[Evangelista]

I have been awake now since 1:00 am..my usual get up and go mode where the thoughts are already going I just have to catch up to them...but.. at times when I loose track of hope and recovery my T reminds me of my dream, so... I am going to share it, feel free if you have any dreams..not just goals..but dreams:

I want to purchase some land, just a few acres, far away from the city, up in or near the mountains. I would love to be able to hear the wind rustling thru the pines..I would like to put a small cabin or build a small home on it..not to big..not real fancy..just home..there would be a couple of horses, some other animals, definitley dogs, lots of doggies..but not so much that I would be called "that Pet hoarder down the lane"..smile.. and my own garden to tend where I could grow veggies, and lavender..herbs..cool stuff..

I would have a another building, maybe a barn with a loft, that I could use as my art studio, where I could go and draw and paint, create pieces of what the inside world is like to show the outside world..again nothing fancy or expensive..I like fixing things..but someday..

My T helps me to keep that dream in front of me, he thinks I can get there when I get thru the worst of this..

[OneAndMany]

First, sorry to hear that you've been awake again. I wish for you some nights with good sleep soon.

What an awesome dream! I've always talked about having a home in country, but never so detailed or thought out. I can practically picture your dream home.

I don't have a dream right now and I think I'm going to start considering it. Might make things a little better in the short run to be able to hold on to a dream.

Thanks, Evangelista!

Elizabeth

When I found out I had a terminal desease I made a list of what I wanted to do before I died. see my music idol in concert - completed. go to a famious country music amusement park - unable to complete as it has been sold and closed down. Raise a child - completed as much as I am ever going to be able to do unless I have another child.

My list has been completed. So what do I dream of doing now -

well on top of the pre-existing terminal desease I have since been diagnosed with cancer. The only thing I want now is life every night I hope that I wake up the next morning still cancer cell free, still able to stand up (some days that means with my critches but hey Im still standing right), still able to cook my own meals, and dress myself and take care of myself instead of being in a hospital. and hopefully with my being here still when my child turns 18 and can come home.

Knowing now that life is definately not a guarrenteed thing I no longer think - some day I am going to....

Now I think - Today I am going to.. and make that day the best day I can. Yea sometimes lifes awards don't help in making my day the best day ever.. but like everything else I can choose what I do with the award that I am handed. I can let it bring me down or I can tackle it and find the humor and good side of it in the process. So that at the end of the day I do have some good that has happened that day dispite life awards zapping me.

[wanttoheal]

My dream is to not only be safe, but to feel safe as well. Some day I will have that, T says. We are working toward finding a safe place for me and I am holding on to her hope until I can hope.

[Evangelista]

(((One and Many))), ((((((Myself)))))), (((((Wantto))))

Thank you for sharing your dreams. I think having something to hold onto just for me..means something important...I am the oldest child..most of the time made the sacrifices...then in my marriage..the same thing occurred..I learned at a very very young age there was not a thing that a people could not take away from me..not one thing.. including my life..this progressed thru out my life and thru a violent marriage where I was less than human..I got so used to the idea of dying that I really had a problem, and still do sometimes, on living...so I started pretending..if I could live..where would I want to live, at first it started out as a cave..seriously thats how bad it was...but over time and in Therapy it has evolved into my Dream...

I try to keep it safe and cocooned away from some of the abusive internals where they can do damage to it and make it not mine...but..its kept really deep, layered, someday..I hope..when we are better..it can be real..

((Myself)) thank you for sharing so much of yourself..know that you are in my thoughts, as well as you One and Many & Wantto...take care ...

((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))) and you are in my thoughts also. hang in there.

[Evangelista]

Thanx ((Myself)) for everything..

(I kinda am going off topic here but I did not want to post anywhere else)

Oh I got to share..please be patient..I know and understand everyone’s system is different the way it evolves, the way it copes, the different mechanism..because people are different, the abuse/traumas/horrors are different…so please…I don’t know if anyone has these types of..oh I don’t know what to call it..alters who can manipulate or produce visual hallucinations..but for some reason mine do and they are becoming very adept at using them because now they see me reacting to them..a form of manipulation..and they are very disconcerting..some are very violent graphic horrible stuff…

My T tells me part of the main issues in my Therapy is working with the way my system throws these things out..well I have been pretty worn and ragaedy this week the PTSD symptoms have been pretty bad…I have been agitated, irritable, reactive, etc…so in session yesterday..I was switching pretty rapidly..T was using grounding techniques and guided imagry to help calm things down..

