[ThisWayOut]

I'm not quite sure what is going on, but it's different than before... I used to dissociate but still have some connection to the chaos inside and some measure of control over it. Lately, I know things are crashing in the background, but I have no connection to it and no control over it. I emailed my T about it, and will be talking to him again later this week, but I am desperately trying to make sense of it in my head before then.
I have a history of severe dissociation that lead to a suicide attempt, but it doesn't feel the same this time. All the specifics of the planning are just out of my awareness. I know it's going on, but I don't know what it is. I get flashes of the thoughts, but nothing solid that I can refute or work against. It's scary. I don't want to end up in the cycle of hospitalizations again. I want my future to be different than my past, only I'm not sure how to go about it... has anyone felt like this? I know most here are diagnosed DID, but anyone who is just dx with a "simple" dissociative disorder; has this ever happened? how did you handle it? :/

[Claritytoo]

There are times when others are considering options (not like suicide) but financial options, work options, no work options etc. I most often become aware of what they are discussing by having their considerations come in conflict with something else I have planed. Usually if I ask " what is on your mind? Does anyone have anything they want to say" someone will tell me something. I don't think they are trying to keep secrets. It's just I seem to have three groups that tend to talk amongst themselves. Maybe if you ask if someone is upset or planing on doing something to the body, they will tell you. Sometimes it's that simple.

[Depressive]

I am in my early thirties and have struggled against the fear (yet inevitability) of severe depressive episodes as far back as I can remember. I am in the depths of another one. They are really damaging to ones health, wellbeing, appearance, social relationships, everything. While I'm only in my early thirties I feel (and probably look) like a hunch-shouldered old man.

I seem to exist between states of high(er)-functioning mild depression and low-functioning major depressive episodes. There are black holes in my life that have been swallowed up by depression. Just as I think I've finally put the whole mess behind me, another event visits itself on me. I exist in a fog, I feel separated from other people. While this time may be less severe and anxiety-ridden than the others, it's still incredibly difficult to get through a day. I have undergone therapy, I know the causes and triggers - yet never quite seem to be able to anticipate it or alleviate the symptoms.

[ThisWayOut]

Claritytoo, I do not carry a DID diagnosis, just a history of severe dissociation. There is no one else to ask about the stuff out if my awareness... sometimes i wish i did so i could have some better idea what is going on.
I ended up taking to my t tonight, and he made me feel better about what is going on. I still don't think i was describing it correctly, but i think he got some of what i was saying. We were able to come up with the description of dissociation, but to the other side of the *wall* - being on the side that is determined to stay alive and not in the side determined to self-destruct. We came up with a safety plan, and were able to talk about it. That was a huge step for me, since the last time we talked about it, the concept triggered dissociation.
I still feel a little worried about how things are going in my head, but at least he knows my fears. I also have a set of instructions to follow should anything come up to compromise my safety. I still feel like there's heavy-duty stuff going on...

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

Claritytoo, I do not carry a DID diagnosis, just a history of severe dissociation. There is no one else to ask about the stuff out if my awareness... sometimes i wish i did so i could have some better idea what is going on.
I ended up taking to my t tonight, and he made me feel better about what is going on. I still don't think i was describing it correctly, but i think he got some of what i was saying. We were able to come up with the description of dissociation, but to the other side of the *wall* - being on the side that is determined to stay alive and not in the side determined to self-destruct. We came up with a safety plan, and were able to talk about it. That was a huge step for me, since the last time we talked about it, the concept triggered dissociation.
I still feel a little worried about how things are going in my head, but at least he knows my fears. I also have a set of instructions to follow should anything come up to compromise my safety. I still feel like there's heavy-duty stuff going on...

I didn't know you weren't DID. I am glad to hear you talked to your t and that you have a plan to stay safe. I like the idea of staying on the side of the wall that keeps you safe. I wish you well.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

Claritytoo, I do not carry a DID diagnosis, just a history of severe dissociation. There is no one else to ask about the stuff out if my awareness... sometimes i wish i did so i could have some better idea what is going on.
I ended up taking to my t tonight, and he made me feel better about what is going on. I still don't think i was describing it correctly, but i think he got some of what i was saying. We were able to come up with the description of dissociation, but to the other side of the *wall* - being on the side that is determined to stay alive and not in the side determined to self-destruct. We came up with a safety plan, and were able to talk about it. That was a huge step for me, since the last time we talked about it, the concept triggered dissociation.
I still feel a little worried about how things are going in my head, but at least he knows my fears. I also have a set of instructions to follow should anything come up to compromise my safety. I still feel like there's heavy-duty stuff going on...

Im glad you were able to get in touch with your T and work things out a bit.. and you now have a safety plan and instructions to follow...I too have a safety plan in place. now that I dont have alters that can take control when things get rough in my head its up to me to keep myself safe..

one of the hardest things for normal (non DID people) is to have to handle everything on their own. I have even encountered people who wished to be DID so that they would not have to handle the hard stuff in their life..

one thing that helps me is knowing that dissociation (no matter to what extreme) is a completely normal reaction to stress, confusion, pain and other issues on the positive and negative side of things..

so when I find that I am dissociating to the non DID extreme like spacing off, feeling numb, out of touch with whats going on in my mind/body or around me, I stop what Im doing. Take time to breath some deep breaths, smell the roses (or what ever other aromatic objects/smells are nearby) I even keep scented candles and fresh fruit on hand to help me get grounded (back in touch with my mind/body and surroundings. Another thing I do is get physical, as soon as I can I walk down to the shore and row my canoe around the lake and focus on how my muscles feel, the nature sounds and sights. Then when Im feeling less overwhelmed I walk myself through the problem that triggered the dissociative episode one step at a time.

great job of keeping yourself safe and following your treatment plans.