[LouR]

I'm abit scared of how you guys are going to feel about this but let's go
I read something on a DID wall by a psychotherapist called Kali something and in it it was talking about coming to terms with being a DID and it mentioned asking a protector to let you in so you can meet your states/alters/others...
So I went to bed last night and while I was going to sleep I heard as loud as a bell a male voice shouting at me and it woke me up twice and I was like come on just let me in, it didn't help that my husband was snoring and I know that I told him to roll on his side so that I could nod off
I heard the male voice again and went to sleep I can't recall everything BUT I had a strange dream where in it I looked the same as I do right now but I had thoughts and actions that were polar opposites
In it I was being nurturing and wanting to show someone that they were a wonderful person that deserved the right treatment by a nice woman and half way through doing that 2 alarm clocks started going off and I stopped what I was doing and turned the 2 clocks off and I looked at that person I was being good to and said it's time to go, then I felt scared
I woke up this morning and I feel fine, not dirty, not scared and still very much in tune with my husband
Is that it? Is that what it feels like to have DID, I think so and I think that is why I feel so mellow right now.
I know later I'm going to feel really weird about sharing this so please be gentle with me I think I'm getting a little more comfortable with the idea now

[LouR]

I forgot to mention I don't dream most of the time
But my husband has told me sometimes when he hugs me I jerk away and tell him not to touch me or "piss off" and I don't remember any of it.
Theres also been times when Im sleeping after an arvo shift and I can sleep in alittle bit and my husbands alarm clocks go off that I apparently berate him about it to get out of bed and scold him for waking me up early however I don't remember saying any of it.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I was going to respond to your pm but didn't have a chance. I'm not 100% sure of the meaning behind your dream but I'm somewhat certain that dreaming of cheating on your spouse resembles your guilt in something. Not guilt of cheating but just guilt in general. Perhaps you felt guilty for something involving the conversation between you and that man?

I don't think the dream per se has to do with your DID, however the voice you heard before falling asleep may very well have. Especially if you were nodding off. Don't rush or get discouraged if you can't get "in" or "meet" them. I'm not sure where you read that it's that easy, to just ask and it be given, because honestly it's not at all that easy.

I'd suggest talking to t about the voice. Just two months ago I was getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. Then one night I just couldn't sleep. It was terrible, every time I would start to nod off I would hear two or three people start to talk and it would jolt me awake. It happened all night and more and more voices were filling my head. By the end of the night it sounded like an auditorium of people yelling in my head. I was so distraught that the next morning as soon as my t's office opened I called them begging to talk to him.

He ended up coming to my house (since I don't have a license or didn't have transportation that day) to calm me down. The voices were bad that night, he explained that the voices were in fact parts, and that when you get closer to sleep you let your guard down and it kind of makes it easier to hear them. It's crazy I know, but according to my t all day and night, even when we can't hear them, they are talking :O A lot to wrap our minds around, but there is no rushing it, our systems work at their own pace, just try to keep track, try to be gentle with yourself and them and try to talk to your t about all of this

[LouR]

Thank you that is very good advice and the voice thing makes sense. I couldn't understand what the voice was saying but it was loud like a warning I think. Thank you so much

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LouR

I forgot to mention I don't dream most of the time
But my husband has told me sometimes when he hugs me I jerk away and tell him not to touch me or "piss off" and I don't remember any of it.
Theres also been times when Im sleeping after an arvo shift and I can sleep in alittle bit and my husbands alarm clocks go off that I apparently berate him about it to get out of bed and scold him for waking me up early however I don't remember saying any of it.

interesting dream. though if I was having this same dream for me it would not mean anything to do with my having alters and trying to meet my alters. it would say to me that I would need to be more careful about what I read, if just reading something such as how someone else said the way to meet alters was to have a protector let me in made me dream about doing so and wanting it to happen so much. if that kind of thing happened to me I would question the validity of whether or not the protector alters were actual alters because for me the concept of 'meeting my alters" "talking directly to my alters" wasnt possible because my treatment provider and I were not able to establish much coconsciousness that went beyond what I already had before diagnosis.

So when ever I did have dreams, nightmares, about things or ideas pertaining to things I have read about, that told me it was time to back off from reading what ever was giving me the dreams or nightmares.

As for whether I believe your dream is about DID, I cant tell you one way or the other. dreams are a funny thing. they happen for many reasons, including what is stressful are in your life, things that the dreamer fears, wishes to happen, sometimes has elements of reality in them and sometimes are just figments of our own imaginations. just last night I dreamed I was in the summer olympics rowing my boat while wearing the most outlandish bathing suit and then suddenly I was standing with nothing but a straw hat on, on the shores of the lake here in town and someone I didnt know walked up to me, took my hand and said hi nice to meet you.. does that mean I am meeting my alters in my dreams, Im sure someone somewhere would read that in my post if they really wanted that to be what my dream was about.. me well to me my dream has nothing to do with my meeting alters, its about my love for boating, in everything I do I tend to strive to be the best I can be, i just spent a fun filled weekend at a nude beach with my wife and another couple I didnt know until I got there (friends of my wife), the outlandish bathing suit well just a nonsensical addition/spin my head did on part of a conversation I had a couple weeks ago with my wife while we were planning our summer plans.

with dreams there is no right or wrong there is just you and how ever you want to interpret your dreams... which reminds me ..there is a forum here on psych central for members to talk about their dreams and their interpretation of the dreams being discussed.. its quite interesting.. heres the link..

