Confused

So i did SI this morning and i don't know why. There seemed to be no reason for it, then my husband asked if one of my alters could have done it. I remember doing it, but I was not in control of how badly i did it. It was the worst I've ever done and even needed stitches. It scares me because i am having the urge again!!! I don't want to do it again, but i'm terrified that one of my alters will and i won't be able to stop it! Can anyone make a suggestion or thought?

Sorry you're going through such a tough time. It's difficult to deal with si alone, let alone when an alter tries to take over. Are you able to communicate with your alters? It would be super helpful if you could figure out why they are feeling the need to at the moment.

Another suggestion is figuring out what your triggers are for si. Some people do it to feel something, because they feel so numb, some people do it to calm down emotions that are getting out of control, to take them away from what is going on in their head. Others because they are angry and the anger gets turned on themselves, etc etc. If you can figure out what your triggers are, or reasons for doing it, you could try and come up with some solutions. Has anything changed lately that might have caused emotions? I find when something happens that upsets one of my alters, and I don't deal with the issue, they get worse. For example my 6 year old had a horrible week this week because my mom was away on a trip. At first I just ignored it, thought it was silly, I don't live at home and it didn't affect my daily life. However, she was so upset I ended up having to deal with those emotions, so that she would be calmer. Sometimes things bother us, but we push it down and then an alter gets really upset about it.

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to si is when I feel like no one is listening to me. It goes back to when I would try to tell people somethign was wrong growing up, and no one clued in that I was being abused. So I need to realize that if I'm getting upset because no one is listening, I need to call someone and MAKE them listen, even if it's my t, or a crisis line. Then I dont' feel the need to take it out on myself.

There are lots of things you can do to help get rid of emotions, something physical for anger or anxiety, somethign soothing for panic/fear/anxiety, and something sensory if you're feeling numb. It can alleviate the urges.

I don't know what would help for you, so hopefully something in here was a bit of a help. If you feel comfortable sharing more information I could try and support with more of that. Of course, this goes without saying, if you do not feel safe, make sure someone is with you/knows about it, or that you call someone for help.

Hope this helps
xoxoxo

IJ

Hey, Onlymedid! I know I'm not DID but i wanted to see if you were getting any good feedback on this board.

Innocentjoy is right. You need to sort out what is the trigger for you, and try to learn how to note any changes in your mood before you feel an urge.

If this doesn't help, finding something to take your mind off of it, or having something nearby as a handy distraction may help! I know for me I like to have a little jar of play-dough around the house so when I feel a trigger I can mash it and mold it in my hands as a distraction. Kind of silly, but it helps!

Maybe it is an alter who wants attention. Is it possible for you to ask them who is doing the SI and let that one know they don't have to do SI to get attention. Ask them what they want. It has helped me when I had one that hurt the body. I asked him why he was doing it and he told me that he was upset with me and some of the others because we did not acknowledge the times when we were young and he protected us. I apologized to him for not acknowledging him. I thanked him for being a protector. He stopped hurting us. He will still think about it and say for us to hurt us but that is more out of habit when he gets triggered. He is good to us now. And we are glad he is here

I do have connection with my alters but the teen went from being this caring loving guy to full on angry. I can't get him to tell me why he's so upset.
I tried to journal to see if something would come out that would explain why i cut, but came up with nothing. I think you're right about needing to find an outlet of sorts. I tried going for a walk, but that did nothing for me. I tried hold. Ice in my hand and that didn't work either. Thankfully i see my T on wednesday!

I like the idea of play dough! I might go out and get some! Thanks!

my suggestion is contact your treatment providers. They will be able to help you control those self injury urges and help you with your alters if this is an alter that is creating this problem in you. We on line cant really help with this kind of problem because we are not in your location, we dont know what your treatment plans are so suggesting other wise could end up being more harmful then good for you. We also dont know how and what your own treatment providers have told you to handle this kind of problem. therefore contacting your treatment providers is the only suggestion I can give you.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of effort in, and that some of it is paying off. I'm glad you see your t on wednesday. Do you have any video games, or a punching bag? I used to find that before I knew what my trigger was, if I could do something that was physically exhausting, like wii boxing or a punching bag, it was able to get the anger processed. If you want you can always google harm reduction strategies or altertnatives to self injury. They come up with a lot of ideas.
Best

IJ

I asked all of them if they did it and they all say no, but two of them are known to lie. So, I'm not sure what happened, but I let them know that they can NOT do that again.

Yeah, I love video games and I do have the Wii boxing too. I should try that! Thanks!

Do you know if they tend to be more open with your t? You could ask her to help you approach the situation, working to get trust involved, and coming up with solutions. If they're upset and not open about doing it, having your t there as a mediator might help them to feel more comfortable owning up to it. It sounds like there may be issues that are occuring, but they don't trust you to help them deal with it? I could be completely off of course, as I dont' know you guys. But getting them to trust you enough to talk about issues before hurting the body could be beneficial.

Good luck, let us know how it goes on Wednesday. Enjoy boxing :P Sometiems it helps if you imagine your oponent is whatever is bothering you, and you can let yourself get angry and do something about it. Very good strategy for processing hurt and anger, something I'm not comfortable doing in many cases :P

IJ

Well, this is a new T, only seen her maybe 5 times so far. She knows about the alters, but I don't know if they are ready to trust her yet. but it's worth a shot!
Thanks a bunch for the advice. It's soooo helpful!

Since you remember doing SI (just not how badly you did it), do you remember what you were thinking or feeling at the time?
I used to do SI until I broke myself from doing it once I got pregnant. I had a few relapses the first year of stopping, but it wasn't bad. About 8 years after I stopped SI, I started cutting my hair. Eventually it got to be as often as I used to do SI. I've been wearing wigs for years. I've got it to calm down a little, but a lot of stress makes me want to cut my hair again. I feel overwhelmed with no hope or options and I feel very low self-esteem at that point. I go to the bathroom to just do a few snips to make my hair look better (to supposedly make myself feel better) and then I end up dissociating to the point where I have cut off a lot of hair. For some reason when I dissociate I think of movies when I'm cutting, but once I come out of being dissociated I think of what I remember about what I was thinking about the movie and it usually provides at least some detail to what exactly is bothering me the most.