Trying to figure out whats wrong

For 6 months ive been obsessing about solipsism; what if nothing is real, what if my mind created everything. Sounds crazy I know. But it wont stop. Has anyone had this terribly bad and made it through? Is there hope that one day this will be behind me? This is really my first bout with mental issues, so I don't know how much I should hope. Its like I know theres a problem with me, that the thoughts aren't true, but I just cant convince myself...hard to explain. I just want to feel like I have my family back.... Ill be seeing a pdoc soon, but im just interested if this sounds like it could be something more than just anxiety/ obsessive thoughts...

The thinking process you are describing regarding repetitive thoughts is familiar to me. This thinking did not slow down until I started taking Zoloft. It took about two weeks of taking the medication before I noticed a change in my repetitive and sometimes compulsive thoughts. I know medication is not for everyone but it helped me.

my own treatment providers call this by many things.....normal philosophical thoughts, obsessive thoughts, psychosis, delusional thinking, manic thoughts, and many others too.... it all depends upon other accompanying symptoms ...

Im glad you will be seeing a pdoc soon, they will be able to tell you if this is normal or a mental/medical symptom of other things with in you.

Did you have these thoughts? Im so afraid ill have them forever!

I had thoughts like that on and off but not what I would call repetitive. What I found out about myself was the more I told myself not to think about something the more I thought about it. I found exercise and reading helped me to focus on something else other than what was in my head.

Been there, done that a LOT. And now life is better and I'm still here. One of the questions my therapist asked me, and now I will ask you, is: What's the worst thing that could happen if nothing is real?

I guess to answer that is I would feel alone...and not be motivated to get married, or have kids. I know its silly, but that's the kind of stuff I think about. Do you not believe it so much now Montana? Since im afraid its like I feel I believe it, even if I don't want to.

No, I don't believe it now. The threat of "unreality" has pretty much receded and only bothers me if I get a flareup of depression. I don't know what caused it to recede....In some ways, maybe being "distracted" by life responsibilities helped, I dunno. There are no doubt things in the therapy process that helped, too, but I can't put my finger on anything discrete about it that I can describe.

Another question my therapist asked was, "What does 'real' mean?"

So you couldn't convince yourself when you were searching for an answer while you were afraid, you just noticed one day you weren't thinking about it and not believing it anymore?

Sort of. Basically I just kept going, one day at a time, and as other parts of life got better, I became more able to engage in life. That meant I "got a life" lol, and I think maybe some of was that I got distracted away from that circular stuck thinking. Once I got out of the stuck place, the actual thought/worry became less important and eventually dropped away.

Yes, im hoping when the fear and depression decreases, and I feel better, the thoughts will seem less threatening. Im at a point now where ive been having suicidal thoughts im so sad. I don't want to doubt forever...

Have you talked to your doctor about the suicidal thoughts? I have had them in the not so far past but I know somewhere inside that I will not cause my own death. But it is not something I dealt with alone. I talked with my therapist and worked through my thoughts.

Hi otulissa,

I went through very similar things as what you described a couple years back, more details on how I got there can be found in my recent introduction post. But, I while heartedly feel you on the fear part, and if it is going to last forever, and the other common thoughts with that. For me it was 'Why do I feel...off?' Like you just know you're not experiencing stuff the way you did before; part of you tries to ignore it but it doesn't go away quite; part of you dwells on it and tries to work through what's going on.

In my case, I tried to ignore it for the better part if a year, hoping and trying different things like exercising, quitting smoking for a while, eating well; though I just couldn't shake that 'surreality' I felt. After having to quit a job I held across the country and moving back home, I realized this was bigger than me and my friends (who knew nothing of what I was going through), and decided to seek professional help and counseling.

I'm really glad you are seeing someone. There are no guarantees on anything; but in my case I found help in counseling and prescriptions for Zoloft and lamictal. And after these years, I have returned to be very much who I used to, not without the occasional vivd memories and anxiety here and there, but overall I found in my exp the more I open myself to talking things over with a person trained in the field, the better I get overall.

There's hope! It can be scary many times, or most of the time, but just remember there's people who love ya and people who can help you (and this forum, which I've found to be so helpful). Just wanted to let ya know you can keep your chin up, you're doing exactly the right thing in going about figuring out what's going on.

I don't really ever think that it may not be real but I do convince myself that it isn't real... It never lasts that long though... anywhere from a few hours to a week.

