What clued you into your DID?

I can remember being a little kid and in dismay at the discovery that somethig I was just doing was now something I didn't know how to do. Or, I suddenly could do something I had no idea how to do. Awareness of missing time came later.

I thought I was perfectly normal. that everyone lost track of the time and what they were doing and so on. I thought everyone had a la la land and fell asleep and woke up hours, days weeks, months and years later, not knowing what date it was or what class I was supposed to be walking to. and so on.

It was a rape crisis counselor who had recognized the symptoms and requested that I be tested. After I came up tested positive as Multiple Personality Disordered at a 10 on the dissociatiion scale I was told by the testing psychiatirist when given my test results and I flat out denied it that most if not all people with MPD (now called DID by the DSM IV TR) don't realize they have MPD or that anything is wrong with them until a therapy professional recognizes the symptoms and has the person tested because there are many mental and physical health problems that carry some of the same symptoms as MPD so those get ruled out and all that left is MPD (DID). I went through a whole battery of tests ruling out tumors, epilepsy, migraines, sleep depravation and so on along with having to do a comprehensive psycological evaluation with suplimental tests for DID. Once all the physical health problems were ruled out the only one left was the diagnosis of being DID in 1989. It wasn't until 2001 that I was forced out of denial of my having DID because my child had been put in foster care temporarily, and I had to learn about it and start taking care of my problems associated with it in order for my child to come home and I only had a year to do it in. Nothing like having your child taken out of the home and told you have one year to get your mental problems on track or parental rights will be revolked and the child will be put up for adoption to snap you out of denial of a diagnosis and kick your butt in gear to cram every ounce of learning, resourses and contacting professionals from one end of the nation to the other for help with setting up what is needed for taking care of things in one year when a typical DID person goes through about 10 years plus therapy time from diagnosis to integration and thats not counting the time the client is bouncing around with this possible diagnosis and that possible diagnosis before eventually being diagnosed as being DID.

You didn't get clued in, you got kicked in the teeth. Sheeesh I am soooo sorry it came down like that for you. mercy me.

Thanks.

The kick in the teeth as in my child being put in foster care? well I have no one to blame but myself for that because if I had taken the time to learn from my therapist and the psychiatrist back in 1989 what DID was and how to take care of it and heal from it my son would not have needed to be placed in foster care in 2001 because I lost it right up to and started to fall over the suicidal edge from DID problems along with depression and so on. I was the one that dropped out of therapy and off my antidepressants and was not learning about triggers and how to use relaxation and gorunding tools and working on remembering those memories that had been separated and stored in my unconscious level so I was acting them out when triggered.

given the one year to take care of everything to DHS standards was definately a kick in the teeth. SKR and I were cramming everything we possibly could into a 24/7 therapy program that included keeping journals and logs and charts and workbooks, art therapy, awareness therapy, stimulating my five senses and emotions with everything possible, relaxation techniques, research and both of us contacting professionals across the USA that specialized in the field of DID, parenting classes, anger management classes depression-anxiety classes. Basically every minute of the day was taken up with some form of therapy. and that includes if I woke up in the night too.

Im a believer in finding the humor and positives in situations I denied my diagnosis for about 12 years and in one year I came out of that denial and crammed well over 10 years of therapy work in and my child was returned to me. Though it only lasted a few months because he came home violent and is now in residential treatment programs but he did come home and he came home to a much healthier parent.and now I continue working thaat same therapy program. Its now habit for me to recognize when I am triggered and use my grounding techniques and relaxation techniques to pull myself back out of that dissociative tunnel of mine. I haven't seen my child in 4 years but I have only gained more stability and awareness since I last saw him. and when I do see him again I know he deserves a parent that can be fully aware, not a parent who is acting out memories and unaware of the time spent with him so I continue on sticking to my therapy program even though I no longer have to.

If my child hadn't landed in foster care I would probably still be denying my diagnosis and floating 95-98% of the time in la la land.

Yea its a bad situation but with every bad situation there is always a positive and the positve is that I am more mentally healthy then I was 5 and a half years ago.

When I was little I used to think that I lived in the TV. I guess I thought I became part of the TV show. Being turned off and on.

But when I started to have problems when I was older. The first thing I noticed was credit cards and bills coming in my name. The collection ppl started calling the house and I didn't know anything about the bills. Things started going missing in my house. Then I ended up having a car accident. I woke up when I rear ended another car. Wasn't very long after that when I was dx'ed. I was already in therapy for an ED at the time.

My H figured it out all by himself. He came out and asked me one day. Was another clue I had.

wow, myself, Montygirl, amazing. Thanks for posting your stories. Teaching all of them how to cope with grounding, self talk etc, has been quite a challenge. Mine break down by emotional age. Little kids cope differently than big kids than adults. I need to keep comfort food for everybody handy.

thanks

I don't teach my memory pieces (alters) how to use the grounding, self talk and so on. If those things are a part of those memory pieces they already do them. I am the one that uses the techniques when aware that in turn prevents me from being triggered and out of control. My memory pieces also break down according to ages the oldest so far has been 30 and the youngest so far is 5 but I know from drawings and conversations with my friends and SKR about my behavior when I am not aware there is problably a few younger., Some of my memory pieces also have a specific feeling and so on. For example "Margo" is my memories of some of the times when I became very angry at what was happening to me.

They are a part of me, basically my memorys so my taking care of me in turn takes care of why those memories replay and I act them out as "Margo" "Mary" "Katherine" and so on.and I do incorporate what things I know about myself at those ages for example I was big on PB&J sandwhiches at one time accoding to my memory pieces so I keep plenty of that around (Along with a steady supply of benedryl because in my adult aware state of mind I have a slight to medium allergy to peanut butter.

