apologies and more confusion

First, I've read over recent posts of mine and would like to apologize for taking over any treads. I'm still trying to figure out how all this forum stuff works, I think I'm getting it. I'm also not used to the whole reciprocity thing...I'm used to being the one that everyone comes to for advice or whatnot, but never had anyone I could really share with because nobody could relate to what was going on inside. I want you all to know though, that I'm here for you all as well.

I posted this on a my old thread, but I think it just kind of gets lost in the mix, and or is as confusing as I am haha...Anywho...my latest confusion and what has been utterly confusing is the gray area of being DDNOS. I did realize though that I do lose time, so I'm even more confused. Things like (and I can't remember if I already mentioned this) turning around to do the dishes, and realizing I had already done them (but had no memory of it), or coming to realize that I was in the bathroom putting on lotion, and my hair was wet...so I must have just taken a shower. These types of things happen frequently, but I had never mentioned it to t because I just figured I had a lot on my mind (still not sure). t said it may be DID, but we aren't sure because we can't get any parts to tell us who did the dishes! I have parts that won't tell their name etc. as well. I know there was something else I was just going to write...

Oh yeah, and then when we were talking about that in therapy, I got a headache, and she said she has another client who gets headaches when there is internal conflict with an alter (trying to come out, or trying not to come out)...idk confusing. She also started talking to me about violence and how it can get me arrested...but, I haven't done anything (something I will need to address with her to get a better understanding of why this topic came up). Anyway, that night (after therapy), I got an ocular migraine, which I haven't had in a couple years. My left eye had a strobing arc so that I couldn't see for 20 min. out of it, then the painful migraine follows for the next couple of days. Fun stuff.

Seems like there was something else I was going to add...there is just so much. Has anyone had any of these experiences or have anything else they would like to share or add?

I used to get ocular migraines before I lost time...it turned out to be not related to my having DID....my treatment providers told me that because they were not a daily issue and didnt happen every single time I dissociated they were not related, my therapist and I assumed they were related because migraines by their self can cause a person to lose track of time and have memory problems...after taking many tests and documenting what was going on when they would happen, what triggered them, it turned out my migraines were part of my having Multiple Sclerosis and consuming things like caffeinated drinks/foods Now Im on a migraine medication and decaffeinated foods/drinks they rarely happen.

I also got other types of migraines from stress/caffeine and MS but no longer get them thanks to some great MS meds/migraine meds and stress reduction exercises like breathing and grounding.

Suggestion maybe you can keep a journal of when you have these ocular migraines and what triggered them, so that you can live ocular migraine / migraine free.

Another suggestion maybe you can contact your medical doctor who diagnosed you with ocular migraines. they can prescribe the right meds /diet and exercise that will stop them from happening.

I still get regular headaches sometimes that are part of my dissociative problems which is pretty normal for some dissociatives to have because dissociation is a normal reaction to things like stress/anxiety/depression and other things to.

by doing my breathing/grounding/yoga and other relaxing exercises I am able to live headache free most of the time..

maybe your treatment providers can teach you ways to ground/relax yourself so that you will also be able to live relatively free of the headaches.

forgetting what you did when ....well that can happen due to many things too like stress, age, anxiety, medications,..... and does happen as part of dissociative issues.

one thing that helps me with this is letting my treatment providers know this is happening so that my meds can be adjusted/changed and we can come up with plans to fix the problem like keeping a to do list and crossing things off once they have been done, getting enough sleep and eat right since sleep deprivation and poor eating habits can also contribute to dissociation and memory problems...

suggestion keep talking with your treatment providers. they are the ones that know you best so they will be able to teach you how to control your dissociative/memory problems.

if you read around some (not everyone has the kind of time I have for scouring the net for DID info), you'll see that headache of varying intensities (a your mileage may vary- thing) go with switching.
it's pretty common. everybody's different, every system is different. and the possibility it's unrelated to DID shouldn't be forgotten.

For myself, sometimes having more than one part active at the same time, like at a therapy appointment, will leave me feeling semi disembodied and like my head has been pushed all out of shape from the inside. frequently I get an "eyeball" headache, too.
you know, when the ache is behind one of your eyes?
oh, and I'll be exhausted as well.
I've read a few good ideas about why it can be so tiring. like- it's because running multiple identities at the same time uses way more energy than just one. is it true? IDK. but it's kinda funny.

