My Inner Feelings (wounds)

She is here I can feel her....................... I wonder is it her that does not feel loved by the people in my present life instead of me? - for they (my alters) held my feelings from the pain.... from all that went wrong.

I think SHE holds the deep inner pain and hate from the past, created by my dad and my husband.... the men in my life.
................................................................ Now What? - for she is so closely related to the REAL ME that not even I can tell us apart at times.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

* * * * * * * *

Thinking of you.

(((((((((Rhapsody))))))))))))))

Hoping you are keeping your self safe.. know that we care very much!

Wondering.............. What would YOU do if one of your alters hated some one that you loved and cared for? - and YES they have their reasons, but I have chosen to Forgive.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Talk to her, reassure her, love her. Remind her she's safe now with you. Talk of everyday things, little things she likes. Can you find her a little "gift" to tell her how much she means to you, how much you cherish her and what she's done for you?

(((Rhapsody)))

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Perna said:
Talk to her, reassure her, love her. Remind her she's safe now with you. Talk of everyday things, little things she likes. Can you find her a little "gift" to tell her how much she means to you, how much you cherish her and what she's done for you?

(((Rhapsody)))

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YES I CAN DO THAT........................ but will that help her not to hate him so?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

there was no if on this question for me. every time I was near Cynthia (the DHS caseworker on my DHS case that got fired for harrassment and braking all kinds of laws and guidelines on my case) I would end up in the memory piece of "margo". No matter how hard I stuck to grounding myself and so on in her presence she would push my buttons beyond and then some.

Switching is trigger related. so in order for me to switch into "margo" around Cynthia I must while being not dissociated already be getting mad about something or the person (in this case it was a woman named Cynthia) that I am near.

So I had to pay attention to how I feel and when I start feeling floaty and far away I had to use my grounding techniques locate the trigger and take care of the trigger usually by leaving the situation.

Since the trigger to my dissociating around cynthia was her harrassment of me, my first step was making sure I wasn't alone with her. and my second step was practicing using my grounding and relaxation techniques even more at home so that it became even more of a habit for me topay attention to what I was experiencing with my five senses and emotions so that I could catch myself as I start feeling floaty and far away and pull myself back out of that tunnel and back into the present situations. By doing this I had more control of my grounding and relaxation techniques around Cynthia. So that I was no longer acting out the angry memories known as margo when around Cynthia.

All that practice helped for therapy purposes to because now I have even more control when LL and I are talking and I start floating off into my tunnel I cam alot of the times pull myself back out of the tunnel and into the present situation. just as fast as LL realizes I started slipping into my tunnel, Im usually back fully aware again.

Hate is a hard thing and it takes learning compassion to soften it. But learning compassion takes loving one's self first. So, she has to be loved and learn she is loved and then that she can love back and only then will she be able to think outside herself freely enough to consider those who have hurt her.

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myself said:

Switching is trigger related....

Since the trigger to my dissociating around cynthia was her harrassment of me, my first step was making sure I wasn't alone with her. and my second step was practicing using my grounding and relaxation techniques even more at home....
By doing this I had more control of my grounding and relaxation techniques around Cynthia. So that I was no longer acting out the angry memories known as margo when around Cynthia.

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Can you tell me some of the triggering exercises that you still do.... it has been a few years since I have had to recall or use them, and now my mind is a blank.

AND - What am I to do.... for the person in question is my HUSBAND? - she hates him for the pain he caused me and I still love him and we are trying to repair all that was broken, in him and in me.... in US!

Thanks...
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

sure no problem. but first you cant change the memory piece (alter) she is what she is - a part of you and a result of your reactions - dissociating when triggered.

since it is this memory piece (alter) that you are switching into that means that before the switch you while fully aware are experiencing some sort of anger and or hate when around him. Thats where you look for the trigger.

the first step to working with triggers is locating the trigger so that you know what you need to do next.

that trigger can be something he is saying, maybe even just one word, something he is wearing, a certain look he gives you that makes you feel uncomfortable and hateful towards him.

