[Claritytoo]

We have been living our life without participation of the original/host. We are not aware of her except when she is crying and freaked out. And that only happens in the evening. And we are not even sure she is the original/host. She does feel different than the rest of us though. This past session my t and us were trying to figure out a way to communicate with the original/host. When she is crying and freaked out we are unable to have a dialogue with her. She just cries, says this isn't real and freaks out. My t gave me some good ideas like instead of her freaking out and in denial we should encourage her to accept it as real and than she can freak out over that. Thinking that if she can accept it as real she will eventually stop freaking out and start to talk to us. It may sound strange but we think this will help her to change her focus to acceptance but also not force her to change her reaction to the knowledge. It feels right for us. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and if so what did you do to communicate with your original/host? And please don't tell me that who ever is in the world is the host. I have three that are in the world who work, drive, do the banking, food shopping etc, and another two in the world who get difficult things done that need to get done. I do not have a single alter we consider a host. Hope I don't sound rude. If so sorry.

We are exactly the same.

[innocentjoy]

I'm still learning about my system, so have no idea who the host is, or anything like that. I just had a somewhat similar experience this week. I have lately been hearing a small child screaming in my head, over and over "you are a bad _____" with so much rage, I knew it wasn't my youngest known alter. I was really being affected by it one night, and all the younger parts were upset and freaking out. I wrote a poem to the 'voice', because I'd begun writing poems to the known youngest alters and they responded well. I'll copy/paste it below. Because my 9 year old alter responded well to being complimented/accepted for having such an angry spirit, as she sees herself as strong, important, etc, I thought perhaps this technique would work as well. I'm still not sure who does the writing for me, if it is someone new or someone I don't know has that abilitity. It just comes and I write it out. I asked her to try and talk to me, if she felt she could. The next day I was having a hard time, and I could feel her emotions, wants, etc. I've realized she's younger than the others, no more than 2, as he main desire was to go back to the safety of her crib. So perhaps writing, singing, drawing or something like that to communicate with her may help? Only you can know. Here's the poem:
I look inside, my eyes closed tight.
I know you’re there, somewhere.
I hear your screams so full of fright
But why, I’m not aware.

So helpless, angry, small,
You stick up for yourself.
You seem to give your all,
Courageous little elf.

My heart breaks as I hear you;
I cannot help but cry.
I wish that I could help you,
But don’t know how or why.

Why the need for yelling?
To shout out “you are bad”?
Without your help in telling
It makes me feel so sad.

You’re little, I can tell,
Perhaps my Maya’s age.
But Maya doesn’t scream or yell,
She doesn’t have your rage.

So who are you my little dear?
Please help me understand.
I wish that I could hug you near
And hold onto your hand.

The world can be so scary.
You’re tough, I see that much.
I hope you’re not too wary
To feel my healing touch.

What wound must you carry,
To have to be so strong?
Your load I’ll help unbury.
You’ve had it much too long.

Please trust me, my courageous elf
And help me get to you.
No matter if you hate yourself,
I love you through and through.

You needed at the time to be
An angry, bitter soul,
To get through times that seem to me
As burning hot as coal.

But now believe me when I say
You’re not alone, my dear.
Trust me and I’ll find a way
To take away the fear.

If you’re afraid to tell me
Why you feel so very mad,
Take your time and get to know me
‘Til you don’t feel quite so sad.

Thanks for being angry,
It’s hard for me to feel.
I’m proud of you, believe me.
I hope together we can heal.

So if you’re mad and all alone
Please talk to me my dear.
Just like we’re talking on the phone
I’m always very near.

[Claritytoo]

Thank you for sharing your poem. It was very nice. The ones who crys and says "it's not true" does this out loud and not in my head. Up until last session I don't think I have received any communication in my head from her. Last session I did get a strong feeling of need from her. She wanted to know how to be present but doesn't know where to start. There are times when I think she feels like she is in her teens but when she was crying and yelling out loud "This is not real" she was in her eairly twenties. This was about a month ago. It is the same person just felt older. Last night was not so good for us. Sense last session we have been struggling to continue moving forward. It might be depression but it seems to be more that my body doesn't want to push forward. I slept extra today but I don't like to do that because it throws us off for the rest of the day. Any way, thank you for your poem. I am sure I will be able to take something from your word.

