Worried about my pets.

I am really worried about my boyfriend and my pets. He has DID and we previously found out that one of his alters had been abusing my cats at home. The two of them were so frightened that they stopped coming home. This was months ago and it's still an absolute task to get them, they're scared of him. Until last Wednesday I hadn't seen the female cat for about three months, it's that bad. The male cat, who always ran to me whenever he saw me in the street, now runs away from me. It's devastating. The fact they were clearly terrified to go home spurred me to demand he get his alters to search his psyche to find out what had been going on and they found that an alter had been creating false memories as he abused and tormented my cats. I punched said alter in the face, which probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I love my cats and I was so upset. He also came in one day claiming that the female cat had bitten him unprovoked, yet he uncovered that that was a fake memory and that the alter had been tormenting her and she had retaliated.

Since then, he got his alters to "kill" this abusive alter so that it could never hurt my pets again. But I'm not so sure. A lot of accidents seem to happen with my pets when I'm not in the room. Examples include;

- My rat Cookie who I had only had for about two months fell off the back of the sofa while I was upstairs. My boyfriend came upstairs to tell me he had fallen and now he wasn't moving. I came downstairs and the rat's back was broken, and he died in my hands. People on the rat forum told me that usually rats are fine falling from fair heights and that my rat was very unlucky.
- The female cat, who I didn't see for 3 weeks, finally came in last Wednesday. Everything was fine with her, she was sitting on our laps etc and seemed content. I left the room and came back to find that she had pooed on the sofa, and even bled everywhere, my boyfriend had cleaned it up and put the cushion cover in the washing machine.
- The cat above was fine since the pooing incident. Today whilst I was upstairs cleaning the bathroom and I came back to find her terrified on the table and she had peed herself on the table despite the litter tray being right next to the table.
- Today whilst I was just getting out of the shower I heard my new rat, Silas, squeaking extremely loudly and constantly for the amount of time it took me to get from my bedroom to the living room. I found my boyfriend with the rat in his hands, claiming that he had stood on his tail by accident. I went back upstairs to finish getting dried and when I was on my way back I heard Silas squeaking again and my boyfriend said he'd just been gently squeezing his tail to see if it had been damaged by him standing on it.

I don't want to think that he might, once again, be abusing my pets, be it him or an alter. But I can't help but wonder why all these little 'accidents' happen when I'm not in the room. I don't want to ask him about it because it feels awful accusing him of something like this even if it has happened before. Am I in denial?

Kaz x

I cant tell you what the mental health community believes about this stuff in England but here in New York USA the mental health community believes DID type alters do ***Not***die and cannot be "killed". you might want to consider contacting mental health treatment providers there in England. they can tell you whether they believe DID type alters can kill each other..

see here in the USA if an alter is killed or dies the body also ddies because the alter is living with in the body of the host..

example when one of my alters self injured, the physical body was harmed. when an alter tried to commit suicide the physical body that the alter resided in came close to dying, it was only through the quick thinking of my therapist that got me to the hospital so my stomach could be pumped. when the alter tried to commit suicide my physical body was harmed, bruised..

another example I had an alter that smoked, the physical body had the result of lung problems.

another example when one of my alters drank, my physical body had the result of a hang over, kidney/liver deterioration,

another example when my alters had sex the physical body they resided in bore the results of that.

when one alter does harm to another alter they are in fact doing harm to their self and the physical body.

my point is here in New York USA we believe the alters though they are just alternate personalities they are connected to the physical body and what happens to the alters happens to the body.

As for the harming animals there may not be anything you can do about that. Here where I live and work it is believed that alters have their own way of being, they have their own jpb/purpose/reason for being. if the animal harming alters job/purpose/reason for being is to harm animals then thats what they will do and nothing can change that.

you may have to make a decision of either

staying with your boyfriend and not owning any pets until their alters are integrated and they are no longer a danger to animals

or you may have to decide to keep the pets and say goodbye to the boyfriend,

or you may have to decide to institutionalize/ commit the boyfriend to inpatient at a mental health hospital because they are a danger to others/animals.

I dont know how they do things in England in regards to animal cruelty, but if you were here in NY USA his harming animals would be a crime that holds yrs in jail and his being unable to own any pets for 5 yrs or more and you could possibly be prosecuted too because you are aware of the danger he poses and still have pets that he could harm.

