Intergration Coming Apart

I am under so much stress I really think my integration is coming apart. Is this possible? ! I worked in therapy for 8 years to get better. I had 32 alters and they all integrated one by one......I am a man, 45 years old for those who are curious. My wife just recently told me she wants a divorce. She started meeting men via the MySpace.com place and since then has moved out. We had moved in with my 80 year old mother who can not live by herself. This made it possible for us both to go to college full-time. Suddenly all the plans I/we had are now totally different! I am so confused and lost. When I woke up this morning I had an erge to write on a piece of paper how my "system" looks now. I don't HAVE a system! I-ME-Uno-ONE! thats suppose to be my "system" CAn this much stress realy break all that work I did in the past back to square one? Anybody have answers?

Tobey

Tobey I am so sorry so much is going on in your life right now. I wish I could give you any insight but I am afraid I don't know. I just wanted you to know I was listening and care.

no it is not possible for memories that have been integrated (remembered and put together) back into the conscious level of thinking to be not integrated (not remembered and put together). short of a physical accident which results in amnesia or your brain cells being damaged or killed you will always remember that that abuse situation that you now remember and no longer act out happened and what happened.

You may be remembering an abuse situation (or a piece of memory that has not been recovered before) that has not yet been remembered something that had to do with some sort of system. it doesn't necessarily mean your mental alters system. suddenly having the urge to draw a sytstem could be a solar system, a plumbing system any kind of system that you were working on during your time of abuse.

If you have remembered your core (the first abuse memory that ever happened to you, which is the youngest memory of abuse that marks the very first time that you mentally dissociated to the point where your memories have been stored at the unconscious level of thinking and later upon being triggered are acted out) then you have reached the end of your unremembered pieces of memories.

If t hat did not happen then you may have more memory pieces that are now coming into your awareness (this is called being co consciousness - being aware of both the present and what is going on around you at the same time as being aware of the memory that is replaying in your mind. If this is what it is you are safe. because as you have already found out by controling the urge to draw the memory of a system with co consciousness comes being able to control your behavior. Great job in doing that. )

Hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time now. Yes, stress can often cause you to react the same way you did before. Dissociation is a coping skill that is normal for you, and if stressed enough, can be your default mechanism.

It is somewhat common for those who integrated their aspects of self to have that collapse a bit under intense stress. When you are overwhelmed, you find you need to segment your experiences to be able to handle them.

Please don't worry about going all the way back to the very beginning. I doubt that would happen. Worrying will cause you more stress, though.

Are you familiar with the steps of grief? Remember that you can be in a stage of grief and then go back to another and forward to one or be in two at the same time...they aren't really clear "steps" to grieving. Integration can be a bit like that.

IMO, you will always have a tendency to dissociate. It worked for you before. Unfortunately as you age, it will work less well.

Try and sort through the stressors in your life right now. See how you can remove or reduce as much as you can. Remember that it's all YOU and nothing foreign controlling you... but you have sent yourself a red flag notice to slow down and reduce your stress, imo.

Good self care is important, and I commend you on noticing that you are overstressed...if you don't think you can recover on your own, then call your T for a bit of support. Take care.

Hello Tobey,

I don't know that there is a cut and dry answer for you, or anyone for that matter. I know there are times that I feel "normal" and then something happens and I'm back to square one. My T says "two steps forward, one step back". I imagine, anyone's life is like that.

Can you remember and employ some of the self-care and grounding and stress - reduction techniques that you used to use while going through your initial therapy? That might help.

Good Luck,
Anne

Thank-you Bipolar Bear, Myself, Sky and Anne for your post. I really do appreciate your concern and thoughts on this. I did some research (right now forgeting exactly where) but from what I read it did say that stress can cause your alters to come back......someone who was DID can have a relapse just as easy as an alcohoic. I though once I intergrated I would be done with this. I did the next day get up again in the middle of the nite and drew out a system. I did not know this till the next morning. Not all of the alters are back but mainly the ones who use to help with things. One though is an alter who use to act out quite a bit. I am nervous about him. I just don't want to have to deal with those issues......again. I am trying to do alot of "self-care" and grounding like use to. It is so hard because I feel like I have been just tossed aside. My wife, we are living separate now...told me yesterday that some guy she has known for over a year now is coming here to michigan to spend time with her and meet her parents till the end of december! I feel like its oh yes I am finished with you I will move on to someone else now. I trusted her......I confided in her...she knows things about my abuse that no one else even knows. I feel very betrayed. I must of been in la la land to not even know this was all going on. I just thought she was worried about hearing if she got in the nursing program where they only take 30 students twice a year and something like over 200 applied.....I was just too stupid I guess. I don't know if I will ever beable to trust again. I feel like my insides have came to an alert, have closed in closer, and are
stancing to protect. All the while I am trying to concentrate on my classes that just started and take care of my moother who informed me yesterday out of the blue that my youngest sister is her favorite! I mean she is 80 so I know she might say things just out of the blue without thinking but that really hurt too.....I have the erge to go color now!!!! and I need to study.

Thanks anyway for your posts.

Tobey

Well apparently one of the alters sent to my thearpist a "system" card. It was right out of my journal that I write in but I had no clue it happened. My T said he was not surprised about this. That I have been under so much stress that going back to dissociate is normal for me. We looked at what led up to me losing time and sure enough the stress level was even higher than most times. SO I have learned something .....once DID always DID. I thought once I integrated that this would not happen any longer. But I guess I was wrong. I am not upset about it I just have to wrap my mind around this new info that this part of me is always going to be around.