I have had to fight to stay "on top" during a few intense therapy appointments. I have really weird experiences and sensations at times like that. like feeling as though I am upside down suddenly, or like the room is slowly spinning or rolling over, like I am shrinking, and changes in perception. Like things being closer, or father away than they should be. it's pretty weird.

The thing is that it's a completely subjective experience. and there's no way to really share how it really feels other than words.

I still have parts that will not communicate with me. I have some that will do what ever they can to knock therapy off track. I have intense issues with shame over parts being seen, and because I have DID in the first place.
Which I know is not logical.
You sort of have to put aside any thoughts of any of this being logical and predictable and take it as it comes.

I was pretty focused when I started this, but it's gone a bit awry. if any of this is helpful, great. if not? sorry 'bout that

jax

I have similar experiences with headaches and I didn't think they had anything to do with my DD until I started going to therapy. I started trying to keep a journal when I realized days were missing, and (someone) was writing about things I had no idea about. It took me a long time to figure out that the headaches were connected to my "switching". Now I pay more attention to them and I use the headaches to monitor what is going on with me. I used to have constant daily headaches to the point where I thought I was having migraine clusters. I mean I really thought I was going crazy with all the pain and doctors had me on so much medication trying to deal with migraines and I went through a whole year and a half before I just couldn't take it anymore. after a while I even had some doctors accusing me of being a drug addict. I had my own people saying that I was "just making up excuses" and "I was lazy" and didn't want to do anything. I ended up at the psychiatric hospital and they put me on Haldol and that's when the headaches slowly started to become less and less. Thank God I found a good doctor who had enough sense to ask more questions and diagnosed me with BPD/DD.Now I know what they are and I don't freak out like I used to. I accept the fact that it's part of my condition. that doesn't make it any easier or less painful but I feel better knowing what's going on

*nods* similar here too

Thank you as always for your insight! I went through testing for everything under the sun because of health issues, including the ocular migraines, bizarre visual field test results, pain etc etc etc. I had a positive ANP antibody (ironic 'ANP' haha) which would indicate Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, but they thought it was a false positive so sent it out again and it was false. Reumatologist declared fibromyalgia after MRI clear for MS, and a billion other tests for autoimmune diseases. I exercise everyday, meditate, eat & sleep well, avoid alcohol etc, but I did forget about the caffeine...I think I could use more grounding techniques to stay in the now (so very very very hard). Thank you for this, I will mention it tomorrow to t. The med that the neuro gave me for the migraines is Reglan (which I only take prn and helps, but makes me sleepy) I have to take that because anything else upsets my tummy. I go to the chiropractor every week as well which helps a lot, but I must say that the headache I got in therpay last week felt odd to me. Keeping track of them is a fab idea! Now if I can just remember to keep track hahaha. I write lists all the time, but I think I definitely also need to honor just how much I'm doing. I know that a big part of not remember some things is that I am just doing so very much, the job of 5 people really. I have always chalked it up to that anyway, even when I have had zero recollection of what I was thinking or anything else when the time is gone. Sometimes I can look back and if I think in sequence, I can get the time back...sometimes I can't. Sometimes it feels so hard waiting a full week to get my one hour with my t.

That might as well have been me writing a lot of that...I have such similar experiences! Often times (what I know now to be parts) they have interfered with my progress in therapy (25 years of therapy actually). When t starts talking, I can't even hear her anymore, sometimes I start getting something like a visual fog and a tunnel kind of thing as well. I constantly fight to stay present, and I had often lost that battle (but, I'm better able to concentrate when she is speaking to parts directly, I just can't always tell who is really in the drivers seat, and I'm really not even truly aware if all parts are listening.

The part about illogic is helpful too, especially where I have always been so logical and shoved my emotions down, this is something I agree I need to let go of, because it could drive me bonkers trying to make it all fit in perfect files. My first session in the table technique, I thought I was going to pass out from exhaustion! I hope with all hope that this all means progress because I, like everyone else have so much on the line (really, more so for me now than ever). I'm hopeful for us all!!!! I also see that your status says "hurting", and I do hope for you to have some relief!

I think keeping track is a fantastic idea. I think I'm going to also tell t more about what goes on for me...I've always been an under-reporter, and I think this has caused so many more problems. It sounds as though being aware of switching while doing the work can help to have more awareness...which I absolutely need. I'm glad you were able to find a good doc, that is so important! Thank you for this!