[Claritytoo]

Has anyone had to look for their original? If so how do you go about it? Thanks

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Has anyone had to look for their original? If so how do you go about it? Thanks

sometimes its just not possible. you know what dissociation is right...something triggers a person or alter. then the one that gets triggered spaces off, numbs out, fades their self, sinks their self into being part of the furnishings, walls, floating, what ever is their way of dissociating. they do this to get away from what ever the trigger is. an alter that deals with that type of problem takes over and keeps things going to the best of their abilities until the triggered one or another alter takes over to do their job, purpose, reason for being in order to deal with whats happening at that moment.

well sometimes the dissociating is so extensive/deep that the host and in my case almost all the other alters too have no co consciousness. co consciousness is things like being able to know each other exist, being able to hear each other, being able to communicate with each other, being able to share memories, thoughts, ...with each other.

what that means is for instance when I dissociated, I was not aware of most of the alters, I was unable to hear most of them, unable to communicate with most of them, unable to share in their thoughts, memories, actions.... it worked the same way with my alters. those that I the host was not co conscious with were unable to communicate with me, unable to share their thoughts, memories, actions, who and what they were with me.

the result of this was that when I dissociated the alters could not "find' me just like an abuser could not "find" and hurt me. by way of dissociating it was my way of keeping myself safe and how I was able to survive...by dissociating and the alters taking over handling things I could not handle.

no one could break through my dissociating wall, not the alters, not my friends, not my family, not my treatment providers. that dissociating wall was there because I put it there by using dissociation to survive. the only way that dissociation wall was going to come down was if I stopped using dissociation and learned how to stay grounded and learned how to handle my problems.

it took a very long time for me the host to become grounded and learn what was needed to learn. because I was dissociated so much many of my alters did not know I existed, or knew I existed but believed I was never around. how could they know I was out sometimes when they had no co consciousness with me.

kind of like the hypothetical does a tree still make a sound if no one is in the woods to hear it fall. wood still makes a cracking sound when it breaks whether or not someone is listening, people still talk when no one is listening, a human being can still function /do, say hear...things when no one is around to hear or see them.

my point being is that it may not be possible for anyone inside your internal system of alters to find your host, because thats how and what your host needed in order to survive. And the level of dissociation needed for your host to survive may be one where the host is having times when they are around, aware but because of how extensive/deep the dissociation is you alters may not have the ability to know about when the host is around, just like the host may not realize when you alters are in control.

if this is the case where do you go from here... you keep on keeping on,...you all continue to do your job,purpose, reason for being and as you all heal through what ever treatment options you are on with your treatment providers, in time some or all of you (including the host or not) will gain enough healing where the dissociation walls will start coming down and co consciousness begins to happen, and eventually you all including the host will be able to be in contact with each other.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

sometimes its just not possible. you know what dissociation is right...something triggers a person or alter. then the one that gets triggered spaces off, numbs out, fades their self, sinks their self into being part of the furnishings, walls, floating, what ever is their way of dissociating. they do this to get away from what ever the trigger is. an alter that deals with that type of problem takes over and keeps things going to the best of their abilities until the triggered one or another alter takes over to do their job, purpose, reason for being in order to deal with whats happening at that moment.

well sometimes the dissociating is so extensive/deep that the host and in my case almost all the other alters too have no co consciousness. co consciousness is things like being able to know each other exist, being able to hear each other, being able to communicate with each other, being able to share memories, thoughts, ...with each other.

what that means is for instance when I dissociated, I was not aware of most of the alters, I was unable to hear most of them, unable to communicate with most of them, unable to share in their thoughts, memories, actions.... it worked the same way with my alters. those that I the host was not co conscious with were unable to communicate with me, unable to share their thoughts, memories, actions, who and what they were with me.

the result of this was that when I dissociated the alters could not "find' me just like an abuser could not "find" and hurt me. by way of dissociating it was my way of keeping myself safe and how I was able to survive...by dissociating and the alters taking over handling things I could not handle.

no one could break through my dissociating wall, not the alters, not my friends, not my family, not my treatment providers. that dissociating wall was there because I put it there by using dissociation to survive. the only way that dissociation wall was going to come down was if I stopped using dissociation and learned how to stay grounded and learned how to handle my problems.

it took a very long time for me the host to become grounded and learn what was needed to learn. because I was dissociated so much many of my alters did not know I existed, or knew I existed but believed I was never around. how could they know I was out sometimes when they had no co consciousness with me.

kind of like the hypothetical does a tree still make a sound if no one is in the woods to hear it fall. wood still makes a cracking sound when it breaks whether or not someone is listening, people still talk when no one is listening, a human being can still function /do, say hear...things when no one is around to hear or see them.

my point being is that it may not be possible for anyone inside your internal system of alters to find your host, because thats how and what your host needed in order to survive. And the level of dissociation needed for your host to survive may be one where the host is having times when they are around, aware but because of how extensive/deep the dissociation is you alters may not have the ability to know about when the host is around, just like the host may not realize when you alters are in control.

if this is the case where do you go from here... you keep on keeping on,...you all continue to do your job,purpose, reason for being and as you all heal through what ever treatment options you are on with your treatment providers, in time some or all of you (including the host or not) will gain enough healing where the dissociation walls will start coming down and co consciousness begins to happen, and eventually you all including the host will be able to be in contact with each other.

