[innocentjoy]

This week has been frustrating for me. Two of my alters were very upset by things my t and my counselor said. Lucy was really angry that my t kept talking about body/sex stuff and she does NOT talk about it. I was able to talk to him about her concerns, and afterward we 'talked' together by writing out her thoughts, and me responding. She was feeling a bit better after.
The next day, I saw my counselor and was trying to explain that Henrietta (9) was the one who was always trying to prove to her that we are 'bad' sometimes, we're not as good as she keeps thinking. She decided to ask some questions, and wouldn't let me answer them, saying she wanted us to think about the answers. It focused on whether H can be good, and what she does that's good. H was soo angry about it because she does not want to think of herself as good, and my counselor wasn't listening to me when I tried to explain it. It felt like she was trying to make her feel more vulnerable, or try to change the way she was thinking, without first trying to understand her and gain her trust. And when H gets angry, she just wants to kick and throw things, and snap at everyone around her. I helped her write a letter to my counselor, and it was very strongly worded. I just want her to see what I see in H. She is angry, but she's the biggest protector I have, she is very focused on justice, and on fighting any bullies. I let her rip out the page the questions were written on. Also, as I was leaving my counselor gave me a sucker for H to have. She now feels like she's being manipulated and bribed.
She's really angry, and since she's 9 it's a much more intense feeling than most of mine. But I'm also really upset on her behalf. I feel like she was trying to pick a fight with H, or like she was trying to use adult tactics to prove that she's right and H is wrong. I just wish she would listen.
I'm exhausted, and need someone I'm seeing to help me reassure and support the others, especially the younger ones (I have 5 children as parts) and instead I feel like she's trying to poke around and see what reactions are instead of listening to me. I went in with a list of the different parts she's met, and what their needs/basic perspectives/outlooks are. And she didn't even want to hear it.
However I feel like if I get upset she's going to suggest that I'm seeing too many people, or that she can't help me and maybe I should look for someone else. UGH. I don't know what to do. If someone has an alternate perspective on what she might be trying to do, I would really appreciate hearing it!!
thanks,
IJ

[A Red Panda]

It sounds like your T is missing the mark with Henrietta, although she seems to genuinely be trying to approach her. You might want to remind T that while Henrietta might be 9, she's a mature and aggressive/defensive 9 who has been 9 for a long time and would probably appreciate a more respectful approach.

I teach 9 year olds. For the ones who have a traumatic life... I do spend a lot of time trying to show them the difference between being bad and making bad choices. None of my students, and no child, is bad. They are not bad. But they can make bad choices quite often - and it's done out of fear and anger with their life.

I don't expect them to change their perspectives right away. I'll tell them about the things I see in them that are good, and I hope that by me explaining the difference often that maybe they will start to see it too.

Is H at a point where she would even be willing to try trusting someone? I know that some of my students have definitely not been - I try to be gentle and patient and I don't pry for answers from them. I just keep telling them about their positives every time I see them, and offering to listen to them when they've been causing a lot of disruptions and making those poor choices. Sometimes they may choose to start opening up, sometimes they won't. I've sat on the floor for about 20 minutes with a student in utter silence while the rest of the class worked on something. Eventually I needed to get up as that lesson was over - which is when my student decided to ask for a book. I said sure and was glad that he decided to ask me for something.

I would be feeling manipulated and bribed too, with the offer of a sucker. Has this happened in your past and H realizes that? If so, remind H that T is supposed to offer things to you to help you heal - and that she just made a rather dumb mistake and that adults can make those dumb mistakes too.

The anger that H is feeling is a sign that she's vulnerable though - probably more so than your other young ones. Anger is a protective reaction designed to keep others far away - and it's ok for H to be feeling like that.

Just ask your T to not be so patronizing and to remember that children are people too - my students respond best if I just talk with them and not at them. It sounds like your T was talking at/to H and not with her.

H - it's alright to be angry. But try your best to remember that the T is just trying to do their job, which is to help all of you. The T isn't trying to hurt you, even though she did make a bad choice in how to treat you. T made a bad choice, just like you make some bad choices (like kicking and throwing things - those are always a bad choice even if they make us feel better ).