When you notice the feeling of floaty and starting to feel far away check in with the situation and how you are feeling.

then you take care of that by -

taking a breath
doing a progressive relaxation of purposely relaxing your muscles
notice how the chair you are sitting on feels
push your foot against the floor and notice the pressure
pay attention to how the sun is shining through the window onto something
get up and move to another spot
shift your posture
telling him you will discuss the topic later
leave the room physically for a few minutes
basically meating that trigger head on and taking care of what is upsetting you in physical and or verbal ways instead of dissociating away from it.

the first few times it probably won't work because you are so used to floating far away when you get upset and feeling anything.

One way I learned to do this was I have a friend that is involved in what I do therapy wise and she likes to take the opposite points of view from me just so that I can practice verbalizing and using grounding techniques and relaxation techniques. she has been a part of my life for 12 years so she knows me very well and can push those buttons of mine like a major pain in the behind so I definately got practice with her. LOL

another thing I did was with SKR when she was my therapist. She asked me to tell her when I felt like I was in my tunnel (floaty and far away is the same thing). And then when I did do that she would ask me questions - what was the color of her shirt, What barrette was she wearing, What time is it, What was I hearing, what was I seeing, what was I smelling, What was I feeling, what about the topic of___ scared or upset me,

we did the same thing if I called her. By doing this she was teaching me how to ground myself during therapy

and at home I kept a journal of times when I was feeling floaty and far away and what I was doing when it happened, and if I did dissociate completely I kept and still do keep a dissociation log of

date
time
first thing remembered when becoming aware
last thing remembered before I dissociated
approximate time loss

By keeping that log I was able to find my trigger of the situation because the trigger is always something in the "last thing remembered before dissociating" question.

I also do what I call awareness therapy - no matter what I am doing I take time to check in with how I am feeling and what I am seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, feeling by touching.

I stimulate all my senses as much as possible - when I cook I do alot of it by hand so that I can feel the different textures, take time to smell each ingrediant and so on. right now I am typing on my computer and my cat is in the rocker right next to me and am petting him on and off (touch), I have kitty wells playing on my computer juke box (hearing), drinking hot chocolate with french vanilla creamer (taste and smell) and of course my sense of sight is being stimulated because I am looking at the computer screen.

Everything I do I pay attention to what my 5 sesnes are telling me and take care of those things when my senses tell me something is wrong. You do this one for a week straight and you will find that paying attention to your five senses and emotions and taking care of things physically starts becoming a habit.

One time LL asked me can you just be? I told her I don't know probably. so for one weekend I decided I was not going to do one thing therapy wise and boy was it hard. I was sitting t here in bed watching tv and I had to keep reminding myself NOT to pay attention to how the blanket felt soft on my leg and so on. I gave up just being in only a day cause it was now habit for me to pay attention to how I was feeling and to things around me.

another thing I do is allow myself time to slip into la la land when nothing stressful and so on is going on that way I am training my brain back to using my dissociation skills (daydreaming and imagry) as a form of relaxation instead of as an escape away from my problems.

the way I am retraining my brain is by using relaxation visualizations. I have been using the Nancy J Napier ones that can be found in her books and on her website http://www.nancyjnapier.com and my therapist went to a workshop and came back with stuff by Belleruth Naparstak. We have been doing relaxation visualizations together for about a year and a half first as a part of the classwork in the depression management class my therapist runs and then in therapy sessions we use the relaxation visualizations from Belleruth Naparstaks book Invisible Heroes. I also listnen to Belleruth Naparstak recordings on http://www.healthjourneys.com

When LL and I do the relaxation visualizations in therapy sessions we record them so that I can use them on my own too.

Thank YOU very much MySelf...... the INFO will be put to good use and reading your post helped to stimulate my own memories of many apts with my T for the DID.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((((((Rhapsody)))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. I don't have answers but I just wanted you to know I am listening and care. Myself has some awesome suggestions though that we can all use. Best of luck to you.

You're welcome and the same info is in my blog so if you have trouble remembering you can find this stuff there too. Hang in there.