Im an animal lover so if this was me theres no doubt I would say sorry hun but you got to go, the animals cant speak for their self and cant protect their self as their owner I have to do that for them, just as if the pet was my son or daughter. Im the responsible adult they are just pets, good bye..

Yes I actually had to do that, not because of DID problems but because I was involved with someone who constantly terrorized one of my dogs.. I gave them the boot, kept the dogs and a better more loving woman came into my and my dogs lives.

I really think something is wrong here. I have a dog and I have a part that absolutely hates her. But just like everybody with DID I take steps to make sure that part doesn't harm my dog. People with DID can take responsibility for their parts. His parts shouldn't be hurting animals without him having any say in it. When I start to feel that part come on I lock myself in the bathroom, away from my dog and I set guidelines that that part is allowed to get upset in the bathroom, but it's not allowed to touch my dog, ever. He should be able to do the same. Protect your pets. And don't blame the DID.

If one of my insiders were harming animals like that i would ask to be locked up - to be sent somewhere where that alter and i could get help, at the very least. I would plead for that even if my alter didn't want that. There is animal abuse in my hx too -things i won't get into

I have 4 cats and love them dearly. I know some of my insiders have the attitude that 'they're just cats' but, thankfully no one tries to harm them. The littles love them very much.

I would talk to the bf. Seems he wouldn't want this and would willing and wanting to do anything to stop it, even if it means being committed for awhile while he works with this insider to stop it and get it worked out. Just my opinion.
good luck

Im sorry but I have to disagree here. just because you and your internal system were able to take these preventative measures does not mean everyone with DID in your words "He should be able to do the same."

not every one with DID has control over what their alters can and cant do..

example I had no control over what my alters did and didnt do. my alters were so categorical (other locations use terms like "compartmentalized" "definite" "Marked" "separated" "behind the wall" the DSM uses the term "distinct") that I had absolutely no control over what my alters wore, said, did, thought, ate, or even how they behaved. my alters all had their own way of being, their own reason for being, their own job....

for me and my alters there was no such thing as ok Angry one you are not to do this and this, or ok Rainy you cant cry anymore unless you are in this room or that room, there was no ok Sunny no laughing in the car, you can only laugh when we are at home in the bedroom....

most of the DID people that I know in my personal life and through my job, do not have the kind of control over their alters where they tell their alters what to do and what not to do.

it takes a heck of a lot of coconsiousness and many many yrs of therapy to develop that level of trust and communication with alters for most DID people I know,

for me the only thing that stopped my alters from acting out, doing things I did not approve of was their integration where we all became one person again. now there are no alters acting out because there is just me and everything they were became me.

my point is everyones internal system of alters is different, just because one person can control what their alters say and do does not mean everyone who has DID has that ability.

I was always taught by my DID specialists that you take responsibility for your alters. Fair and square. I mean for instance. The cat is bleeding and she walks in and her BOYFRIEND is cleaning it up. Wasn't that an opportunity for him to realize something is wrong? Did she ask him what happened? Did he lie to her? Sometimes you can't blame the DID, you have to take responsibility for things. Not only that, but that part is part of a system and if that part can't play nice then that part can ruin it for everyone. It's part of being on a team.

Just like you're working on a team project and Billy doesn't do his part, you still get docked for it.

I fully understand your point and agree, but my point is not everyone has the amount of coconsciousness that will allow them to put strict boudaries and limits on what their alters can and cant do...

I used me for the example.. no matter how much I tried, no matter how much my treatment providers tried nothing could change my alters to doing what I and my treatment providers wanted them to do. I could write out and post hundreds and hundred of notes around the house (and probably did) and still my alter that was violent continued, my wife tried sitting with us talking with each alter as they happened to appear and still the violent ones continued, my treatment providers tried setting down the rules during therapy and during inpatient and still the violent ones continued..

what it boiled down to is the violent alters were there to be violent.. thats what their purpose/job/reason for being was..I was forced to do some down right violent acts by my abusers, I could not handle nor do that so my brain dissociated me and created alters who 's purpose/job and reason for being was to be violent.

in cases like this yea I took the blame because it was my body that was used to perform violent acts with but there was no getting through to the alters who were created for that reason... to be violent because I the aware self could not handle being violent..