Well it started out ok..calming..soothing places, by a waterfall, the sounds of nature, images of little bunnies and baby bears..birds..the deep breathing..waterfall flowing into a stream, then into a calming pond..but..yikes..my mental processes took over..I was still very much relaxed and calm..but suddenly the pond became a black and bubbling tar pit..and the calming gentle creatures, the bunnies and baby bears (sorry Hillbunny, sorry Fuzzy)..were being horribly sucked into this tar bit..
And just as suddenly they weren’t real bunnies or bears but animated stuffed toys and the sounds they were making were like the voice over of a cartoon..you know “Mr Bill” type voices…I don’t know but suddenly I didn’t feel horror but absolutly bust a gut laughter..I was dragged out of the guided imagry rolling over off the couch..my T thought I had finally cracked..he had never seen me laugh out loud and the session was going so badly..he was worried until I told him what had happened..I knew who had turned the pond into the Tar Pit..and I figured out who made the stuffed animals..but the whole scene…just had me amazed..I think what really triggered the release of emotional energy (Laughter) was not the scene that had evolved but that I knew the alter who had turned the pond into a Tar Pit..he is a really “bad dude” …and that the image was meant to upset me and cause me to react badly..but another alter that has a really great sense of humor..added the other effects..so it was not so much the scene I was busting a gut from but from the fact that this alter who throws out these horrible torture hallucinations at times…was foiled by the other alter..adding her two cents in..OMG we both were laughing and amazed..Instead of leaving the session all depressed, agitated and anxious, I laughed all the way out to the parking lot..actually gave me the energy to go for a walk by the lake..which I haven’t been able to do in months…sorry I am just so surprised at times of the complexity of this stuff..boggles one(s) mind..thanx for listening..wierd huh…

Poor stuffed animals…don’t worry I am sure they survived the ordeal..

((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))

A Childs imagination can go anywhere. For example maybe as a child you saw a documentary or cartoon where animals or cartoon animals got stucK or sucked into a tar pit, sand pit quicksand pit. and now you are thinking about that and building it into a hallucination.

But maybe its not a hallucination Maybe someone at one point while you were watching this on tv or movie emotionally abused you by telling you if you ever told you would end up in a tar pit being sucked down. maybe what your brain is throwing this piece of memory out to you is that terrifying memory because you somewhere in your brain realized you were feeling comfortable and didn't believe you have the right to be comfortable.

Kind of like at one point In another state it was getting close to the two year mark where I had been living in this one town. I would always have to move about every two yearsbecause of abusers finding me. So here I was in this one town and feeling comfortable and had a caretaking job of taking care of this smart well behaved child after she got out of school for about 3-4 hours a day. The mom and I were really close one of my best friends. But one day I realized I was getting too close to her. That soon I would only have to leave her behind and for my safety and hers never have contact with her again. Instead of waiting it out and enjoying feeling comfortable in the job and relationship I sabitoged it. I started taking the child to another friends house house and having the childs mother pick her up there. She would get there and ask me if everything was alright and I would say yea sure everything is find I just didn't want to be alone. then each time I would "become" more evasive in answering her questions and one day I told her well you know Im in therapy. The reason is because sometimes I get hurt and don't remember doing it. the last time they locked me up in the nut ward for two weeks. That did it. She no longer wanted me to be alone with her daughter. I could still watch her daughter but with my friend at my friends house. Little by little I started having things to do so that my friend eventually took over totlat caretaking of the child. And then when I knew it would not hurt the child I stopped contact completely with these two friends. I didn't have to leave that town for 6 more months and I didn't know when I would have to leave. I sabotaged it some because of having to eventually leave but the most influence factor in it was that I was feeling comfortable.

I have also sabotaged therapy sessions from time to time in the past due to I was afraid to get better. Hey being the way I was I knew what to expect and it was just normal to me but not having everything was going on happen now that was scarey and I didn't want to change or have anything in my life change. So when I would notice things were changing I would do something to sabotage the progress, the therapist, the techniques being used so that they no longer worked.

Maybe that is where you are right now. You maybe felt comfortable with the relaxation visualizations and being comfortable after abuse is scarey so how best to sabotage a relaxation visualization - bring into it a memory that had scared you as a child.

Just my quirky way of looking at all angles. If Im wrong throw the idea away.

Hang in there ((((((((((Scully))))))))))

[Evangelista]

Thanks for sharing Myself..but I dont think that is what happens with my system..The hallucinations I get are rather..graphic...I have been reassured by several Therapists in the field, that..these happen..at first I was afraid of the diagnosis of Schizophrenia, since my sister has this..but I had a University Proff who studies both disorder tell me nope..and the DID group therapist concur..along with my own therapists..its just part of the way my system has adapted itself..

The session was very frustrating because I could not get grounded until we did the visualization..but I guess due to the way my mind does things..it went and started creating its own way of wanting to deal with whatever it's agenda was at the time..My trauma therapist tells us we can create safe places for alters to go to..and has me working on this..so..when things start to overwhelm the system..he can direct them there..he had to do that in a session last week when we were working on the image of a m*rder..the image of the event scared the little one..she had to be taken away to a place where she wouldnt be intefering with me working with the therapist..so I guess I understand how Memory Pieces have a play in this..but in this case its not what is happening...alot of times when I am pressed to process things my head feels like a crowded elevator with everyone trying to get out at once..but thank you for sharing....take care ((Mulder))..

you're welcome. hang in there.