[innocentjoy]

Thanks, that really helped. It's hard for me because I work with children as well, and hate when they are not treated with just as much respect, if not more, than adults. I believe they have so much wisdom, and deserve to be worked with, not at.
Probably what made it harder for her was that she had started the process of trusting my counselor, and was surprised at how things turned out. She thinks of good as weak, and bad as strong, so if I were to start challenging those thoughts, I would start with that idea in general, and do nothing with her. I also agree that there is no such thing as a bad child, it is just poor choices, or choices that make a problem bigger instead of smaller.
She automatically responded to T as she would a bully, and so your comment about making bad choices will help, I think.
Thank you!

[A Red Panda]

Yeah... I get it. I react like that to people (I am, in fact, currently reacting like that with my own T...). So it's definitely not just H, and it's not just because she's 9!

I also get the good as weak and bad as strong. I do in fact totally get that. I can't get myself to show "weakness" to people - which is things like I can't show them when I'm afraid, or tell them about what upsets me, or when I feel affection, or when I'm sad. I can't express any of the emotions that would elicit comfort from others, as I can't trust them. They aren't weaknesses H - but they do make us vulnerable and gives opportunity for others to hurt us more easily. I can't even be open about body-stuff or physical affection because it's too close and shows me as being a vulnerable human too much!

Which is rather silly, isn't it? That we have to be somehow super human when really, we're just humans. I hope that your T will start feeling more approachable to H again - it's soooo hard once someone scares you off from doing something.

(This is mostly for H: My T's just scared me off because he's made a few comments about how he expects I'll eventually refuse to come in. And he has asked many times about why I am staying in this city when I don't like it. Combining that with how much he knows about me - I've shared tons more than I want to because I don't trust him.... and I feel like he's already rejecting me and abandoning me and that I am not worth the effort. Which is exactly how I feel and what I've learned from so many past people. I'm terrified to go and see him again, because I sent him an email that didn't make sense. But... I know, in another part of my brain... that he isn't doing that. It's just me being scared and trying to sabotage things. I'm scared to let him in. But I'm blaming him right now for not basically reading my mind, because there's a lot that I don't say. I don't even know what I have said or haven't said. But I'm definitely treating him like people from my past, and that isn't really very fair of me is it? So I keep telling myself to keep trying and not to do what the scared part of my brain is telling me to do. I'm also currently ignoring what the angry bit of my brain is telling me to do - although it might actually be good of me to share that bit with him. Because it's the part that would be honest with him I suppose. I'm just too scared to do that. )

Wow that was long!

[innocentjoy]

Here is the letter H wrote to our t:
I'm mad at you. You didn't listen to me but now you are asking questions. I'm not a good little girl and I never want to be. I am me. Learn who I really am before you try to make me good like Charlotte.* I protect her from bullies like mean people. I was starting to trust you, but you aren't listening. Only IJ and Charlotte like me just for me. I thought you did too. Why do I have to be good to be liked? You made me sad.

*Charlotte is 6/7 years old, and H was created to take over when she got too overwhelmed. T knows Char really well, but only hears from H about certain things when she's upset.

It's a pretty strong letter, but says exactly how she's feeling. We're not sure about actually showing her the letter, because in the past people tend not to react kindly to H...she doesn't really give them a chance. I like the point of the letter, but I know she will want to talk to her about it, and she's on very thin ice. If she says something wrong again, or goes into trying to prove that H is good again, it will be too much, and will not go over well. It's kind of one of those situations where I can see where each of them are coming from, and know that they don't really see things from the other's point of view. At the same time, I feel like it's my T's job to try to understand H before H will budge. After all, H didn't come to therapy, I did. Is this expecting too much?

I would have the same reaction as you to your T making comments about staying in the city and not coming to sessions. I always feel like my helping people are trying to get me out the door, because of the way services are set up here. They mostly have to do with a certain number of sessions, but can be renewed as long as necessary, so I always feel like I'm being pressured to get better faster so they can fit someone else in to get help. ALL in my head, I'm told over and over, and logically believe. But it's still hard. Can you write a letter or tell your T: When you say "x" I hear "y"? I used that with a comment she kept saying about me being too hard on myself. I told her when she says that I dont' hear that I should be gentler, I hear that there is one mroe thing wrong with me that I can't get right, and it just makes it worse. I said if she tells me to try and be gentle with myself, of give myself some slack, I would be more receptive, and so she's done that since.