did I take responsibility no, not before I was integrated because to me I wasnt the one being violent. After I was integrated did I take responsibility no, I did not choose to be violent, I did not choose to have /create violent alters and to me it wasnt me that was violent.

theres a difference between taking blame for something and taking responsibility. taking the blame is just an action people can do accept that someone else is blaming them for something and say ok what ever and move on.. Taking responsibility means you know at the time you are doing something that you are doing wrong and accepting that with that wrong doing there is going to be consequenses and completing the consequences, feeling remore and truely being sorry for what was done wrong..

my violent alters were doing so outside of my awareness, I could not share the horrors and other feelings that come with commmitting acts of violence and then having remorse because I wasnt aware the violent acts were happening at all..

Lydia try something for me.. imagine your best friend walked in and told you where to go, you have no knowledge of what you did that caused this outburst by your friend, just out of the blue your friend snaps at you.

the result is you feel confusion because you have no idea whats going on, to you its one second you are watching tv and the next your friend is blasting off at you. everything in between is a total blank. sure you can accept the *****blame***** for what ever your friend is blasting off about but you have no feelings about what actually happened because you dont know what happened, you did not experience what happened.

gosh knows all my life before I was integrated I was being blamed for all kinds of things that to me were things ****I**** did not do and because I had little to no connection/co consciousness with my alters I couldnt feel guilt, happiness, sadness, remorse whatever over anything that happened during the time I was dissociated.

it was only after I was integrated that I was able to discover all the violence those alters did because with integration their memories became mine. there are many times in which my alters were violent and its not possible for me to take responsibly (having knowledge of the wrong doing and knowing it was wrong and own up to the wrong doing and accept the consequences for the wrong doing, while being truely sorry/remorseful) for what my alters did because by the time I was integrated those violent acts were in the past. I did and still do go through guilt over what happened while my violent alters were in control but like my treatment providers tell me...I did not set out to commit violent acts with full knowledge of right and wrong, those alters were created for the purpose to do violent acts, it all happened outside of my control and knowledge so theres nothing for me to feel guilty about.

what matters is that now that Im integrated I have that knowledge and can prevent any further acts of violence because I am the one in control now.

my point wasnt that DID people cant control their alters and cant take the blame and cant take responsibility..

my point was / is that ****not every DID person has the ability to control their alters., many and most that I know of including me have no control over it.****

your having so much co consciousness and control over your alters may open more doors for how your treatment providers are working /pushing the "you are responsible" side of things. my treatment providers never went that route with me because they know everything that happened with me and my alters was out of my awareness and control and it was evident very early on that I would never be able to develop that kind of co consciousness and awareness for that approach to work, for me there was mostly amnesia, blank spots, memory gaps, time loss what ever you want to call it so we could not develop communication and all that your treatment providers do with you. all we could do was work on my symptoms/problem areas/ traumatic memories as they surfaced, if and when they surfaced and integration issues as it happened.

I am glad that you have the ability to talk with your alters, have control over what your alters can and cant do and are aware of what your alters are doing so that you can control them.. it makes things so much easier then dealing with the unknown every step of the way.

Thanks to everyone that understands that my boyfriend doesn't know what's going on... It's not his fault and he can't control it... But that is the reason why I am thinking of leaving him... I do not want to live without pets and I do not want to live in fear of him hurting me or my pets... I've made a new thread about my current feelings if anyone wants to have a read and give advice...

Kaz x

I think Amandalouise I was transferring a little bit. I think because I often blame myself for what my violent alters do and unlike you, nobody tells me that it's not my fault. They blame me also. I always end up feeling really guilty for the people that were effected. I carry a lot of shame around for these things and I spend every living moment hoping, wishing and praying that they don't happen again. I am always violent towards myself though, but it still effects other people, a lot and I'm very ashamed that I don't have control over them, and I think some of my parts think that I should. So if I think that I should, then I think that everyone with DID should.

kazine- just saw it, off to read it.

IMO your pets look to you to provide a safe environment. They cannot protect themselves. That many 'accidents' is unprecedented and cannot be pure bad luck? A decision is needed to re-home the fluffies, if you want to stay with your fella. Best of luck to you. x