AllI Do Is Fight with Myself!

My last T session was a mess! Even my t's said I wasn't there most of the time. The more digging that goes on the more voices I hear in my head, the more flashbacks & the more film loops that keep repeating. Yesterday my one T asked me how I felt knowing I had different parts & I said I don't know. I feel everyone has parts. All mine do is fight over what comes out of my mouth.

I have this overwhelming need to know where I stand regarding DID. Am I being obsessive? Last time I asked my T, kind of early in our therapy process, she said she doesn't like to label people so she didn't really say, but did say I'm on the scale. Now I have this feeling that I must know what the diagnosis is! Am I DID?
I don't completely lose time, but feel like I'm on the sidelines sometimes. My T said she'd like to hear from my anger part. That scared the crap out of me. That part is full of rage & images of hurting people, destroying things, hurting myself, basically feeling like I'm the Incredible Hulk. I told her that part scared me & didn't want it out bec I don't think I could contain it. Is it a part? An alter? An emotion? Why won't she tell me?
Sometimes I sit on that couch & struggle to stay present & not let the other voices talk bec some are really ugly & nasty. Then @ home I get punished & repremanded by them for talking about it. I don't want to say certain things in that office bec I'm scared & scared I'm going to lose control & really scared I'm going to end up in another facility. Are my T waiting for something? Am I making all this up bec it sounds so unreal to me. Can I have alters & control them? Can I still be present if something else comes out? Can I control any of this? There's a part of me that says I'm way over reacting, dreaming stuff up & need to get back to reality...there's nothing wrong w/me. I teach a class once a week & I know that when I get into that room I'm a different, but normal person. There's nothing wrong w/me & I am focused on teaching & other people. I don't even recognize that other person I am outside of that classroom. If someone would ask me about it I'd deny everything.
Any comments would be so helpful. Thank you in advance

lots of questions...taken one at a time.....

are you DID? well here in america there are diagnostic tests that can tell you whether you have mental disorders and what they are.. all you need to do is tell your therapist you want to know what mental disorders you have and which ones, that you would like to go through a psychiatric evaluation. then all your therapist needs to do is check with your insurance plan to see what psychiatrist to send you to. if you dont have insurance then you get to tell her what psychiatrist you want to see based on what you can afford. a county psychiatrist usually charges less then a psychiatrist in private practice. county psychiatrists usually but not always also goes for financial plans like sliding fee based on your income.

after being referred to the psychiatrist you and the psychiatrist set up a day(s) and time(s) for you to be given a battery of tests. for some mental disorders like DID you will also need to see your medical doctor for tests that will rule in or out any medical problems that share the same symptoms as dissociative disorders like epilepsy, and other memory affecting problems.

after all the tests are done you will know whether you have DID or not. dont be upset if it turns out you dont get the label DID but get a different dissociative disorder label instead.

you posted that you dont lose time....the new diagnostics now separate whether a person has parts and loses time or has parts but doesnt lose time and they are now labeled two different dissociative disorders now. the disorder listed in the diagnostics for people that dont have amnesia (dont lose time, they know what happens when they are their parts, dont have memory loss during the time they are their parts) is now called Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD)

you can read about the different diagnostics for dissociative disorders here....

http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

is your parts a part, emotion, alter, why wont she tell you....well because she cant. they are not inside her, they are inside you so it it you that must tell her what and who your parts are. kind of like if you stub your toe your medical doctor cant tell you how that toe got stubbed, what that stubbed toe feels, whether your toe hurts, the stubbed toe is on you so you must tell your doctor you hurt your toe, what it feels like, what it is, how it happened...only the person with the parts can describe who and what their parts are.

what is your T waiting for...well only way to find that out is by asking the T.

are you making it all up....only you know and can answer that.

can you have alters and control them...again only you know whether you have alters and are in control of them.

can you still be present and them still come out...well only you know whether you are still present when they come out...but my suggestion is reread your post. you stated you dont lose time in your post. thats the same as saying you are present when they come out. so according to what you posted you have already answered your own question.

can you control any of this...again only you know whether you can control what is going on inside your body.

my suggestion keep working with your treatment providers. they can help you make sense out of what is happening inside your body.

I don't think you are being obsessive at all. you are just trying to understand your disorder. you have lots of unanswered questions. you are scared of the unknown. t isn't answering so where do you turn? maybe if you write a thread titled questions about DID you will get more responses to your questions from people who are DID as well. take care.

First of all, i don't understand why you need to label yourself so much. If it's validation you're looking for, a label won't do anything for that anyway. Does having DID versus ddnos make you somehow better, more valid, more great? I just don't understand why you feel the need to compare yourself so much to what other people say, which is the entire basis of what labels are. How will a label help you understand yourself any better? If anything it would confuse you more, I would think. You'd be looking at other people's accounts of their symptoms, think, that's my dx, so I must feel that too, and there is another symptom. Only how would you know if that's because you think you 'should' feel it based on your dx, or if it's because you actually feel it.

Why not focus on learning about YOU, which is the purpose of therapy to begin with anyway. Focus on how you feel, how you act. Technically, all your entire dissociatve stuff was 'made up' to begin with anyway. Your mind created the alters, your mind remembered issues, your mind decided what it needed to survive. It 'made up' all these solutions to get through the situation. That doesn't mean they're not real, it means that if you're worried about making things up, they already have been.

my suggestion would be to start asking yourself these questions, and be willing to listen for the answers. The answers coming from your mind would be way more authentic, fitting and helpful than anything you could read from looking up a diagnosis. If it scares you, do what you can to make yourself feel safe, but in order to heal you're going to have to confront them and learn about them anyway. Avoiding it will not help you.

Thank you for the replies.
I guess I am focused on the diagnosis bec I think it would explain things more especially the "whys" & not having that feeling that I'm going insane & there's no one else like me. I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run though.
I told my H that my new Pdoc wants to put me on an anti psychotic med to help w/ the things I hear. He said "I didn't know you heard stuff! Ugh God, whatever." I felt like I don't even have an explanation for him or why ive never mentioned it probably bec I don't know what to say.
I don't understand all this. I never thought id have more than one diagnosis being depression. I know a ton about depression bec ive dealt w/ it for almost 25 yrs. This is new & foreign to me. I feel ignorant.

There is a difference if you are hearing stuff in your head or from out side your head. Make sure you let you doctors know how you are hearing stuff. That will help them to better diagnose your condition. Good luck and know you are not alone no matter the diagnosis or not. Everyone has something. Take care.

Thank you all for the support. Like I said before I guess I'm not comfortable w/ a new diagnosis. How can I all the sudden develop something? But I realize I can because just a yr & a half ago I wasn't dealing w/ any of these new issues. I guess I don't like to b surprised. I know I'll have to treat depression my whole life, I realize that. This has just blind sided me & I'm feeling very lost & alone, groping my way thru in the dark.
Thanks for ur help.