memory loss (some locations call it time loss, time gaps, memory gaps,.. what ever word your location uses) associated with DID.

total memory loss/time loss/memory gaps are not required but most if not all DID people do have memory loss/time loss/memory gaps/...

I am extremely co conscious like you are also. I think that's why it took me so long to get diagnosed. I know exactly what you mean though. And just like you the only time I've lost time completely is when I've been on high doses of ativan. (substances). And then I've really lost time. Like past the normal memory loss of someone on ativan. I do do stuff I don't want to, because when I do change into other people, I don't necessarily have control, I just know what's happening. And sometimes it does feel "foggy", or really, really distant. But I never completely forget. It wears me out to constantly be watching though. I am always tired. Today I slept 19 hours.

I've lost time, but it's hard to explain my loosing time. It's more like I just sleep through it. I sleep a lot. And sometimes I'll come to and realize it's been a few days since I really felt present.

[UnhingedHick]

Originally Posted by kazine

Right, I just want to share my story to find out if there are people who have DID like I do. Sometimes I get into denial about it because it's so different from the 'norm'.

Whereas most people have DID where they lose time and hear voices, mine is different. I don't really lose time. When I switch I am fully conscious. It's like, when I switch, I feel the change, but rather than sitting in the background, I sort of change into my alter. I can go from being me, to being someone else entirely, I can even change gender in my mind when I switch to a male. When I switch from me to Aaron, I suddenly feel like a male trapped in a female body, I apparently walk different, talk different etc, but I still have the consciousness as if I am him instead of me. Also my sexual desires change when I switch into Sophie, she has a very strong rape fetish that I don't have, but when I switch to her, I feel all she feels, my voice goes higher too. I have only lost time twice, and I had been drinking both times, and I turned into a crazy abusive mess - the first time, it was my alter Laura, who took a pretty big overdose, luckily my boyfriend was there to make me throw the pills back up.

I knew I was losing time however rather than it just being an alcohol blackout because about three times during the time loss, I kind of had a "flash" of what was going on... One flash I was sitting on the washing machine crying to my best friend, the second flash I was throwing a glass at my boyfriend and wondering why I was doing it, the third one I was throwing a bottle of Seroquel down my throat, and also wondered why I was doing it. The fact I was so confused during the "flashes" convinces me that it was time loss and not alcohol blackout - surely if it was an alcohol blackout I would have known what I was doing and why, right? Is time loss like this?

Is anyone like this? The fact I'm so different from most people with DID makes me question it, wonder whether I'm imagining it etc.

Thanks,
Kaz x

Hey that kinda sounds like us. But no with the gender swapping and ll alters here are male. Every single one. We have some girly men but never the less they are all male. We stay counsiose too. Only once have we almost blacked out when changing..

-- Atrus

[MinnieMargot]

Talk to your Tand see if the DDNOS dx would be better, that way you also "do" therapy a little different.

[designer]

I have times that I know that I am not me and I am concious of what is happening. There are times when I am looking at things from a distance and I am far away. There are times when I do things or say things that I can't recall. I do lose time. If I am going through a big long switch, it feel like I am going thru a tunnel. I can't focus, can't read, can't really think at all. It is like I am in limbo. I hear people talking but they seem so very far away and hormally during these tough times - I have a head ache.