I totally understand not wanting to let the angry part take over and be honest. There are parts of me that will tell her exactly what they think of her, etc. When I first came in, it was just me, and no one else really took over. Since we've gotten more used to her, certain parts will just slip out and say what they feel to her. I never know whether she'll take it as a good thing when the angry parts decide to tell her 'how it is' or whether it will just make things more difficult and she'll want to get rid of me even more. The mind games that go on in my head because of trust issues are really hard.
I think it's even harder when your abuser was someone who everyone else trusted, and so you were supposed to trust them too. To this day I still have people telling me what a great man my grandpa was, and I think in my head you have no idea. (Just a side note)

I hope you can stick it out with your T. You deserve to know that you are worth the support and effort it takes. And thanks for talking to H directly. It always makes her feel more important than when people only talk directly to me about her

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by innocentjoy

Here is the letter H wrote to our t:
I'm mad at you. You didn't listen to me but now you are asking questions. I'm not a good little girl and I never want to be. I am me. Learn who I really am before you try to make me good like Charlotte.* I protect her from bullies like mean people. I was starting to trust you, but you aren't listening. Only IJ and Charlotte like me just for me. I thought you did too. Why do I have to be good to be liked? You made me sad.

I think that it is a great letter that Henrietta wrote. It says what she means very clearly and is showing what she needs and wants. Maybe you could explain to your T that you have a letter for H, but that you aren't sure about giving it to your T yet due to the reasons you've outlined here? Hold on to it until H says it's a good time to give it to her, and/or you think it would be a good time.

Is it ok if I write a letter to H in response?

"Dear Henrietta;
I think that protecting someone else from bulllies is what actually makes you a good person! When you protect someone, you aren't being bad. It's an admirable and brave way to be. Maybe your methods aren't the best (I don't know what you do to protect people.... but we all know that hitting and violence is wrong, so those would be bad choices), but the intention is spot-on and I'm proud of you for taking care of everyone in the best way you can! I hope that you can learn more ways to protect everyone that wouldn't need you to do any of the "bad" things that make you convinced you're a bad person. You would still be you, and nothing about that would change.. you would just have more tools in your toolbox to help everyone. Everyone is lucky to have someone like you looking out for them - I wish I had had someone to look out for me!"

----------------------

Thank you for your comments about my own T - I like your idea of writing things down in a "you said I hear" structure.

[innocentjoy]

Thank you
I think that is a good idea about the letter. I will let her know I have it, and H and I will decide when to give it to her based on her reaction. I must say that it is such a relief (not just for H but for me) to have someone see the awesomeness in her. I work with kids and my favourite to work with have always been the angry 8-11 year olds. I admire their strength so much, and find that it is relatively easy for me to work through the process with them. Most just need their emotions/feelings validated. It always makes me hopeful when I work with an angry child because I know they haven't given up, even if they say they do. Their anger is proof that they still care. It's the apathetic children that worry me more so than the ones who are still willing to cause issues for people. .... sorry I could go on about kids for hours
I was very happy to have found the "you said I hear' method because too often people feel attacked when I explain what I feel like they're saying. This way it isn't blaming anyone, it's just explaining the difference. I hope it works for you!

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, I see the anger as still caring too. I hate when I have to send someone out of my classroom though - after enough chances I have to because it isn't fair to the rest of the class when they can't focus or learn. But it doesn't happen without a loooot of patience and effort first!

I wrote out a list of things in that format earlier actually. I found it really helpful. Whether or not I'll take it in to when I see my T next... who knows.

Maybe you and H should do one

[innocentjoy]

i think you also owe it to those children to teach them boundaries. It is beneficial to them, even if they're upset, to know that there are boundaries. Just because they need to be sent from the room does not mean that you are mad at them, that they are bad, etc. it is also a great way for them to learn that boundaries can be put in place with the adult still caring for them and respecting them at the same time, which it sounds like you do.

We will think about writing out that list. It has been a hard week for any quiet thinking as I am visiting family and there are so many people coming and going. I kind of know what I want to tell her, I just need to find a way to be firm and open at the same time. I might start along the lines of her saying this caused a big reaction, which could have been avoided had she let me help her when I offered to, that I can tell her a lot about H that H herself wouldn't be able to say, but that H is proud of me for saying.

I must say it is really difficult when someone you trust and being to respect and like hurst you. I feel so mixed up about it. Luckily things usually feel better when I'm able to talk about them with the person.

A thought about the you say I hear stuff....I think framing it that way in your mind, even if you don't say it right away to your t could help you be able to talk to him when you feel ready to, without stressing about how it will come out.

Thanks again, dear!!