I don't know what this is

When I was at session one of my angry ones was out. He is in his late teens. He didn't want to be there but he was. He did talk to t and used profanity druing the conversation. He was annoyed that he had to stay and we could all feel how angry and irratated he was. But about 40 minutes into session he seemed to blend with one of the others who had been popping in and out during session. It was an odd feeling but that is what it felt like. The angry one is angry, that's it. but half way into session I could feel his anger mixing with the not angry one who was helping to answer questions. Has anyone else had this happen or know if this is possible?

we cant tell you whether this is possible inside you only whether its possible inside ourselves. yes it was possible inside me.

when this happened to me sometimes my treatment providers called it co consciousness, other times they called it integration, and if there were other symptoms going on they called it psychosis, hallucinations, delusional thinking, and many other things.

to find out if this is possible inside you and what it is thats happening, talk with your therapist since it happened during therapy session your therapist will be able to help you figure it out.

Thanks for responding. There is one other thing that has come from this last session. There is an on going discussion about who should be out and in the world. He seems to think that maybe he should be the one that people meet. I don't have a good reason for him to not be that person. I do think his aggressiveness will make life more difficult for us and others will have to than do damage control. Most of us like to go unnoticed. He would bring too much negative attention and some of my friends would not understand why we were different. But I can't seem to have a solid argument for him not being the one people meet. I am not sure how far he wants to go with this. I will ask my t. Thanks again.

I am going to have to really think about why we are who we are today. I am going to have to sincerely consider the possibility of change. My sister still needs me to be supportive and strong and so does my son. How do people decide how to be in their life? Do they find themselves as a reflection from the people who love them or is it more personal?

my internal system of alters were how they were in their life based on what their purpose, job reason for being created was....

examples

sunny was the way she was (Happy, carefree, looking and seeing the positives rather than the negatives) because that was her job, purpose reason for being. I the host couldnt very well carry on with my life feeling happy, carefree, and positive after being raped as a small child. the best I could do on my own was shut down my emotions / feelings even the positive ones, in other words dissociate. so sunny was created to take on the role of my being happy, carefree when the situation called for that.

I did have some alters that were in your words a reflection of those that loved me, I even had alters that were as you call it a reflection of animals, tv shows, childhood game characters, my cultures iconic creatures, people and places..

line in the sand though is that each person is different therefore their internal system of alters is going to be different based on each persons own abuse, culture, ...needs in order to survive.

only you can answer to why/how/what you and your alters decided to be in your life.

I'm trying to decide who to be in my life and I am not sure how to do that.

I dont think there is a wrote in stone process for that. each person is different....what makes a person who they are is a combination of things...what they like, what they do, how they present their self....

a person who teaches children is said to be a teacher.
a funny person is said to be a comedian.
a person who cleans out and fixes household pipes is said to be a plumber.

now you take this idea and put in terms of a person who has many insiders..
what the alters do, what their job, purpose reason for being is, is what and who they are in life.

Rainy's job was to cry so who she was in life was the crier.
Red's job was to the embodiment of anger so who she was in life was the one that got angry.

when my alters integrated we all became one so now it is me the host that cries sometimes and gets angry sometimes.

who am I in life well for example I now have two children. that makes me a mom. I am married to a wonderful woman. that makes me a wife.

if you are an alter....to find out who you are just think about what you like to do, what your job /purpose/reason for being is.

if you are the host...the way to discover who you are in life is think about what you do...what kind of job you have, whether you have children or not, what your likes and dislikes are....

We don't know where the host is. And one of us wants to leave and live an invisible life. A life where know one knows her. I have another who recently thinks it might be a good idea if he runs things except he gets mean and fowl mouthed and compulsive. Right now I am having trouble with him being in charge. I can't seem to find a convincing reason for him to not be in charge. We don't work anymore so he can be as abrasive as he wants because he don't care. In fact I think he likes it when people avoid him. It feels like he could take control at any moment. It makes me very uncertain. He was at last session and didn't leave. He is right here as I write this. I feel like crying. I wish I could.

Are you trying to find a reason to convince him, or to convince yourself, or both? It seems like you have some very good, legitimate concerns with the way he wishes to do things. So in my mind it feels like you want to convince him so that he will be on board with things, instead of trying to sabatoge them?

I'm dealing with some issues with an alter that is very negative and likes to tell me how horrible I am, why I fail at 'everything', why no one loves me (when in fact they do), and what I should be doing, etc etc. My t is working with me to realize WHY he acts in that way. I know he hates when we feel happy, successful, and most strongly when I feel hopeful. In his mind, feeling good, doing well, being good, and being hopeful, are all the ways in which I set myself up for a fall. This is because when my abusers could sense that I was feeling hopeful, they would prey on that hope. The fall from feel good to feeling rotten is much greater than feeling low to feeling rotten. Likewise, with another alter, if people can't get close to me, they can't hurt me, so she will lash out at anyone who seems untrustworthy. They may have worked at the time these alters were created, but they are causing me a lot of pain at the moment. I've gotten the lashing out on one board by explaining to her how thankful I was for keeping me safe at the time that I needed it, and actually BEING thankful. I was finally able to admit to myself that I couldln't have handled life without her at the time. She is much more willing now to work with me, when I can see how she was necessary for me. There are still issues, of course, but it's much better. With the really negative alter, I still don't know how to deal with it. I can see how HE thinks he is necessary, but I am not ready to admit that he was ever essential to my wellbeing, when I feel so horrible whenever he is around. And I am still having issues with him, and worry about him taking control. My t always says that it is so important for me to learn to trust my parts, and understand them. Sometimes it takes the heart a lot longer to realize something than the brain.

I dont' know if that gives you some ideas. But if there were a way for you to create some sort of alliance, or at the very least respect of certain boundaries, you may find things easier. Have you mentioned the issue to your t yet? (you said he was out the entire last session, so I'm wondering you even had a chance). If not, could you write a letter, or email your t?
Wishing you a peaceful resolution!!
xoxoxo
IJ

IJ thanks for you insight. I did send my t an email explaining what is happening. I have another session on monday. My angry one doesn't want to go. But we are going to go. I wanted to add that one of my other alters used to say angry things about me and was always suggesting I hurt myself or kill myself. I couldn't understand why. So not so long ago I realized that I never acknowledged how important he is to us and how his strength helped me through the abuse. I appoligized to him for not thanking him. My feelings were heart felt and senciere. I realized he had been through a lot but the only way I knew him was when he said those things. When he wanted to hit me.(and he had in the past) I starting asking him why and with very little effort he told me that he had been a big help but that I never thanked him and didn't acknowledge him. I thought about what he said and I realized he was right. I apologized and explained that I didn't know we were alters until five years ago. I thought hard about how he was there for us when we needed him and acknowledged his help and that I was happy he was here. He hasn't hit me or told me to kill myself sinse than. Although when I am under a lot of pressure and make a mistake he will still feel like hitting or name calling, but he don't. I think we lose track of the others as we get older and that causes hurt feelings. I just wanted to share that with you. My angry one is angry he never purposely tried to hurt us all though some of his actions got us hurt or almost. He is a protector but now he seems to want to be in the world. I am not sure if he is serious but sometimes it feels like he can be in control even if some of us object. Thanks again for talking to us.