I always knew I was DID. Not that I knew what the name of it was of course. My mother and sister also have DID, which of course makes it very interesting for family life. My sister's parts and my parts would be fighting each other to be able to play with another part. Very interesting. I didn't know what the name or label of it was until my sister was dx in 1989. So that was when I knew what was different. To me I thought everyone was this way. I didn't know that you weren't suppose to hear parts, see parts inside, etc. I just thought it was normal. Well in my family I guess it was.

<font color="green">Hi Bunny,

I thought everyone was like me and didn't know it was different until 2001 when I found out my h was having an affair for a long time and it wasn't with one of me (a little DID humor)

It was at this same time, that my father came to visit for the first time in 15 years because everyone said he was okay and I was desperate to have my family accept me and feel loved (especially after the affair) only to find out that he hadn't changed one bit and now had new confidence and was after my daughter!

Oooooohhhhhh ~ can't talk about that any more. See, I'm getting better. I know when to stop </font>

Hugs to my friend on the other side,
Anne

There were incidences in my adult life that caused what was working before not to work anymore, concerning DID. That's when my old t started to figure it out and sent me to the t I have now.

I was so unaware of absolutely everything in my daily life that I did not even condsider that the things going on were or were not normal. I never gave them a thought outside of one brief, hmm, don't remember my childhood, ahh, no one does really, and dismissed it. My dissociation at that time was also so high that I was not aware of leaving and ending up someplace else. Or maybe I just did it naturally, I'm not sure. I only went to a t for an eating disorder. i gave myself 6 months and would be cured of the ed. lol

It was not until this t that my awareness actually became enough to be aware that I am or was not aware if that makes sense. Now I think I'm crazy. Before I just thought I was weird.

a friend of mine who lost a friend to suicide (who was DID) told me i was DID. then he went and told the therapist i had who he also saw. which created problems in the clinic because they said i was not DID but borderline. and then they said that my friend was trying to get me to be like his freind who died. which was probably true because he had me dress like her and everything. then i met the girl that killed her self mom and she said i was DID. then i went into the hospital and a psychiatrist who i have seen before said i always new you were DID but i never said anything because there isn't anyone who treats it. I dont know if i believe her because she is the one who sent me to a borderline unit in westchest NY. she could at least tell me of her susspitions of the disroder. so thats how it started. i left the clinic that i was attending and went to someone in private practice. now i am at a different clinic with a therapist who treats DID. She thinks iam DID but i dont know i beleive her because i have been told i am not by so many therapist and shrinks.

I think I thought everyone was like me. That they would feel separate from their body. Or have voices in their head most of the time. I figured my childhood was so uneventful that that is why I didn't remember it or there were huge holes in my memory. I have this thing about being called a "liar". It infuriates me. I hated it when people would tell me I had done something and I knew I had not done it...so someone was lying. Then there were people that swore they knew me and I did not know them.

I started going to a therapist for depression and anorexia. I had a fit when he misspelled my name. We continued to work on the depression and eating disorder stuff, but he evidentually sent me to another therapist to be tested for DID. I scored very high. He told me that he had suspected I was DID early on but it took a couple years of working with him before he would make a diagnosis. Actually he was waiting for me to be ready to hear the diagnosis. I was scared.

It is places like this that make me feel not so alone.

Cyan

I use to loose a lot of time....then the voices in my head has always been there......I use to think of them as good and evil.....no I know the difference....

can people who lose time completely.. meaning not know what is going on when there is another alter out adventually beaware of whats happening when an alter is out?

I also am a frequent flyer in the Mental Health System....Lots of labels....lots of 'Professional Opinions'....tons of miles racked up....I still feel as though I need that outside validation to make my Inner World real...not as much, though....I've got a wonderful Therapist who stands by me and how I experience myself 110%....I struggle with feeling that I'm just making it up sometimes....but I know how I live my life and what it looks like & feels like from the inside out....I don't know what keyed me in...just that look on the inside...but more importantly, believing what I saw....
--Angie--

yes its called becoming co conscious. to do this the person uses grounding and relaxation techniques to hold theirself aware while the memory pieces are replaying. once a person is co conscious (remaining aware while the memories replay)they can control their behavior because they are using the grounding and relaxation techniques to become aware of that memory.

What clued me into the fact that I am DID:
Just as an example, I have extreme behaviors - almost like two different people or three actually. I can be very upright and try to do things very properly. And I can can be very self-destructive. Or i can be a 'high- class" type person.
For me when the therapist told me the diagnosis - it came as no surprise - it fit me perfectly. When I then sat down with pen and paper I was very easily able to draw a diagram of myself showing my different parts or "personalities" . Of course I am only one person,but I operate as though I have different agendas depending upon who is running the show at the moment.
- Bob

i used to think everybody was like me too. i just thought there was some kinda social convention so you weren't supposed to talk about the voices. then the people who were looking after me in the home started finding me in odd situations. they would find me sitting in my closet on a heap of empty wine bottles and stuff like that. i didn't know how they got there or how i got there. they didn't know whether to believe me or not... then they got to thinking i was possessed and i guess about then i knew i was different from other people.

but i didn't know what was wrong...

after i got depressed and went to hospital they gave me antipsychotics for the voices. the antipsychotics didn't work very well. but the chlorpromazine and stuff drugged me so i cared less.

then... i woke up in the library one day in front of the computer and there was an article on the screen about this person who had DID. she heard voices and missed time too. i kept hearing 'equal time equal time i'm entitled to equal time' and i knew... but it took me a while to kind of accept it.