I have found that it has happened more often ever since I moved away and got a house, just my kids and myself and our house became calm, happy and a safe place to be in. When I think it isn't real I start searching for the yelling, the anger and the abuse and when I can't find it because its all been removed now I set myself into the nothings real spin.

Knowing that I have to be in the 'real' world with my kids and be their mother I start panicking about getting back to my real kids. Sometimes hugging and talking with my kids can be enough for me to see they are real but not always

Last time I had a huge panic about it I was talking to my ex on the phone, telling him he wasn't real and that I needed to get back to my kids... He said something that has stuck with me ever since.

He said "I can assure you when I hang up this phone I don't just disappear, I have problems and if your really dreaming stop punishing me life is crap at the moment"

It didn't mean much straight away... but a few hours later it brought me out of it and I started laughing at the thought that I'd have enough power to effect someone else's life and make them appear and disappear at will.

Maybe it might help to find something that you can cling too and check upon to know if the world is real or not?

The whole "derealization" thing is considered by the DSM people to be anxiety-connected rather than dissociation-connected. Many people seem to get relief by pursuing anxiety treatments.

Hey viamoonlight, do you dream? Of you do, what's it like? Jw

I love my dreams they are always peaceful places. When I enter them sometimes I can't get back out without causing an accidental death or disappearance to that dreamed person. I am unsure why I make them die when I don't want to leave the place, the hit of their death often causes grieving/tears and feelings of loss to my real self for a couple of days before returning back to my normal numb mode... Most of the time they are short like a daydream or a wish of what if or something.

Most of the time I dream of being a child and having a real mother usually cooking cakes together and stuff. I'm never me in those dreams and in the dreams normally my aunt is my mother but my father is still my father but he is never seen, its kinda just known. In my dreams I was never hit, never emotionally torn apart and nobody ever put themselves on top of me and the house was clean with fresh food and rubbish and food scraps in the bin. I'd be smiling, happy and well balanced... Like the perfect life. The mother (who would be my aunt in real world) loved, protected and cared for me and I'd do thing right or if they were wrong it wasn't an issue... Oh and I'm always a single child in these dreams and for some reason that is a big point in each dream... My mother said that I started saying lies that she put down to dreams at least a year or more before any of my siblings were born, maybe that's why I don't know (might ask psychologist about that during my next appointment )

Most of the time can hear the echo of the real world but its like all that yelling isn't at me, kinda like hearing neighbours having a domestic, its like the voices are muffled (like through walls) and it has nothing to do with you personally everything bounces off and nothing is absorbed, its like not acknowledging your real name nor person... Sometimes will act out the jobs needed in the real world but picture it in a totally different setting and it feels like your in the wrong room of the house doing that action within the dream and in the real world at the same time.

In my dreams I have emotions unlike my real self that is nearly always numb.

When I have the dreams that I am myself... well to be honest I'm not completely sure if those one's are dreams or if they are thinking I'm doing a really good blocked out reality dream... Not sure I'd ever really know for sure... But in those dreams, I normally believe that my real self is in a hospital bed in a coma and I'm dreaming the world (kinda like an entertainment). When like that its kinda dangerous because I start thinking that if I died I'd wake up in the hospital and a lot of what if I did that questions start going through my head eg: Believing I'd wake up in the hospital I start thinking about wonder what it would feel like to crash the car into that tree and actually believe that I will just wake up in reality... Kinda thoughts like, its a dream I can do anything and nobody would ever get hurt or even know about it kinda situation... Feels like I can experience the things in life I normally wouldn't and only I would know. (as such there is nothing in our house that can give me access to trying stuff like that in a dream for safety reasons)

It's very hard to explain the dreams and sometimes I think I have dreams that I don't remember as I'd turn up in different parts of the house or suddenly find myself half way through a smoke when I wasn't in that area... Those times also have darkness, like can't see for a few seconds, everything is just pitch black just before finding myself in a different place. I am unaware of how much time has past or anything, just very disorinated, dizzy and very light headed for a while... But ever since we changed our living environment that doesn't happen very often anymore... It used to be at least once a day thing. I even asked one of my doctors to check to see if I was having automated seizures because the way I would feel afterwards are the same symptoms and signs, apparently I wasn't though. To cope with this, I have alarms go off for everything that needs to be done at a certain time of day eg: picking up the kids from school, cooking dinner etc... seems to work, always seem to get those things done that have alarms (my neighbours must hate me, loud alarms going off all day)

Sorry I am not sure how to actually explain what they are like I hope that this might give an idea though, maybe, hopefully

Moon

I just want to feel like I have my family back, I don't want these doubts forever, it hurts too bad.