DiD and supressed memories

I'm sorry that some people felt disrespected.
I didn't intend to disrespect anybody.

Hi, Kimmydawn and Hi everyone else! I've been away from the site for awhile. I've been having current trauma, called divorce from nasty, abusive husband. Not fun! But I miss you all so much and this site is very good for my recovery. I wanted to comment on this subject. First of all, I saw DID as the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Like being beamed up by aliens and anally probed LOL! My T liked that one and thought that was funny. But now, I realize that the human brain is an amazing organ that I do not think we will ever fully understand. I view DID as a complicated coping mechanism that actually saves us all from going stark raving mad or dying from the actual trauma. My T never triggered me to remember things, he only suggested that I read the book, "Trauma and Recovery". As I was reading the book, I realized I had a lot more going on underneath my layers of consciousness than just PTSD. I even asked my T to hypnotize me, but he emphatically refused. He said, "hypnotizing you would be redundant because you are in a hypnotic state most of the time. Also I don't like to induce memories on clients. They need to remember when they are ready. It (hypnosis) can be too traumatizing." So, one evening, I kept having this intrusive thought of 'cold, wet, diapers'. I was in my bedroom, at the time, sitting on the bed, and my repressed memory came on suddenly, without warning. Mine was like watching a movie with the adult me looking at the baby non-verbal me. I had a non-verbal memory because I was too young for speach. When it was over (5 seconds, maybe), I thought, "oh this is bad. I can't believe this happened to me!" But at the time of the repressed memory, I had no emotional reaction to it other than shock and disbelief. About 2 weeks after the memory, I was standing in the bathroom brushing my hair or something, and suddenly I slumped to the floor and began to wail. Not cry or sob, but wail. I had never experienced grief like that in my life. I wailed for about 20 minutes. I thought I was going to die from the grief, but suddenly I stopped, and a sense of peace came over me that I have never experienced in my life. My T said that was probably the worst one. I know thier will be others, but I am not stable enough in my life right now to encourage remembering, but I know that, no matter how horrible these memories are, there is healing after each one. I think we are the bravest people in the world to be going through this, and you all are my personal heroes!

((((Glo)))))



Eva

((((((((((((((( glo )))))))))))))))))))

thank you for sharing. that's much as it was here...very early memories at times and the emotions stored separately. i think that's an additional protective measure. i honestly couldn't imagine remembering horrific out of the blue then feeling it at the same time back then. whew.

you're in my thoughts,

Kd

Thanks GLO.

yea it is hard to remember the memories and the emotions all at the same time That happens with me sometimes and I kind of wish it would happen all the time of all at once as whole memories instead of reliving the same situation 5 or more times separately each time I remember each separate part of it - the tastes, touches of what I touched, touches as in how I was touched, smells, sights, sounds and emotional feelings because then I only have to go through it once and when things calm down I know that I don't have to go through all that pain and so on again. its done and over with when everything comes on all at once.

Ok, had session with T today , asked him about Integration. What he said made sense - He does not use the term or idea - said the idea of seeing someone become all together like normal - he's never seen. He's uses terms such as " blending".
On the supressed memory piece - as to the connction of when the child disociates as a child and the alters as an adult - he related to "roles" that the child as he/she matures into adulthood takes on - like the angry part might in time develop into a mean, abusive adult, the pained hurting part may develop into a self- harmer or drug addict, the need for social contact may develop into the socialite person,etc, and that this happens because the memories/emotions at the time of abuse were supressed. So as the person attempts to live normally he/she takes on these roles. - evrybdy

Yup SKR used these terminologies of blending and roles that people take from the day they are born right on to their growing up and different situations that they encounter as they go along in life.

You sound like you have an AWESOME t that won't push or injure. Very nice.

Funny, I thought I'd come up with the word blending all on my own. I agree with your t so far.

KD

Thanks , he is excellent. Very comfortable with him , non-shaming, understanding, listens, excellent boundaries, creative, intelligent .

I can tell from the way you speak, and even just by your picture, that you have healed considerably. You seem to have a calmness and serenity about you that is inviting and real. Good for you. I hope to journey on to that place. - evrybdy