Tobey

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Chalkdust said:
I am under so much stress I really think my integration is coming apart. Is this possible? ! I worked in therapy for 8 years to get better. I had 32 alters and they all integrated one by one......I am a man, 45 years old for those who are curious. My wife just recently told me she wants a divorce. She started meeting men via the MySpace.com place and since then has moved out. We had moved in with my 80 year old mother who can not live by herself. This made it possible for us both to go to college full-time. Suddenly all the plans I/we had are now totally different! I am so confused and lost. When I woke up this morning I had an erge to write on a piece of paper how my "system" looks now. I don't HAVE a system! I-ME-Uno-ONE! thats suppose to be my "system" CAn this much stress realy break all that work I did in the past back to square one? Anybody have answers?

Tobey

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While I do not believe that your old system has returned..... for they were integrated back to YOU - it is possible that if you are feeling so overwhelmed that a new alter could arise to take over if you are unable (or) one of the alters still left inside has finally decided to come out.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Tobey.....
My system has changed and morphed many times over the years....the way it is now is not the same as it was 10 or 20 years ago....transformations have occured....
...Anyway...
The most important thing I wanted to convey is just to say Hang In & Hang On...sometimes that's all one can do...Sounds like you have a lot going on right now....and not fun stuff....I'll be thinking about you....
Take Care....
--Angie--

yes once a DID always a DID. The way it was explained to me is that dissociation is normal brain activity. Dissociation is daydreaming yourself out of a situation like driving a car down a street you have been on many times before so instead of focusing on hit the brake here, turn this corner, turn on the flasher and direction lights and other physical mechanics of driving the car the person daydreams - I have to remember to pick up milk at the store, boy I had so much fun last night and so on of the daydream. The person driving the car gets to the destination safely because their brain is running on the stored memories of what to do when the eyes see this sign this corner and so on.

Because a person can always dissociate ( daydream) they can always use that skill they had previously unconsciously used to daydream their self out of the abuse situations and into their mental safe places during the abuse which resulted in their memories of that abuse being stored at the unconscious level of thinking.

Once a memory that has been unconsciously stored has been restored as a conscious memory (co consciousness and integration process) that memory of that abuse situation is forever now stored in the conscious level of awareness.

A person will always remember that thet piece of memory was at one point known as for example "Mary". They will always know how the memory piece known as mary got stored unconsciously by using dissociation (daydreaming).

So then when a new situation that is perceived as being too stressful and abusive that person can again use their dissociation (daydreaming) abilities to daydream thier self out of that new situation and into their safe place. Which would result in the memory of that new situation being stored at the unconscious level of thinking.

that does not mean that the original "Mary" memory pieces are unintegrating back out of the conscious level of thinking. For short of a physical accident like getting hit in the head and having brain cells die those memories in the conscious level of thinking are stored there forever because they are no longer considered a dissociated memory. they are now just normal memories.

what it does mean is that the person dissociated during a situation that they percieved as being stressful and abusive which resulted in NEW memory pieces being stored at the unconscious level of thinking.

It is because of this that therapists work with DID clients on grounding techniques and relaxation techniques BEFORE getting into the harder memories. If the client was constantly perceiving thier present life as abusive there would never be full integration because the person would continue to use dissociation to escape their present life situations and new situations would continue to be dissociated (stored at the unconscious level of thinking) being piled on top of what the therapist and client are trying to take care of of the past memories. this would result in no past memories being remembered because they would be so busy working on present day problems. Because therapist work on present day problems before working on the past so that the client is standing on firm ground first that they would never get to working on the past unconscious memories being acted out.

Which is why therapy for DID is not just for in the therapy room but is a 24/7 type thing. Being DID because dissociation effects every part of my life I have no chioce but to ccarry over what I am learning in therapy into my outside of therapy life.

I can't just use my grounding and relaxation techniques just in the therapy room and then walk out the door and leave therapy in that room.

I also have to use my grounding and relaxation techniques at home, at the library, basically in everything that I am doing I have to constantly and consciously check in with myself to make sure I am grounded and not dissociated. Otherwise my present life situations that I may percieve as abusive and stressful will be stored at my unconscious level of thinking as NEW pieces of memories to be acted out unconsciously.

For example like back in 2004 because of the stress of the holidays and the emotional abuse I was put through by a DHS caseworker (that has since been fired) I totally dissocaited that I had a child. People would ask me how is (childs name) and I would say who? or lie to them because I had no idea who they were talking about. All I knew was there are pictures on my wall of me and this child together and this childs toys are around the house. I started finding pictures around the house with this childs name on it. After working on memory recall work I now remember I have a child with that name but even now there is a huge chunk of memories about my child that I don't have any memory of. So I have no doubt that back in 2004 a memory piece probably with my childs name and my biological age then was created.

this situation happening does not mean that what memories that have already been integrated have come apart. it just means my mind percieved that situation as abusive and I was unable to handle that emotional abuse by the caseworker so my brain stored those memories about my child in my unconscious level of thinking as NEW memory pieces.

Hello Tobey, Take good care..... sorry for all the stress....Just take one day at a time...