No Feelings

As my memories come back about my abuse with my mother and I talk to T about it I don't feel anything. My abuse was really bad too. I would call it torture. Why don't I feel anything? I wonder if he thinks I'm making it up? It this normal?

I can relate! When I talked about my childhood abuse as well as other memories, I also seem to say it with very little emotion. I really surprised myself. It is like I am describing someone else's life. I found myself wondering afterwards, should I have been crying or stomping my feet or something? I don't get it either. Its like the part of my brain that controls normal emotional responses doesn't work. I'll be watching this thread to see what the others say. All I can tell you... its like that with me too.

Yes, it's normal. You've stuffed it and rationalized it for so long that this is what happens. Happened to me too, and I imagine to most, if not all, abuse survivors to some extent.

It is not going to be much fun once you can start to "feel" when you talk about it, but that's the key to healing.

Hugs,
Candy

I have had the same experiences.
When we are subject to such trauma our brain protects us by "splitting". We understand what happened on an intellectual level but don't experience it emotionally. What can happen is flashbacks.

I am currently undergoing EMDR which works to bring the 2 together so that my issues can be resolved. When I first started this therapy, I was confused and upset that I gave up, that I let it happen which of course led to shame. As I talked to my therapist about this she explained that at the point I gave up, was the point my brain split.

I went to see T today. I was feeling fine on my way there. When I was in the waiting room I started feeling the panic coming on. I went to the childrens waiting room to be alone to deal with my panic attack. It came on all of a sudden. He had me ground myself and we did deep breathing together. I was fine and told another abuse story.

He said the problem with not feeling is because we have to integrate. Does anybody know what he's going to do? This is scary.

I've been feeling light headed all day. I just came from the grocery store and thought I was going to have a panic attack there.

I can't believe I survived what I survived.

Thanks for your help.

I think what your tdoc is talking about is integrating the adult you with the child. It is scarey but necessary to be able to move past what you are experiencing now.
This happened to me earlier this year. My todc told me it was my brain's way of letting me know I was ready to take on this trauma.
So, while it may not seem possible, it's probably a good thing in terms of your recovery. I just keep listening to my doc who tells me it gets better; it does all come together.

Take care of yourself and use your support system.

I can relate. My abuse was extremely violent. When I first spoke about it, I was still too afraid to cry, too afraid to let any emotion out. It was just words. It took time to allow myself to grieve, to be angry, to feel just about anything about it. Be patient with yourself and let the feelings flow when they will. The one thing you should not do, I believe, is continue to suppress the feelings when they are ready to come out. You can be safe today. You don't have to hide from them any more. Allow yourself to heal in your time, but stick with the recovery process and continue to seek help from professionals and fellow survivors, as you are doing here. You're not making it up and you are normal. Be gentle and patient with yourself. And remember that you are never alone as you work to heal.

mtd

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
RACEKA said:
I went to see T today. I was feeling fine on my way there. When I was in the waiting room I started feeling the panic coming on. I went to the childrens waiting room to be alone to deal with my panic attack. It came on all of a sudden. He had me ground myself and we did deep breathing together. I was fine and told another abuse story.

He said the problem with not feeling is because we have to integrate. Does anybody know what he's going to do? This is scary.

I've been feeling light headed all day. I just came from the grocery store and thought I was going to have a panic attack there.

I can't believe I survived what I survived.

Thanks for your help.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> you survived what you survived because of that disconnect.

your therapist is going to work gently w/ you on this and you can always ask him what his approach, in general terms, to your case will be. hopefully he'll have an answer that is satisfactory and helps ease some of your fears about this process.

that he was able to help ground you w/ breathing techniques speaks well of your trust in him.

sorry this is so hard but it is good you're at a telling stage.

feeling lightheaded after relating such deeply hidden 'secrets' of abuse is very normal. some suggestions are to try to have some routine after sessions so that you're going to know where a safe place is and what's likely to happen. i.e. getting an ice cream cone after sessions and sitting on a bench by the pond enjoying said ice cream while breathing and grounding after session. or hot cocoa or coffee or tea, etc. or go to local shopping district and wander through stores you know. bookshop, clothing, hardware, linens. or come home and take bubbly bath and let machine answer calls. or whatever it is that grounds and relaxes you.

therapy is work even when there still is a feeling of disconnect. be gentle w/ yourself while you're doing this work.

Before I began my treatment for this, my tdoc had me pick a place that I felt safe and at the end of each session she has me go there in my mind.

We also have a large glass container (figuratively speaking) All those emotions that came up during the session are placed in that jar, the jar is sealed and I chose to bury that jar in the ground. And although going to my safe place and putting my emotions in that glass jar are imagined, it is remarkable how it helps.

Yes, it's very normal, like thawing out. There's a progression from not thinking about/admitting it at all to at least seeing it to gradually feeling it, first with pain/anger, like the pins and needles when the feeling comes back to really cold limbs, and the weakness (so you can't stand yet like when your leg has gone to sleep) and very slowly things get better and better so you're "fine" but don't ever forget the experience of thawing and what caused the problem in the first place.

Being someone who had mental abuse as a child, I can relate to what you are saying. I need to go find a therapist, and start working on this process as well. I have learned a lot of things on this site to give me courage to do it in the near future, but I know that it will take time.