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=82

[LouR]

Thank you for your reply Amandalouise.
I admire your candidness with me.

[designer]

Ok, my T had asked me a long time ago to come up with a safe place - so I said the beach - sometimes I turn on the sound of rushing waves and I just lay there trying to see the waves in my mind. I have (at stressful times) told my parts to go play at the beach. I have seen them playing in the waves. The beach has good memories for me. All of my parts feel very safe at the beach. Like I said, I turn on my walkman to the sound of the waves (have two cd's of ocean sounds) It really works wonders. My T encourages me to let my parts play - normally it is at night - and yes sometimes I can see them - weird huh

[LouR]

Originally Posted by designer

Ok, my T had asked me a long time ago to come up with a safe place - so I said the beach - sometimes I turn on the sound of rushing waves and I just lay there trying to see the waves in my mind. I have (at stressful times) told my parts to go play at the beach. I have seen them playing in the waves. The beach has good memories for me. All of my parts feel very safe at the beach. Like I said, I turn on my walkman to the sound of the waves (have two cd's of ocean sounds) It really works wonders. My T encourages me to let my parts play - normally it is at night - and yes sometimes I can see them - weird huh

Nope not weird Designer
Everybody is different and experience dissimiliar symptoms does that mean that one is more DID than another because of their level of dissociativeness? Is that why this is unique?
And an uncommon diagnosis for a common disorder?
Is that why health professionals are scared to diagnose it due to the unique differences between?
Is that why they want to scrub it from the DSM V?
Trying to find commonalities even amongst us with such differing symptoms surely causes one to question themselves and their diagnosis?
Are we strong? Are we smart?
Why?
No one taught me how to be this way I raised myself because the adults in my life were either ignoring my existence, abusing me emotionally/ physically/sexually
The bullies at school picked on me and I had to sort that out myself and christ help you if you picked on me or another person who was not the norm because morally I could never turn my back on someone being abused even at a young age and I would meet violence with violence hey I learnt it from my parents and they only ever cared if I got hurt or I hurt someone else badly
I ran away with a friend to escape my parents and I felt empowered and then I called mother dearest and told her where I was because I was scared to an outsider I'm just a typical 12 yo girl and the police wanted to know why? and I told them that Iwanted to see the world because I knew they wouldn't believe me
After that I made sure I was an outsider I didn't trust anyone and I made sure I was left alone by looking dangerous
then I looked like a hippy
then I looked preppy
I was still me....
Then I was the bad girl in class
then the class clown
then I was the smart girl
then I was the school captain
I was still me....
I finished school and I never visited my peers from high school I never visited my fave teachers either I moved on
Uni the same
Worklife the same
I change and I change however its never a conscious decision and I don't feel as though I have DID
And then I have it and what the hell do I do
I do what I do to cope with this stigmatising, big brother world, never tell me that I'm wrong because how would you know. You are not me, you have never been what I have been through and I don't need to rationalise it. My life has been a constant stream of check and balance and I have managed to be quite successful in career and picking a life partner.
And now apparently I can't even get the freaking symptoms for the DID right because another did not experience those feelings exactly.
There are so many differing shades of this illness mores the pity that no one bloody researches it because it must be too hard...
Just like its too damn hard to look after a child who's depending on you or be kind to someone that is being victimised and put through more emotional abuse at school, or at work re relational aggression (quite interesting look it up) further making it important that one must ensure that those bastards never win.
Did anyone ever think that the reason that DID and BPD since the 80's are becoming more common place is because society has had a massive paradigm shift in sharing experiences and learning from them and improving life for future generations instead of what stays behind closed doors stays there?
Do you think it's further compounded by anger issues associated with denial and the fear of stigmatism that stops us from seeking the help in the first place?
Sorry I just vented but I've been thinking these things all day post reading an earlier response

[LouR]

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
When she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.

[GypsyRosalie]

I haven't read what the others above have to say because I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to reply to you.

I believe that dreams are a very personal thing. If this dream felt to you like a break through or a connection with your alters, then it very well could have been.

I have seen my alters in dreams as well, but they do things I would never have done. I think it is like a replay of things done in the past by them that was kept from me. Good luck with your dreaming.

Cas

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I wanted to add, i have had dreams sort of, about my parts. But they werent in their form but were in the form of wild animals. In the dreams (more than once) there were two tigers, two lions, a jaguar a bob cat and two small leopards (child size but not infants) i do think you can dream of your alters, but with the message you sent, to me it seems more of a guilt of not being able to help more or guilt of giving the wrong advice

[LouR]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I wanted to add, i have had dreams sort of, about my parts. But they werent in their form but were in the form of wild animals. In the dreams (more than once) there were two tigers, two lions, a jaguar a bob cat and two small leopards (child size but not infants) i do think you can dream of your alters, but with the message you sent, to me it seems more of a guilt of not being able to help more or guilt of giving the wrong advice

I think your right about that part about the advice and the guilt, I think though that was an event that happened during my day as it was on my mind as well as the research on DID that jumbled together and was probably why my alters were showing/telling me the different things I wanted to do with that individual.... but honestly at the time of the conversation with that person I wasn't thinking of any of that stuff at the time.

It started with a nurturer with misguided means of showing support through intimacy
The pragmatist who stopped it and turn the alarms off
The alarms censoring what I was doing
Feeling scared at the end of it, confusion as I don't feel that way inclined towards that person.

For me that makes sense and I can live with that and you guys have helped me with that recognition.

Thank you
Lou