Thank you for responding. When I ground myself I switch to someone who can deal with what ever made me need to ground myself. I don't ground to the original. So it is always an alter. I have a lot of co consciousness with the other alters. Most of us are aware we are a part of a system. Most of the time when we are asked a question where someone else knows the answer, that alter will answer the question in my head for me to repeat or I will switch so the other alter can answer the question. There are things we do and say that we don't all know about. That always suprises me. We feel the original and think she has said stuff out loud but she doesn't talk to us. And even when we try to talk to her she doesn't seem to hear us. But I have been in a room and listened to her cry and freak out. So we are both there together. Only she doesn't seem to be aware of me. It's weird. Than she goes. She is always upset and always freaked out. I think I need her to be in session so we can truly understand what it means to be dissociated. I understand it on an intellectual level but I can't seem to grasp it on an individual level. My t has reminded me that what other parts say is part of me also. But I don't get that at all. Some of the others say and do things that I would never say or do so how can that be me. We have the original in common but that seems to be all. So I think we need her to come to session so we can have a more objective of us and how we function. Thanks again for you response.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

My t has reminded me that what other parts say is part of me also. But I don't get that at all. Some of the others say and do things that I would never say or do so how can that be me. We have the original in common but that seems to be all. So I think we need her to come to session so we can have a more objective of us and how we function. Thanks again for you response.

I know its hard to understand. my treatment providers used a grapefruit as an example to explain it to me....

the grapefruit is one whole fruit. its made up of a skin (the main body/shell) and inside there are many different segments/slices all wrapped up with in an individual wall /skin.

each part (each segment inside the grapefruit) is a part of the grapefruit.

now when you look closer at each segment of the grapefruit you will see inside each grapefruit there are many little droplet shaped segments. each one of those little droplet shaped segments are part of the grapefruit just like inside yo, there are many different parts of you called memories, emotions, ....

if you pick up one droplet shaped segment by itself what do you have....a minute part of the wedge shaped segment, and a minute part of a whole grapefruit.

if you pick up a wedge shaped segment whats in your hand...a part of the grapefruit and many droplet shaped segments inside the wedge shaped segment..

if you pick up a whole grapefruit what do you have in your hand....a round whole grapefruit that is made up of many wedge shaped slices of grapefruit, which is made up of many droplet shaped segments.

everything the skin, the wedges, the droplet shaped segements are parts of the whole grapefruit.

now put that idea into a person...a person is their body (the grapefruit), and many parts inside the body (grapefruit wedges) and each part of this person has their own parts (the droplet shaped segments) that make up who and what they are.

like the grapefruit and the segments you are all part of the whole.

Yes I know that you may feel like you need your host to be aware of you all and be present during therapy but until the host is ready to handle things you all may have to just keep on keeping on doing things for her.

example take psych central...can you make others here be like you and do what you want them to do...no. in life we cant control others we can only control ourselves.

right now its not possible for you and the host to work together someday there may come a time when your host is able to do what you want her to do. but right now your host has other things they are working on. things that are important to her. just like you are doing whats important to you.

my suggestion talk with your treatment providers. maybe they can help your host to become more comfortable. While she does what she needs to do during her time out and in control. and maybe theres a way in which your treatment providers can help you all feel safer when your host is dealing with those hard to handle things that are triggering you all.

example sometimes treatment providers and their clients do a therapy technique of creating a safe place inside where the alters can go and be safe and happy while the host deals with triggering things. talk with your treatment providers maybe this is something they are willing to do with you all

[Claritytoo]

Thank you for your response. I have tried to make a safe space in my mind but I haven't been able to. Also I can't make any of the others do anything they don't want to do, that includes the original. In case of danger one of the ones in the world can step in even if we want to stay but that is the only time we are made to do something we don't want to do. Our system has a lot of rules and presently we are all following the rules. That was not always the case. We can be ourselves as long as it doesn't endanger us or the others. We can only be violent if in danger and can not hurt the body ever. We used to sometimes but never again. Everyone is sorry the body was hurt. The body is a part of our system and has protected us when needed. We are also not supposed to be seen. We are ok with our t but no one else.